Saturday, January 9, 2010


I did it again...

The friend who is pregnant with twins by donor IUI? I didn't call her on her birthday. I haven't emailed since then (it's been a little over a week) and I am having difficulty getting up the gumption to even text her. *sigh* I've done this before with friends who have gotten pregnant - I think I've even written about it. I....distance myself, for lack of a better word. I don't like it - I usually realize it within a few weeks - but then I have trouble getting myself out of that no-contact rut.

Is it because she's pregnant? I really don't know. I know that's at least part of why I'm having trouble contacting her, even now that I have realized that I missed her birthday and that I am reluctant to email/text/call her. It wasn't an easy pregnancy to achieve - I think she had 4-5 IUIs - and she has had some bleeding.

I don't think I want to hear about it either way...If the pregnancy is going well, then I will need to be happy with her. If she lost one or both of the babies, I will have to help her work through it. And in the back of my mind will be one thought - that at least she *got* pregnant. At least she has been there once -  and, presumably, she could be there again.

More and more, I think the most difficult thing about this whole infertility journey is that I have never been able to *get pregnant*. I would not wish miscarriages on anyone - but I would like to know that my body is capable of at least achieving pregnancy. And on this most basic of human actions - the ability to carry on the species - it has failed me.

Maybe that's why I'm starting to push myself harder in my workouts. It's not just that I would like to lose some weight. I think I want to see that my body can do what I ask it to do. Of course, it can't do the one thing that I thought I wanted most in the world. But if it can't do that, maybe it could do another marathon. Or a couple of half-marathons. Even a triathlon.

I still get irritated with my body every month when, yet again, I am reminded of my inability to achieve pregnancy. Maybe if I realize just how much it *can* achieve, that will help me work through this.

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