Sunday, March 25, 2012


We are, essentially, midway through the semester, and I feel like I have more of a handle on things than I did at this point last semester. This is probably because I have my buy out semester this semester, meaning that I am not teaching, only *taking* classes. Sometimes this ongoing training thing is just for the birds. Other times, though, I relish being the student again, instead of the teacher.

Next fall, I will be teaching students in the final year of their graduate clinical program. Eeps. Up until now, I have been more involved with the students earlier in the program - first semester, second year, etc. I worry - of course, because I would not be me if I did not worry - that I am too unsure, too far removed from my own clinical practice, too...academic to be an effective teacher at that point in the program. I guess we'll see, won't we?

I had a lovely crapstorm of a day on Friday...I originally had 3 conference calls scheduled (on my "work from home day"...I should rename it my "conference call day"). The first one went fine. The second one - to decide which nominee, of 3, should receive an award from a group that I am involved with, took two and a half hours. I had it on my calendar for 1. It. Was. Brutal. My specialty is relatively small - we all know each other, many of us have worked together, and we know background that we would not know if we did not know these nominees so well. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do in my life. We finally decided that we should give the award to one particular person...meaning that I had to send two rejection emails and one yay, you got it! email. And, one of the rejected nominees is...someone I work with. Yeah. Someone I was supposed to be on a phone call with in a half hour. I couldn't do it. I manufactured a work-related excuse, and rescheduled for this week. Not that she won't put it together, after she gets the rejection email, That was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, professionally. I suspect that this is what will keep me out of leadership positions. I just...I have such a difficult time telling people 'no' (well, unless I really don't want to do something), and I have a particularly hard time picking one deserving recipient of whatever out of a group of fabulous people and scholars. *sigh* I know it will be better soon, but I really wish I did not have to go through that. And I wish that she did not have to go through that.

Work-related angst aside, N comes home today - yay! - from a four-day meeting. He was hoping to get home yesterday, but that did not work out. He should be home shortly after lunch time, if all works out. He has a meeting this afternoon - not work-related - and is hoping to mow the lawn. Our warm weather has resulted in a jungle-like backyard. The poor dog doesn't even know where to start when I take him out. ;) Anyway - oh, right. I started this paragraph because I was so happy that N scheduled a massage yesterday, after his meeting sessions were finished. He never, ever, ever attends to his physical health, and it drives me NUTS. He does not exercise. He does not always make good food choices. He eats at his desk. He skips lunch. He...yeah. It can be very frustrating, particularly as I've worked to make changes to the way I eat. I'm not saying he doesn't eat his veggies, or that he refuses to eat what I cook (he is fabulously flexible in that regard...), but he just does not make his health a priority, and he really needs to. I can't wait to hear how he liked it - maybe this will prompt him to take better care of himself on a more regular basis. A girl can hope, right?

Onward. Studying for my test on Weds evening. From 6:45-8:45 PM. I might fall sleep in the middle there. That time is BRUTAL for me!

Friday, March 23, 2012

Well, that was a crazy...almost 2 months

Good grief. I can't believe I haven't written here since January 31st. Oy.

It's been a crazy semester, to say the least. We were both traveling a lot, I have had a busy semester with classes and studies and time in the lab and trying to balance everything, and there have been a few things that have come up that kind of blindsided me, regarding infertility and friends and...yeah. Oh, and I implemented a "lifestyle change", given that when we were in California in January, I could *barely* button the pants that had fit so well last winter. Oops. I think I kind of got off track with my eating. As in, eating all. the. time.

I went with Wei.ght.Watch.ers for my lifestyle change monitoring, as I'd had success with them before - the first year that N and I were together. Ah, memories. Learning that foods with more fiber had lower point counts. Keeping the point counter in the drawer. Not having a smart phone, but being able to log foods through! the! web! We thought we were super-cool. ;)

Now, there's literally an app for that. I can track everything on all my 'devices'. It's kind of hilarious. But I digress. Let's just say that this change has been more successful than I could have imagined. I basically stopped eating most - if not all - refined grain products. I was eating crackers and cookies and bread ALL the time. Not a good choice - particularly not for me, your friendly neighborhood atypical diabetic. I cut waaay back (the first day counting points was...sobering. Let's just say that I topped my daily total mid-afternoon. That I blew through my activity points by 5 pm - and that was WITH a 6.5 mile run! And that I used up a bunch of my weekly extra points. Thank goodness it was a Saturday and I started over with points on Sunday!). Way, way back. Most of my carbs now are either a) homemade granola (in the morning), or b) fruit. Lots and lots and lots of fruits and veggies. The 0 points thing is appealing -although a bit counterintuitive to someone who is mentally focused on protein-protein-protein - and has resulted in significant weight loss for me. I hit my goal weight in about 5.5 weeks. I was thrilled. And, it's continued to come off. I'm seeing numbers on the scale that I haven't seen since my freshman year of college.

The best part? I am not starving all the time. I do think about what I am going to eat, and when, but it's not consuming (ha) my life the way it was. And my clothing fits - or is too big. I feel 100 times better - have a TON more energy - and am able to work out harder and longer than I was before. Now it's time to start thinking about maintenance, and how to add some treats back in without ballooning back up.

The other thing I have noticed - odd, but not completely out of the realm of possibility, from what I've read - is that my face, which was horribly broken out for much of the last 8 months, is nearly clear. I've stopped using daily treatments. I wash my face, moisturize, use my wand and retin-A at night, I can't wait to see the dermatologist next Friday. We were talking Accu.tane, for the love of Pete, and now I'm trying to determine if I can drop the concentration of my retin-A. I love love love it. I'm still getting used to it, but I love it.

On the sort-of-down side, only one person other than my husband has commented on my weight loss - someone I work with a few days a week who noticed that my pants were remarkably loose. Despite seeing significant changes in my body size, despite having to buy new pants, and despite losing the double chin I was developing... no one else seems to have noticed. Oh, and despite losing the teenage-level breakouts I was having. I don't *expect* many comments, but...I'm just surprised, I guess. I'll get over it, though. ;)

An...unexpected, I suppose, and not-very-nice surprise was finding out that the friends we have not talked to in over a year, the people we saw nearly every other week, who thought they couldn't have children until a 'miracle' conception (wonderfully timed to be confirmed - literally - on the day I knew my first IUI did not work, thanks to the arrival of my period), are...having another baby. Fortunately, my husband saw it on FB and warned me before I logged in and saw the u/s picture of little tiny baby feet. It just....took the breath right out of me. I thought I was over it. I thought I could deal with friends getting pregnant and having babies, still hurts. I think it hurts more because we're not really *friends* anymore. I thanked N for telling me before I saw it, and asked what he thought about me NOT commenting on the post, and he said he thought it was fine, that they're not going to contact us separately anyway. The last I looked - and I plan to torture myself a bit after writing this by going to see the comments - there were 40+ comments on the picture / post, so I don't think she'll notice the lack of comments from our direction.

But ow. Ow. Ow.

I hope to write more tomorrow - things have been bottled up for way too long, and although I like to think that I am dealing pretty well, I have missed this outlet.