Despite my talk about living the lives we have, and moving past the pain of infertility and subsequently living childfree, there are still moments that throw me.
One such moment occurred the other day, when I had a series of separate email exchanges with my parents.
My dad emailed about something else, then commented at the end of his email that my mother had mentioned getting another computer and she'd like to put it in my old room; he thought it was a good idea, and what did I think? I responded that we had chatted about it during our visit, and that I thought that room was a good choice, she should get a desktop or a full-function laptop, etc. I even suggested a location within the room - in the corner where, for the last 9 years, my mother has had a crib.
A crib. I'll just let that sink in a minute.
My mother purchased a crib - a very nice crib, mind you - when my SIL was pregnant with my niece. They didn't have much money when we were babies, so my brother and I, while we were obviously well-cared-for, did not sleep in designer cribs with matching sheets and crib (bed?) skirt. So mom indulged herself - and the baby (and later, her brother) had a lovely place to sleep when visiting.
Four years ago, I thought that eventually we'd be putting our own baby to sleep in that crib.
We all know that didn't happen. We didn't even come close. And since we stopped trying - stopped pursuing treatment - it's been harder and harder to visit and see that empty crib in the corner. This last visit, mom was using it as a catch-all for the yard sale stuff that we found throughout the house. I used it as a place to drape some of my clothes. And my husband commented that it sure was weird to sleep in a room with an empty and unused crib.
So, when I suggested that the computer could be placed in that room, in the corner where the crib was located, I never thought I'd get this response from my dad, one day later:
"We took the crib down in your room [side note: I haven't lived at home for more than 18 years; I think it's kind of cute that it's still "my" room.] and put it out on the curb. Hope someone takes it - it's a nice crib and barely used."
My mom said something similar in a later email, then commented that evening that someone had taken the crib after only an hour. "And it was in good shape - barely a tooth mark!"
Given my thoughts when seeing the crib in my old room - that they should just take it DOWN, already - I was surprised at how much it hurt to be told that they had disposed of the crib so blithely. It just reminded me that we don't and never will have a child who will sleep at his or her grandparents' houses. We'll never need to sneak the baby off to a quiet room for a nap after a day full of fun times with family and friends. We'll never have to be super duper quiet when going to bed at my parents' house, since the baby would be sleeping in the same room.
I imagine that I'll get over this soon, but for now, it still really hurts.