Ah, spring. We had rain all during the weekend, and then yesterday it was cloudy and gloomy and last night it rained again. But we needed it. Our baby landscaping (put in last year, so it's still rather...small) really needed it. I swear some of the plants have grown since yesterday.
Apparently, spring is also when people I find kind-of-annoying are either pregnant or trying to get pregnant. *sigh* One is a colleague from a position I had a few years ago. She is a few years older than me - I think she is now 37? maybe 38? She has a one year old, and when she was trying to get pregnant with him, she was fussing that she wasn't getting pregnant after 4 months of trying. Yeah. At the time, we had been trying for over a year with (obviously) no luck. Guess what? She's pregnant again. Yeah. Due in July. I was very good and didn't snort audibly when she told me. Oh, right - she told me via email. So I guess audible snorting would have been okay. Darn.
The other person is...my husband's ex-wife. They were college sweethearts, but never should have gotten married. When married, they never wanted to have children. Which was fine with my husband - he actually never wanted kids until we got married. Anyway, she remarried a few years ago ... to a guy my mother's age ... and now she wants to have kids. So they are doing IVF. And she is venting to my husband and my mother-in-law. Yeah. I'm kind of still processing that one.
I feel like by going back on birth control, I had to hand in my infertile card. We have a get-together with (our amazingly fertile group of friends) every July, and this year we are in charge. Last year, when we volunteered, the consensus was that we should 'host' before we have kids of our own. Neither of us said anything... but both of us were, of course, thinking that that would be between 'not going to happen' and 'never'. I'm sure someone else will mention it this year. And what do we say? "We can't have kids"? "We're not going to have kids"? *sigh*
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Thanks for validating my non-marriage
I had to get this one out - it has been driving me nuts all day.
We are having a same-sex marriage "debate" in my state. *sigh* I'll just state for the record that I am among the most liberal of liberals - and I hate the fact that there is even a "debate". It's actually kind of a forced "debate", anyway. But I digress.
Periodically, because of this, there are letters to the editor on the topic. Today's gem was from some woman, somewhere, who opined that marriage is between a man and a woman ("mates"), for the purpose of mating. As in, producing children. And that this is the only reason for marriage.
I have heard this before - I have also heard this refuted many times. And it just makes me sad - and discouraged - that, in the eyes of these people, my marriage is seen as "less than" because it has not resulted in the production of the next generation.
I want to write back to her, and ask her whether infertile couples, or those for whom having children is an emotional or financial risk too big to take, or older couples long past the point of reproduction...whether they shouldn't be married either. Because, you know, the whole point is to create the next generation. To populate the earth. And without reproduction, my marriage is, according to this woman, a fraud.
Now, I'm sure she would not agree with all I have typed here. I'm sure she thinks that it's just fine that my husband and I are married but unable to have children. After all, I have two X chromosomes, and he has an X and a Y, so our marriage is just fine. But it's arguments like these that get my blood boiling on two points: 1) that two men or two women shouldn't be married (gah...) and 2) that reproduction is the ultimate point of two people getting married.
I'm being much less coherent than others have been on this same topic, but...it just makes me mad. We don't choose our paths in this life. I wouldn't have chosen to be infertile. People who happen to be gay don't choose that path, either. You take what you're given - you try to partner with the best match for you, whether that is someone of the same sex, or someone who is infertile - and then you live your life.
I won't be writing back to what'shername. She doesn't deserve another minute of my time. But I still need to deal with the feelings that her letter brought up in me...that feeling of being "less than" because my marriage isn't typical. Because my parts are apparently not in working order. Because I can't have the kid(s) that we so desperately want(ed).
We are having a same-sex marriage "debate" in my state. *sigh* I'll just state for the record that I am among the most liberal of liberals - and I hate the fact that there is even a "debate". It's actually kind of a forced "debate", anyway. But I digress.
Periodically, because of this, there are letters to the editor on the topic. Today's gem was from some woman, somewhere, who opined that marriage is between a man and a woman ("mates"), for the purpose of mating. As in, producing children. And that this is the only reason for marriage.
I have heard this before - I have also heard this refuted many times. And it just makes me sad - and discouraged - that, in the eyes of these people, my marriage is seen as "less than" because it has not resulted in the production of the next generation.
I want to write back to her, and ask her whether infertile couples, or those for whom having children is an emotional or financial risk too big to take, or older couples long past the point of reproduction...whether they shouldn't be married either. Because, you know, the whole point is to create the next generation. To populate the earth. And without reproduction, my marriage is, according to this woman, a fraud.
Now, I'm sure she would not agree with all I have typed here. I'm sure she thinks that it's just fine that my husband and I are married but unable to have children. After all, I have two X chromosomes, and he has an X and a Y, so our marriage is just fine. But it's arguments like these that get my blood boiling on two points: 1) that two men or two women shouldn't be married (gah...) and 2) that reproduction is the ultimate point of two people getting married.
I'm being much less coherent than others have been on this same topic, but...it just makes me mad. We don't choose our paths in this life. I wouldn't have chosen to be infertile. People who happen to be gay don't choose that path, either. You take what you're given - you try to partner with the best match for you, whether that is someone of the same sex, or someone who is infertile - and then you live your life.
I won't be writing back to what'shername. She doesn't deserve another minute of my time. But I still need to deal with the feelings that her letter brought up in me...that feeling of being "less than" because my marriage isn't typical. Because my parts are apparently not in working order. Because I can't have the kid(s) that we so desperately want(ed).
Regularly scheduled programming
I won't talk about my skin today, promise. Except to say that I made an appointment with the dermatologist for next week. We'll see what they say (it's an academic medical center, so seeing multiple people...medical student, resident, attending...is pretty common). I'm actually a bit intrigued to see what they say - since I don't think my skin is typical acne-prone skin. Anyway...I'll leave that alone for a few days. :)
So, we have decided where I will start my career as a faculty member...and it will be right here, in Small University Town, where we are as happy as we have ever been. Whew. It was a long, strange trip to get to this point. Last year, I was even thinking of not looking at other schools, since I was so certain that I wanted to stay here. But the more that I thought about it, the more I realized that I owed it to myself - and to my husband - to look at all the options. So I did. Well, within reason - they were the options that I would even consider professionally, and that met our (long list of) criteria personally.
Funny, then, that after all the travel, the interviews, and the angst over making the decision - that we decide to stay put. That this place is *the* place for us, at this point in our lives. I'm so happy with this decision - so happy with our choice - and I can't wait to get started with the next phase in my professional career.
I hope the transition is smooth-ish, since I have already been here in multiple different roles over the years. I'm sure there will be some role confusion - I've been a student, now a post doc, and will be a faculty member. But I know that we can work through that, too. I just can't wait to get started!
One of the factors that did come into play was medical care. I have a chronic condition. I receive excellent care here. It's not overcrowded - yet - and we can see the care providers we prefer, usually without a really long wait. (See: obtained Derm appointment for 10 days from day of call to scheduling, above.) And, as two friends who know of our struggles with infertility pointed out, this is a) a good place to raise children, and b) the place where all of my records are, with providers I trust, if we decide to pursue IVF in the next few years. I am not saying we *will* - but it is nice to have the option if we so choose.
This workplace is also very family friendly - and it's not just family friendly to those with children, although most people do have kids. There is a recognition that everyone has a life outside of work. The building is quiet after 5 pm. There are few people there over the weekends. If you are working on a grant, then of course it's not unexpected that you will be there a few late nights, or a few extra days a week. But working from home is accepted. Taking time off is accepted. Even (gasp!) going on *vacation* is expected and accepted. It's a nurturing environment, and I need that at this point in my career.
More tomorrow on the questions about family and children that I encountered during the interview process...they opened up some old wounds, but I also surprised myself with how little I let them bother me, at least during the interview days themselves.
So, we have decided where I will start my career as a faculty member...and it will be right here, in Small University Town, where we are as happy as we have ever been. Whew. It was a long, strange trip to get to this point. Last year, I was even thinking of not looking at other schools, since I was so certain that I wanted to stay here. But the more that I thought about it, the more I realized that I owed it to myself - and to my husband - to look at all the options. So I did. Well, within reason - they were the options that I would even consider professionally, and that met our (long list of) criteria personally.
Funny, then, that after all the travel, the interviews, and the angst over making the decision - that we decide to stay put. That this place is *the* place for us, at this point in our lives. I'm so happy with this decision - so happy with our choice - and I can't wait to get started with the next phase in my professional career.
I hope the transition is smooth-ish, since I have already been here in multiple different roles over the years. I'm sure there will be some role confusion - I've been a student, now a post doc, and will be a faculty member. But I know that we can work through that, too. I just can't wait to get started!
One of the factors that did come into play was medical care. I have a chronic condition. I receive excellent care here. It's not overcrowded - yet - and we can see the care providers we prefer, usually without a really long wait. (See: obtained Derm appointment for 10 days from day of call to scheduling, above.) And, as two friends who know of our struggles with infertility pointed out, this is a) a good place to raise children, and b) the place where all of my records are, with providers I trust, if we decide to pursue IVF in the next few years. I am not saying we *will* - but it is nice to have the option if we so choose.
This workplace is also very family friendly - and it's not just family friendly to those with children, although most people do have kids. There is a recognition that everyone has a life outside of work. The building is quiet after 5 pm. There are few people there over the weekends. If you are working on a grant, then of course it's not unexpected that you will be there a few late nights, or a few extra days a week. But working from home is accepted. Taking time off is accepted. Even (gasp!) going on *vacation* is expected and accepted. It's a nurturing environment, and I need that at this point in my career.
More tomorrow on the questions about family and children that I encountered during the interview process...they opened up some old wounds, but I also surprised myself with how little I let them bother me, at least during the interview days themselves.
Monday, April 19, 2010
On a completely different topic
Oh, my goodness. Can we talk about my skin for a minute? I'm completely obsessing over it - without seeing any results, unfortunately - and it always helps to write things out here.
I think I actually mentioned it in a post on birth control options - but my skin looks worse than it ever has. I never had acne this bad as a teenager or young adult. Never. It has gotten progressively worse over the last year - despite trying prescription treatments, and coordinated OTC "treatment systems", and doing nothing. I'm at the end of my rope - it is not cool for someone in her mid 30s to have such horrible skin! And I don't even know what to do next. *sigh*
I wrote out everything I have tried over the past year this morning, and it's a little sobering. I've spent waaaay too much money trying to get it to clear up. I've tried heavy-duty treatments and I've tried just washing and moisturizing. I've tried different brands. I've tried different products for different skin types. I'm at the end of my rope here.
My husband suggested going back to the dermatologist...but since the stuff they prescribed last year a) stopped working after 4 months and then b) led to my facial skin literally peeling off, I'm not so keen on that suggestion.
I'm done whining - for now - but it is so depressing to look in the mirror every day and see...this. This horrible skin. These red and angry marks. This woman whose self-esteem is taking a huge blow every time she has to go out in public. Or see her husband. Or go to work. All of which I do on a regular basis. It seems so... trivial, in the grand scheme of things. Acne never killed anyone. My appearance is not me - I know what I am capable of. But it certainly can make life miserable, and it makes me feel horrible, and it never seems to get any better. *sigh*
I took pictures today with my Blackberry. I am currently in "do nothing" mode, figuring that everything I have tried has my skin up in arms and reacting horribly to any intervention. I hope to keep this up for at least another 2-3 weeks, just to see what happens. I'm going to make an appt with the dermatologist for May (I need a mole check, anyway) and if it's not better by then, well, we'll see what they say.
I think I actually mentioned it in a post on birth control options - but my skin looks worse than it ever has. I never had acne this bad as a teenager or young adult. Never. It has gotten progressively worse over the last year - despite trying prescription treatments, and coordinated OTC "treatment systems", and doing nothing. I'm at the end of my rope - it is not cool for someone in her mid 30s to have such horrible skin! And I don't even know what to do next. *sigh*
I wrote out everything I have tried over the past year this morning, and it's a little sobering. I've spent waaaay too much money trying to get it to clear up. I've tried heavy-duty treatments and I've tried just washing and moisturizing. I've tried different brands. I've tried different products for different skin types. I'm at the end of my rope here.
My husband suggested going back to the dermatologist...but since the stuff they prescribed last year a) stopped working after 4 months and then b) led to my facial skin literally peeling off, I'm not so keen on that suggestion.
I'm done whining - for now - but it is so depressing to look in the mirror every day and see...this. This horrible skin. These red and angry marks. This woman whose self-esteem is taking a huge blow every time she has to go out in public. Or see her husband. Or go to work. All of which I do on a regular basis. It seems so... trivial, in the grand scheme of things. Acne never killed anyone. My appearance is not me - I know what I am capable of. But it certainly can make life miserable, and it makes me feel horrible, and it never seems to get any better. *sigh*
I took pictures today with my Blackberry. I am currently in "do nothing" mode, figuring that everything I have tried has my skin up in arms and reacting horribly to any intervention. I hope to keep this up for at least another 2-3 weeks, just to see what happens. I'm going to make an appt with the dermatologist for May (I need a mole check, anyway) and if it's not better by then, well, we'll see what they say.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Searching high, searching low
The other thing that has been keeping me - and us - busy is the job search.
I am in the 2nd year of a post doctoral fellowship. This means that I am now on the market for tenure-track faculty positions. Which, to be honest, scares the living you-know-what out of me. Seriously. Me? On faculty? With responsibilities and expectations and all that sort of thing? Yikes!
I can't quite figure out sometimes how I got here - how I got from the nerdy freshman in college who (despite studying lots and lots and lots) didn't ace everything...to the mid-20s practitioner who finally found her niche...to the 30 year old who loves academia so much she doesn't want to leave...to now, when I stand on the edge of a whole new part of my professional life.
It's a little scary, to be honest.
I have spent the last month+ selling myself to four different schools in four different cities, in an effort to find the best match - for me and for them. It's been more enjoyable but also a lot harder than I ever imagined it would be.
Option 1 is my current home - the place where I earned my degree (albeit long-distance); the place where I am completing my fellowship. It's a comfortable and nurturing place. I don't doubt that I would do well here...and that we would have the lifestyle to which we have become accustomed (small town setting; university town; Midwestern; etc.). But - in the middle of all this good stuff - the thought comes creeping in that this might not be the *best* place for me to launch my career. Nurturing needs to be balanced with opportunities...and I'm not sure that the opportunities here are the best for me.
Option 2 is closest to most of our friends. It's a school in the Northeast, but it has a very different philosophy and make up than the other schools I am considering. I would be in the minority there - most people focus on things other than straight-up research (which is what I do). That, and the fact that the students were almost universally referred to as "challenging", make this option fall down a few spots on the list.
Option 3 is a vibrant urban school with lots of energy and possibilities. It's also my alma mater for my undergrad degree. Which means there is a lot of emotion and other "stuff" tied into this one, as well. I loved my interview day here - it was busy, but challenging, and I could see how I would fit. On the downside? Very very urban. Our way of life would likely change significantly. And I don't know how I would do back on the East coast, in a *city*. I know, wimpy. Also - while the school has some nurturing qualities (we want you to succeed!) it is also cutthroat and competitive. I could not be a shrinking violet here - I'd have to grab on and, well, lead the way. As cheesy as that sounds.
Option 4 is kind of a weird blend of options 1 and 3. It's in an urban area in a mostly rural state. It is in the Midwest. But it's not a typical big university - it's a small university, in an urban setting. The options there are intriguing...but again, I'm not sure the fit is right. This one is more similar to option 2 in terms of how I would *fit* there. And that is becoming increasingly important to me as I sort through these options.
So, what am I going to do? Oh, right! I'm married! I have to consider my husband's needs, concerns, and wishes, too. And the dog's. ;) I have no idea right now which option will come out on top. None. I want my husband to have options wherever we end up, as well, and that is one big drawback to option 1. But he loved option 2, which isn't the best choice for me. *sigh* So there will be lots of conversation and back and forth and thinking.
And, of course, I only have an offer from option 1 at this point! I might be putting the cart before the horse, as there are no guarantees that I will be offered positions at the other schools.
So, ponder ponder.
I am in the 2nd year of a post doctoral fellowship. This means that I am now on the market for tenure-track faculty positions. Which, to be honest, scares the living you-know-what out of me. Seriously. Me? On faculty? With responsibilities and expectations and all that sort of thing? Yikes!
I can't quite figure out sometimes how I got here - how I got from the nerdy freshman in college who (despite studying lots and lots and lots) didn't ace everything...to the mid-20s practitioner who finally found her niche...to the 30 year old who loves academia so much she doesn't want to leave...to now, when I stand on the edge of a whole new part of my professional life.
It's a little scary, to be honest.
I have spent the last month+ selling myself to four different schools in four different cities, in an effort to find the best match - for me and for them. It's been more enjoyable but also a lot harder than I ever imagined it would be.
Option 1 is my current home - the place where I earned my degree (albeit long-distance); the place where I am completing my fellowship. It's a comfortable and nurturing place. I don't doubt that I would do well here...and that we would have the lifestyle to which we have become accustomed (small town setting; university town; Midwestern; etc.). But - in the middle of all this good stuff - the thought comes creeping in that this might not be the *best* place for me to launch my career. Nurturing needs to be balanced with opportunities...and I'm not sure that the opportunities here are the best for me.
Option 2 is closest to most of our friends. It's a school in the Northeast, but it has a very different philosophy and make up than the other schools I am considering. I would be in the minority there - most people focus on things other than straight-up research (which is what I do). That, and the fact that the students were almost universally referred to as "challenging", make this option fall down a few spots on the list.
Option 3 is a vibrant urban school with lots of energy and possibilities. It's also my alma mater for my undergrad degree. Which means there is a lot of emotion and other "stuff" tied into this one, as well. I loved my interview day here - it was busy, but challenging, and I could see how I would fit. On the downside? Very very urban. Our way of life would likely change significantly. And I don't know how I would do back on the East coast, in a *city*. I know, wimpy. Also - while the school has some nurturing qualities (we want you to succeed!) it is also cutthroat and competitive. I could not be a shrinking violet here - I'd have to grab on and, well, lead the way. As cheesy as that sounds.
Option 4 is kind of a weird blend of options 1 and 3. It's in an urban area in a mostly rural state. It is in the Midwest. But it's not a typical big university - it's a small university, in an urban setting. The options there are intriguing...but again, I'm not sure the fit is right. This one is more similar to option 2 in terms of how I would *fit* there. And that is becoming increasingly important to me as I sort through these options.
So, what am I going to do? Oh, right! I'm married! I have to consider my husband's needs, concerns, and wishes, too. And the dog's. ;) I have no idea right now which option will come out on top. None. I want my husband to have options wherever we end up, as well, and that is one big drawback to option 1. But he loved option 2, which isn't the best choice for me. *sigh* So there will be lots of conversation and back and forth and thinking.
And, of course, I only have an offer from option 1 at this point! I might be putting the cart before the horse, as there are no guarantees that I will be offered positions at the other schools.
So, ponder ponder.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
What, exactly, are we trying to prevent?
So, the other thing I have had on my plate the last few months is our decision to use more...long-term (I don't like the term "permanent") birth control.
Yes, that seems completely counterintuitive. We can't get pregnant (despite multiple attempts), so we probably don't *need* to use something. And why on earth wouldn't we welcome a child who results from an unplanned pregnancy?
Except that is one of my biggest fears right now - the unplanned pregnancy.
To be honest, about 50% of this is fear regarding my professional life. I am starting a new - and potentially very stressful - phase in my career. I will be getting on the tenure track. And, depending on where I choose to start my career, I will be going up for tenure in 6 short years. Six. Years.
Granted, most places are quite equitable now, in terms of granting time off the tenure clock, reducing teaching expectations for new parents, and that sort of thing. But. But. But. Given my personality - my perfectionist tendencies - and the possibility that we may be moving back to A Big City (depending on which jobs I am offered, and which one I choose)...well, it's just not the best time for us to have an unplanned pregnancy.
The other 50% of the fear is due to the fact that I am not exactly following recommendations for women who are trying to get pregnant. I like a glass of wine with dinner - or a beer with lunch on Saturdays. I am careful but not overly so about what products I use. I am not in the careful mindset of someone who is thinking about gestating a growing embryo/fetus/child. And I have seen too many things go wrong to risk an unplanned pregnancy *when I am making potentially unhealthful choices for a growing embryo*. Note that I didn't say they're not unhealthful choices for ME - there is always room in my life for a glass of wine. But I do not want to...what's the word...stick a kid with these choices. It's not fair. I'm more careful than that.
And, a teeny tiny part of me - maybe bigger than I'm giving it credit for - is due to the emotional impact of being infertile-yet-not-giving-up-hope. It's the part of me that thinks, yes! I *could* be one of the lucky ones! And to be honest? Having that hope every.single.month, and then losing that hope every.single.month (or, to be honest, again - every 21-25 days) was wearing on me. I know people deal with that for longer than I did. But to have my hopes dashed every month...to think that THIS TIME, it might have worked? I couldn't deal with that any more. Particularly given the potential for the time on the tenure track (wow, that was alliterative) to be emotionally difficult in other ways. It's not fair to me - or to my husband - to add hope (and despair) over failed conception to the mix.
We decided that an IUD would be the best move. I'm not yet ready to jump into something permanent - who knows what could change in a few years??? But this is the next best thing. It's relatively mindless. I don't have to take something every day. The hormonal effects are local, not systemic. So, good choice all around.
I spent the insertion talking about our infertility and the choices we had made with the attending and the nurse, while the resident placed the IUD. That was interesting...I've become much more adept at talking about it, even when I don't want to.
But the aftermath...good grief. The same part of me that thought "maybe we'll be one of the lucky ones!" also thought "maybe I'll be one of the people who has no bleeding, no cramping, and no periods!" Um, yeah. No. Cramping for a week+. Bleeding now for a week+. Feeling like my insides were being twisted like a towel is wrung. Laughing at their suggestion of back up contraception for two weeks because, a) remember, I can't get pregnant? and b) why on earth would I want to have sex feeling like THIS????
My husband is overseas for a week or so, then working (as per usual) in the Big City until coming home for Easter weekend. We'll go to my in-laws' (sigh). So we'll probably be abstinent for most of a month after the insertion. Which is good. It's...it's a little icky right now. Here's hoping it gets better. The cramping has improved remarkably...I am hopeful that the bleeding is next.
Yes, that seems completely counterintuitive. We can't get pregnant (despite multiple attempts), so we probably don't *need* to use something. And why on earth wouldn't we welcome a child who results from an unplanned pregnancy?
Except that is one of my biggest fears right now - the unplanned pregnancy.
To be honest, about 50% of this is fear regarding my professional life. I am starting a new - and potentially very stressful - phase in my career. I will be getting on the tenure track. And, depending on where I choose to start my career, I will be going up for tenure in 6 short years. Six. Years.
Granted, most places are quite equitable now, in terms of granting time off the tenure clock, reducing teaching expectations for new parents, and that sort of thing. But. But. But. Given my personality - my perfectionist tendencies - and the possibility that we may be moving back to A Big City (depending on which jobs I am offered, and which one I choose)...well, it's just not the best time for us to have an unplanned pregnancy.
The other 50% of the fear is due to the fact that I am not exactly following recommendations for women who are trying to get pregnant. I like a glass of wine with dinner - or a beer with lunch on Saturdays. I am careful but not overly so about what products I use. I am not in the careful mindset of someone who is thinking about gestating a growing embryo/fetus/child. And I have seen too many things go wrong to risk an unplanned pregnancy *when I am making potentially unhealthful choices for a growing embryo*. Note that I didn't say they're not unhealthful choices for ME - there is always room in my life for a glass of wine. But I do not want to...what's the word...stick a kid with these choices. It's not fair. I'm more careful than that.
And, a teeny tiny part of me - maybe bigger than I'm giving it credit for - is due to the emotional impact of being infertile-yet-not-giving-up-hope. It's the part of me that thinks, yes! I *could* be one of the lucky ones! And to be honest? Having that hope every.single.month, and then losing that hope every.single.month (or, to be honest, again - every 21-25 days) was wearing on me. I know people deal with that for longer than I did. But to have my hopes dashed every month...to think that THIS TIME, it might have worked? I couldn't deal with that any more. Particularly given the potential for the time on the tenure track (wow, that was alliterative) to be emotionally difficult in other ways. It's not fair to me - or to my husband - to add hope (and despair) over failed conception to the mix.
We decided that an IUD would be the best move. I'm not yet ready to jump into something permanent - who knows what could change in a few years??? But this is the next best thing. It's relatively mindless. I don't have to take something every day. The hormonal effects are local, not systemic. So, good choice all around.
I spent the insertion talking about our infertility and the choices we had made with the attending and the nurse, while the resident placed the IUD. That was interesting...I've become much more adept at talking about it, even when I don't want to.
But the aftermath...good grief. The same part of me that thought "maybe we'll be one of the lucky ones!" also thought "maybe I'll be one of the people who has no bleeding, no cramping, and no periods!" Um, yeah. No. Cramping for a week+. Bleeding now for a week+. Feeling like my insides were being twisted like a towel is wrung. Laughing at their suggestion of back up contraception for two weeks because, a) remember, I can't get pregnant? and b) why on earth would I want to have sex feeling like THIS????
My husband is overseas for a week or so, then working (as per usual) in the Big City until coming home for Easter weekend. We'll go to my in-laws' (sigh). So we'll probably be abstinent for most of a month after the insertion. Which is good. It's...it's a little icky right now. Here's hoping it gets better. The cramping has improved remarkably...I am hopeful that the bleeding is next.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Connections
Goodness, it is a small world out there. Particularly in my line of work. This has been really evident during the FOUR job interviews that I have been on in the last month+. I'm not complaining - no, really, I'm not. But it's kind of hilarious to realize that I have only really been in this part of my profession for...not quite 9 years? Actually - not even that. Let's go with 7 ish years. And I knew someone at every single one of these Universities. Now, that may be partly because I chose these places knowing that someone I know (and, generally, like) is already working there. Who better to give me the lowdown on what is actually happening there? But it was still kind of funny.
Also - people tend to know other people in my line of work (e.g., "Oh, I know [your advisor]! Please say hi when you get back home!). This should not surprise me - but it also serves as a reminder to a) never act like a jerk (not too difficult, I hope...) and b) never, ever, ever, under any circumstances, if I can help it, should I burn a professional bridge. And I do mean Never. Ever.
So, now I am juggling all of these options and trying to make a decision and making spreadsheets and pro/con lists and even lists of the intangibles, which, my God, who does that? I already have the gut feeling it will come down to choice A or choice B...but I need to get there in a couple ways - by going through the data, and by exploring how I felt when I interviewed at each place.
The problem is this - I know I could do great work both places. I know I would work with wonderful people. I know I would advance in my field. But choice B (which happens to be my alma mater) is just a little bit more than choice A. Choice A (which happens to be my current location) is a great school - but it's just a smidgen 'below' choice B on the ladder of most-influential-and-scary-places-to-do-good work. Also? Choice B - I would be one of the only people in my specialty. Choice A? I'd be (at least for the time being) with a group focused on that topic, and I would be one member of a team.
I've been likening choice A to a pair of yoga pants. They may not be perfect, but boy, are they comfortable. And they fit. And they flatter nearly everyone. And did I say that they're comfortable?
Choice B is like make up and high heels. Every day. Have I mentioned that I am *not* a makeup person in my personal life? My husband would laugh his head off if I characterized myself as such. But in my professional life? With all the weight that carries? Do I want to be at the place that forces me to be a little better than what I would be on my own? Do I (as an adviser said) go to the place where I can do the best science? or do I go to the place where I feel comfortable and happy?
AUGH...the choices. And this is just my opinion! Imagine how much fun this will be when my husband finally returns from overseas (work trip) and we sit down to work through this together.
I suspect lots of wine will be consumed.
****
The other aspect of all of this that I haven't really thought about is - that we don't have a really integrated network of friends here. So even if we went with choice A - the comfortable choice - I'm not sure how our lives here would play out in the long term.
I feel like I am constantly on the outside looking in with the people I have met since we moved here almost 2 years ago. The people I knew from before are now each other's best friends - they talk multiple times a day. I don't have the time or the patience for that -so I don't really begrudge them that. But how nice would it be to have a local best friend? Someone to meet for lunch, or shopping, or just getting out of the house? (I just typed "hose"....maybe I'm secretly Canadian?)
And I don't fit in with the neighborhood women - all married (well, I am, too) and with at least one child. Most have multiple children. And many stay home. So I don't really fit in with them, either. I mean, they're polite to me, but we have nothing in common that I can tell.
I'm not really connecting with many people on the Internets, either. In part because I am just naturally an introvert (comment on blog posts!?!?!? Why would I do that??) and in part because...well, it's more comfortable not to put myself out there.
So, I wonder. Would our lives change substantially if we stayed here? Probably not. Am I happy with that? I think I am.
Would our lives change substantially if we moved elsewhere? Probably not. We're introverts. We love each other's company. We don't mind not going out with people every 3rd weeknight and every weekend...But sometimes it gets lonely. I'm just not sure how to break out of my shell, whether it's here or elsewhere.
Also - people tend to know other people in my line of work (e.g., "Oh, I know [your advisor]! Please say hi when you get back home!). This should not surprise me - but it also serves as a reminder to a) never act like a jerk (not too difficult, I hope...) and b) never, ever, ever, under any circumstances, if I can help it, should I burn a professional bridge. And I do mean Never. Ever.
So, now I am juggling all of these options and trying to make a decision and making spreadsheets and pro/con lists and even lists of the intangibles, which, my God, who does that? I already have the gut feeling it will come down to choice A or choice B...but I need to get there in a couple ways - by going through the data, and by exploring how I felt when I interviewed at each place.
The problem is this - I know I could do great work both places. I know I would work with wonderful people. I know I would advance in my field. But choice B (which happens to be my alma mater) is just a little bit more than choice A. Choice A (which happens to be my current location) is a great school - but it's just a smidgen 'below' choice B on the ladder of most-influential-and-scary-places-to-do-good work. Also? Choice B - I would be one of the only people in my specialty. Choice A? I'd be (at least for the time being) with a group focused on that topic, and I would be one member of a team.
I've been likening choice A to a pair of yoga pants. They may not be perfect, but boy, are they comfortable. And they fit. And they flatter nearly everyone. And did I say that they're comfortable?
Choice B is like make up and high heels. Every day. Have I mentioned that I am *not* a makeup person in my personal life? My husband would laugh his head off if I characterized myself as such. But in my professional life? With all the weight that carries? Do I want to be at the place that forces me to be a little better than what I would be on my own? Do I (as an adviser said) go to the place where I can do the best science? or do I go to the place where I feel comfortable and happy?
AUGH...the choices. And this is just my opinion! Imagine how much fun this will be when my husband finally returns from overseas (work trip) and we sit down to work through this together.
I suspect lots of wine will be consumed.
****
The other aspect of all of this that I haven't really thought about is - that we don't have a really integrated network of friends here. So even if we went with choice A - the comfortable choice - I'm not sure how our lives here would play out in the long term.
I feel like I am constantly on the outside looking in with the people I have met since we moved here almost 2 years ago. The people I knew from before are now each other's best friends - they talk multiple times a day. I don't have the time or the patience for that -so I don't really begrudge them that. But how nice would it be to have a local best friend? Someone to meet for lunch, or shopping, or just getting out of the house? (I just typed "hose"....maybe I'm secretly Canadian?)
And I don't fit in with the neighborhood women - all married (well, I am, too) and with at least one child. Most have multiple children. And many stay home. So I don't really fit in with them, either. I mean, they're polite to me, but we have nothing in common that I can tell.
I'm not really connecting with many people on the Internets, either. In part because I am just naturally an introvert (comment on blog posts!?!?!? Why would I do that??) and in part because...well, it's more comfortable not to put myself out there.
So, I wonder. Would our lives change substantially if we stayed here? Probably not. Am I happy with that? I think I am.
Would our lives change substantially if we moved elsewhere? Probably not. We're introverts. We love each other's company. We don't mind not going out with people every 3rd weeknight and every weekend...But sometimes it gets lonely. I'm just not sure how to break out of my shell, whether it's here or elsewhere.
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