I never know what is going to set me off re: not being able to get pregnant. I thought I was doing pretty well - last night, watching TV, I even commented on how cute a contestant on America's Got Talent was, without the pang of "I'll never have a cute child of my own" that I typically get. And I thought to myself - wow! You're doing pretty well! Maybe you're over it.
Yeah, um, no. This morning, I saw in FB that a friend had registered for her first baby. She's due in October, and there is a big family shower coming up at some point. I looked up the registry, to see if there was something we'd want to get for them. And that? That simple action? Nearly sent me over the deep end.
There were all the little things that I'd dreamed of getting someday - the Boppy, the changing table cover, the strollers and car seats. Instead, I'll be buying them for my friends as they have their first, second, and sometimes third babies. I'll never be the one who picks out the fun Boppy cover. I don't have to worry about which bottles are BPA free. I don't have to have my husband research car seats to determine which is the safest.
So I'm not over it. Not by a long shot.
Even better, since I'm feeling so crappy about this, we get to go to a family wedding next weekend! Full of extended family members! Who we see about once a year! Who will certainly notice that I am not pregnant! Gee, doesn't that sound like fun? And THEN, for good measure, I get to spend a week with my family, but not my husband.
And I just know - I KNOW - that pregnancy, babies, etc. will come up, somehow, at some point, during that week. The way I'm feeling now, I'm not sure how I am going to react. My brother and s-i-l don't even know that we gave up - only my parents and a few close friends do.
I'm also feeling guilty because my husband has next to NO vacation time - thanks, draconian company policy! - so he does not get to go on "vacation" with my family. Granted, we are going to his brother's wedding in September...but I still feel guilty that I will be gone for an entire week. Leaving him with the dog and the house and work. I'm going to take my computer - I will need to do some work while gone - but that is not making me feel much better. I am very good at the guilt thing - but not good at letting go of it.
Gee, it's going to be a fun day!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Brr
I know I shouldn't complain - but good grief, it's been COLD here in the mornings, the last week or so. I should be reveling in the low humidity, the joy of running outside, the fact that we don't have to put the a/c on...and instead I'm sitting here shivering. Brr.
I'm also worried that this will either result in an unseasonably hot October, or else a really effing cold winter.
Nothing like living in farm country to make you obsess about the weather. My favorite feature in our local paper is the accounting of how many "good" days farmers had the previous week, in terms of sunshine, rainfall, etc.
I'll just say that running in shorts at 55 degrees is a bit chilly, and leave it at that.
I'm also worried that this will either result in an unseasonably hot October, or else a really effing cold winter.
Nothing like living in farm country to make you obsess about the weather. My favorite feature in our local paper is the accounting of how many "good" days farmers had the previous week, in terms of sunshine, rainfall, etc.
I'll just say that running in shorts at 55 degrees is a bit chilly, and leave it at that.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
2nd 5k of the season
Alas, my "Beef Days" 5k shirt does not have a cow on it...but I am amused by the fact that it was sponsored by one of the local funeral homes. Heh.
I had a personal best time in this one - yippee! Under 28 minutes. I need to train at that pace for the half marathon in October, so it was a very good run.
While I was there, my fantastic husband hit the farmers market and picked up our CSA, some extra veggies, and the BEST cookies I have tasted in a long time. Thank goodness we live near the Amish...they can beat anyone in cooking!
We have a relaxing yet fun weekend...cookout at the neighbors' tonight, hoping to go to the dog park, and enjoying the coolest July temperatures in decades. I'm contemplating putting on a sweatshirt...brr...
I had a personal best time in this one - yippee! Under 28 minutes. I need to train at that pace for the half marathon in October, so it was a very good run.
While I was there, my fantastic husband hit the farmers market and picked up our CSA, some extra veggies, and the BEST cookies I have tasted in a long time. Thank goodness we live near the Amish...they can beat anyone in cooking!
We have a relaxing yet fun weekend...cookout at the neighbors' tonight, hoping to go to the dog park, and enjoying the coolest July temperatures in decades. I'm contemplating putting on a sweatshirt...brr...
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Mental
Had lunch with a friend who is pregnant the other day...it is always fun to catch up with her, as she is one of the funniest - and most insightful - people I know. Spending a few hours with her always helps reset me in some way.
She is due in October, and is kind of over the whole pregnancy thing. And yet, they'd been trying for over two years when she finally got pregnant - so she is feeling guilty about not loving every.single.minute of her pregnancy.
And that got me thinking - about our current status of NOT trying, and learning to be okay with that. This past weekend was spent with good friends - and multiple small children. It was lovely - it's so much fun to meet the new babies (there are 3-4 every year, it seems), and see how the older kids have grown, and learn what everyone has been up to. But this year, N and I decided that we would just do what we wanted to do, and really try to enjoy ourselves. Since we're not getting a big vacation together this year, we thought of this as our mini vacation.
And boy, did we have a GREAT time. We visited a place I'd wanted to see for years. Found a cave that we didn't know existed - and had a fantastic hour-long tour there (220 feet below the surface! rock formations! stalactites!). And then found a new place for lunch, where we relaxed, had a glass of wine, and enjoyed each others' company and the gorgeous view. At one point, N looked at me, raised his glass, and said "You know, there are perks", and I knew just what he meant. We had left our friends and the multitude of children behind - it was quiet, and peaceful, and so much fun to spend time with each other.
So why do I feel guilty for enjoying our child-free state? There were times last week - when I still thought I could be pregnant - that I actually had negative thoughts about possibly being pregnant. It's almost like my brain has finally accepted that this is not going to happen for us - and it's moved on to making sure I enjoy our life as it is. So I don't think I should feel guilty...but sometimes I do.
From an outsider's perspective, I imagine we seem rather self-indulgent. We don't have college savings accounts (although, quite frankly, since my earning power is rather reduced at the moment, we barely have a regular savings account). We don't have to work our schedules around small people. I can choose which day - and time! - I am going to do particular chores, and those choices aren't derailed by a cranky or sick child. The one variable in our lives is the dog - and quite frankly, he's the best.dog.ever.
I'm not sure whether the guilt is a vehicle for helping me realize that I can make an impact in some way - even if we *don't* have children? Or whether it's guilt imposed by society in some way - that we are expected to have children, and if we don't, we're not contributing? So it's a weird struggle - trying to accept that we are not going to have children, at least at this point, then feeling guilty about enjoying our child-free life.
She is due in October, and is kind of over the whole pregnancy thing. And yet, they'd been trying for over two years when she finally got pregnant - so she is feeling guilty about not loving every.single.minute of her pregnancy.
And that got me thinking - about our current status of NOT trying, and learning to be okay with that. This past weekend was spent with good friends - and multiple small children. It was lovely - it's so much fun to meet the new babies (there are 3-4 every year, it seems), and see how the older kids have grown, and learn what everyone has been up to. But this year, N and I decided that we would just do what we wanted to do, and really try to enjoy ourselves. Since we're not getting a big vacation together this year, we thought of this as our mini vacation.
And boy, did we have a GREAT time. We visited a place I'd wanted to see for years. Found a cave that we didn't know existed - and had a fantastic hour-long tour there (220 feet below the surface! rock formations! stalactites!). And then found a new place for lunch, where we relaxed, had a glass of wine, and enjoyed each others' company and the gorgeous view. At one point, N looked at me, raised his glass, and said "You know, there are perks", and I knew just what he meant. We had left our friends and the multitude of children behind - it was quiet, and peaceful, and so much fun to spend time with each other.
So why do I feel guilty for enjoying our child-free state? There were times last week - when I still thought I could be pregnant - that I actually had negative thoughts about possibly being pregnant. It's almost like my brain has finally accepted that this is not going to happen for us - and it's moved on to making sure I enjoy our life as it is. So I don't think I should feel guilty...but sometimes I do.
From an outsider's perspective, I imagine we seem rather self-indulgent. We don't have college savings accounts (although, quite frankly, since my earning power is rather reduced at the moment, we barely have a regular savings account). We don't have to work our schedules around small people. I can choose which day - and time! - I am going to do particular chores, and those choices aren't derailed by a cranky or sick child. The one variable in our lives is the dog - and quite frankly, he's the best.dog.ever.
I'm not sure whether the guilt is a vehicle for helping me realize that I can make an impact in some way - even if we *don't* have children? Or whether it's guilt imposed by society in some way - that we are expected to have children, and if we don't, we're not contributing? So it's a weird struggle - trying to accept that we are not going to have children, at least at this point, then feeling guilty about enjoying our child-free life.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Roller-coastery
It's amazing to me, sometimes, how different interactions and/or events can change my mood, and switch a normal, boring Wednesday (get up, exercise, clean bathrooms, wash towels, water plants, shower, start work...) into a really good day.
Usually, these are things that are external to me - an email from a colleague who has good things to say about a manuscript we are working on; a cheerful email from my parents discussing good things happening in the lives of family friends; even just the sunshine and nice breeze after a cloudy and strange day, weather-wise, yesterday.
And it makes me wonder...I've always thought that I was in charge of my own happiness. That I didn't need to depend on others to make me a good, happy, and productive person. I still believe that. But it's very strange to me that others' actions can have such a profound effect on my mood. It's not that I was in a BAD mood before I got these emails this morning. It's just that now I'm in a smile-at-the-wall kind of mood.
Off to take advantage of my emotional boost and need for productivity today...
Usually, these are things that are external to me - an email from a colleague who has good things to say about a manuscript we are working on; a cheerful email from my parents discussing good things happening in the lives of family friends; even just the sunshine and nice breeze after a cloudy and strange day, weather-wise, yesterday.
And it makes me wonder...I've always thought that I was in charge of my own happiness. That I didn't need to depend on others to make me a good, happy, and productive person. I still believe that. But it's very strange to me that others' actions can have such a profound effect on my mood. It's not that I was in a BAD mood before I got these emails this morning. It's just that now I'm in a smile-at-the-wall kind of mood.
Off to take advantage of my emotional boost and need for productivity today...
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
I'm getting old and grumpy
No, seriously. I think I am. When circumstances and situations converge in a particular way, I am definitely old and grumpy. *sigh* I knew the gray hair didn't bode well...
See, we were at my husband's college for a reunion with a bunch of his friends this weekend. It takes place every summer - and for 3 of the past 4 years, we've gathered at their alma mater. Although prices have gone up in just that short period of time, it's still relatively cheap, there are lots of things to occupy all of the families, and we get to hang out for a couple of days in one of the most beautiful places I've seen.
We were stuck in a traditional dorm again this year, which makes it hard to hang out. There are townhouse-style dorms that make the hanging-out easier. We're going to try to get those again next year -we keep getting bumped for other groups. N and I are in charge of the 2010 get-together, so we'll see how we do. Anyway, being stuck in the dorm = free tickets for breakfast in the cafeteria. Hey, free food! Even if it IS cafeteria food. I mean, how bad can it be?
N and I skipped out on Saturday and went to a local place for a killer sweet roll. But Sunday we joined the rest of the crowd in the caf. It was, not surprisingly, one of the most carb-heavy meals I've had in a long time. Would it kill them to have some hard-boiled eggs, cheese, or non-French Toast options? But I digress....
We were there early (as we are childless, and therefore move faster than the rest of the group). Sat at a table for 8, thinking that others could join us as they drifted in. And we were close to some empty tables, so that could work out nicely. Until a family of 5, there for a church group thing (aka, Super-Christians, as N and I call them), just plunked themselves down at our table. They didn't ask, they didn't even gesture and raise eyebrows while pointing at the empty seats. Nope - just plunked down and made themselves at home. Not a word to us. Yay, Super-Christians. Way to be...super-annoying and super-self-involved. Sheesh.
So we got up and waited for friends to navigate the lines with their two small children. While waiting, I saw a young girl - there for a different Super-Christian camp thingie. She was wearing those cotton short-shorts that all teenage girls seem to wear now? You know, with the writing on the rear? Except, instead of saying "Juicy!" or "Hot!" or whatever stupid thing is typically written on there...hers said "SPATULA". Yes, a kitchen tool. On her tush. What on earth is up with that??? And of COURSE no one else saw it. But I swear, it was there.
See, I'm getting old and grumpy.
Fortunately we had a lovely weekend with friends, got to catch up with people we only see once or twice a year, and were never asked point-blank when we're going to start popping out some kids. Whew. Bullet dodged. And more on that later. I need to go be grumpy and do some actual work.
See, we were at my husband's college for a reunion with a bunch of his friends this weekend. It takes place every summer - and for 3 of the past 4 years, we've gathered at their alma mater. Although prices have gone up in just that short period of time, it's still relatively cheap, there are lots of things to occupy all of the families, and we get to hang out for a couple of days in one of the most beautiful places I've seen.
We were stuck in a traditional dorm again this year, which makes it hard to hang out. There are townhouse-style dorms that make the hanging-out easier. We're going to try to get those again next year -we keep getting bumped for other groups. N and I are in charge of the 2010 get-together, so we'll see how we do. Anyway, being stuck in the dorm = free tickets for breakfast in the cafeteria. Hey, free food! Even if it IS cafeteria food. I mean, how bad can it be?
N and I skipped out on Saturday and went to a local place for a killer sweet roll. But Sunday we joined the rest of the crowd in the caf. It was, not surprisingly, one of the most carb-heavy meals I've had in a long time. Would it kill them to have some hard-boiled eggs, cheese, or non-French Toast options? But I digress....
We were there early (as we are childless, and therefore move faster than the rest of the group). Sat at a table for 8, thinking that others could join us as they drifted in. And we were close to some empty tables, so that could work out nicely. Until a family of 5, there for a church group thing (aka, Super-Christians, as N and I call them), just plunked themselves down at our table. They didn't ask, they didn't even gesture and raise eyebrows while pointing at the empty seats. Nope - just plunked down and made themselves at home. Not a word to us. Yay, Super-Christians. Way to be...super-annoying and super-self-involved. Sheesh.
So we got up and waited for friends to navigate the lines with their two small children. While waiting, I saw a young girl - there for a different Super-Christian camp thingie. She was wearing those cotton short-shorts that all teenage girls seem to wear now? You know, with the writing on the rear? Except, instead of saying "Juicy!" or "Hot!" or whatever stupid thing is typically written on there...hers said "SPATULA". Yes, a kitchen tool. On her tush. What on earth is up with that??? And of COURSE no one else saw it. But I swear, it was there.
See, I'm getting old and grumpy.
Fortunately we had a lovely weekend with friends, got to catch up with people we only see once or twice a year, and were never asked point-blank when we're going to start popping out some kids. Whew. Bullet dodged. And more on that later. I need to go be grumpy and do some actual work.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Daydream believer
I'm a daydreamer. Not in the "Get your head out of the clouds and get your work done!" sense, no, I've never had a problem focusing and finishing what I need to work on. No, my daydreaming occurs when my mind is not occupied with other things. When I'm cleaning, for example, or running mindlessly on the treadmill at the gym. Or riding in the car when I don't have to drive or navigate. Those are the times my mind wanders.
I was daydreaming yesterday while I was cleaning the bathrooms. My favorite mindless activity. It really is...tangible results, minimal effort, clean bathrooms. What's not to like? And, like so many times before, I daydreamed about being pregnant. See, after last month's wacky cycle (21 days, no obvious signs of ovulation [o.s.o., for short], etc.) I have been having a much more normal cycle. I had o.s.o, AND we managed to get busy pretty close to then.
So for the last two weeks I've been caught up in a game of "maybe this time". Maybe THIS time, things worked out timing-wise. Maybe THIS time, my defective tubes/ovaries/whatever kicked it into high gear, and we'll get our miracl. Maybe THIS time...and on, and on, and on.
Yesterday was particularly bad...I managed to daydream myself into a March due date, having to figure out how to tell family members when we have a family wedding next month! and I'm spending a week with my family! and then seeing my husband's family in September, for another wedding! And we're seeing my husband's college friends this weekend! All occasions during which much alcohol will be consumed.
This morning I was a bit more realistic. I have my typical PMS signs - ravenousness (with no discernible effect on my blood sugar...I hate my dm), klutziness, and now, within the lats hour, cramps. *sigh* I also took a hpt this morning, just to be sure that the beer I've been drinking over the past few days (Michel*ob Ult*ra, best low-carb beer I've found, and it comes in an Amber version) wasn't pickling a potential youngster. Totally negative. Really really negative.
I knew that was the case, of course. If we couldn't get pregnant during my lovely regular cycles, with IUIs targeted to the proper date, why would I think that having .... you know... maybe kind of close to the right date would work? Why do I let myself go down that road? And it's not just the family gatherings...I thought about the half-marathon I signed up for this fall. Christmas/Thanksgiving travel. My post-doc, and my need to begin looking for faculty positions. I was all.over.the.map, and the whole time I knew it was just a daydream.
I don't know, I think I need to talk to my husband again about our current approach/lack of an approach. We're currently in the "do nothing, hey, maybe we'll have a miracle!" pattern. And I don't think it's working for me. I think I need to say, you know what? This is not going to happen, and we need to do something to make sure it's not a surprise during a time when we are not ready for this. I think I'm ready to come down on the side of *never* being okay, and *maybe* moving on out the door. I think.
Of course, maybe the whole problem is that I was never homecoming queen...maybe that would have solved all my problems.
I was daydreaming yesterday while I was cleaning the bathrooms. My favorite mindless activity. It really is...tangible results, minimal effort, clean bathrooms. What's not to like? And, like so many times before, I daydreamed about being pregnant. See, after last month's wacky cycle (21 days, no obvious signs of ovulation [o.s.o., for short], etc.) I have been having a much more normal cycle. I had o.s.o, AND we managed to get busy pretty close to then.
So for the last two weeks I've been caught up in a game of "maybe this time". Maybe THIS time, things worked out timing-wise. Maybe THIS time, my defective tubes/ovaries/whatever kicked it into high gear, and we'll get our miracl. Maybe THIS time...and on, and on, and on.
Yesterday was particularly bad...I managed to daydream myself into a March due date, having to figure out how to tell family members when we have a family wedding next month! and I'm spending a week with my family! and then seeing my husband's family in September, for another wedding! And we're seeing my husband's college friends this weekend! All occasions during which much alcohol will be consumed.
This morning I was a bit more realistic. I have my typical PMS signs - ravenousness (with no discernible effect on my blood sugar...I hate my dm), klutziness, and now, within the lats hour, cramps. *sigh* I also took a hpt this morning, just to be sure that the beer I've been drinking over the past few days (Michel*ob Ult*ra, best low-carb beer I've found, and it comes in an Amber version) wasn't pickling a potential youngster. Totally negative. Really really negative.
I knew that was the case, of course. If we couldn't get pregnant during my lovely regular cycles, with IUIs targeted to the proper date, why would I think that having .... you know... maybe kind of close to the right date would work? Why do I let myself go down that road? And it's not just the family gatherings...I thought about the half-marathon I signed up for this fall. Christmas/Thanksgiving travel. My post-doc, and my need to begin looking for faculty positions. I was all.over.the.map, and the whole time I knew it was just a daydream.
I don't know, I think I need to talk to my husband again about our current approach/lack of an approach. We're currently in the "do nothing, hey, maybe we'll have a miracle!" pattern. And I don't think it's working for me. I think I need to say, you know what? This is not going to happen, and we need to do something to make sure it's not a surprise during a time when we are not ready for this. I think I'm ready to come down on the side of *never* being okay, and *maybe* moving on out the door. I think.
Of course, maybe the whole problem is that I was never homecoming queen...maybe that would have solved all my problems.
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