Wednesday, May 6, 2009


So, there's a kid who rides the 7:30 bus with me a couple of times a week. He uses it to get to the local high school - a nice option, if you ask me. Seeing him gives me flashbacks to high school - which feels like it was about 15 minutes ago. He's so...awkward. Never looks anyone in the eye. Never says "good morning" to our bus driver (which seems to be de rigeur when it's the same woman driving the same people to work every thing I love about this town). Never acknowledges that there are other people on his planet. So very, very teenager-y. I watch him get off the bus and trudge off to what must seem the most boring place on earth...the high school. There's something about the set of his shoulders that makes me feel sympathetic, and helps me remember that high school isn't always the best time of anyone's life. And then I think, thank goodness! I'm done with that! I have plenty of degrees, and I don't have to go to school anymore (although I love it so much it may be tempting...). And I also think, woo hoo! I know how to interact with people, and talk to them, and saying "good morning" to the bus driver doesn't give me the heebie-jeebies.

But then I realize that I haven't left it all behind...I didn't go to the spring clean up weekend in our neighborhood because my husband wasn't home, and I feel shy and awkward around most of our neighbors. Particularly when there are lots of them in a group. I occasionally skulk past the offices of our area secretary and program associate, because some mornings I just don't want to say "good morning". I read on the bus. I don't make eye contact. And sometimes I think that I haven't left the awkwardness of high school behind at all.

Thinking about how we're navigating through all of this infertility stuff also makes me feel awkward... They want us to consider IVF now, since they haven't been able to figure out what, exactly, is our problem. And I have to be honest - as much as I want a baby, as much as I want to see my husband become a father (because, really? he'd be a fantastic father...) - I have to say that I'm seriously leaning towards not doing IVF. I'm not sure I'm up for going through all that we would have to go through - and not be sure that we'd have a baby at the end of it. But I feel awkward saying that. So many people out there on the internets seem to jump right in to IVF - not without thinking, that's not what I'm saying - but with more gusto than I can gather right now. Is that because they've already gotten past this point? That once you decide, you *just do it*?

I'm also having a hard time finding other people who are talking about this point in their decision making...whether it's IVF yes/no, or IVF+ICSI yes/no, I can't seem to find people talking about how they have decided to go for it (whatever "it" is) or....stop. So, who talks about the stopping part? Where are there people who have decided that, for them, this is where it ends? And how do you talk to other people about that?

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