I love...

...coming home again after much too long a trip
...having a sort-of-lazy yet productive weekend
...my guys (human and canine)
...the feeling of finishing a half-marathon! twice in the last 2 weekends!
...breaking my PR in the 2nd half-marathon! (of course, since the first was my first...but I still cut 10 minutes off my time!)
...FALL! leaves changing, sunshine, blue skies
...thinking about the possibilities
...when my husband cooks his chili for dinner
...those crescent rolls in a tube (mmm...)
...crossing things off my to-do list
...friends' new babies
...smiley 6-month-olds

(I just feel like I have been too negative recently...will be rehashing everything from my trip soon, but it's just so good to be home and in my routine, I had to write this first.)

Re-Entry

Well, re-entry was as difficult as I thought it might be. We had a lovely time at the wedding - helped by the fact that we spent very little time with my in-laws, and the time we did spend with them was in a larger group.

My husband had a realization recently - maybe it was last night? Anyway, I was asking when he wanted to go visit his parents, and he said that he doesn't think they look forward to/anticipate our visits. I like to think that we're not bad houseguests - we TRY to clean up after ourselves, and sometimes even throw ourselves bodily in front of the sink to clean up our own dishes. We don't hog the bathroom (they only have one), as far as I can tell. We eat what they want to eat (even when it gives us stomachaches). It's just...I don't get that vibe that they look forward to our visits. I dunno...they also won't come visit us and stay overnight, so maybe it's just them?

Anywho...all this to say that being with them can sometimes be difficult and draining. I find it hardest not knowing when the latest drama will erupt...and what the carnage will be. Most of the time? I'm completely oblivious to whatever it is that sets them off.

I got totally off track there, so anyway... this trip was lovely in that we were able to spend time off! together! in a fun place! Why, it was almost...a vacation (shh, don't tell). The wedding was in wine country, so we toured a few vineyards, and saw some exhibits, and enjoyed the scenery and the people watching. We stayed at a fancy resort (courtesy of my brother-in-law and now-sister-in-law) that had fancy things I've never seen before, outside of movies. You know, the fancy bathrobes? The slippers? The toiletries that you can't take home - but you can *buy* them if your little heart desires it? We reveled in the luxury of it all, extremely grateful to my brother in law that their generosity allowed us to stay there. The thank you note has been purchased and will be in the mail tomorrow, if I have anything to say about it.

The wedding itself made me think about our wedding. While I loved our wedding - it was very traditional, with a few non-traditional quirks - I would do it completely differently now. Completely. As in, I would strongly suggest that we elope. This was a small wedding - about as small as you can have without either a) limiting it to immediate family only, or b) eloping. It was also non (a?)religious.

I haven't talked about this much on this blog- and probably won't get into it in this post - but I have essentially lost any faith that I might have had up to this point. Big time. I have always had a hard time with overtly evangelical "crusaders", but up til now? I always had some form of faith. Now? Not so much. Is it too much time in science? Too much time thinking? Too much time without the touchstone of a regular church? Too...well, I don't know. I'll come back to that some other day. But I really enjoyed the fact that this was essentially a civil ceremony. There was no singing. There was no praying. There was no praising of some higher power for bringing these two together. (Of course, in their case? that would be the internets...) I really enjoyed that part of it - it was very freeing for me.

It made me a little sad that the wedding we had was - in hindsight - probably more for my mother than it was for me. But it made her happy - it made me happy, at the time - and that is all I can really ask for. Hindsight really is 20/20.

ANYway, I keep getting off track. Lovely wedding, lovely people. I had an introvert moment on Friday evening, when I excused myself from the late-night bar gathering in favor of a trashy magazine in bed. Talking to people...interacting with people...getting to KNOW people...can completely exhaust me. N and I are both introverts - but he does better in these kinds of situations. I do better when I am with a group of people I know well. But this was...tiring. So I took my time, and I was the better for it.

Re-entry into our regular lives has been rough. The dog was completely off his schedule. The house was fine - but there was the mail and the general travel detritus to go through. We finally got the house organized this past weekend, and I realized that next week? I leave for a week out East. So it won't last long.

Overall? I suppose the drama was less overt than I was expecting, although there were the typical weirdnesses along the way. I'm ever so grateful to have my husband - even though my in-laws come as a package deal with him. Really, though - we haven't traveled alone together since our honeymoon, and it was nice to know that my/our enjoyment of that week was not just a one-off. We really do travel well together. So it'd be nice if we could get a smidge more vacation time, so we could practice a little more.

Messy

My brain is a mess recently...Trying to work through issues related to the age old question of what DO I want to study now...still coming to terms with the whole infertility thing...going to my brother in law's wedding this weekend...my father having vague symptoms that don't seem to connect to anything but that make me think the worst (of course)...

Sometimes it is very tiring being in my brain.

And then, when the thoughts cross? Watch out.

I'm grateful we don't have kids because I don't know what kind of mother I would be right now. I'm angry at the pregnant women I see smoking on the edges of hospital property, because *I* would do a better job while pregnant. Nearly every time I have a twinge pre-period, I wonder whether I got pregnant against all odds. I am looking forward to getting away this week - but not to the work that awaits when we return, or the dysfunctionality (is that a word?) that my in-laws bring to each family gathering. I know what I want to study, but I'm having a hard time articulating it. I'm anxious about the tenure track, and I'm not even on it! I worry about my parents getting sick and living 1000 miles away. And on and on and on...

Sometimes I just want to turn my brain off. I'm grateful that these thoughts don't keep me up at night, but sometimes they keep me from being very productive during the day. Perhaps writing about them more would help? I suppose that is one reason I have this blog - to work through some of these conflicting and consuming thoughts. I don't feel disorganized - my to-do list is up-to-date and detailed - but at times I feel like I am going to lose all the threads of my life if I don't keepupkeepupkeepup...

I hope that this trip helps calm me down a bit... I want to enjoy it, but of course I am taking my computer. *sigh* All those years of never being really disconnected from it all...I think they are still influencing how I go about doing things.

Time to rewrite my to-do list. Time to clear my head. Time to get away for a bit.

Self-Pity

AKA, Happy Birthday to Me.

I had one of the best birthdays I've had in a long time on Saturday...just me and N and the dog. We went to lunch (and drank wine!), we took a drive, we took the dog to the d-o-g-p-a-r-k.

But the only people who called were my parents and my brother. Not my best-friend-from-forever, not my college roommate (otherwise known as my other half, or the female version of my husband)...and I went into a major MAJOR sulk. I just felt...ignored. And I wondered whether the distance (they each live about 1200 miles away) between us was getting in the way of our friendships. N was sympathetic, but I just needed to wallow. So I did. And I felt badly that I had ended this perfect birthday that way.

Friend one (we have known each other since before we can remember) called Sunday. Her sisters had been visiting, with their spouses/spouses-to-be, and there were new babies and talks of weddings, and she hadn't been able to call until they left and the kids went down for naps. I forgave her, obviously. Duh.

Friend two called this morning at 0630 our time. She had her second baby at 0300 today (well, 0259, if we're going to be picky about these things) and was calling to say happy belated birthday and hey, look! You have a new honorary niece! and I forgave her, obviously. Duh.

I wonder why I feel the need to fuss about WHEN they call. After all, isn't it more important that they DID call, and they DID remember, not that they called a day or so after my birthday? I am not the most important thing in their lives...but they still love me and want me to be happy.

I don't know where I am going with this, just that I hope a) I am a little less self-centered about this kind of thing the next time it happens, b) I don't ruin the next birthday with a pity party, and c) I do a much much MUCH better job of remembering other peoples' birthdays.

On a side note, it was the coldest birthday I can remember. I had to wear long sleeves, and jeans! Usually I am in shorts and a t-shirt. It was just a lovely, lovely day. I am so lucky.

Argh

And, a happy early birthday to me....on a gray, gloomy day (the 3rd in a row)...and the day I figured out they changed a grant deadline so that it's not the letter of INTENT that's due next week. No, it's the whole grant. And I missed the letter of intent deadline. What the he**?

I am so frustrated right now. It feels like I can't do anything right this week - hell, it feels like I can't do anything right this month.

It started with the wedding, and the not-so-covert glances at my very-not-pregnant stomach. Moved on to the vacation-that-wasn't, and the frustration caused by my family. Segue to an inability to concentrate, a looming tuition bill, books for the semester that will cost in the neighborhood of $500, a checking account that has seen better days, and now this? I know it doesn't seem like much to people who are struggling with *real* issues, but these are *my* issues, and they seem real enough to me.

I've been avoiding phone calls from friends, suspecting that they are pregnant.

I've have been crying at the drop of a hat this week - first at the (early, very early) arrival of my period (woo hoo, not pregnant...AGAIN), and now at the changed deadline dates of a grant that I think I had a very good chance of getting this year.

Why would they want to bring me on faculty if I mess up on something like this? I didn't check the webpage again when I got the email that it was up - I had already checked it, several weeks before, and written down the dates. I had downloaded the relevant information and forms. I had a scheduled worked out. I was working on the background and the significance arguments, with a plan to move on next week to the methods section. Plenty of time before September 25th.

Stupid stupid stupid.

Oh, and I scared the dog by yelling a Very Bad Word when I re-checked the webpage for something (the email of the person for the letter of intent, I think?) and saw the changed dates. So now he doesn't want to be near me.

Can I have a do-over? Maybe for the whole month?

Hatin' on the girls

I feel the need to get this out there - although, quite honestly, I'm not sure whether anyone else really wants to know about this. But here it is - the ugly truth: I hate my breasts.

I really do.

You may be asking - What about self-love? What about all the functions they're supposed to serve? What about, you know, exulting in the female body, blah blah blah?

And to that, I say - you are not living with them.

I'm sure that, in many peoples' opinions, it's not that bad. I mean, I can see my feet. I can do the things that I want to do. I don't have grooves in my shoulders from bra straps. And thank goodness - I don't need to buy custom-made bras.

But...and for me, it's a big but... They make my life so much more difficult. [Here's the whining part, if you'd like to skip...]. I am a runner. I like to think of myself as an athlete. They get in the way. They hurt. They make it hard to run. It is really hard to find sports bras when you are not a big person in other ways - but you need to contain breasts that are larger than "normal".

It's hard to find regular clothes that fit well. If something fits over my chest, I can guarantee it's too big elsewhere. I wear baggy shirts because I don't like drawing attention to them. On my rest days - when I read the paper in my pjs? - I actually put on a bra before hand because it hurts to have them unsupported.

I've never been able to wear cute tops like my college roommates, or cute bathing suits, or any of that. It's been all about the industrial "nun bras" (as my mother calls them). The bathing suits with high necks. Trying to find tops that conceal and cover but don't make me look like I'm 2 sizes bigger than I really am.

And don't get me started on the week before my period.

Last night, I realized that they impair the forward and back motion of my arms. Like when I'm in the shower. I need to bring my arms out to the side to accommodate them. And when I lie on my back? They are big enough to sag into my armpits.

Even worse, it's not like they're doing what they were put there to do. I can't get pregnant. It's not likely that I will ever need to breastfeed. So at this point? They're big, honking reminders of the fact that my body has failed at this most basic of functions - ensuring the continuation of the species.

I remember complaining to my mother at some point in my late 20s, how they're irritating, they're too big, why didn't I get her smaller chest? She mentioned that she'd been like me when younger, but then she breastfed, and poof! Her boobs shrank. I held onto that statement like a frickin' lifeline. I'm serious. I thought, well, if I can just get pregnant, and breastfeed for as long as possible, maybe they'll shrink? And I won't need to go through the rest of my life embarrassed, in pain, and always seeking THE sports bra that will keep them from flailing about without, you know, squishing them up to my chin.

And then, not to be able to get pregnant? It's just another one in the long line of blows that came from that news. A small one, perhaps, to someone looking from the outside. But when you live with it every.day....it gets old after a while.

There's not much I can do. As I said, this is my personal opinion, which is not likely quantifiable and insurance-coverable. I don't meet other peoples' criteria for 'wow, how bad is that?' so unless we hit the lottery, I am going to have to learn to live with them - and what they will never do for me. Right now, that's pretty hard.

Whiny

I've been mentally whining to myself for a few days now, and I'm not sure why, or what triggered it. Side note - I love the British (? I assume it's British?) term "whinging". But if I typed that, I probably wouldn't remember what it meant years later. Anywho...

I have been having a hard time recently with the idea that we aren't actively trying anymore. And circumstances have been such that it seems the whole world* is against me, too.

Exhibit A - the diabetes study that I was going to be in - three years, experimental medications, not allowed to get pregnant? Yeah, I'm not eligible. Turns out that my dm is under good enough control - so I can't be included. I didn't make the cut off. So, poof! There goes that idea of being productive and contributing to society through ways OTHER than having children.

Exhibit B - the state fair. We went yesterday - first time to this one for both of us. And Oh.My.God. It seemed like everywhere I looked, there were pregnant people. Hugely pregnant people. But the best was the pregnant 20 year old (well, she looked 20), who was not only a) hugely pregnant, but b) had a 10-12 month old on her hip, and c) was smoking. Yeah. That didn't sit too well with me. It's all I can do to keep nasty thoughts from rising up at the thought of that.

Exhibit C - I think 95% of the people I know right now are either pregnant, trying to become pregnant, or contemplating another pregnancy. And it's getting really hard. The two other people from my old job who were having trouble? Both pregnant and doing well. Which, absolutely - great for them. But for me? It's just a little hard to swallow. People at work? Pregnant. High school classmates on FB? Pregnant.

Maybe I just need to wallow for a little bit - remember why I enjoy our life together as it is. But sometimes I feel like I am trying too hard. And then I get down in the dumps again. It just feels like I can't win right now.