Conveniently forgetting

I have a tendency to conveniently forget those things that make me uncomfortable or sad, if possible. I guess I'm more of a conflict-avoider than I knew... Funny how life helps you learn more things about yourself, even when you think you know it all.

Anyway, I wrote about how my college roommate flaked on me and went out of town when I was *in* her town, with a primary purpose of seeing her and another friend. She (the college roommate, not the other friend) had baby #2 in late August, and I was so looking forward to seeing her for the first time in over a year, meeting baby #2, and seeing how kiddo #1 (because he really is not a baby) had grown. I set up my visit as far in advance as possible - knowing that I might not have another visit to their area for a while. I looked back (because I am that way) and found that I had emailed her the information for my visit in July. As in, dates. And she was still pregnant. And she told me she put it on the calendar.

Fast forward a few months to a week or so before my planned visit, when I emailed her and my other friends to finalize plans. And she emailed back that she hoped I meant that I was coming that weekend, not the *next*, as they had made plans to go see her grandmother in two weeks, since she hadn't yet met the baby. I was floored. No, I wrote back, I was traveling in two weeks, not one, and I wasn't able to change my plans since, you know, I'd made plane reservations three *months* before. Could they possibly leave a little later on their planned departure day (my planed arrival day) so I could see them for a few hours?

Oh, she wrote back. Well, they couldn't change their plans. Too bad.

I didn't even write back. I couldn't find the words. I knew she was juggling two kids, and maternity leave from work, and whoknowswhatelse. But still. We've been as close as sisters for 16 years now, and she finks out on seeing me for the only time all *year*?

I went on the trip, and I saw other friends. I played with their kids, caught up with them, and thoroughly enjoyed myself. But I was so sad, knowing that I was within an hour of my roommate's house for the first time in so long, and knowing that I wouldn't be seeing her.

And then I didn't call her for over two months. She never called me - balancing home and work and a new nanny and a household is likely enough to keep anyone busy. And I was still hurting.

I finally caved earlier this week. It's the Christmas season, I figured. I should call and set things right, even if I just called to talk about normal things. So I gathered up my courage and hit the right number on my phone. And got...not her voice mail. Definitely not her voice mail. Hip hop music and a message in Spanish? Definitely not.

This sent me into another spiral. Did she change her number and not tell me? Did something awful happen and no one tell me? It's amazing, I'll say, where the mind goes when it doesn't have enough information to draw a reasonable conclusion. I talk to my patient, loving husband, who suggests that I send her an email. Maybe I can get in touch with her that way.

I sent the email, and waited. Not long, as it turned out. Hi!, she wrote. We discontinued my personal cell phone since I have one for work, and I have too many devices as it is.

She called while I was on the phone with a prospective employer. I called her back and we talked about everyday things. My husband's new job. How big her baby is getting. How the nanny is working out. No mention of the fact that we hadn't talked for two months. No discussion of what had transpired during those two months. So I don't know what to think. I've decided that I have too many other things to think about right now, to devote any time to figuring out the nuances of this relationship. I'm glad to be talking to her again. I'm ignoring the fact that this relationship may have changed irreparably in the last few months. And yet, I think (don't we all?) that maybe *she* thinks that our child-free life is so different from hers, that my life trajectory has deviated so much from the traditional path, that maybe we cannot continue to be such good friends as we were.

One of the unexpected pieces of living a child-free life, not by choice, is how often the *issues* pop up in my everyday life. A day does not go by that I don't realize the impact of these choices on every aspect of my life. Someone makes a comment....I talk to a friend after a long silence....a phone message from another friend makes me think that her attempts to get pregnant with donor sperm (she is single, without a partner) have finally been successful....friends who had a baby in November post pictures of their adorable newborn on FB. It just....slaps me in the face nearly every day. And yet, on the surface, I am moving through my life - my husband and I, together. He has taken his new job. I am talking to people about jobs for next year, exploring all my options and not just those with good school districts. But underneath, I am the woman who can't have a child and who is not willing to risk her emotional and physical health to pursue all interventions necessary to correct that fact.

Backup

I should write here more often, and about more topics, but sometimes life gets in the way. When that happens, I wind up with a backed-up brain, full of things that I need to talk about, but which pile up when I'm away from this space for a prolonged period of time.

Things have been good, overall, but there have also been some issues that have been niggling at me for a while...Among them (and potential fodder for future blog posts - hopefully this week, although I'm not holding my breath): the fact that I haven't talked to my best friend in nearly 2 months; my disclosure of our infertility issues to my other best friend in early November, and the outcome of that; a new job for my husband that will require 4 days a week in a city about 200 miles away (=4 nights alone for me each week); needing to decide what my top options are for my *next* job search (didn't I just finish the last one?); and, finally, my continuing thoughts on what it is like to live as a childless couple.

I hope have more time to write this week. I just had another article accepted for publication, this one in a journal that is important in my field (yay!!!) and I am still working through the third dissertation paper. I have so many ideas bouncing around in my head that I am having trouble keeping track of them all. Professionally, I feel like I am starting to hit my stride. Personally, I feel like I have been keeping multiple balls in the air, and I'm worried they are going to start crashing down around me.

Inadvertant radio silence

I didn't intend to step away from here for almost a month...In fact, this was a month during which I probably should have written more often. But it's been busy, and I've been stressed, and finding the time to put my thoughts and feelings on screen, as it were, seemed an insurmountable difficulty.

I had a fantastic time visiting family and friends during my trip back East. With...one exception. I will probably write a whole 'nother post talking about how my college roommate completely flaked out on me and went to visit a family member, thereby scuttling my plans to visit her and her family (including a new baby). I was, and still am, very upset about that. But that's fodder for a different post.

Visiting my family was also difficult because it was the first time I'd seen some of these friends since we decided not to go any further down the IVF/infertility route. And, as luck would have it, two of them have new babies. One has twins. I know that those twins were conceived with the help of some ovulation stimulation and IUI...but it still doesn't make it any easier for me, for some reason.

We've made a point of not telling very many people much about our difficulties...and several of those that we told about our problems (mostly around the time of my surgery last year), we have not gone on to tell about our decision to step off infertility road. That, to me, is a more personal decision than the whole "we're having difficulty but we're trying different things". I mean, you can be vague about that. It's difficult to be vague about "we've decided to stop all of the interventions". And even then? I hedge. I hedge a lot.

I'm rambling. Anyway. Two of three friends know nothing of our issues. The third (sister to one of the other two; I know, confusing) I told of our problems on this visit. I had not told her anything, despite the fact that I have known her so long that I can't remember NOT knowing her. She's that kind of long-term friend. Part of my difficulty was that she has managed to get pregnant - and stay pregnant - at the drop of a hat. They have three children and are pondering #4. It's not that I begrudge her her ability to conceive...it's just that it's really hard to talk about this sort of thing with someone who has no idea where you are coming from. She and my sister in law are pretty similar - people who decided (with their husbands, of course) "Okay, time to have a baby!"; went off birth control; and got pregnant the next month. I'm not even kidding. It happened to my SIL for both of her pregnancies.

She was shocked, I think, to hear of all we had been through. She brought it up , too. I guess it shows how connected we are. Just as I was thinking (on the way back to her house from visiting one of the other friends) that I needed to bring this up (it was a goal of mine for this trip), she asked whether we had thought any more about having kids. (I had told her, hm, maybe 2 years ago? that it was something we were talking about...that was, of course, before we found out that I'm defective in some unknown way.) Anyway, she was shocked, and being a physician, and the daughter of an OB/Gyn, she tried to think of all sorts of alternatives that maybe we hadn't considered. Except, of course, we had considered them. Then we got into the adoption/foster care debate, so I told her my feelings on that. It was a long and draining conversation. I was glad I told her, but after that? I really needed time alone. And I didn't really get it. It was psychologically exhausting for me.

Later in the week I met up for dinner with a friend who is pregnant after 1 IVF (covered entirely by insurance...lucky duck) and another friend who also got pregnant the first month she tried. They know that we have stopped all intervention...but they are convinced that "someday" we will be parents. So as good as it was to see them, it was ALSO exhausting for me.

I find that I don't want to say "NO, we're DONE. This is IT." In part, maybe, because I'm not ready to go there in my own head. But I think the other part of it is not wanting to hurt the person I am talking to. So I spent a lot of the week hedging; answering questions with "Well, we'll see" and "I guess we might feel differently at some point in the future". But really? I think we're past that. As much as I have wanted a child - it's not going to happen for us. We deal with that every.single.day. Every birth announcement on g-d FB. Every picture of every kid that is posted. Every time someone posts that you never know *real* happiness until you're a parent. Every time someone says that you never know *real* fatigue until you have a child. Every.single.day. In so many different ways. These friends? It's not staring them in the face all.the.time. They go back to their normal lives - to their families. We come home to a house that will never have children. As sad and bitter as I am about that, we live with it every day. That blunts - or numbs - the pain, at least for me. But it doesn't mean that I'm not sad when I get my period. It doesn't mean that I'm not torn up that I can't get pregnant - that I'm not mad when my mother tells me about a 22 year old having her third baby. But for us? It's an ongoing thing. For my friends? It's something they think about when I am there with them, and when I talk about it.

I was going to talk about our career decisions, but this post has turned into a longer rant than planned. More on that in another post.

I love...

...coming home again after much too long a trip
...having a sort-of-lazy yet productive weekend
...my guys (human and canine)
...the feeling of finishing a half-marathon! twice in the last 2 weekends!
...breaking my PR in the 2nd half-marathon! (of course, since the first was my first...but I still cut 10 minutes off my time!)
...FALL! leaves changing, sunshine, blue skies
...thinking about the possibilities
...when my husband cooks his chili for dinner
...those crescent rolls in a tube (mmm...)
...crossing things off my to-do list
...friends' new babies
...smiley 6-month-olds

(I just feel like I have been too negative recently...will be rehashing everything from my trip soon, but it's just so good to be home and in my routine, I had to write this first.)

Re-Entry

Well, re-entry was as difficult as I thought it might be. We had a lovely time at the wedding - helped by the fact that we spent very little time with my in-laws, and the time we did spend with them was in a larger group.

My husband had a realization recently - maybe it was last night? Anyway, I was asking when he wanted to go visit his parents, and he said that he doesn't think they look forward to/anticipate our visits. I like to think that we're not bad houseguests - we TRY to clean up after ourselves, and sometimes even throw ourselves bodily in front of the sink to clean up our own dishes. We don't hog the bathroom (they only have one), as far as I can tell. We eat what they want to eat (even when it gives us stomachaches). It's just...I don't get that vibe that they look forward to our visits. I dunno...they also won't come visit us and stay overnight, so maybe it's just them?

Anywho...all this to say that being with them can sometimes be difficult and draining. I find it hardest not knowing when the latest drama will erupt...and what the carnage will be. Most of the time? I'm completely oblivious to whatever it is that sets them off.

I got totally off track there, so anyway... this trip was lovely in that we were able to spend time off! together! in a fun place! Why, it was almost...a vacation (shh, don't tell). The wedding was in wine country, so we toured a few vineyards, and saw some exhibits, and enjoyed the scenery and the people watching. We stayed at a fancy resort (courtesy of my brother-in-law and now-sister-in-law) that had fancy things I've never seen before, outside of movies. You know, the fancy bathrobes? The slippers? The toiletries that you can't take home - but you can *buy* them if your little heart desires it? We reveled in the luxury of it all, extremely grateful to my brother in law that their generosity allowed us to stay there. The thank you note has been purchased and will be in the mail tomorrow, if I have anything to say about it.

The wedding itself made me think about our wedding. While I loved our wedding - it was very traditional, with a few non-traditional quirks - I would do it completely differently now. Completely. As in, I would strongly suggest that we elope. This was a small wedding - about as small as you can have without either a) limiting it to immediate family only, or b) eloping. It was also non (a?)religious.

I haven't talked about this much on this blog- and probably won't get into it in this post - but I have essentially lost any faith that I might have had up to this point. Big time. I have always had a hard time with overtly evangelical "crusaders", but up til now? I always had some form of faith. Now? Not so much. Is it too much time in science? Too much time thinking? Too much time without the touchstone of a regular church? Too...well, I don't know. I'll come back to that some other day. But I really enjoyed the fact that this was essentially a civil ceremony. There was no singing. There was no praying. There was no praising of some higher power for bringing these two together. (Of course, in their case? that would be the internets...) I really enjoyed that part of it - it was very freeing for me.

It made me a little sad that the wedding we had was - in hindsight - probably more for my mother than it was for me. But it made her happy - it made me happy, at the time - and that is all I can really ask for. Hindsight really is 20/20.

ANYway, I keep getting off track. Lovely wedding, lovely people. I had an introvert moment on Friday evening, when I excused myself from the late-night bar gathering in favor of a trashy magazine in bed. Talking to people...interacting with people...getting to KNOW people...can completely exhaust me. N and I are both introverts - but he does better in these kinds of situations. I do better when I am with a group of people I know well. But this was...tiring. So I took my time, and I was the better for it.

Re-entry into our regular lives has been rough. The dog was completely off his schedule. The house was fine - but there was the mail and the general travel detritus to go through. We finally got the house organized this past weekend, and I realized that next week? I leave for a week out East. So it won't last long.

Overall? I suppose the drama was less overt than I was expecting, although there were the typical weirdnesses along the way. I'm ever so grateful to have my husband - even though my in-laws come as a package deal with him. Really, though - we haven't traveled alone together since our honeymoon, and it was nice to know that my/our enjoyment of that week was not just a one-off. We really do travel well together. So it'd be nice if we could get a smidge more vacation time, so we could practice a little more.

Messy

My brain is a mess recently...Trying to work through issues related to the age old question of what DO I want to study now...still coming to terms with the whole infertility thing...going to my brother in law's wedding this weekend...my father having vague symptoms that don't seem to connect to anything but that make me think the worst (of course)...

Sometimes it is very tiring being in my brain.

And then, when the thoughts cross? Watch out.

I'm grateful we don't have kids because I don't know what kind of mother I would be right now. I'm angry at the pregnant women I see smoking on the edges of hospital property, because *I* would do a better job while pregnant. Nearly every time I have a twinge pre-period, I wonder whether I got pregnant against all odds. I am looking forward to getting away this week - but not to the work that awaits when we return, or the dysfunctionality (is that a word?) that my in-laws bring to each family gathering. I know what I want to study, but I'm having a hard time articulating it. I'm anxious about the tenure track, and I'm not even on it! I worry about my parents getting sick and living 1000 miles away. And on and on and on...

Sometimes I just want to turn my brain off. I'm grateful that these thoughts don't keep me up at night, but sometimes they keep me from being very productive during the day. Perhaps writing about them more would help? I suppose that is one reason I have this blog - to work through some of these conflicting and consuming thoughts. I don't feel disorganized - my to-do list is up-to-date and detailed - but at times I feel like I am going to lose all the threads of my life if I don't keepupkeepupkeepup...

I hope that this trip helps calm me down a bit... I want to enjoy it, but of course I am taking my computer. *sigh* All those years of never being really disconnected from it all...I think they are still influencing how I go about doing things.

Time to rewrite my to-do list. Time to clear my head. Time to get away for a bit.

Self-Pity

AKA, Happy Birthday to Me.

I had one of the best birthdays I've had in a long time on Saturday...just me and N and the dog. We went to lunch (and drank wine!), we took a drive, we took the dog to the d-o-g-p-a-r-k.

But the only people who called were my parents and my brother. Not my best-friend-from-forever, not my college roommate (otherwise known as my other half, or the female version of my husband)...and I went into a major MAJOR sulk. I just felt...ignored. And I wondered whether the distance (they each live about 1200 miles away) between us was getting in the way of our friendships. N was sympathetic, but I just needed to wallow. So I did. And I felt badly that I had ended this perfect birthday that way.

Friend one (we have known each other since before we can remember) called Sunday. Her sisters had been visiting, with their spouses/spouses-to-be, and there were new babies and talks of weddings, and she hadn't been able to call until they left and the kids went down for naps. I forgave her, obviously. Duh.

Friend two called this morning at 0630 our time. She had her second baby at 0300 today (well, 0259, if we're going to be picky about these things) and was calling to say happy belated birthday and hey, look! You have a new honorary niece! and I forgave her, obviously. Duh.

I wonder why I feel the need to fuss about WHEN they call. After all, isn't it more important that they DID call, and they DID remember, not that they called a day or so after my birthday? I am not the most important thing in their lives...but they still love me and want me to be happy.

I don't know where I am going with this, just that I hope a) I am a little less self-centered about this kind of thing the next time it happens, b) I don't ruin the next birthday with a pity party, and c) I do a much much MUCH better job of remembering other peoples' birthdays.

On a side note, it was the coldest birthday I can remember. I had to wear long sleeves, and jeans! Usually I am in shorts and a t-shirt. It was just a lovely, lovely day. I am so lucky.