Messy

My brain is a mess recently...Trying to work through issues related to the age old question of what DO I want to study now...still coming to terms with the whole infertility thing...going to my brother in law's wedding this weekend...my father having vague symptoms that don't seem to connect to anything but that make me think the worst (of course)...

Sometimes it is very tiring being in my brain.

And then, when the thoughts cross? Watch out.

I'm grateful we don't have kids because I don't know what kind of mother I would be right now. I'm angry at the pregnant women I see smoking on the edges of hospital property, because *I* would do a better job while pregnant. Nearly every time I have a twinge pre-period, I wonder whether I got pregnant against all odds. I am looking forward to getting away this week - but not to the work that awaits when we return, or the dysfunctionality (is that a word?) that my in-laws bring to each family gathering. I know what I want to study, but I'm having a hard time articulating it. I'm anxious about the tenure track, and I'm not even on it! I worry about my parents getting sick and living 1000 miles away. And on and on and on...

Sometimes I just want to turn my brain off. I'm grateful that these thoughts don't keep me up at night, but sometimes they keep me from being very productive during the day. Perhaps writing about them more would help? I suppose that is one reason I have this blog - to work through some of these conflicting and consuming thoughts. I don't feel disorganized - my to-do list is up-to-date and detailed - but at times I feel like I am going to lose all the threads of my life if I don't keepupkeepupkeepup...

I hope that this trip helps calm me down a bit... I want to enjoy it, but of course I am taking my computer. *sigh* All those years of never being really disconnected from it all...I think they are still influencing how I go about doing things.

Time to rewrite my to-do list. Time to clear my head. Time to get away for a bit.