Processing

So, a year away from this blog (nearly) and I come back to process a huge disappointment in my professional life. Not exactly what I envisioned when I started this nearly-defunct opportunity to put down my thoughts in writing... On the other hand, if I can't use this space for my mental gymnastics and processing on topics that are relevant to me at this point in time, then...what's the point of having it? I guess I view this as more of an online journal than anything else. It's easier for me to type than to handwrite, so the journals of my youth are pretty much out. And I am finding more and more that I need the outlet of just .... writing. Just being able to put my thoughts out there, not worry about what someone is going to say or how they are going to react, or requiring me to then provide feedback on what they are currently worried about. The best part about this computer screen is that it does not talk back. Yet. And I think I would leave that option turned off, if ever it became reality. Sorry, I just talk to myself too much.

Anyway. This week was truly sucky, professionally, for me. It just. Sucked. Big time. I'm trying to think of how to describe it without identifying myself to the random Googler who might happen across this blog. But I don't think I should worry about that too much. Anyway!

So here's what happened. I was nominated by my department for a very prestigious fellowship in my field. As in, 12 people generally are awarded the fellowship annually. And they have only had it for a few years and there is no guarantee of how long it will continue. So I was nominated - which I *should* view as an honor in and of itself. The complicating factor was, of course, that I was going to have to propose a study that they would fund as part of the fellowship. And I was less than 3 weeks out from emergency surgeries that I had to have on my arm last fall (more about that in another post...it's been a long year...).

So I wasn't at my best, mentally, as I was still on pain meds and doing IV antibiotics (I told you it was a long story) and dealing with the after effects of two unplanned / emergency surgeries on a body that was previously healthy and...yeah. But I was up for the challenge - I wanted to apply for this, since they were willing to go out on a limb and nominate me. I wanted to move forward with one of my areas of research interest - and get the next study rolling, since I'm kind of tired of pilot studies. And, to be honest, I wanted the honor and prestige and recognition that comes from being awarded a fellowship of this stature in my scholarly world. To most people, it would not mean much, but...for me, the impact on my CV, my future scholarly career, and future job opportunities was amazing. Getting something like this would really propel my career into the upper levels of the people who do what I do. And that would be, quite simply, awesome.

I have to admit, I went into this thinking that it would be a lot easier than it actually was. I worked nearly full time on the application from the end of the fall semester (mid-December) through the due date in mid-February. I put a lot of blood, sweat, and tears into it. I worked on it over winter break - at my parents' house - at my in laws' house - at home. I worked on it so much that it started to become almost an obsession. And I was - I thought - typically conscientious of the other elements of the application (the part I was focusing on was the research study plan). I had good mentors and great mentorship plans. I had ideas of where I was going to go in the future with this. I had ideas about how to integrate findings from multiple studies - mine and those done by others - and make a difference in the lives of people in particular circumstances, with particular health problems.

At the same time, I was going through my mid-tenure review. In year 3 of our appointments, we are reviewed by our peers in the department, to determine whether we are on the right track for receiving tenure after year 5. The idea, of course, is to get rid of dead weight / course correct for people who are having difficulty / and encourage and facilitate the continued growth of people who are pretty much on track. All indications from the review were that I was completely on track. I just needed to focus on publishing more and making sure that I was publishing in my areas of interest (I have 2 lines of research and many, many fewer publications in one than the other).

So despite the health issues - the mental and physical energy I was expending on this - the time away from my immediate and extended family - I was feeling really positive about this application. We made sure that it hit the highlights of what the committee *said* it was looking for. We endeavored to show that it was relevant to the purposes of the body granting the fellowship. We made sure that we had a good mentor ship plan, that the study itself was groundbreaking and not something I could do otherwise.

I was feeling good right up until 2 days before submission, when I had my usual last minute "hey, did we hit everything they said we needed to say in this application????" And on review - both mine and that of my  mentor - we thought we had. I submitted it feeling really really positive.

And then it was rejected. Completely. The first stage of selection for this fellowship is being chosen for "interview day". So you put in the written application online - they take a few months to review and score the applications - and then they offer interviews to half of the applicants. Those people interview a few months later, and a month after that, they decide who in that group will receive the fellowship. The number of people interviewed and the percentage of those interviewed who will be offered a fellowship varies year to year, depending on the number of applications received. If they receive 50 applications - interview 25 - and accept 12 - it's pretty straightforward. But in the current funding climate, they are apparently receiving more applications. So it might be something more like 75-80 applications received - half interviewed - and still accepting only 12 people due to funding constraints.

I didn't even make it to the interview stage. My application was apparently so not what they were looking for, that I didn't even make the top half of people who applied. I am completely, totally mortified. Thrown. Unsure of what to do  / where to go from here.

I *assumed* (obviously, I was wrong) that I would at least be offered an interview. That would allow me, of course, to address any questions / concerns /issues that the committee might have in person, and in my own voice, and with the power of my passion for this topic behind me (which doesn't always come across in scholarly writing...). Instead...no. I was rejected right off the bat. And, even worse, I don't know WHY. They do not provide individual feedback, even though these fellowships are aimed at people who are early in their careers and developing as scholars / writers / researchers. Really, would it kill them to identify the main 1-2 reasons for the rejection of the application? Otherwise, I have no idea if it's me, the application / study itself, a mismatch in focus area, or something else entirely that has led to my rejection. I can't change that - although I wish I could - so I can just speculate about what happened.

Possibilities:

1. The application sucked. Really bad. So much so that it was in the bottom 50% because my scholarship is not up to par. The study was not well-described / conceptualized, the impact of the study was unclear, the methods weren't clearly outlined - whatever it was, it was something study-related. This is both more palatable and more daunting than some of the other possibilities I've come up with - palatable because it should be fixable, but more daunting because...it might mean that the area in which I hope to do research in the future is not a GOOD one - for science, or funding opportunities, or really anything. Fixable vs. not fixable. Which do I hope for? And I'll never know if this was the reason, either!

It does make me think, of course, what I do with this study idea going forward. I want to pursue it - I was planning already to submit for another grant on the same topic in the (unlikely, ha) event that this one did not fund. But I didn't realize that I would then be putting all my eggs in THAT basket. It makes me think that I need to diversify how I am applying for funding, in some ways -have more ideas about where to go / who might fund this research / who else I should talk to / how I should conceptualize what I am doing.

But at the same time - although it wasn't an EASY study (maybe that is another possibility - that it was simply too ambitious for the time frame / money provided / etc? although that is rather optimistic thinking...) I thought it was relatively straightforward to understand. We know that x, y, and z contribute to a, and usually b, in this particular group of people. But those elements have all been studied separately, and not necessarily in people this age and with these health issues. So I wanted to incorporate these findings from earlier work into ONE study to try to answer the question of what matters, and what matters more in terms of outcomes of these individuals.

2. Mismatch in focus area...Maybe it's that their focus was on a particular type of study done by a particular type of scholar this year. This was an option brought up by 2 of the (few) people I have told about my rejection in a professional context. That maybe, just maybe, my research interests are in the "close but we're not really interested in it" category. This is plausible - because the foundation funding these fellowships definitely does have a particular agenda, and they do tend to have a particular focus for the studies that they DO fund. But...I thought I made the case about the fit between my proposed research and the funding foundation pretty well.

This is the explanation that my emotional brain wants to hold on to. In reality? It's likely that the study was poorly conceived, conceptualized, and explained. I probably did not do a very good job outlining what I wanted to do, and why, with this particular population. That is, hopefully, fixable, but it calls into question my thinking, writing, and communication skills. WHY am I not able to clearly conceive of my overall interests? How can I better communicate that to others who are not necessarily in my specialty / interest area? How can I bring all of the disparate factors of interest to me together, in a way that makes sense to someone other than me?

And then, once I figure out how to share / communicate what I am interested in - how on earth do I make the argument that a foundation /body / institute / whatever should fund ME instead of someone else? How do I get over my impression that my writing is so much better than others', and that I'm able to make a better argument for the importance of the study now and in the future?

3. My qualifications / mentorship team / plan for my career

Maybe there was something unclear in the mentorship plan? Or what I want to do with this study once it is finished? I can't imagine that I was perceived as OVERqualified for the fellowship, but...I have had a good amount of pilot funding, and maybe they saw that and thought I'd had enough support? I did have a postdoctoral fellowship as well as another current trainee grant, so again - maybe they thought that was enough training? Time to move on and be a big girl as far as grants go?
Maybe it's that I haven't published much in the area, as it's a new investigative area for me and I didn't have my dissertation publications focused on this?

4. Something else...large group of applications? Focus on people who are of minority status of one type or another? (this is a focus of this particular foundation)

Not much else to say about this one -  I can't alter how many people applied, or my personal / professional characteristics, so...yeah.

Why has this completely derailed me this week?

1. I'm tired from traveling / didn't get to go home last weekend / etc.

This is certainly contributing to my current mental state (which has significantly improved since dumping this all out on-screen, even though I am certain that no one has or will ever read this...). I do terribly when I cannot go home on the weekends to recharge my batteries. This is related to something ELSE that happened while I was writing this grant, which was that while I was recovering from 2 emergency surgeries, my husband determined that he needed a career change, interviewed for and accepted a job in a town 2.5 hours from our old town / where I work, and we put our house there on the market and moved up here. So now I am commuting weekly to my job down there - an arrangement I actually enjoy - and sharing a condo with a colleague. Yeah. That was another potentially complicating factor that kind of drew my attention away from the whole writing-a-really-important-grant focus. I can't believe that I forgot the timing of that - will outline that in more detail in another post, because...I can't believe we got through that, to be honest. Wow.

Anyway. I need to come HOME on the weekends to recharge. I cannot be away from my home base for long. And I was this past week - I worked last Monday, traveled from Tues-Sun, arrived BACK at my work location on Sunday, jumped into work on Monday morning, and...got the rejection email Monday morning. Yeah. While I was in the middle of reviewing graduate student projects and having to project a professional - not falling apart - image. That was...interesting. And I wasn't doing too well - I didn't tell many people about the outright rejection, but those I did tell are in positions to get the info out to those who need to know. I figure it will trickle down through the department, and that more and more people will learn about it (or forget that I ever applied) over time.

Which kind of brings me to another point...I am so, so afraid that I disappointed / let down my mentor, my boss, and the higher-ups in the University. Because quite frankly - I failed. They put themselves out there - they nominated me - they wrote letters of support and were willing to support not only the nomination but also the buy out time that it would require - and I was completely REJECTED at the opening stage. Didn't even make it past the first cut. What did I do SO BADLY that I wasn't even able to make their nomination of me worthwhile? I mean, that's significant professional capital they are spending on my behalf. And yet - I wasn't worthy of the fellowship - I wasn't even considered in the top 50%. How did I let them down so badly - and what does that mean for my future opportunities???? Both here and elsewhere?????

2. I had gotten good feedback on these ideas at the meeting I attended last week, so I assumed that everyone would have uniformly positive impressions of the study / ideas that I was presenting.

This was bad - I had good spontaneous feedback on these ideas at the meeting I attended last week...so I assumed that everyone would see the study in the same way. Well, if X person thinks it is worth funding, and that it's an interesting idea, etc., then of COURSE the others are going to think so as well. Why wouldn't they??? And that, clearly, was just not correct. Whether it was the scope or focus of the study - it was not nearly good enough for this fellowship application.

Which begs the question ,what do I do with it now?? Do I submit it elsewhere? Change my plans? Change my study direction? without feedback I don't know what to do, whether it's my approach / writing / something fixable, or whether it's the core ideas behind the proposal. If it's the core ideas - then I really need to shift perspectives and do something different. But if the ideas are inherently good and I'm just not managing to communicate what I need to share with people who are making these decisions, well, that is more salvageable.

3. I know so. many. people. with this fellowship. And I considered myself a scholarly peer of theirs - that I was on the same level, essentially, and could hold my own in the group. I really thought that. But now, knowing that they all GOT the fellowships (and so made it to the very final group, obviously), while I couldn't even get into the top 50% of applications, is completely mortifying. Completely. It's particularly galling in the case of one particular colleague...

4. Speaking of that one particular colleague....I know that she has one of these fellowships. I also know that her grants are, quite frankly, terribly written and poorly conceptualized, and that she is not a positive person to work for or with. She's a chronic complainer - everything is always, always, ALWAYS someone else's fault - and she refuses to take ownership of the study and make it work. She's always waiting for someone else to come along and do the leg work and / or make things happen. In between, she sits back and wants other people to do the work while everything just kind of...falls into her lap. She's a terrible "team" leader, too. And I thought - maybe - that she was going to be a colleague / friend of mine. But now I am seriously reconsidering that. Because I don't know how much we have in common, and she treated me like dirt in the process of another grant application that went in recently.

Her interpersonal skills suck. She treated two people I know in another department very poorly during the same grant application. She got information from them - never acknowledged their assistance - and then didn't provide them with info on what she was going to use from their contributions, whether they were going to be on the final grant submission, etc. They didn't hear from her until they were asked - rather tersely - for their CV's for the final submission. One friend was surprised to get the request, as she had asked to be taken off the grant (and really wasn't on it - it was  a mistake from the person requestingthe CV). And the reply that she got from this "colleague" of mine was such that I was completely embarrassed / mortified to be associated with her. A terse, rude, and snippy email that had no place in a collegial exchange, particularly at our institution, where one rarely if ever encounters a colleague from another discpline who is anything but accommodating, kind, and helpful. She used language that I gave her. I offered references, if she needed them. She asked me for them less than 48 hours before the grant was due. And then, when I saw her in the hallway and told her that it would be at least the next afternoon before I could get to her request, she got snippy with me and told me to "just give [her] the names, and [she'll] look them up on her own". The lack of kindness and respect to one's colleagues just astounds me.

I don't think I can be friends with her. I certainly - after the experience with her grant application - cannot collaborate with her on a study. But I also can't get my mind over the hurdle that this person - this person who thinks the world revolves around her - who thinks she is the bee's knees - who writes terribly and cannot clearly state the concepts  /ideas that drive her work - that SHE GOT ONE OF THESE AND I DID NOT. And that is perhaps the most childish reaction possible that I can have to the news that I didn't even make the goddamn interview stage. I mean, really. They gave HER money, they couldn't even find a reason to interview me? It is completely mortifying and embarrassing to me. Completely.

Even worse? She is not a product of my profession. In other words, she did something else, got a graduate degree in my profession, and then latched on to an area of "underserved" research that is kind of sort of of interest to her, but not her passion. I have been passionate about this type of research - this group of people - and this type of study - for YEARS now. And yet...they give her money. And I didn't even get an interview.

I am supposed to have lunch with her on Tuesday. I already canceled it once, in March, for a presentation that I needed to attend. I want to cancel it again but I have a sneaking suspicion that would go over ... not well. Not well at ALL to be honest. Let's just say that I had a perfectly valid reason for needing / wanting to attend the presentation in March, vs. having lunch with a friend / colleague, and she was pissy with me.

You know what? I'm going to post this ridiculously long diatribe. I have more to say on this, but I have to attend a webinar and then skype with a colleague, and while I might come back to this later today, I have had enough processing for the moment. Just need a normal lunch, some laundry, and a boring presentation on online course software. ;)

Too long away

Goodness. I don't know why I even try to blog during the semester. Especially this past semester, which really knocked me on my rear end. I wasn't teaching, which was nice, but I was taking three classes and two of them were fairly intensive. One was well-organized and well-run, with helpful TA's, reasonable assignments, and an excellent instructor. The other, well...let's just say it was not well-organized, the coordinator (most of the lectures were by experts in the field) did not attend all of the lectures (he probably attended...half? maybe a little less than that?), and it was tiny (6 people + random people who would come for some of the lectures...oh, and 3 TAs...for 6 students). Guess which class did not have an evaluation? Yeah.

Anyway - I'm over that! I think. :) And I am so, so glad that summer is (almost) here, that my workload is significantly lighter, and that I will have the chance to not only get some of my work done, but also clear out some of the mental clutter remaining after a long and stressful academic year.

I also hope to do something about the excessive physical clutter in our house...but that is a story for another day.

There are so many things I want to blog about, so many things that have popped into my brain over the last 6+ weeks...it will take me a while to work through them, and prioritize them, and get them out onto the screen. I've been doing better with the whole childless thing...but not spectacularly. I've been really pleased with my weight loss / fitness improvement...but still have some issues / triggers. I feel like I'm doing better with my attitude, particularly in my personal life...but still have *days*. So, plenty to talk about, lots to work through, and I'm so glad I have this space to use for that.

One (new) thing that I started just yesterday, that I'll mention briefly, is Happy Rambles. It's a website - you have to register - that sends an email once a day, usually at the end of the day (however you define that; for me, it's 4:30 pm ;>), that asks you to reply to the email with what you are grateful / thankful for or happy about that day. What a wonderful way to highlight the positive that hides in every day, no matter how stressful or annoying. I am hoping it helps me maintain the attitude adjustment that I have been working on for the last 3 weeks or so.

Midway

We are, essentially, midway through the semester, and I feel like I have more of a handle on things than I did at this point last semester. This is probably because I have my buy out semester this semester, meaning that I am not teaching, only *taking* classes. Sometimes this ongoing training thing is just for the birds. Other times, though, I relish being the student again, instead of the teacher.

Next fall, I will be teaching students in the final year of their graduate clinical program. Eeps. Up until now, I have been more involved with the students earlier in the program - first semester, second year, etc. I worry - of course, because I would not be me if I did not worry - that I am too unsure, too far removed from my own clinical practice, too...academic to be an effective teacher at that point in the program. I guess we'll see, won't we?

I had a lovely crapstorm of a day on Friday...I originally had 3 conference calls scheduled (on my "work from home day"...I should rename it my "conference call day"). The first one went fine. The second one - to decide which nominee, of 3, should receive an award from a group that I am involved with, took two and a half hours. I had it on my calendar for 1. It. Was. Brutal. My specialty is relatively small - we all know each other, many of us have worked together, and we know background that we would not know if we did not know these nominees so well. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do in my life. We finally decided that we should give the award to one particular person...meaning that I had to send two rejection emails and one yay, you got it! email. And, one of the rejected nominees is...someone I work with. Yeah. Someone I was supposed to be on a phone call with in a half hour. I couldn't do it. I manufactured a work-related excuse, and rescheduled for this week. Not that she won't put it together, after she gets the rejection email, but...man. That was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, professionally. I suspect that this is what will keep me out of leadership positions. I just...I have such a difficult time telling people 'no' (well, unless I really don't want to do something), and I have a particularly hard time picking one deserving recipient of whatever out of a group of fabulous people and scholars. *sigh* I know it will be better soon, but I really wish I did not have to go through that. And I wish that she did not have to go through that.

Work-related angst aside, N comes home today - yay! - from a four-day meeting. He was hoping to get home yesterday, but that did not work out. He should be home shortly after lunch time, if all works out. He has a meeting this afternoon - not work-related - and is hoping to mow the lawn. Our warm weather has resulted in a jungle-like backyard. The poor dog doesn't even know where to start when I take him out. ;) Anyway - oh, right. I started this paragraph because I was so happy that N scheduled a massage yesterday, after his meeting sessions were finished. He never, ever, ever attends to his physical health, and it drives me NUTS. He does not exercise. He does not always make good food choices. He eats at his desk. He skips lunch. He...yeah. It can be very frustrating, particularly as I've worked to make changes to the way I eat. I'm not saying he doesn't eat his veggies, or that he refuses to eat what I cook (he is fabulously flexible in that regard...), but he just does not make his health a priority, and he really needs to. I can't wait to hear how he liked it - maybe this will prompt him to take better care of himself on a more regular basis. A girl can hope, right?

Onward. Studying for my test on Weds evening. From 6:45-8:45 PM. I might fall sleep in the middle there. That time is BRUTAL for me!

Well, that was a crazy...almost 2 months

Good grief. I can't believe I haven't written here since January 31st. Oy.

It's been a crazy semester, to say the least. We were both traveling a lot, I have had a busy semester with classes and studies and time in the lab and trying to balance everything, and there have been a few things that have come up that kind of blindsided me, regarding infertility and friends and...yeah. Oh, and I implemented a "lifestyle change", given that when we were in California in January, I could *barely* button the pants that had fit so well last winter. Oops. I think I kind of got off track with my eating. As in, eating all. the. time.

I went with Wei.ght.Watch.ers for my lifestyle change monitoring, as I'd had success with them before - the first year that N and I were together. Ah, memories. Learning that foods with more fiber had lower point counts. Keeping the point counter in the drawer. Not having a smart phone, but being able to log foods through! the! web! We thought we were super-cool. ;)

Now, there's literally an app for that. I can track everything on all my 'devices'. It's kind of hilarious. But I digress. Let's just say that this change has been more successful than I could have imagined. I basically stopped eating most - if not all - refined grain products. I was eating crackers and cookies and bread ALL the time. Not a good choice - particularly not for me, your friendly neighborhood atypical diabetic. I cut waaay back (the first day counting points was...sobering. Let's just say that I topped my daily total mid-afternoon. That I blew through my activity points by 5 pm - and that was WITH a 6.5 mile run! And that I used up a bunch of my weekly extra points. Thank goodness it was a Saturday and I started over with points on Sunday!). Way, way back. Most of my carbs now are either a) homemade granola (in the morning), or b) fruit. Lots and lots and lots of fruits and veggies. The 0 points thing is appealing -although a bit counterintuitive to someone who is mentally focused on protein-protein-protein - and has resulted in significant weight loss for me. I hit my goal weight in about 5.5 weeks. I was thrilled. And, it's continued to come off. I'm seeing numbers on the scale that I haven't seen since my freshman year of college.

The best part? I am not starving all the time. I do think about what I am going to eat, and when, but it's not consuming (ha) my life the way it was. And my clothing fits - or is too big. I feel 100 times better - have a TON more energy - and am able to work out harder and longer than I was before. Now it's time to start thinking about maintenance, and how to add some treats back in without ballooning back up.

The other thing I have noticed - odd, but not completely out of the realm of possibility, from what I've read - is that my face, which was horribly broken out for much of the last 8 months, is nearly clear. I've stopped using daily treatments. I wash my face, moisturize, use my wand and retin-A at night, and...wow. I can't wait to see the dermatologist next Friday. We were talking Accu.tane, for the love of Pete, and now I'm trying to determine if I can drop the concentration of my retin-A. I love love love it. I'm still getting used to it, but I love it.

On the sort-of-down side, only one person other than my husband has commented on my weight loss - someone I work with a few days a week who noticed that my pants were remarkably loose. Despite seeing significant changes in my body size, despite having to buy new pants, and despite losing the double chin I was developing... no one else seems to have noticed. Oh, and despite losing the teenage-level breakouts I was having. I don't *expect* many comments, but...I'm just surprised, I guess. I'll get over it, though. ;)

An...unexpected, I suppose, and not-very-nice surprise was finding out that the friends we have not talked to in over a year, the people we saw nearly every other week, who thought they couldn't have children until a 'miracle' conception (wonderfully timed to be confirmed - literally - on the day I knew my first IUI did not work, thanks to the arrival of my period), are...having another baby. Fortunately, my husband saw it on FB and warned me before I logged in and saw the u/s picture of little tiny baby feet. It just....took the breath right out of me. I thought I was over it. I thought I could deal with friends getting pregnant and having babies, but...it still hurts. I think it hurts more because we're not really *friends* anymore. I thanked N for telling me before I saw it, and asked what he thought about me NOT commenting on the post, and he said he thought it was fine, that they're not going to contact us separately anyway. The last I looked - and I plan to torture myself a bit after writing this by going to see the comments - there were 40+ comments on the picture / post, so I don't think she'll notice the lack of comments from our direction.

But ow. Ow. Ow.

I hope to write more tomorrow - things have been bottled up for way too long, and although I like to think that I am dealing pretty well, I have missed this outlet.

Miscalculation

So, the joke's on me. A few weeks ago, I answered this question:

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: b) thinner or fatter?

By saying:

b) the same (although I think stronger, as I've been lifting weights)

Um, yeah. No. Not exactly.

When we were in CA, I wore my standard black pants for dinner on Friday and Saturday nights. I also noticed that they were, ahem, a bit tight around the waist, moreso than they have been before. I also noticed that my running times have not been improving, or even really staying steady. I've been getting slower and have had to take more breaks during even a 45 minute run, which I should be able to knock out without any issues.

All of this led me, eventually (there was some denial involved...), to the scale. Yeah. 8 pounds heavier than I thought. *sigh*

No matter how much running and working out I do, if I am eating too much, it's not going to make a damn bit of difference. Time to stop using my workout schedule as an excuse for eating SO DARN MUCH, and start paying more attention to what goes in my mouth.

Which means that I am going to attempt a 'lifestyle change', starting now. I signed up for WW online this weekend, and I'm logging my foods religiously. Saturday - the first day I did it - I noticed just *how much* I have been snacking. And, because of my diabetes, I've been eating a lot of protein-rich but also fatty and calorie-heavy foods. I suspect this was not the best choice for my weight. It also hasn't been working so well for my fasting blood sugars.

So, it's back to weighing food, and realizing that a FULL handful of granola in the morning - even homemade! even made with agave syrup instead of sugar! even with olive oil instead of regular oil! - is probably a little too much. Portion control - I have not missed it, but I think my tush has.

Fortunately, my husband has agreed to sign up, too. I've said that I should lose about 18 pounds; he would like to lose 20-30. We'll see how this goes (as of right now, he has not yet signed up...but I do plan to hold him to that promise!).

Here's hoping that the pounds come off, that I feel lighter inside and out, and that I stop obsessing about food soon. (I think it's a natural side effect of cutting back on consumption, that I - and others - tend to think only about foodfoodfood for a period of time after cutting back. I sincerely hope it's only for a period of time.)

Busy busy busy

I have been so ridiculously busy the last few weeks, and haven't had time to post. It is the usual beginning-of-the-semester insanity, coupled with a quick trip to California while my husband was there for work. I've never done that before, and we decided that this was the year we were going to take advantage of our childless state and multiple work trips and accompany each other whenever we could.

And boy, was I glad I did, even though I came back last week at least as stressed as when I left...if not more so. :)

His work trip was in southern CA, so while he worked hard on Saturday, I went to DisneyLand for the first time in many, many years. The last time I was there, I was with a friend whose annual work party was held there, which I thought was pretty excellent. This year, I went alone on Saturday and then with my husband on Sunday.

I am quite used to doing things alone - and, obviously, without children - but I did have a few experiences while in CA that made me wish that people could be more understanding / sensitive to people who are alone. Both times I had lunch without my husband - Friday, after I arrived, and Saturday, before I went in the park - I was ignored by the hostess as I approached the stand, until I said "I would like to have lunch." No greeting, no asking if I would like a table. And then, after I said that, BOTH hostesses said "Oh, just for one?" Well, yes - I am alone AND I would like to eat, as odd as that may seem!

Another instance occurred in the line for the last ride I rode by myself on Saturday. The line was loooong and people were restless, and when I got to the front, I was told to stand aside (on the line side of the turnstile) and let through a group of six. So I stood there, being bumped and jostled not only by the 6 people, but by the turnstile. The guy was...not helpful, and not pleasant, and it was so odd to see that at a park famed for its friendliness.

That aside, we had a lovely time on Sunday, despite crowds and insane children running around, and my husband's motion sickness. He rode a few rides with me and did quite well, though, so I have high hopes that he might be able to do other rides at other parks. I did okay with the whole no-kids thing, even though we were SURROUNDED by small children. Which, duh - we were at Disney - I kind of knew that would happen. My husband, apparently, has a soft spot for little girls who go all-out dressing up like their favorite princesses. It made me a little sad to think of the daughters that he won't get to spoil with princess dresses and hats and balloons and movies and... maybe that's okay, too. :>

I have another trip in a week and a half, and have to get moving on a LOT of work stuff this week. He's gone at the same time, again, so we'll have chaos for a week or so. But I do need to get back here and write more often...

Kicked to the curb

Despite my talk about living the lives we have, and moving past the pain of infertility and subsequently living childfree, there are still moments that throw me.

One such moment occurred the other day, when I had a series of separate email exchanges with my parents.

My dad emailed about something else, then commented at the end of his email that my mother had mentioned getting another computer and she'd like to put it in my old room; he thought it was a good idea, and what did I think? I responded that we had chatted about it during our visit, and that I thought that room was a good choice, she should get a desktop or a full-function laptop, etc. I even suggested a location within the room - in the corner where, for the last 9 years, my mother has had a crib.

A crib. I'll just let that sink in a minute.

My mother purchased a crib - a very nice crib, mind you - when my SIL was pregnant with my niece. They didn't have much money when we were babies, so my brother and I, while we were obviously well-cared-for, did not sleep in designer cribs with matching sheets and crib (bed?) skirt. So mom indulged herself - and the baby (and later, her brother) had a lovely place to sleep when visiting.

Four years ago, I thought that eventually we'd be putting our own baby to sleep in that crib.

We all know that didn't happen. We didn't even come close. And since we stopped trying - stopped pursuing treatment - it's been harder and harder to visit and see that empty crib in the corner. This last visit, mom was using it as a catch-all for the yard sale stuff that we found throughout the house. I used it as a place to drape some of my clothes. And my husband commented that it sure was weird to sleep in a room with an empty and unused crib.

So, when I suggested that the computer could be placed in that room, in the corner where the crib was located, I never thought I'd get this response from my dad, one day later:

"We took the crib down in your room [side note: I haven't lived at home for more than 18 years; I think it's kind of cute that it's still "my" room.] and put it out on the curb. Hope someone takes it - it's a nice crib and barely used."

Ouch.

My mom said something similar in a later email, then commented that evening that someone had taken the crib after only an hour. "And it was in good shape - barely a tooth mark!"

Ouch, again.

Given my thoughts when seeing the crib in my old room - that they should just take it DOWN, already - I was surprised at how much it hurt to be told that they had disposed of the crib so blithely. It just reminded me that we don't and never will have a child who will sleep at his or her grandparents' houses. We'll never need to sneak the baby off to a quiet room for a nap after a day full of fun times with family and friends. We'll never have to be super duper quiet when going to bed at my parents' house, since the baby would be sleeping in the same room.

I imagine that I'll get over this soon, but for now, it still really hurts.

Incomplete thoughts

After I posted yesterday, I realized that I had not really completed my thoughts about why I prefer to keep a low profile online and in real life, as someone living childfree after infertility.

And it's a reason that I've written about before, here. Because we chose to stop after the IUIs, due to the financial and emotional implications of pursuing further medical treatment. Because there *wasn't* a good explanation for why I wasn't pregnant - why the treatments we had tried weren't successful. Because we didn't go all-out.

Among infertility bloggers, this embarrasses me. I don't know if "embarrasses" is really the RIGHT word, but it's the best I've come up with so far. When I read about others who have been in our shoes, who have gone to the ends of the earth to have their child(ren), who have taken the risks and come out on the other side with what they wanted SO badly... well, then I feel like a failure. Like we didn't want it badly enough. Like my concerns about my emotional and mental health; the health of our marriage; my professional life; and my physical health were tiny hurdles that we could have vaulted if we had only wanted it enough. My parents offered financial assistance. We live near the only infertility treatment center in the state. I had insurance that would have allowed at least one IVF attempt. And we still stepped off and decided this was what we had to do.

And it's funny how that decision skews my perspective sometimes. Whenever I have a long day at work...whenever I am impatient or annoyed by a small child...whenever we have popcorn for dinner... I think, maybe it was for the best that we didn't have children. Then I see my husband playing with a child...I see our niece and nephew...I get to hold a friend's four-month-old and put him to sleep (I have skills in that area, apparently)...and I think, maybe we should have gone one. Maybe we should have just tried that one IVF cycle. Maybe we still could.

But I know that we are not going to do that. At least not now. We're going to live the lives that we have chosen - without biological children. We're going to do our best to make our marriage strong, to have fulfilling jobs and happy lives outside of work. We're going to try to make a difference in the world. And I am going to work on owning our decision - not being embarrassed by it.

Why *aren't* there more of us?

The inimitable Loribeth posted recently about why there aren't more bloggers who write about living childfree after infertility. (Actual post is here.) And it got me thinking, why *aren't* there more of us?

I write about living child free after infertility, but I don't really advertise that I do. I tend not to comment on other peoples' blogs. I have not emailed the Stirrup Queen to add my blog to her roll. I don't allow (at least, I don't think I allow) my blog to be found via Google, etc. Part of this is because of my profession; part of it is because I am a very private person; and part of it is that I do not want people judging me, my husband, and our choices through their own lenses.

I think it is very difficult to go "public" as someone who has chosen to live childfree after infertility. It is still very difficult for me to "come out" to friends / relatives / college classmates (i.e. people I know in real life) as someone who has a) experienced infertility, and b) chosen not to pursue all possible options.

I even find it difficult when my husband answers peoples' questions as if we chose, all along, to be childfree. I don't think I wrote about this here - it occurred this summer, during All The Travel and The Not Blogging. We were with friends from my husband's college - we do this every summer - and taking a picture of all of us. My husband is the designated photographer - he is really fantastic at it. N did something to make the kids laugh and get their focus OFF the picture-taking, and someone commented on "when will you guys have kids?" N's response - point blank - was to say "We aren't going to have kids." Stares and questioning looks all around. Now, everyone was too polite to ask *why*, but the way he said it, it sounded like this was what we had chosen to do. And I'm sitting there thinking, but there's no *context*! None of these people (as far as I know) know about our infertility struggles. None of them know what we did. None of them know the choices we made, the discussions we have, the thoughts I *still* have. But I didn't say anything. Because I didn't want to get into it. I didn't want to have to defend our choices. I didn't want to have to listen to anyone suggesting adoption or foster care or other medical options.

And that is kind of why I keep a low profile online, as well. I like reading other peoples' blogs; I'm less enthused about putting myself and my blog out there. Plus, I don't always focus on living childfree. Sure, it comes up, but less often than it used to. More often, I think I'm writing about living childfree in the context of living the rest of my life.

Anyway. So those are my thoughts. Sorry for the incoherence and rambling -it's what most of my emails have sounded like today, too. Pity the poor people who receive those. ;)

Going to the movies

Well, we didn't *go* to the movies. We sat on our couch (correction: I was using my foam roller at the time, so I was on the floor and my husband was on the couch) and used Apple TV to watch previews (best part of the movies!) and then watch a movie. We chose One Day, which came out last year and was (if I recall correctly) panned as a vapid chick flick. Side note: I *like* vapid chick flicks. I also like animated movies and kids' movies. I like romantic comedies and comedies in general. I don't like to be depressed when I am watching a movie. We watched something...The American? With George Clooney? Anyway, that was last winter, I believe, and it was ridiculously depressing. Since then I've kind of put a moratorium on depressing movies. Real life is stressful enough - I would like to escape into the movies, thanks.

Anyway, we watched One Day. It has Anne Hathaway in it and some guy. ;) Her accent was interesting to me - I always wonder what those who have the accent in question think of someone putting it on for a movie like they might change their shirts. I was amused by the outfits and hair and GLASSES as the movie brought us forward in time from 1988 until the present. It was reasonably entertaining, and I thought all was good.

Until the last 15 minutes. And it wasn't even the twist (don't worry, no BIG spoilers here) that got me. It was what came before. She has finally met / married the man she is "meant" to be with, who has a child from a previous relationship (okay, a minor spoiler there). There's an emotional shot where she turns to her husband and says "I want a baby with the man I love." And I thought, oh, dear. Sure enough, fast forward a year, and we learn that she is not yet pregnant. We learn this because she storms off from the bathroom, leaving her husband behind, and says "In case you were wondering, I'm not pregnant." All I could think was, I have so totally said that, and in that exact tone of voice. It was the tone of voice I'd get after my period came, again. It was the tone of voice I'd get when another pee-on-a-stick moment turned into a big fat negative. It was the tone of voice I'd get when yet another friend would announce her pregnancy (usually on the very day I got my period).

I don't think my husband noticed. But, much like Up, I felt like the whiff of infertility and (biological) childlessness that infiltrated this movie came completely out of nowhere and slapped me in the face. In some ways, that mirrors my own experience. I was healthy, with no medical conditions*, and no red flags that would indicate an inability to get pregnant**. I was told by three health care providers that I should have "no problems" getting pregnant***. No reason to think that a baby isn't going to follow relatively soon after we start trying. Until it doesn't. And it won't. Despite our (ahem) efforts, and those of others.

* Of course, during all of the infertility crap, I was diagnosed with diabetes. Dammit. I still waffle on my attitude towards that. Option A (a.k.a., the good health care provider perspective): Gee, I'm glad I was diagnosed, so I can take good care of myself and prevent future problems! Option B (a.k.a., the whiny perspective): Really? Seriously? A chronic condition that I don't want, and that I can't control well no matter what I do? Dammit.

** No history of endometriosis, PCOS, irregular periods, etc. My mother was on Clomid when she got pregnant with my brother, but she got pregnant with me without really trying.

*** First, my GYN NP. Next, the midwife (!) I consulted the month we started trying, since I was trying to be a good patient and follow the rules for pre-conception care. And finally, the department head who did my surgery and said everything looked fine, my tubes were in good shape, and I should have no problems getting pregnant.

It just reminded me that this is never far from my consciousness, at least not yet. I sincerely doubt it affected my husband as it affected me. But it got me thinking about it, yet again, and reminded me that I am still working through all of the ramifications of living childfree not-by-choice.

2011 in review

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
Traveled to Japan; attained premier status as a frequent flyer (flier?); taught a class solo; took on chairmanship of a small group in one of my professional organizations.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Um, I don't usually make new year's resolutions. In general, I like to start the new year as I mean to go on. Moderation in (most) things, enjoying my life, and striving to become a better person.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, classmates from high school and friends of my husband's from college. And all of the babies are appropriately adorable.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Just before New Year's, my childhood best friend's grandmother died. That may seem like a stretch, but we didn't have involved grandparents growing up, and she was a wonderful role model. Also, a former patient of mine died unexpectedly at age 22.

5. What countries did you visit?
Japan and Canada.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you didn’t have in 2011?
Skin that behaves; regular massages; and peace with the decisions I make.

7. What dates from 2011 will be etched upon your memory, and why?

I don't have any particular dates etched in memory, although the end of May was memorable for our vacation.

8. What was your biggest achievement of this year?
At least partially managing to keep all of the balls in the air as I learn to juggle the multiple responsibilities of my job. It's a constant challenge, and I am desperately seeking ways to help me stay organized an on top of all of the different facets of "what I do". I also think that I've lost some of my defensiveness at being childless, but I'm not sure that's permanent (or even obvious to others).

9. What was your biggest failure?
Hm. I did not lose weight, as I have hoped to do for the past several years. I lost my patience more than I should. And I got frustrated more easily, perhaps due to sleep deprivation and stress.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Normal colds, for the most part.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
E-books, by far. Well, I guess the iPad that facilitated those purchases, as well.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Zach Wahls.

http://youtu.be/FSQQK2Vuf9Q

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Jerry Sandusky. Bernie Fields. Anyone and everyone who abuses others, particularly children.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Apparently, cell phones (per my husband's comment the other day). That and the mortgage. We did get rid of one car payment in 2011 by selling his car, so that helped.

15. What did you get really excited about?

My work trips; presentations at national and international conferences; possibilities for work and home life.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
The goofy songs I heard at the gym, which is the only place where I hear "current" songs. "Raise your Glass" is one of them. Also anything by Adele.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

a) happier

b) the same (although I think stronger, as I've been lifting weights)

c) richer, I think

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
RELAXING. For the love of god, I need to learn to take some time for myself, my husband, and our dog.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Stressing out about things I can't control. It's a chronic problem, though.

20. How will you spend Christmas?
We spent Christmas Eve and Day with my in-laws. Then we spent New Year's with my side of the family.

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?
I still love my husband. And I fell in love with my iPad. :)

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Big Bang Theory. Any show that makes me laugh til I snort on a consistent basis is a keeper. Also, college basketball and football, and the NFL.

23. What was the best book you read?
Um...I'm in the middle of the Game of Thrones series, and those are pretty much the ONLY books I've read this year. *hangs head in shame*

24. What was your greatest musical discovery?
My husband tends to make these for me. I can't really remember what he found for me this year. Adele was on several compilations.

25. What did you want and get?
I wanted an iPad, I got an iPad. I also got several grants at work, so that's all good.

26. What did you want and not get?

Hm. I've been pretty lucky. Maybe casual boots that can be worn with jeans or slacks? I'm still on the hunt.

27. What was your favorite film of 2011?
(Ahem, nerd alert.) Note by Note - a documentary on the making of a Steinway concert grand. Seriously. It's awesome. Also, Up (I think we saw that this year) and Cars. (What? I like movies with minimal drama.)

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was (sigh) 36. We didn't do a lot - I don't care to make my birthday a big celebration. But I was a bit sad because neither my college roommate nor my childhood best friend called me ON my birthday.

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I'm not sure. More patience on my part. The ability to take 3 deep breaths and THEN react. Better time management. Better organization.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept of 2011?
"Trying to wear pants that fit." I succeed about 33% of the time. Let's just say that I have been threatened with "What Not to Wear" nominations by more than one individual.

31. What kept you sane?
Our puppy. My husband. Living in a place I love, with minimal stress related to the nitty-gritty of living life.

32. What political issue stirred you the most?
For the love of Pete, any issue on which someone wants to dictate how others live their lives. My marriage is certainly not threatened by two women or two men who want to get married. And seriously? Keep your hands off of my reproductive organs and my choices in that area.

33. Who did you miss?
My family. We only see them 2-3 times a year.

34. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

Things are never as bad as they seem. Sometimes jumping in and trying is better than overthinking. And we all need to slow down sometimes.

35. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

I am super terrible at song lyrics. I am going to take a bye on this one.

Home again, home again

Jiggity jig!

I love visiting my parents, but my goodness, was it nice to come home yesterday. As a bonus, we have been having unseasonably warm temperatures and NO SNOW as yet (this is very odd) so we had a beautiful sunny day to fly, and no travel issues. I think we have used up our good travel karma, though, so I anticipate major issues when we head to CA in a few weeks.

We had a good visit, although it's hard to see my parents getting older. They are not *old*, in my opinion, but they are definitely slowing down a bit. My dad will be going down to 4 days/week at work this year, and my mom is having some major sciatica issues. She has always been one of those moms who never stops moving, and to see her having pain primarily when she gets up in the morning is really hard. They still live in their three-story-with-a-basement house, though, and I saw no reason to be concerned about their ability to get around the house and get things done. And my mother still throws a really excellent party. We had a good time - saw family, friends, and just hung out most of the time.

It was better than the last few years, too, because hardly anyone mentioned children and why we don't have them. I had mentioned to my mother and my childhood best friend (whose mother is my mother's best friend...I know, convoluted and connected) that they could and should tell people that we are not able to have children. And I think they might have, as very few people brought it up (ahem, maternal aunt). But the weird thing is, I hate to bring up our infertility issues even with my mom and CBF. So I have never *asked* them whether they have shared that information with anyone, and if so, with whom. This leaves me wondering a) who knows, b) whether the additional communication (assuming it has happened) has led to a decrease in the number of people nosily asking about our reproductive status, or c) whether people have just given up as we get older and our childless state becomes more a function of our age.

Holding a friend's 4 month old (I love ages 4-9 months), the mom mentioned that I should freak out another friend by not telling her the baby was friend #1's. Friend #2 (the freak-out-ee) mentioned that "everyone" (as in our HS friends, I assume) thought I'd be the first to marry and have kids. And, no. Definitely not. I did not bring up our childless state with anyone, and it was rather pleasant to avoid any indepth or emotional conversations about it. Avoidance? Or moving on? I don't really know.

We had dinner with friends who are expecting their second baby - they had not intended to have more than one, but apparently decided shortly after #1 was born to go for #2. She had gotten pregnant with #1 on the first go-round (this was when I was just figuring out that something. wasn't. right.), and getting #2 going was apparently just as easy. It's interesting - she is very short of patience (IMO) and seems to not really enjoy taking care of small people. It will be interesting to see how that evolves as her kids get older. Anyway - I was surprised they decided to have a 2nd, and a bit sad to see how short she can sometimes be with her 2.5 year old (admittedly, one of THE most challenging ages for most kids).

We also enjoyed seeing our niece & nephew a few times - they are now 9 (!) and 7 (!!) and are morphing into really fun kids. They're still silly, of course, but they are a lot of fun to hang out with. I had a good time asking them about school and friends and football and scouts and everything else. One of my favorites was when our niece said that something was "odd" (funny word choice for a 9 year old) and also when she used the word "peculiar" in a sentence. :)

I now have 1.5 weeks left in winter break, and...let's just say my to-do list was a bit ambitious. I'm revisiting my goals this morning, as I ease back in to work, and I hope to at least get some things started so it is easier to finish them once the semester starts.

It's good to be home - the shower has more elbow room, the mugs for coffee are much bigger, and the house is definitely better-insulated. But it was also a bit sad to leave my parents - even though we'll be back in April (yay, work trips). Time to get back into the swing of things...

Grumbling

We head out of town tomorrow to go visit my side of the family. We'll spend almost a week with my parents - the longest we have been there in a looong time. I sincerely hope it goes well and that no one wants to kill anyone else by the time next Wednesday (ahem, 4 AM next Wednesday) rolls around.

I'm feeling grumpy today about my diabetes. I normally just suck it up and deal, even if in my head I'm rolling my eyes and thinking "seriously, why me?" It's now second nature to me to calculate the carbs in whatever, even though I know that no matter what I do - no matter how carefully I track what I eat - I *still* cannot predict what my fasting sugars will be. I can eat the same exact thing two nights in a row and my sugars will be 20 points apart in the morning.

Anyway. Those frustrations aside, I do usually suck it up. But recently I've been more annoyed by it than before.

Issue #1 - my mother in law. *sigh* I think I've written here that she was diagnosed with diabetes last winter. Not terribly surprising - she is not a small woman, and quite frankly, their diet sucked. She used to put sugar (~1/4 cup) on the salad. Yes, the salad. I could never figure out why having a 1/2 plate of salad with dinner would result in really high fasting sugars the next day. Ahem. Apparently, sugar on your salad does NOT lead to a low fasting sugar. Go figure! Anyway, since she was diagnosed she has taken an extreme approach to her diet. At first - thanks to her idiot of a primary physician - she ate only fruits and vegetables. No protein. No complex carbs. After I and her other DIL found this out, and got her to ask for a referral to a diabetes nurse educator, she did add protein and some carbs back in. But she *still* takes a holier-than-thou approach to eating...and it drives. me. nuts. This year's comment, when my husband said that I'd been baking and asked what she was doing? "I don't think a diabetic should bake." To which I want to reply, bite me!

Issue #2 - One of my tests of kidney function fluctuates wildly. Apparently it is affected by vigorous exercise. So, here you have my least favorite DM-related catch-22: vigorous exercise helps keep my body weight down and my fasting sugars lower, to say nothing of the mental health benefits. However, vigorous exercise ALSO raises this test value into the not-good range. I work out vigorously for at least an hour 6 days a week. Including all week days. So any day that I am going to get my blood drawn, it's likely that this result will be high. Anyway. Two recent values were high, which means I have bought myself a 24 hour urine collection. :P I know it's nothing major - really, it's not the end of the world, not nearly - but it's just annoying.

Issue #3 - We're going to visit my parents. My mother also has dm, as does my brother. (Yay, bad genetics.) My *father* (note: the one nuclear family member without dm) feels the need to weigh in our dietary and lifestyle choices. He does this with my mother, especially, which drives me NUTS on her behalf.

So I'm going to have to work on biting my tongue and sucking it up.

Bits and pieces

Wow, my 100th post. Weird. I know I'm trying to post more but it still doesn't seem as though I've written THAT much here.

Random thoughts at the end of a semester that was more brain-draining than I realized...

• Huh. I really like teaching. I don't know if I am GOOD at it yet, but I enjoy the interactions with the students, figuring out how best to present the information, figuring out whether they've learned anything, etc. This is reassuring to me - I worried that I would actually hate the teaching part of my job, since it was the area in which I had the least experience. (Which would be, ahem, NO experience.)
• I am on a baking binge. I am hoping to try a soft sugar cookie this afternoon to make up for the fact that my last experiment went horribly awry. I look at the pictures of the cookies and just laugh and laugh and laugh. Because mine look NOTHING like the picture. Usually I'm in the ballpark. Not. Even. Close.
• My mother in law - again - is driving me batty. She has this holier-than-thou attitude with the diabetes that makes me insane. So, last time we were up there, it was about her fasting sugars. Which, admittedly, are good (in the 80s). Then, of course, she asked ME about mine. I can't lie - never have been able to - so I said that mine fluctuated between 100-120. This is actually good for a diabetic - and my post-meal spikes aren't that high, so I wind up having a really decent A1C. HOWEVER - she clearly interpreted this as a win for her.
  
• Anyway - sorry this is now 2 bullets - my husband commented that I had been baking and making Christmas cookies. Her response? "Oh, I don't think *diabetics* should be baking cookies." And then my head exploded. The thing is, I don't know if this is conscious on her part or not. And I have no idea why she would do it consciously. At the same time, these types of responses and comments are part of a larger pattern of behavior - one in which she always - ALWAYS - comes out ahead, smelling like roses. I have a very hard time ignoring that.
  
• I'm still going to make the damn cookies.
  
• I spent an hour on the phone this morning with a financial representative, working on moving some old retirement accounts. Then I spent another hour on the phone with an old friend and mentor. I also spent an hour on the phone last night with my childhood best friend. And I have to go to the holiday get-together for my husband's department tonight. This is waaaay too much interaction with other people. My introverted head might explode again, thanks to all of the talking and questions and answers and...agh! My goal for tomorrow is not to talk to anyone. This might be difficult, though, seeing as I have a meeting at 11:30, and I need to finish some shopping.
  
• Winter break is already going too fast. We're 3 days in to week 1 and I feel like I have accomplished nothing. Well, some non-diabetic baking, and clearly a little bit of blog-writing, but nothing else. *sigh*
• I had my first massage yesterday. It was actually very enjoyable. No talking- well, minimal talking - and no exposure, but I clearly carry my tension in my back and shoulders. Ow. I'm still a little sore today, but it's a good sore.
  

OK, back to work. Or maybe baking.

Whirlwind

Ha, I almost typed "Whirlwine", which sounds like a lot more fun than a whirlwind. Which is what I've been caught up in the last week and a half. End of classes, start of holiday parties, grading grading grading, all-day meetings before our grades are handed in (seriously, what?), oh, and right! the holidays. Excuse me while I go curl up under a blanket somewhere.

While I've been stretched to the limit, and seemingly losing brain cells by the minute, I've also been hit - again - by our childless state. It's getting easier - I think - every year. But still - every time I open cards from family and friends, there is a picture of the kid or kids. Or the grown-up kids. Or the grandkids. There is some reminder that (nearly) everyone we know, who wants to have kids, has kids. Which leads to our current discussion (ahem) regarding cards. N wants to do a photo card or letter. I would rather do a postcard or simple card. His take is that we have a lot to talk about- vacations! jobs! dog! - and my take is that nothing's changed (for once), other than the fact that we took a vacation! [Side note: we have been together almost 8 years - and this is the FIRST year that neither of us has moved or changed jobs. Sometimes all 3 in one year. I think this is a worthy accomplishment on our parts, but I think it can be summed up with one sentence on the cards: For the first time in 8 years, we are living in the same house, with the same jobs, as when we wrote you last year. We will attempt to re-create this feat for next year's card, as well. Happy Holidays.]

Anyway. I don't think anyone really wants to read about the double-income-no-kids weirdos who live in the Midwest with their dog that they talk entirely too much about and their big house that is way too big for two people and ... yeah. Huh. Maybe I worry too much about what people think. Although I think I've known that for a long time.

I've also had the fun - um, well, maybe not 'fun', exactly - of being called out as style-less TWICE in the last week. At holiday parties. With my colleagues. Um, yay? At the first get-together, I complimented a colleague on her knee-high boots, then commented that I don't think I could pull them off because they would require wearing either skinny pants (I don't -do- skinny pants) or skirts (I don't do skirts in -winter-, particularly 'round these parts). Her reply: "Oh, yes, you could! You know, you would be the perfect candidate for What Not to Wear!" Me: jaw drops. Other people: nervous laughter, not sure how to respond.

Second instance - with the same person at yesterday's event: She apologizes, I accept (even though, admittedly, it did sting). We're standing in line, and one of our bosses is ahead of us, with two other people from our department. We're not paying attention to her conversation, until she turns partway around and says "I'm surrounded by the three most stylish people I know!" Then she looks at me and says "Not you, no offense." Me: tries not to let jaw drop and/ or tears come.

Here's the thing: I have NEVER been a stylish person. I know this. I can't decorate houses, and I certainly can't decorate myself. I count myself lucky if my clothes kinda sorta fit, and if I'm wearing earrings. Oh, and if I have pants on when I leave the house. That's a good day. I am just not good at putting "looks" together, whether for me or for a living room. And here I thought that my brain - and the fact that I work in academia - would speak louder than my clothing choices. I guess not.

So, yay for the holidays. Right now I admit I'm feeling rather grinchy - not at all able to keep the holiday spirit from a few weeks ago going. I feel beaten down by work, sleep-deprived, and grouchy. I keep saying to myself, if I can only get through x, I'll be better off. All week my goal has been getting through tomorrow...a day-long meeting, oh joy. But I still have grading to do - and grades are DUE by Tuesday. Which means my weekend won't be as cookie-filled as I had hoped.

I guess the only thing is to move onward and upward, though. There's really no other choice - and the nuttiness has to end sometime, doesn't it?

Hindsight

We're not doing so well, maintaining the momentum from last weekend for the holiday season. Unless you count listening to Christmas music while eating breakfast on the weekend. We do well with that (no effort! lots of reward!). We are still dithering about a tree, and lights, and etc. I think I'm going to look for a table top tree or two - that way, we could have a "real" tree, and we wouldn't need to worry about putting up a big one. Especially when it's just the two of us - and we'll be gone for Christmas weekend - and then we head out of town over New Year's as well. So, stay tuned. There might be some Christmas cheer around here yet.

I was thinking the other day about what an insufferable prude I was in high school. Not sure what brought this on - maybe Facebook? - but, my goodness. I like to think I am a fairly tolerant person, in my actions if not always my thoughts. I was definitely NOT that way in high school. And I was rather smug and self-righteous, too. Part of that may have been due to the fact that I had never really failed at anything - the brief "cheating scandal" was I caught up in in 7th grade life sciences was quickly debunked (I hadn't cheated, although one member of our group had, and that meant that all of us were under suspicion for a few days...); I nearly always made the honor roll, if not the distinguished honor roll; I was a teacher's pet (and had the sucking up skills to prove it); and I was involved in as many activities as I could handle. I don't think I wasn't a nice person back then, but I hadn't had to face failure - I hadn't had the opportunity to see people in really dire straits dealing with the crappy hands they'd been dealt by life - I hadn't been exposed to the nasty, random things that happen in life.

I'm not saying my life since high school hasn't been good - it got me where I am today, and that is (in my opinion) a pretty good place. And I'm not saying that I experienced terrible failures. Anything I've had to deal with in my life has been fairly benign, compared to what many people go through. But my academic success in high school did not translate to similar success in college. I encountered professors who made me step up my game and achieve what THEY wanted me to achieve. I chose the wrong graduate program the first time around. I couldn't get a job after I graduated, for 6 long months (and then it was a temp job). I switched graduate programs, then was told at the end of my first semester that I seemed apathetic. Nothing life- or earth-shattering, but for someone who had done pretty darn well from K-12, and who thought life would continue that way, it was a bit disconcerting.

Even after I righted myself academically - now on my third swing through graduate school, I think I've done okay in that regard - it wasn't always sunshine, rainbows, and bunnies. I was rejected by several places where I wanted to work post-first-grad school. I ran into people who simply didn't like me - usually in the workplace - and there was nothing I could do about it. I was remarkably bad at having an adult social life - dating, having friends, enjoying being young. I held on to bad relationships from college way too long. Little things - that didn't all come at once. But looking back, I see that the expectations I had for myself when I graduated high school were hilariously lofty. I didn't hit many of the goals I set for myself. And yet I'm so happy with where life has taken me.

I haven't had to overcome addiction, or tragedy. I was born in a place and time that gave me more options than women have had at any time in history. I have a wonderfully supportive family. My stumbles have been just that - stumbles. I haven't fallen all the way to the bottom and pulled myself back up - yet.

But I think I have learned from my missteps along the way. When you see the worst that can happen to people and families...when you see what others have overcome, and you are ever more grateful for what you have...when you see just how easily a life can be derailed, through no fault of the person whose life has gone off track...when you see just how random and capricious and vicious the world can be... I think you come to realize that things can change in any moment. At any time, this could all be taken from me. Nothing is guaranteed. I like to think this has made me more compassionate, more aware of the world around me, more sensitive to the possibility that someone has had a much worse day-week-month-year-decade than I can ever imagine.

Of course, this doesn't mean that I'm not judgey - we've covered that. It doesn't mean that I don't have nasty thoughts when the person behind me on the bus snorts for the millionth time in 10 minutes (for the love of god, people, TISSUES). It doesn't mean that I am anywhere close to a good person (well, maybe some of the time I am a good person). But I like to think that this awareness, that has evolved over the past 18 years, is making me a better person today than I was when I was a naive, self-absorbed high schooler. At least, I hope it is.

Dreariness

Our weather today is about as disgusting as December gets around here - rain, instead of snow, and a high of 38 or 39. Bleah. It is so gross that I ran at the gym - again - instead of outside. This might be the last weekend when the temps are warm enough for an outdoor run, but I just couldn't fathom the thought of running in the pouring, wind-driven rain.

I almost titled this post "Crunch Time", forgetting that I had used that title before. Whoops! Clearly, end-of-semester tasks and requirements are on my mind. This weekend will be spent in a haze of house cleaning (as per usual), grading, and studying. I'm looking forward to next semester, when I don't have to teach classes as well as take them.

Illness seems to have hit a bunch of people, too. I overheard the woman in the office next door leaving early the other day to retrieve a kid who was throwing up at school. I promptly sanitized my hands and shut my door. Then, someone I work closely with was out all week with presumed mono. I was fortunate - never had it in high school or college, and hope never to experience it. She was completely exhausted and feeling crappy all week - not fun. And then my husband turned his run of the mill cold (the usual congestion, sore throat, + snoring like a chainsaw) into a perfed eardrum the other night. What fun to be woken up at 2 am (I get up an hour and 45 minutes later, just for the record) to my husband telling me that blood is leaking out of his ear. Eeks! He starts antibiotics today, and I hope that the other ear calms down. Poor guy. Thank goodness we don't have to fly for a few weeks.

Maybe I'll just close myself in my office with a bunch of Purell and face masks. Because, so help me, if I get sick in the next two weeks, it's going to be ugly. Two finals, two holiday gatherings for work, grading 3 assignments for the course I am teaching, and ... oh, right, doing all the OTHER things that I typically do. I guess it's time to get started.

Crunch time

As lovely as Thanksgiving was - in particular, the lack of meetings and other work-related obligations - the end of the holiday weekend means that it is crunch time for the end of the semester. I think this is why I struggle with feeling sufficient holiday spirit - in the next two weeks, I need to wrap up the classes I attend AND the class I teach, take two tests, grade three assignments, and (I'm just guessing here) talk a few students off the ledge when their final grades are not what they expected. Oh, and two holiday get-togethers for work, a potential open house for my husband's staff here at our house, not to mention Christmas shopping and cards and...

Maybe I shouldn't think about it all at once. One day at a time. I might get down to one hour at a time by December 16th. I do appreciate that there IS an endpoint. A light at the end of the tunnel. Let's hope they're Christmas lights this year - I want to keep the good feelings from the other night's concert going as long as I can!

On a totally random note, I'm extremely curious about why our neighbors walled off (and insulated, from what I can tell) a corner of their screen porch. Hm. He sided it, too. My husband's guess is pantry. My guess was cold room / canning room. They're too nice for it to be something sinister - although isn't that what the neighbors always say? :)

Starting off on the right foot

I'm hopeful that my efforts to de-Grinchify this year are off to a good start. We went to a holiday concert last night - on a WORK night, at 7 pm! (we're such crazy people) - and it was super awesome. There was an orchestra, and some beautiful singing, and then they had us sing along. So. Much. Fun. Now I want the Christmas CDs in the car, so I can sing along when I have the car (which is not that often).

We also managed to catch Gnomeo and Juliet on TV Saturday night, after a full day of watching college football. I could probably watch football or basketball all the time, but my husband is not as enthralled with watching teams that he doesn't really care about. So we try to find a balance. Anyway - he found the movie while I was cleaning up from dinner, and we kept it on. It was hilarious - the perfect ending to a lazy, chilly, rainy day on a holiday weekend.

I have three more weeks in the semester, including finals week. This year will be a bit more complicated, as I have to balance grading and feedback for my own students with two finals for classes I am taking. My students are collectively freaking out about the paper due Friday, and they have another big project due next week. I have a feeling I'll be spending a lot of time answering panicked emails this week. On the other hand, I don't have to teach next semester, so I'll have more time to put into my own projects. And, wow - only three weeks left in the semester. At the beginning of each one, I think we're never going to reach the end. Then we hit week 3 or 4, time speeds up, and before I know it we're posting final grades.

I'm ready for our winter break, but also realize it will be a busy time for me. Catching up on papers and projects that have been on the back burner all semester, and trying to find some time to clean up and organize around the house. Oh, and going to see my family for 5 days. And if I'm going to maintain our momentum for being in the holiday spirit, I should probably think about decorations and lights and a tree and...maybe I'll just start with the Christmas music.

De-Grinchifying

We had a lovely, quiet Thanksgiving with friends and family, which went much better than I expected. Just goes to show that my anticipatory anxiety over how these sorts of things will go usually doesn't lead to bad outcomes. Whew.

We are still working our way through leftovers - one drawback of not having kids, I think. :) I also indulged my husband and made him a couple of his favorites on Friday that were not on the menu for Thursday. I indulged myself, as well, since one of my favorite activities is cooking, and I didn't get to do nearly as much of that on Thurs as I had hoped.

And now we move into the Christmas season. And I have to be honest, the last few years I have been exceptionally Grinchy. I think it has something to do with balancing the end-of-semester insanity / sleep deprivation / grading with having holiday cheer. I do think that we are at a disadvantage, not having kids. We don't have to put up a tree - the dog doesn't care either way. We don't even have to give presents to each other - in fact, this is another year in which we've already given each other our gifts, leaving nothing to open on Christmas itself. We don't go to church, so we miss out on the Advent build up.

Despite my recent history, I'm going to make an effort to be less Grinchy this season. We are going to a Christmas concert tonight by a big name group. There will be singing along, and a visit from Santa. Given the size of our town, there will probably be people we know there. And there are other fun things starting up next weekend - some of which I hope to actually DO this year.

One difficulty is that my husband and I feed off of each other's Grinchiness. We'll make plans to go to a concert (one for which we do not need to buy tickets in advance; hence, we're not obligated to go), and then cancel them last-minute. We'll talk about putting up a tree - artificial or real - and then time will get away from us and it's the weekend before Christmas and neither of us feels like taking the time. Breaking out of that cycle will take some work, but I think it's do-able. I need to start by changing my attitude, which may be easier said than done. On the other hand, recognizing my lack of holiday spirit in the last few years, and vowing to make an effort to change that, is probably the first step.

Please note, however, that these steps do NOT include going to the mall. At all. I hope. I'm not that nuts.