After I posted yesterday, I realized that I had not really completed my thoughts about why I prefer to keep a low profile online and in real life, as someone living childfree after infertility.
And it's a reason that I've written about before, here. Because we chose to stop after the IUIs, due to the financial and emotional implications of pursuing further medical treatment. Because there *wasn't* a good explanation for why I wasn't pregnant - why the treatments we had tried weren't successful. Because we didn't go all-out.
Among infertility bloggers, this embarrasses me. I don't know if "embarrasses" is really the RIGHT word, but it's the best I've come up with so far. When I read about others who have been in our shoes, who have gone to the ends of the earth to have their child(ren), who have taken the risks and come out on the other side with what they wanted SO badly... well, then I feel like a failure. Like we didn't want it badly enough. Like my concerns about my emotional and mental health; the health of our marriage; my professional life; and my physical health were tiny hurdles that we could have vaulted if we had only wanted it enough. My parents offered financial assistance. We live near the only infertility treatment center in the state. I had insurance that would have allowed at least one IVF attempt. And we still stepped off and decided this was what we had to do.
And it's funny how that decision skews my perspective sometimes. Whenever I have a long day at work...whenever I am impatient or annoyed by a small child...whenever we have popcorn for dinner... I think, maybe it was for the best that we didn't have children. Then I see my husband playing with a child...I see our niece and nephew...I get to hold a friend's four-month-old and put him to sleep (I have skills in that area, apparently)...and I think, maybe we should have gone one. Maybe we should have just tried that one IVF cycle. Maybe we still could.
But I know that we are not going to do that. At least not now. We're going to live the lives that we have chosen - without biological children. We're going to do our best to make our marriage strong, to have fulfilling jobs and happy lives outside of work. We're going to try to make a difference in the world. And I am going to work on owning our decision - not being embarrassed by it.