Friday, April 3, 2009

Up and Down

It's been an interesting couple of weeks around here...and I have so much rattling around in my brain, I'm going to resort to bullets.
  • I didn't think I would talk about this here, but I'm not pregnant. Again. For another month. This makes 18 months - and more than 18 cycles, since my cycles run short - of trying. The last 2 we've tried unmedicated IUI's, neither of which have been successful. We're to have one more - which I can't help but think will also be unsuccessful - and then we need to consider IVF.
  • We have some insurance coverage for this, but not a lot. And so our desire to have a family is tempered by the financial cost of creating that family. Which, quite frankly, sucks. I hate that having a child is, for us, tied so closely to our finances. We may not be able to afford IVF at all, or we may be able to afford one cycle. Our clinic is the only place where I can have any procedures done (insurance restrictions), and it is well-known for its one-embryo transfer policy for women under 35. So. We have one more chance to have a family...maybe two...and then that is it.
  • This has led to some major soul-searching on my part, as I try to reconcile what I always *thought* my life would include (marriage, house, job that I love, kids) with what it likely will include (marriage, house, job that I love). We have made many decisions predicated on the fact that we would -one day- have a child. Or children. Now? I love where we live, and I love our neighborhood. But it is full - literally - of children. On our street alone - which has 8 finished houses - there are 13 kids with another 3 on the way. We stick out like a sore thumb. And it's hard, quite honestly, to see all the kids running around, to know that this is a perfect place to have kids in this town, and to think that we will not be able to have a child.
  • I know, I'm probably putting the cart before the horse. After all, we still have at least one more chance! But it's getting increasingly unlikely that we will have a successful outcome - pregnancy - with so few chances left to us. And I know we haven't been trying -that- long, by many standards...but with our financial restrictions, this really is it for us.
  • Work-wise, I've spent the last two weeks dealing with someone who defines passive aggression. Wow. I sincerely hope that I am never like that in my professional dealings.
  • On the plus side, one of my dissertation papers was accepted pending revisions. So, on to the revisions! And they need to be finished in about 2 weeks, so that is even it shortens the time I need to deal with passive-aggressive woman.
  • Also on the plus side, I didn't kill the dog with a treat. Yesterday, I gave him a treat (which, shhh, also cleans his teeth). It was big. Too big, apparently, as he got it stuck on some of his back teeth. Multiple extraction attempts later, I finally called my husband in a panic. He suggested offering another treat (duh). Mission accomplished - and I learned that the dog will do nearly anything for a piece of pepperoni. So noted.
  • It is supposed to be beautiful here today and tomorrow; the antique shops are open; and we don't have to be anywhere or do anything. After last weekend - work conference for me, visiting friends for my husband - it will be nice to have a calm weekend at home.
  • Of course, then we're supposed to get rain/snow on Sunday. Ta da! April in the great Midwest.
  • And, last but not least, FINAL FOUR, BABY!!! Although I will be sad to see the season end...I love this time of year.

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