Oy

How is this even possible? That I haven't written here in more than a month? Argh...

So much to catch up on...so many thoughts rattling around in my brain...so many decisions to make over the next few weeks. Not small ones, BIG, hard, difficult decisions.

We have already made some decisions regarding our reproductive future. Perhaps it wasn't the wisest decision I've ever made to make those decisions at the same time I am going through the job search and interview process. That might not have been the best thing for me - but the decisions were made, and we followed through on them, and now it is (almost) over. Except, of course, when the universe decided to laugh at me today, by having a friend (several years older, with a one-year-old conceived after 6 months and "lots of worry") tell me about her current pregnancy. She is due in August. I, personally, am not convinced that this is fair, but there isn't really anyone with whom I could lodge a complaint.

Who knows what decision I will make regarding where to work, and with whom, and whether we will have to move after settling so nicely into this community a few years ago. I could do desperately with some counsel regarding that decision - neutral, wise, helpful counsel - but I have managed to apply for jobs at the very places where my (within-specialty) mentors work. Which kind of precludes me contacting them for help in making the decision. So, argh to that, as well.

We are both so stressed and so anxious about where we will be living, what we will be doing, and how all of this will play out, that we are having some difficulty - not for the first time - being kind to each other, and supportive of what the other needs and wants at any particular time. Perhaps this is being exacerbated by distance? I knew the long-distance relationship thing (even for 3.5 days/week) was going to be difficult...but I didn't realize that it would alter our interaction patterns, and make it more difficult to get through these rough patches. There is something to be said for being in the same physical space to help get through difficult times.

And now it is springlike here...in the 50s...with sunshine and warm breezes. We are, of course, supposed to get a rain/snow mix on Saturday, so it will not last forever. But for now, the dog is happily ensconced on his porch. The sun is shining. The kids are on spring break and are outside playing. And it is almost happy hour here in the land of difficult decisions. A glass of wine may not make everything better, but it is very nice to look forward to at the end of a long day....long week....long month.

I'll write about all these things in the next days. I just need to...gather...myself before I do. So many emotions, and hard choices, and indecision rattling around in my brain.