Thursday, July 23, 2009

Guilt, grief, etc

I never know what is going to set me off re: not being able to get pregnant. I thought I was doing pretty well - last night, watching TV, I even commented on how cute a contestant on America's Got Talent was, without the pang of "I'll never have a cute child of my own" that I typically get. And I thought to myself - wow! You're doing pretty well! Maybe you're over it.

Yeah, um, no. This morning, I saw in FB that a friend had registered for her first baby. She's due in October, and there is a big family shower coming up at some point. I looked up the registry, to see if there was something we'd want to get for them. And that? That simple action? Nearly sent me over the deep end.

There were all the little things that I'd dreamed of getting someday - the Boppy, the changing table cover, the strollers and car seats. Instead, I'll be buying them for my friends as they have their first, second, and sometimes third babies. I'll never be the one who picks out the fun Boppy cover. I don't have to worry about which bottles are BPA free. I don't have to have my husband research car seats to determine which is the safest.

So I'm not over it. Not by a long shot.

Even better, since I'm feeling so crappy about this, we get to go to a family wedding next weekend! Full of extended family members! Who we see about once a year! Who will certainly notice that I am not pregnant! Gee, doesn't that sound like fun? And THEN, for good measure, I get to spend a week with my family, but not my husband.

And I just know - I KNOW - that pregnancy, babies, etc. will come up, somehow, at some point, during that week. The way I'm feeling now, I'm not sure how I am going to react. My brother and s-i-l don't even know that we gave up - only my parents and a few close friends do.

I'm also feeling guilty because my husband has next to NO vacation time - thanks, draconian company policy! - so he does not get to go on "vacation" with my family. Granted, we are going to his brother's wedding in September...but I still feel guilty that I will be gone for an entire week. Leaving him with the dog and the house and work. I'm going to take my computer - I will need to do some work while gone - but that is not making me feel much better. I am very good at the guilt thing - but not good at letting go of it.

Gee, it's going to be a fun day!

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