Friday, January 13, 2012

Why *aren't* there more of us?

The inimitable Loribeth posted recently about why there aren't more bloggers who write about living childfree after infertility. (Actual post is here.) And it got me thinking, why *aren't* there more of us?

I write about living child free after infertility, but I don't really advertise that I do. I tend not to comment on other peoples' blogs. I have not emailed the Stirrup Queen to add my blog to her roll. I don't allow (at least, I don't think I allow) my blog to be found via Google, etc. Part of this is because of my profession; part of it is because I am a very private person; and part of it is that I do not want people judging me, my husband, and our choices through their own lenses.

I think it is very difficult to go "public" as someone who has chosen to live childfree after infertility. It is still very difficult for me to "come out" to friends / relatives / college classmates (i.e. people I know in real life) as someone who has a) experienced infertility, and b) chosen not to pursue all possible options.

I even find it difficult when my husband answers peoples' questions as if we chose, all along, to be childfree. I don't think I wrote about this here - it occurred this summer, during All The Travel and The Not Blogging. We were with friends from my husband's college - we do this every summer - and taking a picture of all of us. My husband is the designated photographer - he is really fantastic at it. N did something to make the kids laugh and get their focus OFF the picture-taking, and someone commented on "when will you guys have kids?" N's response - point blank - was to say "We aren't going to have kids." Stares and questioning looks all around. Now, everyone was too polite to ask *why*, but the way he said it, it sounded like this was what we had chosen to do. And I'm sitting there thinking, but there's no *context*! None of these people (as far as I know) know about our infertility struggles. None of them know what we did. None of them know the choices we made, the discussions we have, the thoughts I *still* have. But I didn't say anything. Because I didn't want to get into it. I didn't want to have to defend our choices. I didn't want to have to listen to anyone suggesting adoption or foster care or other medical options.

And that is kind of why I keep a low profile online, as well. I like reading other peoples' blogs; I'm less enthused about putting myself and my blog out there. Plus, I don't always focus on living childfree. Sure, it comes up, but less often than it used to. More often, I think I'm writing about living childfree in the context of living the rest of my life.

Anyway. So those are my thoughts. Sorry for the incoherence and rambling -it's what most of my emails have sounded like today, too. Pity the poor people who receive those. ;)


  1. I can sympathize. I have heard of a few people who have had "trolls" on their blog. I've had a few spam-ish comments that have made me go "huh??" before I hit the delete button, but nothing really nasty, thankfully (knocking wood). I would feel very uncomfortable if someone I knew found my blog, although I have no problem connecting with strangers. ; )

    I do have your blog listed on my blogroll; let me know if you're not comfortable with that & I will remove it; no problem!

  2. P.S. I'm beyond flattered to be described as "the inimitable," lol.