Thursday, July 9, 2009

Daydream believer

I'm a daydreamer. Not in the "Get your head out of the clouds and get your work done!" sense, no, I've never had a problem focusing and finishing what I need to work on. No, my daydreaming occurs when my mind is not occupied with other things. When I'm cleaning, for example, or running mindlessly on the treadmill at the gym. Or riding in the car when I don't have to drive or navigate. Those are the times my mind wanders.

I was daydreaming yesterday while I was cleaning the bathrooms. My favorite mindless activity. It really is...tangible results, minimal effort, clean bathrooms. What's not to like? And, like so many times before, I daydreamed about being pregnant. See, after last month's wacky cycle (21 days, no obvious signs of ovulation [o.s.o., for short], etc.) I have been having a much more normal cycle. I had o.s.o, AND we managed to get busy pretty close to then.

So for the last two weeks I've been caught up in a game of "maybe this time". Maybe THIS time, things worked out timing-wise. Maybe THIS time, my defective tubes/ovaries/whatever kicked it into high gear, and we'll get our miracl. Maybe THIS time...and on, and on, and on.

Yesterday was particularly bad...I managed to daydream myself into a March due date, having to figure out how to tell family members when we have a family wedding next month! and I'm spending a week with my family! and then seeing my husband's family in September, for another wedding! And we're seeing my husband's college friends this weekend! All occasions during which much alcohol will be consumed.

This morning I was a bit more realistic. I have my typical PMS signs - ravenousness (with no discernible effect on my blood sugar...I hate my dm), klutziness, and now, within the lats hour, cramps. *sigh* I also took a hpt this morning, just to be sure that the beer I've been drinking over the past few days (Michel*ob Ult*ra, best low-carb beer I've found, and it comes in an Amber version) wasn't pickling a potential youngster. Totally negative. Really really negative.

I knew that was the case, of course. If we couldn't get pregnant during my lovely regular cycles, with IUIs targeted to the proper date, why would I think that having .... you know... maybe kind of close to the right date would work? Why do I let myself go down that road? And it's not just the family gatherings...I thought about the half-marathon I signed up for this fall. Christmas/Thanksgiving travel. My post-doc, and my need to begin looking for faculty positions. I was, and the whole time I knew it was just a daydream.

I don't know, I think I need to talk to my husband again about our current approach/lack of an approach. We're currently in the "do nothing, hey, maybe we'll have a miracle!" pattern. And I don't think it's working for me. I think I need to say, you know what? This is not going to happen, and we need to do something to make sure it's not a surprise during a time when we are not ready for this. I think I'm ready to come down on the side of *never* being okay, and *maybe* moving on out the door. I think.

Of course, maybe the whole problem is that I was never homecoming queen...maybe that would have solved all my problems.

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