I've been thinking a lot about regrets in the last few days, and kind of taking stock of where I am in life, what I have accomplished to this point, and whether I have any regrets about the road I have taken to get here.
I've come to the conclusion that I don't really have any regrets, which kind of fascinates me. I mean, there were certainly different paths I could have taken along the way. But that would mean that I would not be who I am today - and I would not be where I am today, doing what I do.
This was prompted by a gathering last Friday of new faculty members at our university. We met with the new (interim) provost, an introspective engineer, of all things. And he mentioned that every year, after the spring semester raced to a close, he would spend some time reflecting on whether he had enjoyed the last year, including his research, his teaching, his interactions with colleagues, and his interactions with students. He said that if the university was going to put him under the microscope every year for his annual review, then he thought he owed it to himself to do the same kind of examination from his perspective.
I don't do this often, but I have re-evaluated my spot in life over time. Last year, I did it a LOT when I was interviewing for jobs. Now that we are relatively settled, it's less of a 'thing', but it's something that I still do periodically. I find it helpful to have trusted colleagues that I can talk to about these things, too - if I find that there is kind of a sore spot at work (for example, right now I have a colleague who is driving me absolutely bonkers...), then I can examine with my colleagues whether it is me - and my response to the person - or whether they are also being driven bonkers by the same person. It's a nice check on me - I find that I can be kind of mean sometimes - and it's a good way for me to make sure that I, myself, am not going off the deep end. And I trust these colleagues to tell me if I am doing so.
But back to regrets - and reflection - on my personal life. I did think back to our journey with infertility over the last few weeks, again. Would I have done anything differently? I don't think I would have. I had two consults with health care providers (my women's health NP and a different midwife) before we even tried conceiving. They both pronounced me in good health, and told me to have at it. Of course, there were obviously problems, but I don't believe that they could have detected those problems if they had even looked. It's not like the RE's were able to pinpoint a cause for my infertility - or a successful way to treat it.
Would I have waited as long to try for children? Again, no. And that is not because I didn't want kids earlier - it's because of where we were in our lives. I had prioritized graduate school. That got me where I am today - with the job I have today, which I do love (as much as I sometimes complain about it). Before I met my husband, I was at peace with the idea of being single for the majority of my life. Meeting my husband was an unexpected - and joyful - surprise. So - regrets about how old I was when we got married? About waiting a year and a half to try for children? No, definitely not.
I haven't examined *everything* in my life, obviously. But I do think that I am where I am today - and I am *who* I am today - because of everything that has come before. I'm not religious - I don't think there is a plan - but I do think that in the choose your own adventure that is life, I've done pretty darn well so far. And I anticipate that that will continue.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Another month, more pregnancies
Seems like everyone (or at least, the people I know) has been conspiring to keep me thinking about my infertility recently.
I have also decided to give up on the #(%* IUD already. Of course, it's 2 months (!) until I can get an appointment with my primary doc, but I suppose I can live with that. I have cramps, still, > 50% of the time. At times, they are so bad that Advil won't touch them. And I don't want to have to take Advil 2 weeks out of the month. It's just not the right choice for me. At the time I had it inserted, she said that she would still be willing to have me on birth control pills, until I am 40. That would work for me, I think.
So I'll go in in April, and hopefully get the darn thing taken out at the same appointment. It would be just like them to have me make a different appointment for its removal. Gah. I have liked the whole no-period thing, though, which is why I think I'll continue with some form of b.c. for now.
Otherwise, things are busy busy busy but in a good way. I think. :) My job is crazy, my husband is busy and happy, the dog is thriving, and we are having the most random warm day in the middle of February. It's 60 degrees out there! I think we'll go get the mail, and I'll try to forget about all of this for a few minutes. Of course, it's likely that one or more of the neighbors are pregnant. Again. So how successful I'll be is a complete crap shoot.
- My cousin's wife is due tomorrow with their 'first child'. This is the one that I missed the shower for, thank goodness. I know, that's awful to say. But it really did make it easier. Her mother in law (my aunt) is eagerly anticipating the birth of her first grandchild, and called my mom all excited earlier this week.
- This makes me wonder whether / how our infertility affects my parents (and even my husband's parents). I've never asked, to be honest. I mean, my mother used to tell me that people were asking when we would have kids. I told her at that point that she could tell them that it wasn't going to happen, if she wanted. But I don't know if she ever did that. Or, if she did, I don't know who she did and didn't tell. I just kind of avoid the subject.
- A friend from high school is pregnant with baby #2. She informed us on an email thread that was started by a friend getting married this May. That one came out of left field for me.
- Another friend, this time from my dissertation research, is pregnant with baby #2, and is due in July. She had a miscarriage at 8-10 weeks a couple of years ago, which actually made all of us in that department much closer. And then she had a successful pregnancy - and she has a beautiful daughter. I'm happy for her... but also sad.
- And yesterday was the oh-so-fun child abuse and neglect lecture in the class that I am sitting in on. I don't think I've ever mentioned that I happen to be a pediatric nurse practitioner, of all things. Being an infertile PNP is like the worst of both worlds. On my side, I haven't experienced parenthood. I've never been up all night with a baby. I've never gone through birth. I've never had to decide about so many things that parents ask about. On the other hand, I know a lot about children and child development and child illness. But, on the parents' side (and on my students' side), there is a lack of credibility, because I haven't *been there*. Anyway. I digress. I hate hate hate hate the abuse / neglect lecture, not only because I've seen it many times over the years, but because it reminds me that there are many people out there who probably should not have children, but who have no difficulty doing so. Many times, it seems as though they have lots of children. And that is so, so hard for me to deal with. It's like the news articles about mothers who kill their children. (Side note: apparently, the word for parental killing of a child is "filicide". When mothers do it, it's "maternal filicide", and, logically, when fathers do it, it is "paternal filicide". And, per wikipedia, filicide is the 3rd leading cause of death of death among children 5-14.)
- Sorry, that was a very depressing bullet.
- Oh, and the news anchor on our local news is about to pop. Any second. So every morning, at the gym, I am reminded of this.
I have also decided to give up on the #(%* IUD already. Of course, it's 2 months (!) until I can get an appointment with my primary doc, but I suppose I can live with that. I have cramps, still, > 50% of the time. At times, they are so bad that Advil won't touch them. And I don't want to have to take Advil 2 weeks out of the month. It's just not the right choice for me. At the time I had it inserted, she said that she would still be willing to have me on birth control pills, until I am 40. That would work for me, I think.
So I'll go in in April, and hopefully get the darn thing taken out at the same appointment. It would be just like them to have me make a different appointment for its removal. Gah. I have liked the whole no-period thing, though, which is why I think I'll continue with some form of b.c. for now.
Otherwise, things are busy busy busy but in a good way. I think. :) My job is crazy, my husband is busy and happy, the dog is thriving, and we are having the most random warm day in the middle of February. It's 60 degrees out there! I think we'll go get the mail, and I'll try to forget about all of this for a few minutes. Of course, it's likely that one or more of the neighbors are pregnant. Again. So how successful I'll be is a complete crap shoot.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Oh, where to start
One of my NY resolutions is to blog more. I think I made the same resolution last year. BUT, this year, my overall goal is actually to compartmentalize a little more. Not to ignore all facets of my life, but to ensure that I pay attention to all of those facets. And, for me, compartmentalization is the way to go. I hope that by blogging more, I'll be able to address my thoughts / feelings re infertility / childlessness more as they come up, and less in (far distant) hindsight.
Our trip back East for New Year's was, overall, quite good. We had good travel karma this time, even with my husband having to fly elsewhere on the way home, for work. The weather cooperated (we were lucky, we were right in between blizzards) and we even got a taste of some 50 degree weather while we were there!
On the other hand, though...there were still some minor hurdles.
We saw good friends and their family several times while we were home. I went to kindergarten with the wife, and have known her all of my life. She's the one I refer to as my "best friend from childhood". Anyway, they have three children, and she knows about my infertility. So she's one of...well, 3-4 people who actually know that we have tried, that having children would require more medical intervention than I am comfortable with, and that we are close to giving up.
She's also one of my more religious friends. Has been, for years. And, hm. I don't know how to say this, but she's also more evangelical than most. Maybe the word I am looking for is...she evangelizes? What I'm trying to get at is, she takes others' religious beliefs - and whether they align with hers - very seriously. And that has never sat well with me. I think belief is a very individual thing. Even when I was in my super-religious college days, I was never comfortable with the idea of pushing my beliefs on others. I'm even more uncomfortable with overt attempts at conversion. For example, my brother has a high school friend whose job it is to convert Sikhs in England to Christianity. I just...think that is wrong. That's my personal opinion - you, of course, are free to agree or disagree.
But I have wandered off track a bit. I guess that evangelizing piece really wanted to come out. :)
So, she's more religious than I am, especially now. And she still is concerned with others' beliefs. She also says things like "I'll pray for you", which she said when I talked about our struggles with infertility, and with stepping off the IUI/IVF train. As I've written before, I have pretty much lost my religion. I have deep-seated doubts about the existence of a higher Being, and whether that Being is, in fact, the God of my childhood beliefs. For someone who regularly prayed, went to Bible study, and tried to live "as a Christian", this is...a big change. I'm not entirely sure where I fall on the religiosity spectrum, but I'm pretty far away from "believer", and from "observant", and even from "religious". I'd say I'm verging on atheist / agnostic.
We have not exchanged major gifts for years, now. I will send her things when I see them, that make me think of her. Or, that we don't want / need - like the electric griddle I sent last year. It was perfect for their family of 5. We never used it. I plan on sending my unused flannel sheets to her just as soon as I can buy more packing tape. That kind of thing. But she called on New Year's Day and wanted to bring over a gift for me. The gift? A book:
And that got me thinking about whether similarity is necessary for close friendship. I've never believed that it is, but I have watched my formerly close relationships drift since we decided not to actively pursue having kids. My relationship with this friend seems strong - we talk every couple of weeks on the phone - but...I'm not sure we are in the same place, viewing our futures in the same way.
The same goes for my other, other half - my college roommate. I haven't talked to her since before Thanksgiving. Where I once would talk to her at least once a day - this was pre-her-kids - now it is months. I told myself it was because she had two young children. Her son is 4 and her daughter is 1. But... Now I am not so sure. And I don't know what to do about it. I'm reluctant to bring it up - as in, 'I miss you' - because I don't want her response to be negative. I don't want to guilt someone into continuing a friendship with me, but... what if the basis for those friendships has shifted? What if we are no longer similar enough to be good friends?
And then what do I do? No kids. A rarity in this town, particularly among people our age, and in our neighborhood, and who we encounter at work. We are like an island of childlessness among these large, growing families.
I think it's actually more awkward because I am a pediatrics person by training. That's my clinical side. I actually know a fair amount about child development, and about kids, and about kids' medical problems. That's what I do, professionally. So to couple that with not having our own kids is...weird...for most people.
Saturday, I had the chance? option? invitation? to attend a "potty party" for a friend's almost-3-year-old. I bailed at the last minute. His little friend was coming over, and I realized I didn't want to be the token childless adult there, forced into awkward conversation with parents about the potty training habits of their children. She actually said, when inviting me, that she thought of me because "You get kids, you get the kid-thing" and I thought "Do I really?"
As usual, I'm not sure where this is going. Just that I am, again, having a hard time finding my way among friendships when kids are involved. Or not. As the case may be.
And, don't even get me STARTED about my husband's ex-wife. Who now has preemie twins. Via donor sperm insemination. Since her husband is OUR MOTHERS' AGE. Good grief. More for another time...
Our trip back East for New Year's was, overall, quite good. We had good travel karma this time, even with my husband having to fly elsewhere on the way home, for work. The weather cooperated (we were lucky, we were right in between blizzards) and we even got a taste of some 50 degree weather while we were there!
On the other hand, though...there were still some minor hurdles.
We saw good friends and their family several times while we were home. I went to kindergarten with the wife, and have known her all of my life. She's the one I refer to as my "best friend from childhood". Anyway, they have three children, and she knows about my infertility. So she's one of...well, 3-4 people who actually know that we have tried, that having children would require more medical intervention than I am comfortable with, and that we are close to giving up.
She's also one of my more religious friends. Has been, for years. And, hm. I don't know how to say this, but she's also more evangelical than most. Maybe the word I am looking for is...she evangelizes? What I'm trying to get at is, she takes others' religious beliefs - and whether they align with hers - very seriously. And that has never sat well with me. I think belief is a very individual thing. Even when I was in my super-religious college days, I was never comfortable with the idea of pushing my beliefs on others. I'm even more uncomfortable with overt attempts at conversion. For example, my brother has a high school friend whose job it is to convert Sikhs in England to Christianity. I just...think that is wrong. That's my personal opinion - you, of course, are free to agree or disagree.
But I have wandered off track a bit. I guess that evangelizing piece really wanted to come out. :)
So, she's more religious than I am, especially now. And she still is concerned with others' beliefs. She also says things like "I'll pray for you", which she said when I talked about our struggles with infertility, and with stepping off the IUI/IVF train. As I've written before, I have pretty much lost my religion. I have deep-seated doubts about the existence of a higher Being, and whether that Being is, in fact, the God of my childhood beliefs. For someone who regularly prayed, went to Bible study, and tried to live "as a Christian", this is...a big change. I'm not entirely sure where I fall on the religiosity spectrum, but I'm pretty far away from "believer", and from "observant", and even from "religious". I'd say I'm verging on atheist / agnostic.
We have not exchanged major gifts for years, now. I will send her things when I see them, that make me think of her. Or, that we don't want / need - like the electric griddle I sent last year. It was perfect for their family of 5. We never used it. I plan on sending my unused flannel sheets to her just as soon as I can buy more packing tape. That kind of thing. But she called on New Year's Day and wanted to bring over a gift for me. The gift? A book:
The Reason for God: Belief in an Age of Skepticism
Um. Yeah. I wasn't even sure what to say. Well, duh, I said 'thank you', and I just wrote a nice thank you note for it. But...I'm not sure I will actually read the book. I'm not sure I am interested. And, it got me thinking about just how far apart we are in some ways, now that we are in our (sigh) mid-thirties. I don't think I will ever not be friends with this person, but I do not think that we are as close, or as similar, as we once were.And that got me thinking about whether similarity is necessary for close friendship. I've never believed that it is, but I have watched my formerly close relationships drift since we decided not to actively pursue having kids. My relationship with this friend seems strong - we talk every couple of weeks on the phone - but...I'm not sure we are in the same place, viewing our futures in the same way.
The same goes for my other, other half - my college roommate. I haven't talked to her since before Thanksgiving. Where I once would talk to her at least once a day - this was pre-her-kids - now it is months. I told myself it was because she had two young children. Her son is 4 and her daughter is 1. But... Now I am not so sure. And I don't know what to do about it. I'm reluctant to bring it up - as in, 'I miss you' - because I don't want her response to be negative. I don't want to guilt someone into continuing a friendship with me, but... what if the basis for those friendships has shifted? What if we are no longer similar enough to be good friends?
And then what do I do? No kids. A rarity in this town, particularly among people our age, and in our neighborhood, and who we encounter at work. We are like an island of childlessness among these large, growing families.
I think it's actually more awkward because I am a pediatrics person by training. That's my clinical side. I actually know a fair amount about child development, and about kids, and about kids' medical problems. That's what I do, professionally. So to couple that with not having our own kids is...weird...for most people.
Saturday, I had the chance? option? invitation? to attend a "potty party" for a friend's almost-3-year-old. I bailed at the last minute. His little friend was coming over, and I realized I didn't want to be the token childless adult there, forced into awkward conversation with parents about the potty training habits of their children. She actually said, when inviting me, that she thought of me because "You get kids, you get the kid-thing" and I thought "Do I really?"
As usual, I'm not sure where this is going. Just that I am, again, having a hard time finding my way among friendships when kids are involved. Or not. As the case may be.
And, don't even get me STARTED about my husband's ex-wife. Who now has preemie twins. Via donor sperm insemination. Since her husband is OUR MOTHERS' AGE. Good grief. More for another time...
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Blindsided
Oh, my. It's been a long time (again!) since my last post. The end of the semester was insanely busy. I took on more responsibility towards the end for teaching and grading and all sorts of new things for me. More grant applications, more relationships to develop, more things to *think* about. Sometimes my brain hurts from all the thinking. On the plus side, I haven't been bored!
In amongst everything else, there have been holiday-related things. Cards. Visiting my in-laws. A planned visit (starting tomorrow) back east, to see my parents. We got the cards finished - and mailed - by Christmas Eve, which I thought was pretty darn good. We had a lovely low-key visit with my in-laws, which was a first. My brother-in-law flew in, and we really enjoyed ourselves, long and snowy and sort-of-scary car ride up notwithstanding. We're happy to be going to see my family - and happy that it will also be for a short, defined period of time.
And then, in among everything else, I got blindsided. An invitation arrived for my cousin's wife's baby shower. Baby #1. The one I wrote about several months ago - because I was glad that we weren't going to have to be home to face all of the giddiness and questions firsthand.
I sucked it up and RSVP'd 'no' to the baby shower - I truly can't make it. And again, it's one of those things where I am glad that we live so far away. Glad that I have this insanely busy job, that prevents me from going back for a quick weekend visit. Glad that I don't have to face all of this in person.
Then I realized that I had to get them a gift. *sigh* My mother suggested getting something while I'm in town - which, honestly, is a pretty reasonable option. Just in case, though, I decided to check out the baby registry.
It's a boy. No one told me they knew that.
And, good grief. The ... stuff ... they registered for. We never got to that point, obviously. And though I have gotten presents for many babies over the years, I'm not sure I have ever seen another registry this ... big.
And, this seems really stupid, but it's also like there are so many dreams and hopes and wishes tied up in all that stuff. Baby joggers. Bottles. Little t-shirts, and sleep sacks, and blankets. We never got to the dreaming stage.
This is the first time it's been hard for me to look at all that stuff, and figure out what small token we should buy for a new life. Maybe it's because it's the first time it seems real that it will never happen for us.
I've been on edge a bit recently, too. There have been multiple stories of babies and children being abandoned, treated brutally, even killed. Those always hit me hard. Why is it that some lowlife can kill one of her many children in a fit of rage, and we can't have one? And, my best friend from childhood again asked about what we were 'doing' about my infertility. At times I regret having said anything to her - she asks every few months, usually when someone else's children come up in conversation. This time, it was her sister in law, who delivered at home in the woods at age 40, after conceiving her 2nd child without any help whatsoever. Seriously, could I make this stuff up? I wanted to yell into the phone that no, I am not her, and no, it's not going to just 'happen'. But I stayed quiet, and just got off the phone as quickly as possible.
Well, this was rambling. That's what I get for keeping things bottled up, and forgetting I have this as an outlet. I am hoping to make it through this visit back east with minimal inquiries into the state of my uterus and / or ovaries. I am hoping that I can keep it together. And I'll be sure to update again here when we get back.
In amongst everything else, there have been holiday-related things. Cards. Visiting my in-laws. A planned visit (starting tomorrow) back east, to see my parents. We got the cards finished - and mailed - by Christmas Eve, which I thought was pretty darn good. We had a lovely low-key visit with my in-laws, which was a first. My brother-in-law flew in, and we really enjoyed ourselves, long and snowy and sort-of-scary car ride up notwithstanding. We're happy to be going to see my family - and happy that it will also be for a short, defined period of time.
And then, in among everything else, I got blindsided. An invitation arrived for my cousin's wife's baby shower. Baby #1. The one I wrote about several months ago - because I was glad that we weren't going to have to be home to face all of the giddiness and questions firsthand.
I sucked it up and RSVP'd 'no' to the baby shower - I truly can't make it. And again, it's one of those things where I am glad that we live so far away. Glad that I have this insanely busy job, that prevents me from going back for a quick weekend visit. Glad that I don't have to face all of this in person.
Then I realized that I had to get them a gift. *sigh* My mother suggested getting something while I'm in town - which, honestly, is a pretty reasonable option. Just in case, though, I decided to check out the baby registry.
It's a boy. No one told me they knew that.
And, good grief. The ... stuff ... they registered for. We never got to that point, obviously. And though I have gotten presents for many babies over the years, I'm not sure I have ever seen another registry this ... big.
And, this seems really stupid, but it's also like there are so many dreams and hopes and wishes tied up in all that stuff. Baby joggers. Bottles. Little t-shirts, and sleep sacks, and blankets. We never got to the dreaming stage.
This is the first time it's been hard for me to look at all that stuff, and figure out what small token we should buy for a new life. Maybe it's because it's the first time it seems real that it will never happen for us.
I've been on edge a bit recently, too. There have been multiple stories of babies and children being abandoned, treated brutally, even killed. Those always hit me hard. Why is it that some lowlife can kill one of her many children in a fit of rage, and we can't have one? And, my best friend from childhood again asked about what we were 'doing' about my infertility. At times I regret having said anything to her - she asks every few months, usually when someone else's children come up in conversation. This time, it was her sister in law, who delivered at home in the woods at age 40, after conceiving her 2nd child without any help whatsoever. Seriously, could I make this stuff up? I wanted to yell into the phone that no, I am not her, and no, it's not going to just 'happen'. But I stayed quiet, and just got off the phone as quickly as possible.
Well, this was rambling. That's what I get for keeping things bottled up, and forgetting I have this as an outlet. I am hoping to make it through this visit back east with minimal inquiries into the state of my uterus and / or ovaries. I am hoping that I can keep it together. And I'll be sure to update again here when we get back.
Friday, November 19, 2010
My brain is too full...
...and I have not been here nearly enough for everything that has been going on. *sigh*
*Three* months since I last wrote. And I have enough topics in mind to write for a really long time. But I don't have the time to do so right now. Maybe next week, when we are on break at the University, and I might have more than 5 minutes to dedicate to myself and my mental health. Because that is what this blog is about, for me. A safe place to dump the contents of my (usually overflowing) brain, and process what is going on around me.
A smattering of the things I've been thinking about:
More, hopefully, this weekend or early next week. In case anyone's out there. :)
*Three* months since I last wrote. And I have enough topics in mind to write for a really long time. But I don't have the time to do so right now. Maybe next week, when we are on break at the University, and I might have more than 5 minutes to dedicate to myself and my mental health. Because that is what this blog is about, for me. A safe place to dump the contents of my (usually overflowing) brain, and process what is going on around me.
A smattering of the things I've been thinking about:
- The friend who had twins at 25 weeks following donor IUI
- Another 'friend' who had twins at 25 weeks following donor sperm IVF (oh, this one's a doozy)
- Running in to one of our reproductive endocrinologists at a meeting last week
- Hearing the same person's name in another context, and desperately backtracking to find a way to explain how I know of her without revealing how that came to be
- My disdain for people on Twitter and Facebook ... and how I sometimes use the sites as mechanisms to make myself feel better (another doozy)
- A little bit of weight loss - just enough to make me feel like I might be able to lose a little more, but not enough that I feel like I actually accomplished something
- The (@#%(*%* IUD
- The holidays
- Some (extended) family drama
More, hopefully, this weekend or early next week. In case anyone's out there. :)
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Perfect Storm
Wow, this week is really kicking my rear end. It's like a perfect storm of issues/announcements/*things* designed to mess with me.
My husband is home this week, because he is starting a new! job! Monday. A local job. One that does not entail driving 3+ hours one-way and staying away from home Sunday through Thursday nights. It's also going to be pretty challenging for him, which is good. I have learned that, with N, a bored N is a crabby N. And not a lot of fun to live with. So, whew. It worked out quite well - for him, and for the company he'll be working for. Fingers crossed that it goes well once he gets started, too!
So next week will be insane - he starts his job, I start orientation (!!!) for my job, and we're *still* trying to get the basement renovations finished. It's pretty exciting, to be honest.
But this week...oh, this week. It's just one thing after another for me. Nothing huge, but the fact that all of these little things are occurring at about the same time makes for a difficult week for me.
The cramps from hell started on Saturday, heralding the arrival of PMS-week. What fun! I've become resigned to the fact that I will have cramps for a week before the actual arrival of my period, at least while I still have the IUD. Appointment set for next month, so I will bring up my issues then.
Then, my cousin and his wife announced that they are pregnant with their "first child". Sigh. I knew something was up when my husband walked into the kitchen at dinner time, and said "I just got an email from [cousin's wife]." We never, ever get emails from them, so I just knew what it was about. I said "Let me guess, she's pregnant?" and he said yes. Of course, we are happy for them. But it is really hard for me to deal with, too. They got married about 2 months after we started trying to conceive...I remember being at their wedding and not drinking during the reception. I was still in my no-drinking-at-all phase then, thinking it would make a difference in our chances. Another cousin mentioned that I wasn't drinking, and made some comment about how I must be pregnant, or trying to get pregnant. If only. Anyway. Memories. One of the harder things was the way she set up her email - it began with a sentence about how one of the lovely parts of being a member of such a nice - and big-ish - extended family is how wonderful it is to be able to add to that extended family. *sigh, again* All I could think was, you have NO idea how difficult it is to be the member of that extended family who will not be adding to it. I'm sure people wonder. It helps that we are not local, and that we see the whole family rarely-if-ever. The other hard part is that this is the cousin who is the next youngest, after me. And, oddly, I think that all of the cousins so far have had kids in age order, if that makes sense. So the oldest cousin was the first, then the next in line, and on down to me. Where things came to a screeching halt. So I have officially been skipped now, which is painfully obvious to me. One of the congratulatory reply-all emails (from another cousin) mentioned the "long time" since there was a new baby in the family. I'm sure it wasn't a barb directed at me...but it was still hard to read.
Bright side? We won't see them while she is pregnant. We won't see any of the family, actually, except for my parents and brother's family. One good thing about living where we do - and I knew that before. It's just that it was brought home to me by this announcement.
Then...oh, goodness. I can't think of what was next. A series of small annoyances - idiots at the grocery store; the person who cuts my hair kind of spacing out during the cut while she told me this horror story about her dog being hit by a car. Terrible, terrible story - the dog is fine, by the way. But I didn't really get the hair cut that I wanted. A phone conversation with my best friend from childhood, in which she talked for an hour straight about her new job, their trip to see some family members, the kids' swimming lessons, etc. etc. etc. Then, at the tail end of the phone call, she asked (in a rather perfunctory way) what we were up to. Feeling like your life is not as important/full/interesting as others' lives is never a good feeling. Yesterday, I took the dog to get his nails trimmed and found that the groomer was having "personal problems" and wasn't in yet, even though I'd gone an hour after they were supposed to get in. Someone tried to clip his nails, but he wasn't a pro, and while he didn't hurt the dog, he did not do a great job. And my parents are coming in for the weekend - and their flight is already delayed almost 2 hours this morning.
It's just a week that started badly with the pregnancy announcement, and the PMS and cramps, and so every little thing that happened seemed bigger than it really was. I recognize this - and I knew it was going to be a stressful week. I just need to push through to get to the other side. Writing it all out here helps, since I know no one with a connection to any of these stories will read them.
My husband is home this week, because he is starting a new! job! Monday. A local job. One that does not entail driving 3+ hours one-way and staying away from home Sunday through Thursday nights. It's also going to be pretty challenging for him, which is good. I have learned that, with N, a bored N is a crabby N. And not a lot of fun to live with. So, whew. It worked out quite well - for him, and for the company he'll be working for. Fingers crossed that it goes well once he gets started, too!
So next week will be insane - he starts his job, I start orientation (!!!) for my job, and we're *still* trying to get the basement renovations finished. It's pretty exciting, to be honest.
But this week...oh, this week. It's just one thing after another for me. Nothing huge, but the fact that all of these little things are occurring at about the same time makes for a difficult week for me.
The cramps from hell started on Saturday, heralding the arrival of PMS-week. What fun! I've become resigned to the fact that I will have cramps for a week before the actual arrival of my period, at least while I still have the IUD. Appointment set for next month, so I will bring up my issues then.
Then, my cousin and his wife announced that they are pregnant with their "first child". Sigh. I knew something was up when my husband walked into the kitchen at dinner time, and said "I just got an email from [cousin's wife]." We never, ever get emails from them, so I just knew what it was about. I said "Let me guess, she's pregnant?" and he said yes. Of course, we are happy for them. But it is really hard for me to deal with, too. They got married about 2 months after we started trying to conceive...I remember being at their wedding and not drinking during the reception. I was still in my no-drinking-at-all phase then, thinking it would make a difference in our chances. Another cousin mentioned that I wasn't drinking, and made some comment about how I must be pregnant, or trying to get pregnant. If only. Anyway. Memories. One of the harder things was the way she set up her email - it began with a sentence about how one of the lovely parts of being a member of such a nice - and big-ish - extended family is how wonderful it is to be able to add to that extended family. *sigh, again* All I could think was, you have NO idea how difficult it is to be the member of that extended family who will not be adding to it. I'm sure people wonder. It helps that we are not local, and that we see the whole family rarely-if-ever. The other hard part is that this is the cousin who is the next youngest, after me. And, oddly, I think that all of the cousins so far have had kids in age order, if that makes sense. So the oldest cousin was the first, then the next in line, and on down to me. Where things came to a screeching halt. So I have officially been skipped now, which is painfully obvious to me. One of the congratulatory reply-all emails (from another cousin) mentioned the "long time" since there was a new baby in the family. I'm sure it wasn't a barb directed at me...but it was still hard to read.
Bright side? We won't see them while she is pregnant. We won't see any of the family, actually, except for my parents and brother's family. One good thing about living where we do - and I knew that before. It's just that it was brought home to me by this announcement.
Then...oh, goodness. I can't think of what was next. A series of small annoyances - idiots at the grocery store; the person who cuts my hair kind of spacing out during the cut while she told me this horror story about her dog being hit by a car. Terrible, terrible story - the dog is fine, by the way. But I didn't really get the hair cut that I wanted. A phone conversation with my best friend from childhood, in which she talked for an hour straight about her new job, their trip to see some family members, the kids' swimming lessons, etc. etc. etc. Then, at the tail end of the phone call, she asked (in a rather perfunctory way) what we were up to. Feeling like your life is not as important/full/interesting as others' lives is never a good feeling. Yesterday, I took the dog to get his nails trimmed and found that the groomer was having "personal problems" and wasn't in yet, even though I'd gone an hour after they were supposed to get in. Someone tried to clip his nails, but he wasn't a pro, and while he didn't hurt the dog, he did not do a great job. And my parents are coming in for the weekend - and their flight is already delayed almost 2 hours this morning.
It's just a week that started badly with the pregnancy announcement, and the PMS and cramps, and so every little thing that happened seemed bigger than it really was. I recognize this - and I knew it was going to be a stressful week. I just need to push through to get to the other side. Writing it all out here helps, since I know no one with a connection to any of these stories will read them.
Friday, August 6, 2010
Lazy? Not so much.
Well, that last post was a bit of a downer. Sheesh. I do have a terrible body image. I know this. I do have a difficult time figuring out what clothing looks good on my body. And I do obsess over trying to lose weight and burn enough calories every day.
On the other hand, I know I am quite good at what I do in my job. I can be funny when necessary. And I can even be social, if the occasion calls for it. (Fortunately, it doesn't call for it very often...) I am pretty darn happy in my life - which is busier and busier, the more responsibility I take on.
I start my new job in less! than! 2! weeks! This is not really a *change* for me - I will be staying at the same institution, but will be making the transition from a post doc to a faculty position. So I will have to go to more meetings. I will have to interact with more people. I will have to make BIG decisions about what grants to apply for, and who to collaborate with, and how to spend my time. I will have to teach. (*gulp*) But I am so excited about being a real person, with a real job. After all the bouncing around I did in my 20s, and all the difficult decisions we made in the last 6 years...I finally feel like this is it. This (with a few minor tweaks) is what I am meant to be doing.
And yet...sometimes I (still) wish that I could build a bit more down time into my schedule. I feel like I always need to be doing-doing-doing. My husband is better at relaxing...at tuning out...at dinking...than I will ever be. I worry that I will not be able to balance the demands of my new job with my need for a mental (and physical) break.
Fortunately, my parents are coming to visit next week! I'm so excited - they were last here the December that I graduated. It was 20 degrees (+20, though, which is something) and it was snowing. This visit, it will be at least 80, and definitely *not* snowing. I hope to actually take a BREAK while they are here. I'll let you know how it goes. ;)
On the other hand, I know I am quite good at what I do in my job. I can be funny when necessary. And I can even be social, if the occasion calls for it. (Fortunately, it doesn't call for it very often...) I am pretty darn happy in my life - which is busier and busier, the more responsibility I take on.
I start my new job in less! than! 2! weeks! This is not really a *change* for me - I will be staying at the same institution, but will be making the transition from a post doc to a faculty position. So I will have to go to more meetings. I will have to interact with more people. I will have to make BIG decisions about what grants to apply for, and who to collaborate with, and how to spend my time. I will have to teach. (*gulp*) But I am so excited about being a real person, with a real job. After all the bouncing around I did in my 20s, and all the difficult decisions we made in the last 6 years...I finally feel like this is it. This (with a few minor tweaks) is what I am meant to be doing.
And yet...sometimes I (still) wish that I could build a bit more down time into my schedule. I feel like I always need to be doing-doing-doing. My husband is better at relaxing...at tuning out...at dinking...than I will ever be. I worry that I will not be able to balance the demands of my new job with my need for a mental (and physical) break.
Fortunately, my parents are coming to visit next week! I'm so excited - they were last here the December that I graduated. It was 20 degrees (+20, though, which is something) and it was snowing. This visit, it will be at least 80, and definitely *not* snowing. I hope to actually take a BREAK while they are here. I'll let you know how it goes. ;)
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