I've been mentally whining to myself for a few days now, and I'm not sure why, or what triggered it. Side note - I love the British (? I assume it's British?) term "whinging". But if I typed that, I probably wouldn't remember what it meant years later. Anywho...
I have been having a hard time recently with the idea that we aren't actively trying anymore. And circumstances have been such that it seems the whole world* is against me, too.
Exhibit A - the diabetes study that I was going to be in - three years, experimental medications, not allowed to get pregnant? Yeah, I'm not eligible. Turns out that my dm is under good enough control - so I can't be included. I didn't make the cut off. So, poof! There goes that idea of being productive and contributing to society through ways OTHER than having children.
Exhibit B - the state fair. We went yesterday - first time to this one for both of us. And Oh.My.God. It seemed like everywhere I looked, there were pregnant people. Hugely pregnant people. But the best was the pregnant 20 year old (well, she looked 20), who was not only a) hugely pregnant, but b) had a 10-12 month old on her hip, and c) was smoking. Yeah. That didn't sit too well with me. It's all I can do to keep nasty thoughts from rising up at the thought of that.
Exhibit C - I think 95% of the people I know right now are either pregnant, trying to become pregnant, or contemplating another pregnancy. And it's getting really hard. The two other people from my old job who were having trouble? Both pregnant and doing well. Which, absolutely - great for them. But for me? It's just a little hard to swallow. People at work? Pregnant. High school classmates on FB? Pregnant.
Maybe I just need to wallow for a little bit - remember why I enjoy our life together as it is. But sometimes I feel like I am trying too hard. And then I get down in the dumps again. It just feels like I can't win right now.