Muddled

I don't really even know what to write right now...I have been busy at work (preparing for a full! time! faculty! position!), busy outside of work, getting ready for summer, preparing for renovations to the house, and on and on and on. I do wonder what on earth life would be like with a child, since I seem to have difficulty finding time to do everything without one.

I've had a hard time, recently, with the whole no-kids thing. It seems to come in waves. There was a wave of people asking about kids when I accepted the position here - as if, now that I will finally have a real! job!, we would move right ahead with having children. It came up during interviews, too, although it's not supposed to. I didn't mind the *topic* so much as my answers to the questions. And while I thought having the IUD would help me overcome my sadness at not having children, it hasn't really worked yet. Part of the problem seems to be that I am still getting my period - it's lasting a whole lot longer - and I'm having horrible cramping (bring-me-to-my-knees cramping, which is unusual for me). Which makes me think of things like endometriosis. My potentially abnormal-although-maybe-not tubes. Ectopic pregnancy. Etc. So while I know that I can't get pregnant, I don't think my subconscious has quite caught up with that knowledge, yet.

I still haven't pitched the ovulation predictor kits. They're expired now.

I don't know. I'm having a hard time - this in-between time - in part because I haven't yet started my real! job! so there is still time to think what if... Also, in part, because we don't yet have the money to travel or do any of the things we said we would do since we're not going to have children. Also, perhaps, in part because the other incoming assistant professors all seem to have families, and the one person who doesn't is... troubled.

I don't know what the point is of this post...other than to try to gather my scattered thoughts from this point in my life before I lose them. I hope that I adjust to the thought - the reality - of a childless life. I hope that, eventually, the questions about when we are going to have kids fade. I hope that one day the onset of cramps before my period doesn't send me into a frenzy of ectopic-vs-endometriosis-vs-who the hell knows what.