Living in Flyover Country

Busy busy busy

2012-01-30T07:25:00.000-08:00

I have been so ridiculously busy the last few weeks, and haven't had time to post. It is the usual beginning-of-the-semester insanity, coupled with a quick trip to California while my husband was there for work. I've never done that before, and we decided that this was the year we were going to take advantage of our childless state and multiple work trips and accompany each other whenever we could.

And boy, was I glad I did, even though I came back last week at least as stressed as when I left...if not more so. :)

His work trip was in southern CA, so while he worked hard on Saturday, I went to DisneyLand for the first time in many, many years. The last time I was there, I was with a friend whose annual work party was held there, which I thought was pretty excellent. This year, I went alone on Saturday and then with my husband on Sunday.

I am quite used to doing things alone - and, obviously, without children - but I did have a few experiences while in CA that made me wish that people could be more understanding / sensitive to people who are alone. Both times I had lunch without my husband - Friday, after I arrived, and Saturday, before I went in the park - I was ignored by the hostess as I approached the stand, until I said "I would like to have lunch." No greeting, no asking if I would like a table. And then, after I said that, BOTH hostesses said "Oh, just for one?" Well, yes - I am alone AND I would like to eat, as odd as that may seem!

Another instance occurred in the line for the last ride I rode by myself on Saturday. The line was loooong and people were restless, and when I got to the front, I was told to stand aside (on the line side of the turnstile) and let through a group of six. So I stood there, being bumped and jostled not only by the 6 people, but by the turnstile. The guy was...not helpful, and not pleasant, and it was so odd to see that at a park famed for its friendliness.

That aside, we had a lovely time on Sunday, despite crowds and insane children running around, and my husband's motion sickness. He rode a few rides with me and did quite well, though, so I have high hopes that he might be able to do other rides at other parks. I did okay with the whole no-kids thing, even though we were SURROUNDED by small children. Which, duh - we were at Disney - I kind of knew that would happen. My husband, apparently, has a soft spot for little girls who go all-out dressing up like their favorite princesses. It made me a little sad to think of the daughters that he won't get to spoil with princess dresses and hats and balloons and movies and... maybe that's okay, too. :>

I have another trip in a week and a half, and have to get moving on a LOT of work stuff this week. He's gone at the same time, again, so we'll have chaos for a week or so. But I do need to get back here and write more often...

Kicked to the curb

2012-01-18T04:40:00.000-08:00

Despite my talk about living the lives we have, and moving past the pain of infertility and subsequently living childfree, there are still moments that throw me.

One such moment occurred the other day, when I had a series of separate email exchanges with my parents.

My dad emailed about something else, then commented at the end of his email that my mother had mentioned getting another computer and she'd like to put it in my old room; he thought it was a good idea, and what did I think? I responded that we had chatted about it during our visit, and that I thought that room was a good choice, she should get a desktop or a full-function laptop, etc. I even suggested a location within the room - in the corner where, for the last 9 years, my mother has had a crib.

A crib. I'll just let that sink in a minute.

My mother purchased a crib - a very nice crib, mind you - when my SIL was pregnant with my niece. They didn't have much money when we were babies, so my brother and I, while we were obviously well-cared-for, did not sleep in designer cribs with matching sheets and crib (bed?) skirt. So mom indulged herself - and the baby (and later, her brother) had a lovely place to sleep when visiting.

Four years ago, I thought that eventually we'd be putting our own baby to sleep in that crib.

We all know that didn't happen. We didn't even come close. And since we stopped trying - stopped pursuing treatment - it's been harder and harder to visit and see that empty crib in the corner. This last visit, mom was using it as a catch-all for the yard sale stuff that we found throughout the house. I used it as a place to drape some of my clothes. And my husband commented that it sure was weird to sleep in a room with an empty and unused crib.

So, when I suggested that the computer could be placed in that room, in the corner where the crib was located, I never thought I'd get this response from my dad, one day later:

"We took the crib down in your room [side note: I haven't lived at home for more than 18 years; I think it's kind of cute that it's still "my" room.] and put it out on the curb. Hope someone takes it - it's a nice crib and barely used."

Ouch.

My mom said something similar in a later email, then commented that evening that someone had taken the crib after only an hour. "And it was in good shape - barely a tooth mark!"

Ouch, again.

Given my thoughts when seeing the crib in my old room - that they should just take it DOWN, already - I was surprised at how much it hurt to be told that they had disposed of the crib so blithely. It just reminded me that we don't and never will have a child who will sleep at his or her grandparents' houses. We'll never need to sneak the baby off to a quiet room for a nap after a day full of fun times with family and friends. We'll never have to be super duper quiet when going to bed at my parents' house, since the baby would be sleeping in the same room.

I imagine that I'll get over this soon, but for now, it still really hurts.

Incomplete thoughts

2012-01-14T04:42:00.001-08:00

After I posted yesterday, I realized that I had not really completed my thoughts about why I prefer to keep a low profile online and in real life, as someone living childfree after infertility.

And it's a reason that I've written about before, here. Because we chose to stop after the IUIs, due to the financial and emotional implications of pursuing further medical treatment. Because there *wasn't* a good explanation for why I wasn't pregnant - why the treatments we had tried weren't successful. Because we didn't go all-out.

Among infertility bloggers, this embarrasses me. I don't know if "embarrasses" is really the RIGHT word, but it's the best I've come up with so far. When I read about others who have been in our shoes, who have gone to the ends of the earth to have their child(ren), who have taken the risks and come out on the other side with what they wanted SO badly... well, then I feel like a failure. Like we didn't want it badly enough. Like my concerns about my emotional and mental health; the health of our marriage; my professional life; and my physical health were tiny hurdles that we could have vaulted if we had only wanted it enough. My parents offered financial assistance. We live near the only infertility treatment center in the state. I had insurance that would have allowed at least one IVF attempt. And we still stepped off and decided this was what we had to do.

And it's funny how that decision skews my perspective sometimes. Whenever I have a long day at work...whenever I am impatient or annoyed by a small child...whenever we have popcorn for dinner... I think, maybe it was for the best that we didn't have children. Then I see my husband playing with a child...I see our niece and nephew...I get to hold a friend's four-month-old and put him to sleep (I have skills in that area, apparently)...and I think, maybe we should have gone one. Maybe we should have just tried that one IVF cycle. Maybe we still could.

But I know that we are not going to do that. At least not now. We're going to live the lives that we have chosen - without biological children. We're going to do our best to make our marriage strong, to have fulfilling jobs and happy lives outside of work. We're going to try to make a difference in the world. And I am going to work on owning our decision - not being embarrassed by it.

Why aren't there more of us?

2012-01-13T14:40:00.000-08:00

The inimitable Loribeth posted recently about why there aren't more bloggers who write about living childfree after infertility. (Actual post is here.) And it got me thinking, why *aren't* there more of us?

I write about living child free after infertility, but I don't really advertise that I do. I tend not to comment on other peoples' blogs. I have not emailed the Stirrup Queen to add my blog to her roll. I don't allow (at least, I don't think I allow) my blog to be found via Google, etc. Part of this is because of my profession; part of it is because I am a very private person; and part of it is that I do not want people judging me, my husband, and our choices through their own lenses.

I think it is very difficult to go "public" as someone who has chosen to live childfree after infertility. It is still very difficult for me to "come out" to friends / relatives / college classmates (i.e. people I know in real life) as someone who has a) experienced infertility, and b) chosen not to pursue all possible options.

I even find it difficult when my husband answers peoples' questions as if we chose, all along, to be childfree. I don't think I wrote about this here - it occurred this summer, during All The Travel and The Not Blogging. We were with friends from my husband's college - we do this every summer - and taking a picture of all of us. My husband is the designated photographer - he is really fantastic at it. N did something to make the kids laugh and get their focus OFF the picture-taking, and someone commented on "when will you guys have kids?" N's response - point blank - was to say "We aren't going to have kids." Stares and questioning looks all around. Now, everyone was too polite to ask *why*, but the way he said it, it sounded like this was what we had chosen to do. And I'm sitting there thinking, but there's no *context*! None of these people (as far as I know) know about our infertility struggles. None of them know what we did. None of them know the choices we made, the discussions we have, the thoughts I *still* have. But I didn't say anything. Because I didn't want to get into it. I didn't want to have to defend our choices. I didn't want to have to listen to anyone suggesting adoption or foster care or other medical options.

And that is kind of why I keep a low profile online, as well. I like reading other peoples' blogs; I'm less enthused about putting myself and my blog out there. Plus, I don't always focus on living childfree. Sure, it comes up, but less often than it used to. More often, I think I'm writing about living childfree in the context of living the rest of my life.

Anyway. So those are my thoughts. Sorry for the incoherence and rambling -it's what most of my emails have sounded like today, too. Pity the poor people who receive those. ;)

Going to the movies

2012-01-09T07:33:00.000-08:00

Well, we didn't *go* to the movies. We sat on our couch (correction: I was using my foam roller at the time, so I was on the floor and my husband was on the couch) and used Apple TV to watch previews (best part of the movies!) and then watch a movie. We chose One Day, which came out last year and was (if I recall correctly) panned as a vapid chick flick. Side note: I *like* vapid chick flicks. I also like animated movies and kids' movies. I like romantic comedies and comedies in general. I don't like to be depressed when I am watching a movie. We watched something...The American? With George Clooney? Anyway, that was last winter, I believe, and it was ridiculously depressing. Since then I've kind of put a moratorium on depressing movies. Real life is stressful enough - I would like to escape into the movies, thanks.

Anyway, we watched One Day. It has Anne Hathaway in it and some guy. ;) Her accent was interesting to me - I always wonder what those who have the accent in question think of someone putting it on for a movie like they might change their shirts. I was amused by the outfits and hair and GLASSES as the movie brought us forward in time from 1988 until the present. It was reasonably entertaining, and I thought all was good.

Until the last 15 minutes. And it wasn't even the twist (don't worry, no BIG spoilers here) that got me. It was what came before. She has finally met / married the man she is "meant" to be with, who has a child from a previous relationship (okay, a minor spoiler there). There's an emotional shot where she turns to her husband and says "I want a baby with the man I love." And I thought, oh, dear. Sure enough, fast forward a year, and we learn that she is not yet pregnant. We learn this because she storms off from the bathroom, leaving her husband behind, and says "In case you were wondering, I'm not pregnant." All I could think was, I have so totally said that, and in that exact tone of voice. It was the tone of voice I'd get after my period came, again. It was the tone of voice I'd get when another pee-on-a-stick moment turned into a big fat negative. It was the tone of voice I'd get when yet another friend would announce her pregnancy (usually on the very day I got my period).

I don't think my husband noticed. But, much like Up, I felt like the whiff of infertility and (biological) childlessness that infiltrated this movie came completely out of nowhere and slapped me in the face. In some ways, that mirrors my own experience. I was healthy, with no medical conditions*, and no red flags that would indicate an inability to get pregnant**. I was told by three health care providers that I should have "no problems" getting pregnant***. No reason to think that a baby isn't going to follow relatively soon after we start trying. Until it doesn't. And it won't. Despite our (ahem) efforts, and those of others.

* Of course, during all of the infertility crap, I was diagnosed with diabetes. Dammit. I still waffle on my attitude towards that. Option A (a.k.a., the good health care provider perspective): Gee, I'm glad I was diagnosed, so I can take good care of myself and prevent future problems! Option B (a.k.a., the whiny perspective): Really? Seriously? A chronic condition that I don't want, and that I can't control well no matter what I do? Dammit.

** No history of endometriosis, PCOS, irregular periods, etc. My mother was on Clomid when she got pregnant with my brother, but she got pregnant with me without really trying.

*** First, my GYN NP. Next, the midwife (!) I consulted the month we started trying, since I was trying to be a good patient and follow the rules for pre-conception care. And finally, the department head who did my surgery and said everything looked fine, my tubes were in good shape, and I should have no problems getting pregnant.

It just reminded me that this is never far from my consciousness, at least not yet. I sincerely doubt it affected my husband as it affected me. But it got me thinking about it, yet again, and reminded me that I am still working through all of the ramifications of living childfree not-by-choice.

2011 in review

2012-01-06T05:21:00.000-08:00

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
Traveled to Japan; attained premier status as a frequent flyer (flier?); taught a class solo; took on chairmanship of a small group in one of my professional organizations.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Um, I don't usually make new year's resolutions. In general, I like to start the new year as I mean to go on. Moderation in (most) things, enjoying my life, and striving to become a better person.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, classmates from high school and friends of my husband's from college. And all of the babies are appropriately adorable.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Just before New Year's, my childhood best friend's grandmother died. That may seem like a stretch, but we didn't have involved grandparents growing up, and she was a wonderful role model. Also, a former patient of mine died unexpectedly at age 22.

5. What countries did you visit?
Japan and Canada.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you didn’t have in 2011?
Skin that behaves; regular massages; and peace with the decisions I make.

7. What dates from 2011 will be etched upon your memory, and why?

I don't have any particular dates etched in memory, although the end of May was memorable for our vacation.

8. What was your biggest achievement of this year?
At least partially managing to keep all of the balls in the air as I learn to juggle the multiple responsibilities of my job. It's a constant challenge, and I am desperately seeking ways to help me stay organized an on top of all of the different facets of "what I do". I also think that I've lost some of my defensiveness at being childless, but I'm not sure that's permanent (or even obvious to others).

9. What was your biggest failure?
Hm. I did not lose weight, as I have hoped to do for the past several years. I lost my patience more than I should. And I got frustrated more easily, perhaps due to sleep deprivation and stress.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Normal colds, for the most part.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
E-books, by far. Well, I guess the iPad that facilitated those purchases, as well.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Zach Wahls.

http://youtu.be/FSQQK2Vuf9Q

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Jerry Sandusky. Bernie Fields. Anyone and everyone who abuses others, particularly children.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Apparently, cell phones (per my husband's comment the other day). That and the mortgage. We did get rid of one car payment in 2011 by selling his car, so that helped.

15. What did you get really excited about?

My work trips; presentations at national and international conferences; possibilities for work and home life.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
The goofy songs I heard at the gym, which is the only place where I hear "current" songs. "Raise your Glass" is one of them. Also anything by Adele.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

a) happier

b) the same (although I think stronger, as I've been lifting weights)

c) richer, I think

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
RELAXING. For the love of god, I need to learn to take some time for myself, my husband, and our dog.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Stressing out about things I can't control. It's a chronic problem, though.

20. How will you spend Christmas?
We spent Christmas Eve and Day with my in-laws. Then we spent New Year's with my side of the family.

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?
I still love my husband. And I fell in love with my iPad. :)

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Big Bang Theory. Any show that makes me laugh til I snort on a consistent basis is a keeper. Also, college basketball and football, and the NFL.

23. What was the best book you read?
Um...I'm in the middle of the Game of Thrones series, and those are pretty much the ONLY books I've read this year. *hangs head in shame*

24. What was your greatest musical discovery?
My husband tends to make these for me. I can't really remember what he found for me this year. Adele was on several compilations.

25. What did you want and get?
I wanted an iPad, I got an iPad. I also got several grants at work, so that's all good.

26. What did you want and not get?

Hm. I've been pretty lucky. Maybe casual boots that can be worn with jeans or slacks? I'm still on the hunt.

27. What was your favorite film of 2011?
(Ahem, nerd alert.) Note by Note - a documentary on the making of a Steinway concert grand. Seriously. It's awesome. Also, Up (I think we saw that this year) and Cars. (What? I like movies with minimal drama.)

28. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was (sigh) 36. We didn't do a lot - I don't care to make my birthday a big celebration. But I was a bit sad because neither my college roommate nor my childhood best friend called me ON my birthday.

29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I'm not sure. More patience on my part. The ability to take 3 deep breaths and THEN react. Better time management. Better organization.

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept of 2011?
"Trying to wear pants that fit." I succeed about 33% of the time. Let's just say that I have been threatened with "What Not to Wear" nominations by more than one individual.

31. What kept you sane?
Our puppy. My husband. Living in a place I love, with minimal stress related to the nitty-gritty of living life.

32. What political issue stirred you the most?
For the love of Pete, any issue on which someone wants to dictate how others live their lives. My marriage is certainly not threatened by two women or two men who want to get married. And seriously? Keep your hands off of my reproductive organs and my choices in that area.

33. Who did you miss?
My family. We only see them 2-3 times a year.

34. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

Things are never as bad as they seem. Sometimes jumping in and trying is better than overthinking. And we all need to slow down sometimes.

35. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

I am super terrible at song lyrics. I am going to take a bye on this one.

Home again, home again

2012-01-05T05:24:00.000-08:00

Jiggity jig!

I love visiting my parents, but my goodness, was it nice to come home yesterday. As a bonus, we have been having unseasonably warm temperatures and NO SNOW as yet (this is very odd) so we had a beautiful sunny day to fly, and no travel issues. I think we have used up our good travel karma, though, so I anticipate major issues when we head to CA in a few weeks.

We had a good visit, although it's hard to see my parents getting older. They are not *old*, in my opinion, but they are definitely slowing down a bit. My dad will be going down to 4 days/week at work this year, and my mom is having some major sciatica issues. She has always been one of those moms who never stops moving, and to see her having pain primarily when she gets up in the morning is really hard. They still live in their three-story-with-a-basement house, though, and I saw no reason to be concerned about their ability to get around the house and get things done. And my mother still throws a really excellent party. We had a good time - saw family, friends, and just hung out most of the time.

It was better than the last few years, too, because hardly anyone mentioned children and why we don't have them. I had mentioned to my mother and my childhood best friend (whose mother is my mother's best friend...I know, convoluted and connected) that they could and should tell people that we are not able to have children. And I think they might have, as very few people brought it up (ahem, maternal aunt). But the weird thing is, I hate to bring up our infertility issues even with my mom and CBF. So I have never *asked* them whether they have shared that information with anyone, and if so, with whom. This leaves me wondering a) who knows, b) whether the additional communication (assuming it has happened) has led to a decrease in the number of people nosily asking about our reproductive status, or c) whether people have just given up as we get older and our childless state becomes more a function of our age.

Holding a friend's 4 month old (I love ages 4-9 months), the mom mentioned that I should freak out another friend by not telling her the baby was friend #1's. Friend #2 (the freak-out-ee) mentioned that "everyone" (as in our HS friends, I assume) thought I'd be the first to marry and have kids. And, no. Definitely not. I did not bring up our childless state with anyone, and it was rather pleasant to avoid any indepth or emotional conversations about it. Avoidance? Or moving on? I don't really know.

We had dinner with friends who are expecting their second baby - they had not intended to have more than one, but apparently decided shortly after #1 was born to go for #2. She had gotten pregnant with #1 on the first go-round (this was when I was just figuring out that something. wasn't. right.), and getting #2 going was apparently just as easy. It's interesting - she is very short of patience (IMO) and seems to not really enjoy taking care of small people. It will be interesting to see how that evolves as her kids get older. Anyway - I was surprised they decided to have a 2nd, and a bit sad to see how short she can sometimes be with her 2.5 year old (admittedly, one of THE most challenging ages for most kids).

We also enjoyed seeing our niece & nephew a few times - they are now 9 (!) and 7 (!!) and are morphing into really fun kids. They're still silly, of course, but they are a lot of fun to hang out with. I had a good time asking them about school and friends and football and scouts and everything else. One of my favorites was when our niece said that something was "odd" (funny word choice for a 9 year old) and also when she used the word "peculiar" in a sentence. :)

I now have 1.5 weeks left in winter break, and...let's just say my to-do list was a bit ambitious. I'm revisiting my goals this morning, as I ease back in to work, and I hope to at least get some things started so it is easier to finish them once the semester starts.

It's good to be home - the shower has more elbow room, the mugs for coffee are much bigger, and the house is definitely better-insulated. But it was also a bit sad to leave my parents - even though we'll be back in April (yay, work trips). Time to get back into the swing of things...

Grumbling

2011-12-28T14:58:00.000-08:00

We head out of town tomorrow to go visit my side of the family. We'll spend almost a week with my parents - the longest we have been there in a looong time. I sincerely hope it goes well and that no one wants to kill anyone else by the time next Wednesday (ahem, 4 AM next Wednesday) rolls around.

I'm feeling grumpy today about my diabetes. I normally just suck it up and deal, even if in my head I'm rolling my eyes and thinking "seriously, why me?" It's now second nature to me to calculate the carbs in whatever, even though I know that no matter what I do - no matter how carefully I track what I eat - I *still* cannot predict what my fasting sugars will be. I can eat the same exact thing two nights in a row and my sugars will be 20 points apart in the morning.

Anyway. Those frustrations aside, I do usually suck it up. But recently I've been more annoyed by it than before.

Issue #1 - my mother in law. *sigh* I think I've written here that she was diagnosed with diabetes last winter. Not terribly surprising - she is not a small woman, and quite frankly, their diet sucked. She used to put sugar (~1/4 cup) on the salad. Yes, the salad. I could never figure out why having a 1/2 plate of salad with dinner would result in really high fasting sugars the next day. Ahem. Apparently, sugar on your salad does NOT lead to a low fasting sugar. Go figure! Anyway, since she was diagnosed she has taken an extreme approach to her diet. At first - thanks to her idiot of a primary physician - she ate only fruits and vegetables. No protein. No complex carbs. After I and her other DIL found this out, and got her to ask for a referral to a diabetes nurse educator, she did add protein and some carbs back in. But she *still* takes a holier-than-thou approach to eating...and it drives. me. nuts. This year's comment, when my husband said that I'd been baking and asked what she was doing? "I don't think a diabetic should bake." To which I want to reply, bite me!

Issue #2 - One of my tests of kidney function fluctuates wildly. Apparently it is affected by vigorous exercise. So, here you have my least favorite DM-related catch-22: vigorous exercise helps keep my body weight down and my fasting sugars lower, to say nothing of the mental health benefits. However, vigorous exercise ALSO raises this test value into the not-good range. I work out vigorously for at least an hour 6 days a week. Including all week days. So any day that I am going to get my blood drawn, it's likely that this result will be high. Anyway. Two recent values were high, which means I have bought myself a 24 hour urine collection. :P I know it's nothing major - really, it's not the end of the world, not nearly - but it's just annoying.

Issue #3 - We're going to visit my parents. My mother also has dm, as does my brother. (Yay, bad genetics.) My *father* (note: the one nuclear family member without dm) feels the need to weigh in our dietary and lifestyle choices. He does this with my mother, especially, which drives me NUTS on her behalf.

So I'm going to have to work on biting my tongue and sucking it up.

Bits and pieces

2011-12-21T09:46:00.000-08:00

Wow, my 100th post. Weird. I know I'm trying to post more but it still doesn't seem as though I've written THAT much here.

Random thoughts at the end of a semester that was more brain-draining than I realized...

Huh. I really like teaching. I don't know if I am GOOD at it yet, but I enjoy the interactions with the students, figuring out how best to present the information, figuring out whether they've learned anything, etc. This is reassuring to me - I worried that I would actually hate the teaching part of my job, since it was the area in which I had the least experience. (Which would be, ahem, NO experience.)
I am on a baking binge. I am hoping to try a soft sugar cookie this afternoon to make up for the fact that my last experiment went horribly awry. I look at the pictures of the cookies and just laugh and laugh and laugh. Because mine look NOTHING like the picture. Usually I'm in the ballpark. Not. Even. Close.
My mother in law - again - is driving me batty. She has this holier-than-thou attitude with the diabetes that makes me insane. So, last time we were up there, it was about her fasting sugars. Which, admittedly, are good (in the 80s). Then, of course, she asked ME about mine. I can't lie - never have been able to - so I said that mine fluctuated between 100-120. This is actually good for a diabetic - and my post-meal spikes aren't that high, so I wind up having a really decent A1C. HOWEVER - she clearly interpreted this as a win for her.
Anyway - sorry this is now 2 bullets - my husband commented that I had been baking and making Christmas cookies. Her response? "Oh, I don't think *diabetics* should be baking cookies." And then my head exploded. The thing is, I don't know if this is conscious on her part or not. And I have no idea why she would do it consciously. At the same time, these types of responses and comments are part of a larger pattern of behavior - one in which she always - ALWAYS - comes out ahead, smelling like roses. I have a very hard time ignoring that.
I'm still going to make the damn cookies.
I spent an hour on the phone this morning with a financial representative, working on moving some old retirement accounts. Then I spent another hour on the phone with an old friend and mentor. I also spent an hour on the phone last night with my childhood best friend. And I have to go to the holiday get-together for my husband's department tonight. This is waaaay too much interaction with other people. My introverted head might explode again, thanks to all of the talking and questions and answers and...agh! My goal for tomorrow is not to talk to anyone. This might be difficult, though, seeing as I have a meeting at 11:30, and I need to finish some shopping.
Winter break is already going too fast. We're 3 days in to week 1 and I feel like I have accomplished nothing. Well, some non-diabetic baking, and clearly a little bit of blog-writing, but nothing else. *sigh*
I had my first massage yesterday. It was actually very enjoyable. No talking- well, minimal talking - and no exposure, but I clearly carry my tension in my back and shoulders. Ow. I'm still a little sore today, but it's a good sore.

OK, back to work. Or maybe baking.

Whirlwind

2011-12-15T14:48:00.000-08:00

Ha, I almost typed "Whirlwine", which sounds like a lot more fun than a whirlwind. Which is what I've been caught up in the last week and a half. End of classes, start of holiday parties, grading grading grading, all-day meetings before our grades are handed in (seriously, what?), oh, and right! the holidays. Excuse me while I go curl up under a blanket somewhere.

While I've been stretched to the limit, and seemingly losing brain cells by the minute, I've also been hit - again - by our childless state. It's getting easier - I think - every year. But still - every time I open cards from family and friends, there is a picture of the kid or kids. Or the grown-up kids. Or the grandkids. There is some reminder that (nearly) everyone we know, who wants to have kids, has kids. Which leads to our current discussion (ahem) regarding cards. N wants to do a photo card or letter. I would rather do a postcard or simple card. His take is that we have a lot to talk about- vacations! jobs! dog! - and my take is that nothing's changed (for once), other than the fact that we took a vacation! [Side note: we have been together almost 8 years - and this is the FIRST year that neither of us has moved or changed jobs. Sometimes all 3 in one year. I think this is a worthy accomplishment on our parts, but I think it can be summed up with one sentence on the cards: For the first time in 8 years, we are living in the same house, with the same jobs, as when we wrote you last year. We will attempt to re-create this feat for next year's card, as well. Happy Holidays.]

Anyway. I don't think anyone really wants to read about the double-income-no-kids weirdos who live in the Midwest with their dog that they talk entirely too much about and their big house that is way too big for two people and ... yeah. Huh. Maybe I worry too much about what people think. Although I think I've known that for a long time.

I've also had the fun - um, well, maybe not 'fun', exactly - of being called out as style-less TWICE in the last week. At holiday parties. With my colleagues. Um, yay? At the first get-together, I complimented a colleague on her knee-high boots, then commented that I don't think I could pull them off because they would require wearing either skinny pants (I don't -do- skinny pants) or skirts (I don't do skirts in -winter-, particularly 'round these parts). Her reply: "Oh, yes, you could! You know, you would be the perfect candidate for What Not to Wear!" Me: jaw drops. Other people: nervous laughter, not sure how to respond.

Second instance - with the same person at yesterday's event: She apologizes, I accept (even though, admittedly, it did sting). We're standing in line, and one of our bosses is ahead of us, with two other people from our department. We're not paying attention to her conversation, until she turns partway around and says "I'm surrounded by the three most stylish people I know!" Then she looks at me and says "Not you, no offense." Me: tries not to let jaw drop and/ or tears come.

Here's the thing: I have NEVER been a stylish person. I know this. I can't decorate houses, and I certainly can't decorate myself. I count myself lucky if my clothes kinda sorta fit, and if I'm wearing earrings. Oh, and if I have pants on when I leave the house. That's a good day. I am just not good at putting "looks" together, whether for me or for a living room. And here I thought that my brain - and the fact that I work in academia - would speak louder than my clothing choices. I guess not.

So, yay for the holidays. Right now I admit I'm feeling rather grinchy - not at all able to keep the holiday spirit from a few weeks ago going. I feel beaten down by work, sleep-deprived, and grouchy. I keep saying to myself, if I can only get through x, I'll be better off. All week my goal has been getting through tomorrow...a day-long meeting, oh joy. But I still have grading to do - and grades are DUE by Tuesday. Which means my weekend won't be as cookie-filled as I had hoped.

I guess the only thing is to move onward and upward, though. There's really no other choice - and the nuttiness has to end sometime, doesn't it?

Hindsight

2011-12-05T05:21:00.000-08:00

We're not doing so well, maintaining the momentum from last weekend for the holiday season. Unless you count listening to Christmas music while eating breakfast on the weekend. We do well with that (no effort! lots of reward!). We are still dithering about a tree, and lights, and etc. I think I'm going to look for a table top tree or two - that way, we could have a "real" tree, and we wouldn't need to worry about putting up a big one. Especially when it's just the two of us - and we'll be gone for Christmas weekend - and then we head out of town over New Year's as well. So, stay tuned. There might be some Christmas cheer around here yet.

I was thinking the other day about what an insufferable prude I was in high school. Not sure what brought this on - maybe Facebook? - but, my goodness. I like to think I am a fairly tolerant person, in my actions if not always my thoughts. I was definitely NOT that way in high school. And I was rather smug and self-righteous, too. Part of that may have been due to the fact that I had never really failed at anything - the brief "cheating scandal" was I caught up in in 7th grade life sciences was quickly debunked (I hadn't cheated, although one member of our group had, and that meant that all of us were under suspicion for a few days...); I nearly always made the honor roll, if not the distinguished honor roll; I was a teacher's pet (and had the sucking up skills to prove it); and I was involved in as many activities as I could handle. I don't think I wasn't a nice person back then, but I hadn't had to face failure - I hadn't had the opportunity to see people in really dire straits dealing with the crappy hands they'd been dealt by life - I hadn't been exposed to the nasty, random things that happen in life.

I'm not saying my life since high school hasn't been good - it got me where I am today, and that is (in my opinion) a pretty good place. And I'm not saying that I experienced terrible failures. Anything I've had to deal with in my life has been fairly benign, compared to what many people go through. But my academic success in high school did not translate to similar success in college. I encountered professors who made me step up my game and achieve what THEY wanted me to achieve. I chose the wrong graduate program the first time around. I couldn't get a job after I graduated, for 6 long months (and then it was a temp job). I switched graduate programs, then was told at the end of my first semester that I seemed apathetic. Nothing life- or earth-shattering, but for someone who had done pretty darn well from K-12, and who thought life would continue that way, it was a bit disconcerting.

Even after I righted myself academically - now on my third swing through graduate school, I think I've done okay in that regard - it wasn't always sunshine, rainbows, and bunnies. I was rejected by several places where I wanted to work post-first-grad school. I ran into people who simply didn't like me - usually in the workplace - and there was nothing I could do about it. I was remarkably bad at having an adult social life - dating, having friends, enjoying being young. I held on to bad relationships from college way too long. Little things - that didn't all come at once. But looking back, I see that the expectations I had for myself when I graduated high school were hilariously lofty. I didn't hit many of the goals I set for myself. And yet I'm so happy with where life has taken me.

I haven't had to overcome addiction, or tragedy. I was born in a place and time that gave me more options than women have had at any time in history. I have a wonderfully supportive family. My stumbles have been just that - stumbles. I haven't fallen all the way to the bottom and pulled myself back up - yet.

But I think I have learned from my missteps along the way. When you see the worst that can happen to people and families...when you see what others have overcome, and you are ever more grateful for what you have...when you see just how easily a life can be derailed, through no fault of the person whose life has gone off track...when you see just how random and capricious and vicious the world can be... I think you come to realize that things can change in any moment. At any time, this could all be taken from me. Nothing is guaranteed. I like to think this has made me more compassionate, more aware of the world around me, more sensitive to the possibility that someone has had a much worse day-week-month-year-decade than I can ever imagine.

Of course, this doesn't mean that I'm not judgey - we've covered that. It doesn't mean that I don't have nasty thoughts when the person behind me on the bus snorts for the millionth time in 10 minutes (for the love of god, people, TISSUES). It doesn't mean that I am anywhere close to a good person (well, maybe some of the time I am a good person). But I like to think that this awareness, that has evolved over the past 18 years, is making me a better person today than I was when I was a naive, self-absorbed high schooler. At least, I hope it is.

Dreariness

2011-12-03T05:12:00.000-08:00

Our weather today is about as disgusting as December gets around here - rain, instead of snow, and a high of 38 or 39. Bleah. It is so gross that I ran at the gym - again - instead of outside. This might be the last weekend when the temps are warm enough for an outdoor run, but I just couldn't fathom the thought of running in the pouring, wind-driven rain.

I almost titled this post "Crunch Time", forgetting that I had used that title before. Whoops! Clearly, end-of-semester tasks and requirements are on my mind. This weekend will be spent in a haze of house cleaning (as per usual), grading, and studying. I'm looking forward to next semester, when I don't have to teach classes as well as take them.

Illness seems to have hit a bunch of people, too. I overheard the woman in the office next door leaving early the other day to retrieve a kid who was throwing up at school. I promptly sanitized my hands and shut my door. Then, someone I work closely with was out all week with presumed mono. I was fortunate - never had it in high school or college, and hope never to experience it. She was completely exhausted and feeling crappy all week - not fun. And then my husband turned his run of the mill cold (the usual congestion, sore throat, + snoring like a chainsaw) into a perfed eardrum the other night. What fun to be woken up at 2 am (I get up an hour and 45 minutes later, just for the record) to my husband telling me that blood is leaking out of his ear. Eeks! He starts antibiotics today, and I hope that the other ear calms down. Poor guy. Thank goodness we don't have to fly for a few weeks.

Maybe I'll just close myself in my office with a bunch of Purell and face masks. Because, so help me, if I get sick in the next two weeks, it's going to be ugly. Two finals, two holiday gatherings for work, grading 3 assignments for the course I am teaching, and ... oh, right, doing all the OTHER things that I typically do. I guess it's time to get started.

Crunch time

2011-11-29T05:18:00.001-08:00

As lovely as Thanksgiving was - in particular, the lack of meetings and other work-related obligations - the end of the holiday weekend means that it is crunch time for the end of the semester. I think this is why I struggle with feeling sufficient holiday spirit - in the next two weeks, I need to wrap up the classes I attend AND the class I teach, take two tests, grade three assignments, and (I'm just guessing here) talk a few students off the ledge when their final grades are not what they expected. Oh, and two holiday get-togethers for work, a potential open house for my husband's staff here at our house, not to mention Christmas shopping and cards and...

Maybe I shouldn't think about it all at once. One day at a time. I might get down to one hour at a time by December 16th. I do appreciate that there IS an endpoint. A light at the end of the tunnel. Let's hope they're Christmas lights this year - I want to keep the good feelings from the other night's concert going as long as I can!

On a totally random note, I'm extremely curious about why our neighbors walled off (and insulated, from what I can tell) a corner of their screen porch. Hm. He sided it, too. My husband's guess is pantry. My guess was cold room / canning room. They're too nice for it to be something sinister - although isn't that what the neighbors always say? :)

Starting off on the right foot

2011-11-28T05:36:00.000-08:00

I'm hopeful that my efforts to de-Grinchify this year are off to a good start. We went to a holiday concert last night - on a WORK night, at 7 pm! (we're such crazy people) - and it was super awesome. There was an orchestra, and some beautiful singing, and then they had us sing along. So. Much. Fun. Now I want the Christmas CDs in the car, so I can sing along when I have the car (which is not that often).

We also managed to catch Gnomeo and Juliet on TV Saturday night, after a full day of watching college football. I could probably watch football or basketball all the time, but my husband is not as enthralled with watching teams that he doesn't really care about. So we try to find a balance. Anyway - he found the movie while I was cleaning up from dinner, and we kept it on. It was hilarious - the perfect ending to a lazy, chilly, rainy day on a holiday weekend.

I have three more weeks in the semester, including finals week. This year will be a bit more complicated, as I have to balance grading and feedback for my own students with two finals for classes I am taking. My students are collectively freaking out about the paper due Friday, and they have another big project due next week. I have a feeling I'll be spending a lot of time answering panicked emails this week. On the other hand, I don't have to teach next semester, so I'll have more time to put into my own projects. And, wow - only three weeks left in the semester. At the beginning of each one, I think we're never going to reach the end. Then we hit week 3 or 4, time speeds up, and before I know it we're posting final grades.

I'm ready for our winter break, but also realize it will be a busy time for me. Catching up on papers and projects that have been on the back burner all semester, and trying to find some time to clean up and organize around the house. Oh, and going to see my family for 5 days. And if I'm going to maintain our momentum for being in the holiday spirit, I should probably think about decorations and lights and a tree and...maybe I'll just start with the Christmas music.

De-Grinchifying

2011-11-27T05:11:00.001-08:00

We had a lovely, quiet Thanksgiving with friends and family, which went much better than I expected. Just goes to show that my anticipatory anxiety over how these sorts of things will go usually doesn't lead to bad outcomes. Whew.

We are still working our way through leftovers - one drawback of not having kids, I think. :) I also indulged my husband and made him a couple of his favorites on Friday that were not on the menu for Thursday. I indulged myself, as well, since one of my favorite activities is cooking, and I didn't get to do nearly as much of that on Thurs as I had hoped.

And now we move into the Christmas season. And I have to be honest, the last few years I have been exceptionally Grinchy. I think it has something to do with balancing the end-of-semester insanity / sleep deprivation / grading with having holiday cheer. I do think that we are at a disadvantage, not having kids. We don't have to put up a tree - the dog doesn't care either way. We don't even have to give presents to each other - in fact, this is another year in which we've already given each other our gifts, leaving nothing to open on Christmas itself. We don't go to church, so we miss out on the Advent build up.

Despite my recent history, I'm going to make an effort to be less Grinchy this season. We are going to a Christmas concert tonight by a big name group. There will be singing along, and a visit from Santa. Given the size of our town, there will probably be people we know there. And there are other fun things starting up next weekend - some of which I hope to actually DO this year.

One difficulty is that my husband and I feed off of each other's Grinchiness. We'll make plans to go to a concert (one for which we do not need to buy tickets in advance; hence, we're not obligated to go), and then cancel them last-minute. We'll talk about putting up a tree - artificial or real - and then time will get away from us and it's the weekend before Christmas and neither of us feels like taking the time. Breaking out of that cycle will take some work, but I think it's do-able. I need to start by changing my attitude, which may be easier said than done. On the other hand, recognizing my lack of holiday spirit in the last few years, and vowing to make an effort to change that, is probably the first step.

Please note, however, that these steps do NOT include going to the mall. At all. I hope. I'm not that nuts.

Thankful

2011-11-24T05:03:00.000-08:00

I've been griping about the Facebook meme in which people post what they're grateful for every single day...but was reminded by my other half that that probably wasn't the best reaction. And, reading their posts, I've seen that we all have a lot to be thankful for. My FB friends, though, seem to be mostly thankful for their children - their children's antics - their children's good health - their children's teachers - etc. I'm sure you can sense a theme there. It can be difficult to ONLY see gratitude related to having children, so I've been thinking about what I am thankful for / grateful for despite my lack of offspring.

I'm thankful for my husband, every day. He makes me laugh, he supports me in whatever I do, he makes me rethink my entrenched positions on certain things (ahem, see response to FB meme, above), he reminds me that our lives are full and fulfilled without children. I am a better person for having met him and - thankfully - married him.
I'm thankful we are able to live where we do. I love living in a smaller town. I love living in what the rest of the country considers "flyover country". I love living in a University town, and having a commute that 3 short years ago - when I was riding an express bus 45 minutes to and from work every day - I could not have dreamed of. I'm thankful that we're able to get by with one car, thanks to where we live.
I'm thankful for my job and the people I get to work with. Even given major organizational changes this summer - the variety of (ahem) personalities that populate academia - the difficulty obtaining research funding in the current climate - there is nothing I would rather be doing. I never thought I'd end up here (both in this type of job and in this particular geographic location), but now I know that it is the best job that I have ever had.
I'm thankful for my family, even though they're 1500 miles away and we won't get to see them until late December. I'm also thankful for how understanding they are of our inability to attend the major extended family holiday on Thanksgiving. They make it easy - or, if not easy, at least tolerable - to be the non-attendees among the 30+ extended family members who gather for a day of gluttony. ;)
I'm thankful that I get to live in a country with a holiday dedicated to Thanksgiving - that we can all share in, regardless of our religious beliefs (or lack thereof).

I debated writing about my efforts to be less Grinchy this year, or my dawning realization that I think I have body image issues. But I'm glad I ditched that plan to reflect - at least for a few minutes - on how lucky I am, and how much I have to be thankful for.

Frustrations

2011-11-22T06:49:00.000-08:00

No posting for 6 months, and then I decide to do a "what's frustrating me now" post to jump back in? I guess if I can't do that here, then where can I do it? I've noticed that my fuse is much shorter recently, and I attribute at least part of that to the fact that I have stopped writing here - stopped keeping what could be a journal for me to dump my thoughts and (yes) frustrations. In an effort to keep things a bit more even-keeled...well, we'll see. I can't promise posts, but I can try to post more frequently, get out the things that are driving me nuts, and move on from there.

In no particular order...

My best friend from childhood. Who works 3 days a week, supporting a family of 5, who makes at least 3x what I make in a year, whose husband can stay home full time with the kids, who has three children she managed to conceive at the exact time she wanted to get pregnant. The last time we talked? She complained constantly about her work schedule, the call schedule, things around the house, holiday coverage, and on and on. And I was tempted to say, you know what? So many people would love to have this life. You make more money than I will ever EVER make. You chose a profession that you hate because your father wanted you to. You have a beautiful family and a cushy life, and you aren't happy with any of it.
And then she said the phrase that I hate to hear. First, she asked me "how things are going" with our infertility. I swear I've told her over and over again that we aren't doing anything right now. That we have no plans to go back on path of intervention, that we aren't even trying to have a baby. It's not the right time for us - and I don't think it will ever be the right time. For me, stopping treatment and getting off of that path are essential to my mental health. And I can't figure out how to tell her that without upsetting her or insulting her or I don't know what. So after I - again - told her that we're not actively pursuing anything right now, she said "I just want to say that I really admire how you've dealt with this." Well, what would the alternative be? I can either constantly mourn the life that might-have-been, or I can get out there and live life. I can renew and grow my relationship with my husband. I can figure out things that I enjoy doing, and people I enjoy doing them with, and pursue things that make me happy. Pursuing infertility treatment - even for the short time that we did so - was not making me happy. It was making me a crazy angry person whose fuse was...short. I think I replied with something along the lines of, "Well, you do what you have to do." *sigh*
The Extremely Fat Family at the gym, hereafter known as the EFFs. I should step aside here, briefly, and mention that I am not a very nice person. I am judgmental. I can be mean (in my head). I get frustrated when people do dumb things. Knowing that, it does not surprise me that the EFF now showing up at my gym is driving me up a freaking wall. Three of them showed up a few weeks ago - what seemed to be a couple and one of their fathers. The couple is probably 40 something - wife extremely overweight and husband morbidly obese - and the dad is verging on obese. Over the last few weeks, they have continued to add EFF members, to the point where now 6 or 7 of them show up, take over (and break) the elliptical machines, and then move on to the weight machines, where they proceed to SIT without actively lifting anything. In the meantime, I'm trying to get my workout in and get home in a timely manner. Today I bit the bullet and got up 15 minutes earlier (for those keeping track, that means I am now getting up at 3:45. AM.) to try to avoid them. I didn't succeed entirely, but I did manage to get through about 2/3 of my weights workout before some of them were wrapping up their cardio. I mean, I should be happy that they are moving, right? But I get so annoyed when my routine changes (I know, I should probably get help for this), and I'm having difficulty seeing the good in their gym attendance since it's messing with my routine. Anal much? It doesn't help that they are ... well, they're loud and they yell at each other and they talk on the phone and swear at each other and...it's just really disruptive. I'm at the gym to work out, not witness your family drama. Thanks. I hope their zeal wears off in the next few weeks. Holiday seasons are good for that.
Feeling one-upped. I hate feeling like others are trying to one-up me or us, and it seems like my BIL and SIL do it without even trying. As in, last year they got my MIL and FIL a trip over spring break. Plane tickets, condo, food while they were there, the whole shebang. We got them...I think we got his dad a book and his mom some crafty things for her home business. This year? We've got his dad covered, and we thought we had his mom covered, but then had to return what we got for her, when we realized it wasn't the right choice for her. Then, my BIL tells my husband on Sunday that they're going to get my in-laws an iPad for Christmas. Seriously. I get that they have a lot more money than we do. And I'm okay with that, most of the time. But ... we are constantly hearing how HARD they work and how MUCH they work, and how much they deserve their (seriously) sixth vacation of the year. Meanwhile, we are pinching pennies to try to take one major vacation every few years. And clearly we don't work hard. *sigh* again.

Those were the biggies for now, I think. I'm sure I'll think of something later. And then I'd like to move on to actually, you know, documenting our lives. Because there are some good things that we are doing - some fun things - and I think it would be nice to remember those down the line.

Brain dump

2011-05-16T06:28:00.000-07:00

*sigh*

I need to get a few things out before I try to have a really productive Monday morning. Sometimes that is just the way it is.

***
We had a super-productive weekend, despite the fact that it rained ALL DAY on Saturday. Persistent, cold rain. Nasty nasty nasty. I'm glad I went to the gym to run in my new running shoes (looove new running shoes) since they would have been decidedly NOT new by the end of an hour run in the rain!

We got so much done, though - planning for our vacation (!!), which starts next Monday (!!!), ironing (me), washing sweaters (me), financial stuff (husband), errands (husband), planting of annuals (both of us), stuff for the HOA (husband), baking and cooking (me). Whew. We were tired and sore this morning after so much productivity, but goodness does it feel good.

Of course, now I must have a super-productive week to help me get off on vacation on the right foot. :)

***
I'm really excited for this vacation - we are heading to London, and I have not been there for about 20 years. My husband has never been there. So we're going to be exploring an unfamiliar place together, for really the first time as a married couple. Everywhere else we have gone, one of us has been there before. I'm excited, too, because I hope this is the start of relatively regular vacations for us. That was definitely NOT the case while I was in school and then my post doc, and I know that for us, at least, travel is one of the things we keep saying we can do because we don't have children / don't have to save for college / don't have to worry about choosing child-friendly locations. I'm really hoping that turns out to be the case - when we started discussing trying to travel more, shortly after we gave up on having kids, I was not entirely sure that 'more travel' was something I would look forward to.

***
I'm really sad about our lack of local friends, and I can't figure out a way to fix it.

We had friends here - mostly mine from school + their spouses - but since we have been back and I have moved into a faculty role, and our friends have slowed down significantly in their own school paths and had children, we just don't have as much in common anymore. To the point where we are not invited to do anything with them anymore, and we don't invite them over, either. It's just...awkward.

For us, it's awkward to have them over because our house is SO not childproofed, and there is nothing fun to play with. And it's hard to pack up a kid and take him to an adult friend house. We know that. But we also know that when we were invited over to the houses of our friends with kids, then we were always the outsiders - the ones who didn't have kids at the birthday party, or the ones who had to accommodate when something went awry for one of the families with kids. We just...don't have much in common with them anymore.

This really hit home this morning - and, really, is what prompted this post - when I looked on Facebook and saw that a formerly-good-friend (the family with which we share our farm share, for Pete's sake!) had posted that she enjoyed celebrating her graduation (finally) and her son's fourth birthday with "good friends". Which, I'm thinking, means that we are NOT good friends, since we were not invited to anything. We were definitely closer to them before, when their son was much younger - and more portable - and when we had more in common. We stayed with them when we first got back to town, for a couple of nights before we closed on our house. We talked about how nice it was that our houses are 5 minutes apart. We talked about all the things we would do together. Now? Not so much.

Another friend called for the first time in MONTHS (maybe 6?) when her husband's mother died suddenly. I am honestly not sure why she called - they were heading out of town for the funeral, and everything was taken care of. I offered to do whatever they needed, but they didn't really *need* anything. So we sent a card -and offered, again, if they needed us to do anything - but haven't heard from them since.

I just... I don't know what to do. We've talked about this ad nauseum, husband and I, and haven't really come to any satisfying conclusions. We are not religious - we are not going to meet new friends at church, trust me. We don't have friends in our neighborhood - they are either a) older than us by 20+ years, or b) have multiple children. We don't really have friends from work - I am significantly younger than most of the other faculty, and I'm not so sure about the other faculty who started with me in the fall. My husband is in a management position and doesn't really want to socialize with other people from work. He is no longer doing as much music as he once was. We just.... we have no social life. And while I am not a social person, by any means (solitude!I love solitude!), it ...rankles? irritates? annoys? makes me sad? that we really don't have anyone we can turn to for a dinner out, or an evening of playing goofy Wii games and hanging out. Or, really, anything.

I said to my husband yesterday - this was following a study interview in which the mom basically said that she gets no support at home and that she doesn't turn to her husband for anything anymore - that I don't know what I would do without him. And that is completely true. If - I hate to even type this - but if something happened to him tomorrow? (or to me?) I just don't know who we would call, locally. Well, probably the backyard neighbor, because she gets things DONE. But we're not what I would call *friends* - we're friendLY, definitely. But again, they're 20+ years older than we are, and have a totally different life than we do.

I don't know where this is going - this is really a brain dump in that regard - but I do know that it still makes me sad that 3 years into living here again, we are so disconnected from others in the community. And I just don't see a way out of that.

A decision made, and a cautionary tale

2011-04-24T09:07:00.001-07:00

I made an appointment with my primary doc back in...I think it was February, when I decided that enough was enough with the IUD. I finally got in to see her on Thursday morning. On the way there, I realized that I hadn't gotten a reminder phone call (cue panic), then thought that, hm, maybe I *chose* not to have them call me because I'm good about putting things on my calendar. Fortunately, I was right - they had me in the system, I wasn't going to have to wait two additional months, and phew.

In the waiting room, I saw a current doctoral student, who hosted the baby shower for a mutual friend (also a doctoral student) last Sunday (more on that later). She did not seem to see me, and I chose not to get her attention. This is one of the interesting things about living in a small university town, working at one of the colleges associated with the academic medical center, and choosing to get most of my medical care there. I tend to run in to people I know - or who know my husband - or who know my boss(es) - when I am there for medical appointments. So far, I've been able to make things work, and my only regret is that I cannot be friends with my providers, because I really like those that I have had. Well, except for the dermatology resident, but that's okay. I'd love to be friends with the PA I saw in reproductive endocrinology, before throwing in the towel. Her husband used to work with mine, which is the way things go in this town, and we had seen them at Lowe's when we first moved back to town. Kind of like how we ran into our current financial planner guy at the park when we were having lunch a few months after we moved back to town. Anyway, I digress.

I waited for about 25 minutes - long, but not unreasonable, got weighed (holding steady! soon it will be time to ramp it up again to lose an addition 8-10 pounds...) and blood pressured (also normal, as per usual) and then the doc came in pretty quickly. We determined that it was time to lose the IUD and find another method that would work better for me. And, as always, I was grateful that she did not say anything about an infertile woman choosing to be on long-term birth control.

She took it out right then and there (well, after I had gotten ready and on the table...) which was a HUGE relief. Sent in my prescription for my new long-cycle pills, and reupped a few of my regular ones for 3-month supplies, and off I went. Poof! Done! I feel better already - although, interestingly, I still have the aching / occasional piercing pain on my left side. I started the pills again this morning (Sunday start) so we'll see if that continues or gets better. I do wonder whether I have a cyst or possibly some endometriosis hanging out there. We shall see...

The cautionary tale came from one of my students this semester, who in addition to having a 2 year old, working full time, and going to school, has decided that THIS is the semester to have additional IVF cycles. This is her 4th. One child. I did the math, which = 2 failed cycles. Anyway, she developed complications during her stim phase, which included bilateral hydrosalpinx. Which was what they thought I had during my HSG, until they got in there and found normal tubes (which I have never understood, and probably never will. If I ever have a hysterectomy, I will ask them to do path analysis on my uterus and tubes because I want / need to know...). Her ova were retrieved on schedule, but she will need to have additional surgery this week to have a bilateral salpingectomy before they transfer the embryos. She will be fine - and hopefully will have a successful cycle - but it reminded me of the reasons why I got off the IVF train before it even pulled out of the station. Emotionally, I couldn't deal with the ramifications of unsuccessful cycles. Physically, I couldn't deal with the thought of unplanned complications. I'm a planner. I planned when I *thought* I would get pregnant. I plan my week as strictly as I possibly can. I don't do well with uncertainty - physical or emotional. So, I took it as a cautionary tale, and a reminder to me why I am staying on long-term birth control, even though I am 'infertile'.

The baby shower last Sunday was probably the best I have been to. No stupid games. No questions about when *I* would be pregnant. Just a bunch of nerdy women sharing their favorite children's books with the mom-to-be, and discussing them. Whew. I made it through - it was only about an hour and 45 minutes, and escaped to the grocery store, then made it home in one piece.

This semester is *finally* wrapping up (it's been nuts...) and we are planning a long-awaited vacation to LONDON at the end of May. I am so excited, I can hardly stand it. I'm not even going to take my laptop! iPad, yes, for emails and catching up on fun reading. But no laptop - no work - just fun and being tourists and being together. Perfect for our 5th anniversary. That's this Friday - we will share it not only with my parents (we were married on their 34th wedding anniversary), but also with William and Kate. Hilariously, my mother and I also have sapphires for our engagement rings. Not, however, the size of Kate's. It might be more fun if I were an inveterate royal-watcher, which I am not. But it will still be fun to share an anniversary with some famous people. :)

Regrets?

2011-02-27T09:04:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking a lot about regrets in the last few days, and kind of taking stock of where I am in life, what I have accomplished to this point, and whether I have any regrets about the road I have taken to get here.

I've come to the conclusion that I don't really have any regrets, which kind of fascinates me. I mean, there were certainly different paths I could have taken along the way. But that would mean that I would not be who I am today - and I would not be where I am today, doing what I do.

This was prompted by a gathering last Friday of new faculty members at our university. We met with the new (interim) provost, an introspective engineer, of all things. And he mentioned that every year, after the spring semester raced to a close, he would spend some time reflecting on whether he had enjoyed the last year, including his research, his teaching, his interactions with colleagues, and his interactions with students. He said that if the university was going to put him under the microscope every year for his annual review, then he thought he owed it to himself to do the same kind of examination from his perspective.

I don't do this often, but I have re-evaluated my spot in life over time. Last year, I did it a LOT when I was interviewing for jobs. Now that we are relatively settled, it's less of a 'thing', but it's something that I still do periodically. I find it helpful to have trusted colleagues that I can talk to about these things, too - if I find that there is kind of a sore spot at work (for example, right now I have a colleague who is driving me absolutely bonkers...), then I can examine with my colleagues whether it is me - and my response to the person - or whether they are also being driven bonkers by the same person. It's a nice check on me - I find that I can be kind of mean sometimes - and it's a good way for me to make sure that I, myself, am not going off the deep end. And I trust these colleagues to tell me if I am doing so.

But back to regrets - and reflection - on my personal life. I did think back to our journey with infertility over the last few weeks, again. Would I have done anything differently? I don't think I would have. I had two consults with health care providers (my women's health NP and a different midwife) before we even tried conceiving. They both pronounced me in good health, and told me to have at it. Of course, there were obviously problems, but I don't believe that they could have detected those problems if they had even looked. It's not like the RE's were able to pinpoint a cause for my infertility - or a successful way to treat it.

Would I have waited as long to try for children? Again, no. And that is not because I didn't want kids earlier - it's because of where we were in our lives. I had prioritized graduate school. That got me where I am today - with the job I have today, which I do love (as much as I sometimes complain about it). Before I met my husband, I was at peace with the idea of being single for the majority of my life. Meeting my husband was an unexpected - and joyful - surprise. So - regrets about how old I was when we got married? About waiting a year and a half to try for children? No, definitely not.

I haven't examined *everything* in my life, obviously. But I do think that I am where I am today - and I am *who* I am today - because of everything that has come before. I'm not religious - I don't think there is a plan - but I do think that in the choose your own adventure that is life, I've done pretty darn well so far. And I anticipate that that will continue.

Another month, more pregnancies

2011-02-17T14:08:00.001-08:00

Seems like everyone (or at least, the people I know) has been conspiring to keep me thinking about my infertility recently.

My cousin's wife is due tomorrow with their 'first child'. This is the one that I missed the shower for, thank goodness. I know, that's awful to say. But it really did make it easier. Her mother in law (my aunt) is eagerly anticipating the birth of her first grandchild, and called my mom all excited earlier this week.
This makes me wonder whether / how our infertility affects my parents (and even my husband's parents). I've never asked, to be honest. I mean, my mother used to tell me that people were asking when we would have kids. I told her at that point that she could tell them that it wasn't going to happen, if she wanted. But I don't know if she ever did that. Or, if she did, I don't know who she did and didn't tell. I just kind of avoid the subject.
A friend from high school is pregnant with baby #2. She informed us on an email thread that was started by a friend getting married this May. That one came out of left field for me.
Another friend, this time from my dissertation research, is pregnant with baby #2, and is due in July. She had a miscarriage at 8-10 weeks a couple of years ago, which actually made all of us in that department much closer. And then she had a successful pregnancy - and she has a beautiful daughter. I'm happy for her... but also sad.
And yesterday was the oh-so-fun child abuse and neglect lecture in the class that I am sitting in on. I don't think I've ever mentioned that I happen to be a pediatric nurse practitioner, of all things. Being an infertile PNP is like the worst of both worlds. On my side, I haven't experienced parenthood. I've never been up all night with a baby. I've never gone through birth. I've never had to decide about so many things that parents ask about. On the other hand, I know a lot about children and child development and child illness. But, on the parents' side (and on my students' side), there is a lack of credibility, because I haven't *been there*. Anyway. I digress. I hate hate hate hate the abuse / neglect lecture, not only because I've seen it many times over the years, but because it reminds me that there are many people out there who probably should not have children, but who have no difficulty doing so. Many times, it seems as though they have lots of children. And that is so, so hard for me to deal with. It's like the news articles about mothers who kill their children. (Side note: apparently, the word for parental killing of a child is "filicide". When mothers do it, it's "maternal filicide", and, logically, when fathers do it, it is "paternal filicide". And, per wikipedia, filicide is the 3rd leading cause of death of death among children 5-14.)
Sorry, that was a very depressing bullet.
Oh, and the news anchor on our local news is about to pop. Any second. So every morning, at the gym, I am reminded of this.

It's interesting to me that, while I feel like I have been slammed with all of this news from all sides, I have been doing a much better job of... I guess it might be compartmentalizing? all of it. I have been making a concerted effort not to fall into a funk daily over all the baby-related news. And it seems to be working. But at the same time, it's not like this is ever far from my mind.

I have also decided to give up on the #(%* IUD already. Of course, it's 2 months (!) until I can get an appointment with my primary doc, but I suppose I can live with that. I have cramps, still, > 50% of the time. At times, they are so bad that Advil won't touch them. And I don't want to have to take Advil 2 weeks out of the month. It's just not the right choice for me. At the time I had it inserted, she said that she would still be willing to have me on birth control pills, until I am 40. That would work for me, I think.

So I'll go in in April, and hopefully get the darn thing taken out at the same appointment. It would be just like them to have me make a different appointment for its removal. Gah. I have liked the whole no-period thing, though, which is why I think I'll continue with some form of b.c. for now.

Otherwise, things are busy busy busy but in a good way. I think. :) My job is crazy, my husband is busy and happy, the dog is thriving, and we are having the most random warm day in the middle of February. It's 60 degrees out there! I think we'll go get the mail, and I'll try to forget about all of this for a few minutes. Of course, it's likely that one or more of the neighbors are pregnant. Again. So how successful I'll be is a complete crap shoot.

Oh, where to start

2011-01-17T07:32:00.000-08:00

One of my NY resolutions is to blog more. I think I made the same resolution last year. BUT, this year, my overall goal is actually to compartmentalize a little more. Not to ignore all facets of my life, but to ensure that I pay attention to all of those facets. And, for me, compartmentalization is the way to go. I hope that by blogging more, I'll be able to address my thoughts / feelings re infertility / childlessness more as they come up, and less in (far distant) hindsight.

Our trip back East for New Year's was, overall, quite good. We had good travel karma this time, even with my husband having to fly elsewhere on the way home, for work. The weather cooperated (we were lucky, we were right in between blizzards) and we even got a taste of some 50 degree weather while we were there!

On the other hand, though...there were still some minor hurdles.

We saw good friends and their family several times while we were home. I went to kindergarten with the wife, and have known her all of my life. She's the one I refer to as my "best friend from childhood". Anyway, they have three children, and she knows about my infertility. So she's one of...well, 3-4 people who actually know that we have tried, that having children would require more medical intervention than I am comfortable with, and that we are close to giving up.

She's also one of my more religious friends. Has been, for years. And, hm. I don't know how to say this, but she's also more evangelical than most. Maybe the word I am looking for is...she evangelizes? What I'm trying to get at is, she takes others' religious beliefs - and whether they align with hers - very seriously. And that has never sat well with me. I think belief is a very individual thing. Even when I was in my super-religious college days, I was never comfortable with the idea of pushing my beliefs on others. I'm even more uncomfortable with overt attempts at conversion. For example, my brother has a high school friend whose job it is to convert Sikhs in England to Christianity. I just...think that is wrong. That's my personal opinion - you, of course, are free to agree or disagree.

But I have wandered off track a bit. I guess that evangelizing piece really wanted to come out. :)

So, she's more religious than I am, especially now. And she still is concerned with others' beliefs. She also says things like "I'll pray for you", which she said when I talked about our struggles with infertility, and with stepping off the IUI/IVF train. As I've written before, I have pretty much lost my religion. I have deep-seated doubts about the existence of a higher Being, and whether that Being is, in fact, the God of my childhood beliefs. For someone who regularly prayed, went to Bible study, and tried to live "as a Christian", this is...a big change. I'm not entirely sure where I fall on the religiosity spectrum, but I'm pretty far away from "believer", and from "observant", and even from "religious". I'd say I'm verging on atheist / agnostic.

We have not exchanged major gifts for years, now. I will send her things when I see them, that make me think of her. Or, that we don't want / need - like the electric griddle I sent last year. It was perfect for their family of 5. We never used it. I plan on sending my unused flannel sheets to her just as soon as I can buy more packing tape. That kind of thing. But she called on New Year's Day and wanted to bring over a gift for me. The gift? A book:

The Reason for God: Belief in an Age of Skepticism

Um. Yeah. I wasn't even sure what to say. Well, duh, I said 'thank you', and I just wrote a nice thank you note for it. But...I'm not sure I will actually read the book. I'm not sure I am interested. And, it got me thinking about just how far apart we are in some ways, now that we are in our (sigh) mid-thirties. I don't think I will ever not be friends with this person, but I do not think that we are as close, or as similar, as we once were.

And that got me thinking about whether similarity is necessary for close friendship. I've never believed that it is, but I have watched my formerly close relationships drift since we decided not to actively pursue having kids. My relationship with this friend seems strong - we talk every couple of weeks on the phone - but...I'm not sure we are in the same place, viewing our futures in the same way.

The same goes for my other, other half - my college roommate. I haven't talked to her since before Thanksgiving. Where I once would talk to her at least once a day - this was pre-her-kids - now it is months. I told myself it was because she had two young children. Her son is 4 and her daughter is 1. But... Now I am not so sure. And I don't know what to do about it. I'm reluctant to bring it up - as in, 'I miss you' - because I don't want her response to be negative. I don't want to guilt someone into continuing a friendship with me, but... what if the basis for those friendships has shifted? What if we are no longer similar enough to be good friends?

And then what do I do? No kids. A rarity in this town, particularly among people our age, and in our neighborhood, and who we encounter at work. We are like an island of childlessness among these large, growing families.

I think it's actually more awkward because I am a pediatrics person by training. That's my clinical side. I actually know a fair amount about child development, and about kids, and about kids' medical problems. That's what I do, professionally. So to couple that with not having our own kids is...weird...for most people.

Saturday, I had the chance? option? invitation? to attend a "potty party" for a friend's almost-3-year-old. I bailed at the last minute. His little friend was coming over, and I realized I didn't want to be the token childless adult there, forced into awkward conversation with parents about the potty training habits of their children. She actually said, when inviting me, that she thought of me because "You get kids, you get the kid-thing" and I thought "Do I really?"

As usual, I'm not sure where this is going. Just that I am, again, having a hard time finding my way among friendships when kids are involved. Or not. As the case may be.

And, don't even get me STARTED about my husband's ex-wife. Who now has preemie twins. Via donor sperm insemination. Since her husband is OUR MOTHERS' AGE. Good grief. More for another time...

Blindsided

2010-12-28T12:53:00.000-08:00

Oh, my. It's been a long time (again!) since my last post. The end of the semester was insanely busy. I took on more responsibility towards the end for teaching and grading and all sorts of new things for me. More grant applications, more relationships to develop, more things to *think* about. Sometimes my brain hurts from all the thinking. On the plus side, I haven't been bored!

In amongst everything else, there have been holiday-related things. Cards. Visiting my in-laws. A planned visit (starting tomorrow) back east, to see my parents. We got the cards finished - and mailed - by Christmas Eve, which I thought was pretty darn good. We had a lovely low-key visit with my in-laws, which was a first. My brother-in-law flew in, and we really enjoyed ourselves, long and snowy and sort-of-scary car ride up notwithstanding. We're happy to be going to see my family - and happy that it will also be for a short, defined period of time.

And then, in among everything else, I got blindsided. An invitation arrived for my cousin's wife's baby shower. Baby #1. The one I wrote about several months ago - because I was glad that we weren't going to have to be home to face all of the giddiness and questions firsthand.

I sucked it up and RSVP'd 'no' to the baby shower - I truly can't make it. And again, it's one of those things where I am glad that we live so far away. Glad that I have this insanely busy job, that prevents me from going back for a quick weekend visit. Glad that I don't have to face all of this in person.

Then I realized that I had to get them a gift. *sigh* My mother suggested getting something while I'm in town - which, honestly, is a pretty reasonable option. Just in case, though, I decided to check out the baby registry.

It's a boy. No one told me they knew that.

And, good grief. The ... stuff ... they registered for. We never got to that point, obviously. And though I have gotten presents for many babies over the years, I'm not sure I have ever seen another registry this ... big.

And, this seems really stupid, but it's also like there are so many dreams and hopes and wishes tied up in all that stuff. Baby joggers. Bottles. Little t-shirts, and sleep sacks, and blankets. We never got to the dreaming stage.

This is the first time it's been hard for me to look at all that stuff, and figure out what small token we should buy for a new life. Maybe it's because it's the first time it seems real that it will never happen for us.

I've been on edge a bit recently, too. There have been multiple stories of babies and children being abandoned, treated brutally, even killed. Those always hit me hard. Why is it that some lowlife can kill one of her many children in a fit of rage, and we can't have one? And, my best friend from childhood again asked about what we were 'doing' about my infertility. At times I regret having said anything to her - she asks every few months, usually when someone else's children come up in conversation. This time, it was her sister in law, who delivered at home in the woods at age 40, after conceiving her 2nd child without any help whatsoever. Seriously, could I make this stuff up? I wanted to yell into the phone that no, I am not her, and no, it's not going to just 'happen'. But I stayed quiet, and just got off the phone as quickly as possible.

Well, this was rambling. That's what I get for keeping things bottled up, and forgetting I have this as an outlet. I am hoping to make it through this visit back east with minimal inquiries into the state of my uterus and / or ovaries. I am hoping that I can keep it together. And I'll be sure to update again here when we get back.

My brain is too full...

2010-11-19T07:30:00.000-08:00

...and I have not been here nearly enough for everything that has been going on. *sigh*

*Three* months since I last wrote. And I have enough topics in mind to write for a really long time. But I don't have the time to do so right now. Maybe next week, when we are on break at the University, and I might have more than 5 minutes to dedicate to myself and my mental health. Because that is what this blog is about, for me. A safe place to dump the contents of my (usually overflowing) brain, and process what is going on around me.

A smattering of the things I've been thinking about:

The friend who had twins at 25 weeks following donor IUI
Another 'friend' who had twins at 25 weeks following donor sperm IVF (oh, this one's a doozy)
Running in to one of our reproductive endocrinologists at a meeting last week
Hearing the same person's name in another context, and desperately backtracking to find a way to explain how I know of her without revealing how that came to be
My disdain for people on Twitter and Facebook ... and how I sometimes use the sites as mechanisms to make myself feel better (another doozy)
A little bit of weight loss - just enough to make me feel like I might be able to lose a little more, but not enough that I feel like I actually accomplished something
The (@#%(*%* IUD
The holidays
Some (extended) family drama

Oh, and so much more. New roles at work, grant applications, and on and on and on. I'm just trying to survive this semester and improve on my time management and other skills next semester.

More, hopefully, this weekend or early next week. In case anyone's out there. :)

Perfect Storm

2010-08-12T07:08:00.000-07:00

Wow, this week is really kicking my rear end. It's like a perfect storm of issues/announcements/*things* designed to mess with me.

My husband is home this week, because he is starting a new! job! Monday. A local job. One that does not entail driving 3+ hours one-way and staying away from home Sunday through Thursday nights. It's also going to be pretty challenging for him, which is good. I have learned that, with N, a bored N is a crabby N. And not a lot of fun to live with. So, whew. It worked out quite well - for him, and for the company he'll be working for. Fingers crossed that it goes well once he gets started, too!

So next week will be insane - he starts his job, I start orientation (!!!) for my job, and we're *still* trying to get the basement renovations finished. It's pretty exciting, to be honest.

But this week...oh, this week. It's just one thing after another for me. Nothing huge, but the fact that all of these little things are occurring at about the same time makes for a difficult week for me.

The cramps from hell started on Saturday, heralding the arrival of PMS-week. What fun! I've become resigned to the fact that I will have cramps for a week before the actual arrival of my period, at least while I still have the IUD. Appointment set for next month, so I will bring up my issues then.

Then, my cousin and his wife announced that they are pregnant with their "first child". Sigh. I knew something was up when my husband walked into the kitchen at dinner time, and said "I just got an email from [cousin's wife]." We never, ever get emails from them, so I just knew what it was about. I said "Let me guess, she's pregnant?" and he said yes. Of course, we are happy for them. But it is really hard for me to deal with, too. They got married about 2 months after we started trying to conceive...I remember being at their wedding and not drinking during the reception. I was still in my no-drinking-at-all phase then, thinking it would make a difference in our chances. Another cousin mentioned that I wasn't drinking, and made some comment about how I must be pregnant, or trying to get pregnant. If only. Anyway. Memories. One of the harder things was the way she set up her email - it began with a sentence about how one of the lovely parts of being a member of such a nice - and big-ish - extended family is how wonderful it is to be able to add to that extended family. *sigh, again* All I could think was, you have NO idea how difficult it is to be the member of that extended family who will not be adding to it. I'm sure people wonder. It helps that we are not local, and that we see the whole family rarely-if-ever. The other hard part is that this is the cousin who is the next youngest, after me. And, oddly, I think that all of the cousins so far have had kids in age order, if that makes sense. So the oldest cousin was the first, then the next in line, and on down to me. Where things came to a screeching halt. So I have officially been skipped now, which is painfully obvious to me. One of the congratulatory reply-all emails (from another cousin) mentioned the "long time" since there was a new baby in the family. I'm sure it wasn't a barb directed at me...but it was still hard to read.

Bright side? We won't see them while she is pregnant. We won't see any of the family, actually, except for my parents and brother's family. One good thing about living where we do - and I knew that before. It's just that it was brought home to me by this announcement.

Then...oh, goodness. I can't think of what was next. A series of small annoyances - idiots at the grocery store; the person who cuts my hair kind of spacing out during the cut while she told me this horror story about her dog being hit by a car. Terrible, terrible story - the dog is fine, by the way. But I didn't really get the hair cut that I wanted. A phone conversation with my best friend from childhood, in which she talked for an hour straight about her new job, their trip to see some family members, the kids' swimming lessons, etc. etc. etc. Then, at the tail end of the phone call, she asked (in a rather perfunctory way) what we were up to. Feeling like your life is not as important/full/interesting as others' lives is never a good feeling. Yesterday, I took the dog to get his nails trimmed and found that the groomer was having "personal problems" and wasn't in yet, even though I'd gone an hour after they were supposed to get in. Someone tried to clip his nails, but he wasn't a pro, and while he didn't hurt the dog, he did not do a great job. And my parents are coming in for the weekend - and their flight is already delayed almost 2 hours this morning.

It's just a week that started badly with the pregnancy announcement, and the PMS and cramps, and so every little thing that happened seemed bigger than it really was. I recognize this - and I knew it was going to be a stressful week. I just need to push through to get to the other side. Writing it all out here helps, since I know no one with a connection to any of these stories will read them.

Lazy? Not so much.

2010-08-06T10:12:00.000-07:00

Well, that last post was a bit of a downer. Sheesh. I do have a terrible body image. I know this. I do have a difficult time figuring out what clothing looks good on my body. And I do obsess over trying to lose weight and burn enough calories every day.

On the other hand, I know I am quite good at what I do in my job. I can be funny when necessary. And I can even be social, if the occasion calls for it. (Fortunately, it doesn't call for it very often...) I am pretty darn happy in my life - which is busier and busier, the more responsibility I take on.

I start my new job in less! than! 2! weeks! This is not really a *change* for me - I will be staying at the same institution, but will be making the transition from a post doc to a faculty position. So I will have to go to more meetings. I will have to interact with more people. I will have to make BIG decisions about what grants to apply for, and who to collaborate with, and how to spend my time. I will have to teach. (*gulp*) But I am so excited about being a real person, with a real job. After all the bouncing around I did in my 20s, and all the difficult decisions we made in the last 6 years...I finally feel like this is it. This (with a few minor tweaks) is what I am meant to be doing.

And yet...sometimes I (still) wish that I could build a bit more down time into my schedule. I feel like I always need to be doing-doing-doing. My husband is better at relaxing...at tuning out...at dinking...than I will ever be. I worry that I will not be able to balance the demands of my new job with my need for a mental (and physical) break.

Fortunately, my parents are coming to visit next week! I'm so excited - they were last here the December that I graduated. It was 20 degrees (+20, though, which is something) and it was snowing. This visit, it will be at least 80, and definitely *not* snowing. I hope to actually take a BREAK while they are here. I'll let you know how it goes. ;)

Body Image

2010-07-29T11:33:00.000-07:00

I realized after writing that last post that I (still) have a terrible body image. But now, instead of just focusing on my physical appearance, I also have difficulty with the ways in which it seems my body has betrayed me. Infertility is just one of those ways, to judge from my last entry.

I think I had a good body image in high school - helped by the fact that I was thin, could pretty much wear anything I wanted, and that my body would do anything I asked of it. That changed when I got to college - I still remember stepping on the scale after my freshman year, and finding out that I had gained the freshman 23, fueled by lack of exercise, big chocolate chip cookies, Snackwells "fat free" cookies (yes, but not calorie free, you dumbass), and ... did I mention the big chocolate chip muffins? That wasn't a very pleasant realization. I have never managed to consistently keep my weight down from that point, although I do think I am in better shape now than I ever was in college. I did start exercising again consistently after that - not always at a high intensity, but I was at least doing *something*. My body and I settled into a kind of detente.

When I worked nights, I didn't gain much weight, despite a not-so-healthy lifestyle (eating out several times a week! an obsession with Diet Coke! eating lunch/dinner at 2 am!). When I worked on the West coast was when I really started exercising in earnest. I started running again. I started hiking. I started biking. Rollerblading. Walking. I never noticed a significant drop in weight, but I felt better. I did finally drop weight when I went to camp for geeks one summer, and exercised twice a day - running in the morning (usually 30 minutes) and then a 1 hour aerobics class in the evening. Insane? Maybe. But it was either that or go crazy from the amount of information I was trying to learn in 8 short weeks.

Since then, I have been a consistent and sometimes obsessive exerciser. It's gotten worse since my diagnosis of diabetes 2 years ago, because now I don't feel like I can even take a day off. I do one day of yoga/pilates a week, and even that is pushing it for me. And I usually make that the day I clean the bathrooms and take the dog for a long walk, so that I get a little bit more movement into my day.

I think I eat more healthily than I ever did 10 years ago. Scratch that - I *know* I eat more healthily. And still - I am the heaviest I have ever been. Easily 10 pounds heavier than I was after freshman year of college. I really could stand to lose 20 pounds - and yet, despite my healthy eating, and my near-daily exercise, I cannot make the scale budge.

I'm sure I'm eating more than I should - working at home has its drawbacks. But if I have to read one more magazine story about someone who lost 90 pounds by cutting out fried food (done that!) and walking 20 minutes a day (um, yeah), I might scream.

Now, with infertility, and diabetes, and asthma, and a possible heart murmur...I feel like my body is failing, slowly.

Infertility, in particular, blindsided me. Infertility, for me, meant that no matter what kind of effort I made in terms of taking care of my body, my body would not respond and do what it is *supposed* to do. What it is *biologically* supposed to do. Infertility meant that my body failed me, even when I gave it my best. I don't think I have failed at anything else that I meant to do in my life. And yet...I cannot have children (without significant intervention). Up until that diagnosis, I could do anything I put my mind to.

So now, my body image suffers. My external, physical body image, and my internal body image, as well. It's like my body is laughing at me - no! I won't lose weight, no matter how far you run. No! I won't get pregnant, no matter how well you take care of me, or how much you want it. And so, most days, even though my body pretty much does what I ask of it, still, most days I hate my body. The inside and the outside.

Seriously, pancreas, what the hell?

2010-07-26T07:26:00.000-07:00

This is a non-infertility (well, mostly) related post, primarily because this is driving me stark. raving. mad. and I have to write about it somewhere.

I mentioned before that I have type 2 diabetes, courtesy of some crappy DNA. This is...frustrating, at best, because my lifestyle and even my physical appearance do not fit most peoples' perceptions of individuals with type 2 diabetes. I could stand to lose 20 pounds - but I am not obese. My cholesterol levels are better than most people my age. I don't smoke. I eat more fruits and vegetables than nearly everyone else I know. I exercise seven. days. a. week. I am more active than nearly all of my friends. And still, still! My pancreas pulls this crap on me.

I never know what to expect - which, for me, is like a mild form of torture. I like to plan. I like to know how things are going to turn out. I like to visualize my day, and plan how it will unfold, and then *make it happen*. I can't DO that with my blood sugars. Case in point: Thursday evening we had veggie burgers, onion rings, and salad for dinner. I had no bun with my veggie burger, a small number of (baked!) onion rings, and a huge salad. For dessert? A skinny cow mini fudge bar. Saturday evening, we had friends over for dinner. I had: a hamburger (on a [whole wheat] bun! the horror!), corn on the cob, and a big spoonful of pasta salad. Oh, and strawberry pie for dessert. Friday morning's sugar and Sunday morning's were...1 point apart.

I'm even *more* frustrated now, because we finally decided to apply for life insurance for me. We're dumb, because we should have done this when we got married. But it's not exactly top of the list for most people - and it wasn't for us. I'll be 35 next week. When I did the health interview, I just knew that my quoted premium was going to go up. Ha.

According to them, my diabetes, asthma, and heart murmur are what caused my premiums to increase. Yeah. My well-controlled diabetes (at least my endocrinologist thinks so). My exercise-induced asthma, which requires that I take an inhaler before I run. And my "heart murmur", which was thoroughly worked up this year, over the course of three months and umpty-zillion tests, and was found to be a) completely benign, and b) not even audible, depending on who you asked.

So, my premiums? One for term, one for whole life? Went up 282% and 164%, respectively. I nearly threw up.

In comparison, the best info I could find for a person who smokes? Is that their premiums will go up 100%. I am mortified, and also kind of appalled.

The thing I hate most about this is how unhealthy it makes me feel. I know that I am a healthy person, that I make good choices. Hell, I wear sunscreen every day. I avoid the sun. I make my own bread just so I know what goes into it. I know I can't select what parts of my DNA will express and which will not (seriously, why couldn't I get the flat chest from my dad's side of the family??). But to be punished, every single month, for things that are outside my control, well, that makes me mad. And sad.

I suspect I would pay less if I were a sedentary, obese, smoker vs. an active, healthy person who happens to be diabetic.

Bullets

2010-07-14T13:28:00.000-07:00

I am so brain dead after our weekend away and a couple of crazy days at work, I'm going to try to catch up a little by using bullet points.
I got my hair chopped off on Monday. I love it. Even though I said I would never ever do short-short hair again. Apparently 10 years is long enough for me to get over my previous trauma. [n.b.: my previous involved bangs...heavy bangs...and clippers were frequently used on the back]
I survived the reunion. There was a general comment / question about any pregnancy announcements. I was pretty obviously drinking a beer at that point, so we did not feel compelled to volunteer that no, I was not pregnant.
One of my husband's friends is a bit of a sanctimonious twit. We (husband and I) were responsible for the cookout on Saturday night. You know, burgers, brats, hot dogs, use the grill at the park, etc. Throw in some chips and cookies, and maybe some fruit salad? It's like every bbq out there...except that we have it in a park. So, afterwards, this friend comes up to me, says thank you to me for putting it together, then says "We weren't sure you were going to be able to pull this off, since you don't have kids." Um, what? What on *earth* does hosting a bbq have to do with being a parent? I just turned away. Seriously?
Another friend (this one a bit of a blowhard) also insulted my profession. Thanks, blowhard! I will never understand why some people think it's okay to insult the profession - or other choice/characteristic - of someone standing right in front of them. Again, what is up with that???
Despite that, I had a good time. I always get along better with the husbands at this gathering. Probably because I wouldn't understand the other women...as I'm not a mother. ;)

Life has been busy since we got back...house renovations on track, husband wrapping up the long-distance job, and me taking on more responsibility even though my new job (and associated new salary) doesn't really start for a month.

Tidbits

2010-06-30T06:42:00.000-07:00

Random thoughts buzzing around in my brain...

I have returned from Stats Camp - a.k.a., camp for nerdy adults. Seriously. Twenty years ago, if you had told me that I would be voluntarily spending a week learning about an analysis approach for something I hadn't even learned about yet, I would have thought you were completely nuts. I can't say that it was my most favorite week of my entire life, but it was certainly enjoyable and challenging. And apparently that is what I like these days.

*********
On a related note, I spent the entire week with a colleague who, by the end, was driving me slowly nuts. Well, on second thought - maybe it didn't happen *that* slowly. I have been trying to pin down what was so frustrating/annoying/aaargh-inducing, and I have a few thoughts:

She presents her opinions as facts. Not "I think [blah de blah de blah]...". Nope. She states what she thinks - that is what it is - and disagreeing is frequently pointless, as she will not change her opinion. I got better at this by the end of the week, but man.
We have very different personalities. I try very hard to blend into the background and just do my work (Just Do It! as my mother would say). She, however, seems to try to be in the foreground at all times. Regardless of whether being in the foreground is appropriate or even helpful. Example A: She talks. so. loudly. Seriously. I never realized how quiet our home life is, but now that I know? I revel in it. We are quiet. The dog is quiet. Our neighbors are quiet. I like this. A lot. I do NOT like noise. I tried the trick of speaking more and more quietly, in an effort to get her to tone it down. It didn't work. Example B: Drawing attention to herself for the oddest things - such as stiff shoulders from working on a laptop at a conference table all morning. You know what? We're all stiff. You don't need to make noises while you stretch, and grumble about needing a tennis ball for your sore shoulder (at TOP VOLUME), and stretch your arms above your head umpty-million times. Gah.
She is s-l-o-w-m-o-v-i-n-g. I walk pretty quickly. Always have. Likely always will, until I can't anymore. But she is significantly overweight, has breathing problems, and is terribly out of shape. Which = slow walking. Which = slowly driving me insane. Again.
Did I mention the loud sighs?
Oh, and this was the topper. During one presentation, there was a *very helpful*, *very valuable* topic that the presenter was discussing. As in, this could be very useful for my future research. She turned to me - *while he was speaking* - and started talking about how cool this was, and x, and y, and z. I said "Please let me listen to him." No response - kept talking. This time, I put my hand out - like a traffic cop, for Pete's sake! - and said please, let me listen! No response - kept talking! The next time I just said "I need to listen to this - please be quiet." GAH. Talking while the teacher/presenter/lecturer/whomever is talking is one of my least favorite things EVER. And to ignore my request for her to be quiet? Was for me, the height of rudeness.

*******
There, I have that off my chest. My husband will be happy. He was getting tired of me talking and talking and talking (quietly, of course) about my interpersonally frustrating week.
*******
Oh, but there was the awful, awful driving. I think I mentioned that before. Good god. I feel lucky to have gotten home in one piece. Let me just say that *standing* on one's brakes on the highway is probably not a good idea. Just fyi. I'll leave the rest to your imagination. But picture someone with no visual memory, a loud mouth, and a heavy brake foot driving 6+ hours - mostly on highways. Yeah. Where are those Men in Black memory wiper things when you need them?
*******
The basement renovations have started. My husband will be home next week on vacation. And he is resigning from the job that requires him to travel 4 hours away each week and stay there Sunday-->Thursday. I am not at all broken up about this - the owner completely misrepresented not only what my husband would be doing, he also misrepresented the company's finances. So. Moving on. I will be glad to have him home during the week.
*******
On a related topic - I need to learn, when there are guys coming to work on the house, that I need to shower asap, instead of waiting until after I eat breakfast. Because then I run into the issues I'm facing right now: it's almost 9, I am unshowered and rather stinky, and I am fairly sure that the minute I step into the shower, someone will need me for something. Or someone will show up to do something. I suppose I'll just have to bite the bullet and go clean up.
******
Next weekend is the annual college reunion. With my husband's ridiculously fertile college friends. We are the only couple left without children. And I just know that the topic will come up next week. I am dreading it, with a capital "d". I like these people - more than I thought I might. They are friendly and warm and oh-so-midwestern. But I think I confuse them - and the childless thing isn't helping matters. And my emotions regarding this have been rather close to the surface lately. So no, I'm not looking forward to this.
*******
On a related topic, it is now high summer, and the rain has stopped for now. So we are seeing more of our neighbors. Sitting in the driveways, around fire pits, at the pool. Always - always - with their children nearby, running around catching fireflies. Or playing tag. Or jumping in the pool. Or riding little Fisher Price cars around. And here we are - the childless couple. It's even more obvious when the weather is nice. *sigh*

Autonomy and Adulthood

2010-06-26T12:51:00.000-07:00

I attended 'camp' this past week. Not a *fun* camp, mind you - statistics/methodology camp, for my research. While it wasn't fun in the traditional sense, it was particularly helpful in clarifying what I can and cannot do with my data, certain issues surrounding data collection and analysis, and other bits and pieces that are finally coming together as I learn more formally the methods I was apprenticed to for my dissertation.

And boy, does that sound boring. ;) It really was a fun week, for a nerd like me.

Well, the learning part was fun.

Having to spend 4.5 days in a classroom with 20 other academics? Not as much fun.

Having to spend my time with a colleague who I enjoy in small doses, but apparently not in large, week-long doses? Tiring and periodically dispiriting.

Having to ride with said colleague as she terrorized me on the six hour drive to and from camp? Probably took about 5 years off my life.

Returning to my quiet, peaceful home? Priceless.

I've realized recently the value of adulthood and autonomy. Other than actions required for my job - of which there are many, but few that I don't *want* to do - really, no one can make me do what I want to do anymore. This has become particularly clear as I have realized that I do not *have* to watch friends' children for them, unless I want to. I do not *have* to have a meal or drink with someone I do not want to spend time with. I do not *have* to attend extended family gatherings and be made to feel guilty about our continuing childlessness.

I will grant you that my well-developed sense of guilt frequently compels me to do things that I feel a bit wishy-washy about. But for the most part? The things that I am doing...are things that I want to do.

And sometimes? Sometimes I revel in the fact that our schedules are (mostly) our own. That we do not have to worry about child care, or summer camp, or the elementary school calendar. Sometimes I can enjoy that freedom. Other times, I wish our schedules were more crowded. That we had the joy and difficulty of balancing soccer-gymnastics-scouts-campouts-family vacations-visits to the grandparents like so many of our friends and neighbors do.

But for this weekend - while I recover from the past week - I am going to enjoy our unscheduled, relatively unfettered life.

Context

2010-06-17T17:59:00.000-07:00

Well, that was freaky. I couldn't remember what email I used to log in to this blog. Whew. I'm glad my brain finally kicked into gear - otherwise, I was afraid I was gone, never to return. Double whew.

It's been busy here - I am preparing for a week away, starting on Sunday, and my lovely husband will not be home until Wednesday. Sulky puppy will have to be boarded starting on Sunday - which is not exactly a hardship. Let's just say it includes being carried around like a baby, and daily peanut butter. Neither of which he gets at home. ;) But I will miss him - particularly the readily available snuggling - which would be quite welcome, as I am going to statistics camp and might not have much brain power left by Friday.

Anyway....

I have been doing a lot of thinking about context recently. After all, that *is* what I study in my real life. And thinking about how our infertility is not *such* a big thing in the context of how we are living our lives. Most people know that I am on a big-time career track - tenure track, to be precise - and I think it doesn't necessarily surprise them that we do not have children. Of course, they do not know that it's not really by *choice*. But that's okay. The story they tell themselves probably makes a bit of sense, given my career inclinations.

I confess - I am glad that I have too many degrees, and that this is where my career has taken me. I am glad that I no longer work with kids on a daily basis (although that might change, as I develop my faculty practice position). I am glad - this is a little weird - that we are not LDS members. I can't even imagine struggling to have children in the context of being a member of a church that places such a heavy emphasis on family and children and LARGE families. Comparatively, I have it easy.

Sometimes I am glad that we don't live near my family. They were the ones who talked about grandchildren, and talked about when we were going to have children, and what we were going to do. Being distant from them - while difficult - means that our day-to-day context does not include those conversations.

I've been having some difficulty, recently. With the idea that we're done. With the fact that we're not going to try anymore. I suppose it is a process - one that I need to work through, and that my husband needs to work through - but knowing that does not make it any easier.

I think part of my difficulty is that I cannot relate to other peoples' experiences. It just so happens that one of my colleagues studies breastfeeding. I don't have firsthand experience of this, obviously...but I am expected to comment and critique her grants. And her breastfeeding experiences are SUCH a big part of her life. So many of my professional discussions recently have focused on this, and I just stay quiet. What do I have to add? But it's hard. I study kids, but that doesn't mean that I *have* kids. I study cancer, but that doesn't mean that I *have* cancer.

Another difficulty...neighbors are relocating back to their old city. They (like many of our neighbors) have 3 kids. The husband posted on facebook earlier this week about the going away party held by the neighbors at the pool. A party that we were not invited to. An invitation that I suspect was not extended because we are the only family in the neighborhood without children. I don't know that, but I do know who was there. And I know who wasn't there. And that is the main difference I see.

I'm going to have to learn to deal with this, obviously. I guess I just didn't think that my childless status would be hitting me in the face so often - at work, particularly. I expected it in my life at home - we live in a neighborhood full of children, so it's kind of hard to avoid it. I need to learn to lose the defensiveness. To remember that we (at least at this point) have made *this* choice, to remain childless. To remember the good in our decision.

Muddled

2010-06-06T11:45:00.000-07:00

I don't really even know what to write right now...I have been busy at work (preparing for a full! time! faculty! position!), busy outside of work, getting ready for summer, preparing for renovations to the house, and on and on and on. I do wonder what on earth life would be like with a child, since I seem to have difficulty finding time to do everything without one.

I've had a hard time, recently, with the whole no-kids thing. It seems to come in waves. There was a wave of people asking about kids when I accepted the position here - as if, now that I will finally have a real! job!, we would move right ahead with having children. It came up during interviews, too, although it's not supposed to. I didn't mind the *topic* so much as my answers to the questions. And while I thought having the IUD would help me overcome my sadness at not having children, it hasn't really worked yet. Part of the problem seems to be that I am still getting my period - it's lasting a whole lot longer - and I'm having horrible cramping (bring-me-to-my-knees cramping, which is unusual for me). Which makes me think of things like endometriosis. My potentially abnormal-although-maybe-not tubes. Ectopic pregnancy. Etc. So while I know that I can't get pregnant, I don't think my subconscious has quite caught up with that knowledge, yet.

I still haven't pitched the ovulation predictor kits. They're expired now.

I don't know. I'm having a hard time - this in-between time - in part because I haven't yet started my real! job! so there is still time to think what if... Also, in part, because we don't yet have the money to travel or do any of the things we said we would do since we're not going to have children. Also, perhaps, in part because the other incoming assistant professors all seem to have families, and the one person who doesn't is... troubled.

I don't know what the point is of this post...other than to try to gather my scattered thoughts from this point in my life before I lose them. I hope that I adjust to the thought - the reality - of a childless life. I hope that, eventually, the questions about when we are going to have kids fade. I hope that one day the onset of cramps before my period doesn't send me into a frenzy of ectopic-vs-endometriosis-vs-who the hell knows what.

Some random thoughts

2010-04-27T17:03:00.000-07:00

Ah, spring. We had rain all during the weekend, and then yesterday it was cloudy and gloomy and last night it rained again. But we needed it. Our baby landscaping (put in last year, so it's still rather...small) really needed it. I swear some of the plants have grown since yesterday.

Apparently, spring is also when people I find kind-of-annoying are either pregnant or trying to get pregnant. *sigh* One is a colleague from a position I had a few years ago. She is a few years older than me - I think she is now 37? maybe 38? She has a one year old, and when she was trying to get pregnant with him, she was fussing that she wasn't getting pregnant after 4 months of trying. Yeah. At the time, we had been trying for over a year with (obviously) no luck. Guess what? She's pregnant again. Yeah. Due in July. I was very good and didn't snort audibly when she told me. Oh, right - she told me via email. So I guess audible snorting would have been okay. Darn.

The other person is...my husband's ex-wife. They were college sweethearts, but never should have gotten married. When married, they never wanted to have children. Which was fine with my husband - he actually never wanted kids until we got married. Anyway, she remarried a few years ago ... to a guy my mother's age ... and now she wants to have kids. So they are doing IVF. And she is venting to my husband and my mother-in-law. Yeah. I'm kind of still processing that one.

I feel like by going back on birth control, I had to hand in my infertile card. We have a get-together with (our amazingly fertile group of friends) every July, and this year we are in charge. Last year, when we volunteered, the consensus was that we should 'host' before we have kids of our own. Neither of us said anything... but both of us were, of course, thinking that that would be between 'not going to happen' and 'never'. I'm sure someone else will mention it this year. And what do we say? "We can't have kids"? "We're not going to have kids"? *sigh*

Thanks for validating my non-marriage

2010-04-20T14:53:00.000-07:00

I had to get this one out - it has been driving me nuts all day.

We are having a same-sex marriage "debate" in my state. *sigh* I'll just state for the record that I am among the most liberal of liberals - and I hate the fact that there is even a "debate". It's actually kind of a forced "debate", anyway. But I digress.

Periodically, because of this, there are letters to the editor on the topic. Today's gem was from some woman, somewhere, who opined that marriage is between a man and a woman ("mates"), for the purpose of mating. As in, producing children. And that this is the only reason for marriage.

I have heard this before - I have also heard this refuted many times. And it just makes me sad - and discouraged - that, in the eyes of these people, my marriage is seen as "less than" because it has not resulted in the production of the next generation.

I want to write back to her, and ask her whether infertile couples, or those for whom having children is an emotional or financial risk too big to take, or older couples long past the point of reproduction...whether they shouldn't be married either. Because, you know, the whole point is to create the next generation. To populate the earth. And without reproduction, my marriage is, according to this woman, a fraud.

Now, I'm sure she would not agree with all I have typed here. I'm sure she thinks that it's just fine that my husband and I are married but unable to have children. After all, I have two X chromosomes, and he has an X and a Y, so our marriage is just fine. But it's arguments like these that get my blood boiling on two points: 1) that two men or two women shouldn't be married (gah...) and 2) that reproduction is the ultimate point of two people getting married.

I'm being much less coherent than others have been on this same topic, but...it just makes me mad. We don't choose our paths in this life. I wouldn't have chosen to be infertile. People who happen to be gay don't choose that path, either. You take what you're given - you try to partner with the best match for you, whether that is someone of the same sex, or someone who is infertile - and then you live your life.

I won't be writing back to what'shername. She doesn't deserve another minute of my time. But I still need to deal with the feelings that her letter brought up in me...that feeling of being "less than" because my marriage isn't typical. Because my parts are apparently not in working order. Because I can't have the kid(s) that we so desperately want(ed).

Regularly scheduled programming

2010-04-20T06:50:00.000-07:00

I won't talk about my skin today, promise. Except to say that I made an appointment with the dermatologist for next week. We'll see what they say (it's an academic medical center, so seeing multiple people...medical student, resident, attending...is pretty common). I'm actually a bit intrigued to see what they say - since I don't think my skin is typical acne-prone skin. Anyway...I'll leave that alone for a few days. :)

So, we have decided where I will start my career as a faculty member...and it will be right here, in Small University Town, where we are as happy as we have ever been. Whew. It was a long, strange trip to get to this point. Last year, I was even thinking of not looking at other schools, since I was so certain that I wanted to stay here. But the more that I thought about it, the more I realized that I owed it to myself - and to my husband - to look at all the options. So I did. Well, within reason - they were the options that I would even consider professionally, and that met our (long list of) criteria personally.

Funny, then, that after all the travel, the interviews, and the angst over making the decision - that we decide to stay put. That this place is *the* place for us, at this point in our lives. I'm so happy with this decision - so happy with our choice - and I can't wait to get started with the next phase in my professional career.

I hope the transition is smooth-ish, since I have already been here in multiple different roles over the years. I'm sure there will be some role confusion - I've been a student, now a post doc, and will be a faculty member. But I know that we can work through that, too. I just can't wait to get started!

One of the factors that did come into play was medical care. I have a chronic condition. I receive excellent care here. It's not overcrowded - yet - and we can see the care providers we prefer, usually without a really long wait. (See: obtained Derm appointment for 10 days from day of call to scheduling, above.) And, as two friends who know of our struggles with infertility pointed out, this is a) a good place to raise children, and b) the place where all of my records are, with providers I trust, if we decide to pursue IVF in the next few years. I am not saying we *will* - but it is nice to have the option if we so choose.

This workplace is also very family friendly - and it's not just family friendly to those with children, although most people do have kids. There is a recognition that everyone has a life outside of work. The building is quiet after 5 pm. There are few people there over the weekends. If you are working on a grant, then of course it's not unexpected that you will be there a few late nights, or a few extra days a week. But working from home is accepted. Taking time off is accepted. Even (gasp!) going on *vacation* is expected and accepted. It's a nurturing environment, and I need that at this point in my career.

More tomorrow on the questions about family and children that I encountered during the interview process...they opened up some old wounds, but I also surprised myself with how little I let them bother me, at least during the interview days themselves.

On a completely different topic

2010-04-19T07:04:00.000-07:00

Oh, my goodness. Can we talk about my skin for a minute? I'm completely obsessing over it - without seeing any results, unfortunately - and it always helps to write things out here.

I think I actually mentioned it in a post on birth control options - but my skin looks worse than it ever has. I never had acne this bad as a teenager or young adult. Never. It has gotten progressively worse over the last year - despite trying prescription treatments, and coordinated OTC "treatment systems", and doing nothing. I'm at the end of my rope - it is not cool for someone in her mid 30s to have such horrible skin! And I don't even know what to do next. *sigh*

I wrote out everything I have tried over the past year this morning, and it's a little sobering. I've spent waaaay too much money trying to get it to clear up. I've tried heavy-duty treatments and I've tried just washing and moisturizing. I've tried different brands. I've tried different products for different skin types. I'm at the end of my rope here.

My husband suggested going back to the dermatologist...but since the stuff they prescribed last year a) stopped working after 4 months and then b) led to my facial skin literally peeling off, I'm not so keen on that suggestion.

I'm done whining - for now - but it is so depressing to look in the mirror every day and see...this. This horrible skin. These red and angry marks. This woman whose self-esteem is taking a huge blow every time she has to go out in public. Or see her husband. Or go to work. All of which I do on a regular basis. It seems so... trivial, in the grand scheme of things. Acne never killed anyone. My appearance is not me - I know what I am capable of. But it certainly can make life miserable, and it makes me feel horrible, and it never seems to get any better. *sigh*

I took pictures today with my Blackberry. I am currently in "do nothing" mode, figuring that everything I have tried has my skin up in arms and reacting horribly to any intervention. I hope to keep this up for at least another 2-3 weeks, just to see what happens. I'm going to make an appt with the dermatologist for May (I need a mole check, anyway) and if it's not better by then, well, we'll see what they say.

Searching high, searching low

2010-03-26T07:49:00.000-07:00

The other thing that has been keeping me - and us - busy is the job search.

I am in the 2nd year of a post doctoral fellowship. This means that I am now on the market for tenure-track faculty positions. Which, to be honest, scares the living you-know-what out of me. Seriously. Me? On faculty? With responsibilities and expectations and all that sort of thing? Yikes!

I can't quite figure out sometimes how I got here - how I got from the nerdy freshman in college who (despite studying lots and lots and lots) didn't ace everything...to the mid-20s practitioner who finally found her niche...to the 30 year old who loves academia so much she doesn't want to leave...to now, when I stand on the edge of a whole new part of my professional life.

It's a little scary, to be honest.

I have spent the last month+ selling myself to four different schools in four different cities, in an effort to find the best match - for me and for them. It's been more enjoyable but also a lot harder than I ever imagined it would be.

Option 1 is my current home - the place where I earned my degree (albeit long-distance); the place where I am completing my fellowship. It's a comfortable and nurturing place. I don't doubt that I would do well here...and that we would have the lifestyle to which we have become accustomed (small town setting; university town; Midwestern; etc.). But - in the middle of all this good stuff - the thought comes creeping in that this might not be the *best* place for me to launch my career. Nurturing needs to be balanced with opportunities...and I'm not sure that the opportunities here are the best for me.

Option 2 is closest to most of our friends. It's a school in the Northeast, but it has a very different philosophy and make up than the other schools I am considering. I would be in the minority there - most people focus on things other than straight-up research (which is what I do). That, and the fact that the students were almost universally referred to as "challenging", make this option fall down a few spots on the list.

Option 3 is a vibrant urban school with lots of energy and possibilities. It's also my alma mater for my undergrad degree. Which means there is a lot of emotion and other "stuff" tied into this one, as well. I loved my interview day here - it was busy, but challenging, and I could see how I would fit. On the downside? Very very urban. Our way of life would likely change significantly. And I don't know how I would do back on the East coast, in a *city*. I know, wimpy. Also - while the school has some nurturing qualities (we want you to succeed!) it is also cutthroat and competitive. I could not be a shrinking violet here - I'd have to grab on and, well, lead the way. As cheesy as that sounds.

Option 4 is kind of a weird blend of options 1 and 3. It's in an urban area in a mostly rural state. It is in the Midwest. But it's not a typical big university - it's a small university, in an urban setting. The options there are intriguing...but again, I'm not sure the fit is right. This one is more similar to option 2 in terms of how I would *fit* there. And that is becoming increasingly important to me as I sort through these options.

So, what am I going to do? Oh, right! I'm married! I have to consider my husband's needs, concerns, and wishes, too. And the dog's. ;) I have no idea right now which option will come out on top. None. I want my husband to have options wherever we end up, as well, and that is one big drawback to option 1. But he loved option 2, which isn't the best choice for me. *sigh* So there will be lots of conversation and back and forth and thinking.

And, of course, I only have an offer from option 1 at this point! I might be putting the cart before the horse, as there are no guarantees that I will be offered positions at the other schools.

So, ponder ponder.

What, exactly, are we trying to prevent?

2010-03-25T08:25:00.000-07:00

So, the other thing I have had on my plate the last few months is our decision to use more...long-term (I don't like the term "permanent") birth control.

Yes, that seems completely counterintuitive. We can't get pregnant (despite multiple attempts), so we probably don't *need* to use something. And why on earth wouldn't we welcome a child who results from an unplanned pregnancy?

Except that is one of my biggest fears right now - the unplanned pregnancy.

To be honest, about 50% of this is fear regarding my professional life. I am starting a new - and potentially very stressful - phase in my career. I will be getting on the tenure track. And, depending on where I choose to start my career, I will be going up for tenure in 6 short years. Six. Years.

Granted, most places are quite equitable now, in terms of granting time off the tenure clock, reducing teaching expectations for new parents, and that sort of thing. But. But. But. Given my personality - my perfectionist tendencies - and the possibility that we may be moving back to A Big City (depending on which jobs I am offered, and which one I choose)...well, it's just not the best time for us to have an unplanned pregnancy.

The other 50% of the fear is due to the fact that I am not exactly following recommendations for women who are trying to get pregnant. I like a glass of wine with dinner - or a beer with lunch on Saturdays. I am careful but not overly so about what products I use. I am not in the careful mindset of someone who is thinking about gestating a growing embryo/fetus/child. And I have seen too many things go wrong to risk an unplanned pregnancy *when I am making potentially unhealthful choices for a growing embryo*. Note that I didn't say they're not unhealthful choices for ME - there is always room in my life for a glass of wine. But I do not want to...what's the word...stick a kid with these choices. It's not fair. I'm more careful than that.

And, a teeny tiny part of me - maybe bigger than I'm giving it credit for - is due to the emotional impact of being infertile-yet-not-giving-up-hope. It's the part of me that thinks, yes! I *could* be one of the lucky ones! And to be honest? Having that hope every.single.month, and then losing that hope every.single.month (or, to be honest, again - every 21-25 days) was wearing on me. I know people deal with that for longer than I did. But to have my hopes dashed every month...to think that THIS TIME, it might have worked? I couldn't deal with that any more. Particularly given the potential for the time on the tenure track (wow, that was alliterative) to be emotionally difficult in other ways. It's not fair to me - or to my husband - to add hope (and despair) over failed conception to the mix.

We decided that an IUD would be the best move. I'm not yet ready to jump into something permanent - who knows what could change in a few years??? But this is the next best thing. It's relatively mindless. I don't have to take something every day. The hormonal effects are local, not systemic. So, good choice all around.

I spent the insertion talking about our infertility and the choices we had made with the attending and the nurse, while the resident placed the IUD. That was interesting...I've become much more adept at talking about it, even when I don't want to.

But the aftermath...good grief. The same part of me that thought "maybe we'll be one of the lucky ones!" also thought "maybe I'll be one of the people who has no bleeding, no cramping, and no periods!" Um, yeah. No. Cramping for a week+. Bleeding now for a week+. Feeling like my insides were being twisted like a towel is wrung. Laughing at their suggestion of back up contraception for two weeks because, a) remember, I can't get pregnant? and b) why on earth would I want to have sex feeling like THIS????

My husband is overseas for a week or so, then working (as per usual) in the Big City until coming home for Easter weekend. We'll go to my in-laws' (sigh). So we'll probably be abstinent for most of a month after the insertion. Which is good. It's...it's a little icky right now. Here's hoping it gets better. The cramping has improved remarkably...I am hopeful that the bleeding is next.

Connections

2010-03-23T14:24:00.000-07:00

Goodness, it is a small world out there. Particularly in my line of work. This has been really evident during the FOUR job interviews that I have been on in the last month+. I'm not complaining - no, really, I'm not. But it's kind of hilarious to realize that I have only really been in this part of my profession for...not quite 9 years? Actually - not even that. Let's go with 7 ish years. And I knew someone at every single one of these Universities. Now, that may be partly because I chose these places knowing that someone I know (and, generally, like) is already working there. Who better to give me the lowdown on what is actually happening there? But it was still kind of funny.

Also - people tend to know other people in my line of work (e.g., "Oh, I know [your advisor]! Please say hi when you get back home!). This should not surprise me - but it also serves as a reminder to a) never act like a jerk (not too difficult, I hope...) and b) never, ever, ever, under any circumstances, if I can help it, should I burn a professional bridge. And I do mean Never. Ever.

So, now I am juggling all of these options and trying to make a decision and making spreadsheets and pro/con lists and even lists of the intangibles, which, my God, who does that? I already have the gut feeling it will come down to choice A or choice B...but I need to get there in a couple ways - by going through the data, and by exploring how I felt when I interviewed at each place.

The problem is this - I know I could do great work both places. I know I would work with wonderful people. I know I would advance in my field. But choice B (which happens to be my alma mater) is just a little bit more than choice A. Choice A (which happens to be my current location) is a great school - but it's just a smidgen 'below' choice B on the ladder of most-influential-and-scary-places-to-do-good work. Also? Choice B - I would be one of the only people in my specialty. Choice A? I'd be (at least for the time being) with a group focused on that topic, and I would be one member of a team.

I've been likening choice A to a pair of yoga pants. They may not be perfect, but boy, are they comfortable. And they fit. And they flatter nearly everyone. And did I say that they're comfortable?

Choice B is like make up and high heels. Every day. Have I mentioned that I am *not* a makeup person in my personal life? My husband would laugh his head off if I characterized myself as such. But in my professional life? With all the weight that carries? Do I want to be at the place that forces me to be a little better than what I would be on my own? Do I (as an adviser said) go to the place where I can do the best science? or do I go to the place where I feel comfortable and happy?

AUGH...the choices. And this is just my opinion! Imagine how much fun this will be when my husband finally returns from overseas (work trip) and we sit down to work through this together.

I suspect lots of wine will be consumed.

****

The other aspect of all of this that I haven't really thought about is - that we don't have a really integrated network of friends here. So even if we went with choice A - the comfortable choice - I'm not sure how our lives here would play out in the long term.

I feel like I am constantly on the outside looking in with the people I have met since we moved here almost 2 years ago. The people I knew from before are now each other's best friends - they talk multiple times a day. I don't have the time or the patience for that -so I don't really begrudge them that. But how nice would it be to have a local best friend? Someone to meet for lunch, or shopping, or just getting out of the house? (I just typed "hose"....maybe I'm secretly Canadian?)

And I don't fit in with the neighborhood women - all married (well, I am, too) and with at least one child. Most have multiple children. And many stay home. So I don't really fit in with them, either. I mean, they're polite to me, but we have nothing in common that I can tell.

I'm not really connecting with many people on the Internets, either. In part because I am just naturally an introvert (comment on blog posts!?!?!? Why would I do that??) and in part because...well, it's more comfortable not to put myself out there.

So, I wonder. Would our lives change substantially if we stayed here? Probably not. Am I happy with that? I think I am.

Would our lives change substantially if we moved elsewhere? Probably not. We're introverts. We love each other's company. We don't mind not going out with people every 3rd weeknight and every weekend...But sometimes it gets lonely. I'm just not sure how to break out of my shell, whether it's here or elsewhere.

Decisions

2010-03-21T17:38:00.000-07:00

So, a month or so ago, we had another one of our talks about birth control. I know this seems like an odd topic for a couple that can't get pregnant, no matter how much they try, but it's an important topic for us. We actually don't want an unplanned pregnancy. To be honest, I am not abstaining from all things that I should when pregnant (*cough* wine *cough*), and we are not at a point in our lives where an unplanned pregnancy would be a good thing (lots of time apart, busy work lives, extensive travel for the next 6 months, a likely job change for me, possible move...etc.). So. We decided that we should do something more than haul out a condom whenever we were enjoying each other's company, so to speak.

We were both tired of the condoms, and the fact that as a monogamous married couple, they seemed kind of...adolescent. I had been on the Pill for years and years and years. Loved what it did for my face...not so sure about the potential side effects of systemic hormones. Not to mention, I'm nearing the age barrier of 35, and I wasn't sure what the doc would say about that choice.

After consultation with my family doc (side note: I looove having a family doc, where I can discuss my father's new diagnosis of arrhythmia, my toenails with the possible fungal infection, and my long-term birth control choices all in the same visit), we decided that the IUD was going to be the best choice for us. Hormonal, yes, but long-term, reliable birth control, with localized hormones as opposed to systemic.

I scheduled the insertion and didn't think anything more of it.

Until I started scheduling my interviews. And realized that insertion came 3 days before interview #4 - the final interview. Gah.

I thought this would probably be no big deal. I'd had an HSG and other diagnostics for the infertility work up. This would be nothing.

Um, yeah. Well, it wasn't so bad the day of. I loaded up on Advil, took myself off to my appointment - after a stop at the office, because, you know, I was *there* - and made it through as a "rock star", per the attending's opinion.

And even over the next two days, it wasn't so bad. But, unfortunately, insertion coincided with the onset of (duh duh duh...) my period. And the cramps have - off and on - been almost incapacitating. I *never* get cramps this bad. And the bleeding has lasted almost a week this time. I knew that I would likely bleed more than usual. I was even prepared for weeks and weeks of off and on bleeding. But the cramps. My goodness. I don't think of myself as a wimp, but I really hope they are on the way out.

***

In other news, I'm trying to make peace with my face. Good grief. It's been *awful*. Philosophy products do NOT work for me. This I now know. My face has never been this bad.

So I woke up the other day, and thought, hm. Throwing all of these products at my face every day - benzoyl peroxide, retinol, salicylic acid - seems to make no difference. So, I decided to give it all up - except for washing my face, using retinol every night, and moisturizer. So far, actually, not so bad. It's certainly not *worse*. I started this on Friday - we'll see how it is in a week and a half.

Oy

2010-03-17T15:01:00.000-07:00

How is this even possible? That I haven't written here in more than a month? Argh...

So much to catch up on...so many thoughts rattling around in my brain...so many decisions to make over the next few weeks. Not small ones, BIG, hard, difficult decisions.

We have already made some decisions regarding our reproductive future. Perhaps it wasn't the wisest decision I've ever made to make those decisions at the same time I am going through the job search and interview process. That might not have been the best thing for me - but the decisions were made, and we followed through on them, and now it is (almost) over. Except, of course, when the universe decided to laugh at me today, by having a friend (several years older, with a one-year-old conceived after 6 months and "lots of worry") tell me about her current pregnancy. She is due in August. I, personally, am not convinced that this is fair, but there isn't really anyone with whom I could lodge a complaint.

Who knows what decision I will make regarding where to work, and with whom, and whether we will have to move after settling so nicely into this community a few years ago. I could do desperately with some counsel regarding that decision - neutral, wise, helpful counsel - but I have managed to apply for jobs at the very places where my (within-specialty) mentors work. Which kind of precludes me contacting them for help in making the decision. So, argh to that, as well.

We are both so stressed and so anxious about where we will be living, what we will be doing, and how all of this will play out, that we are having some difficulty - not for the first time - being kind to each other, and supportive of what the other needs and wants at any particular time. Perhaps this is being exacerbated by distance? I knew the long-distance relationship thing (even for 3.5 days/week) was going to be difficult...but I didn't realize that it would alter our interaction patterns, and make it more difficult to get through these rough patches. There is something to be said for being in the same physical space to help get through difficult times.

And now it is springlike here...in the 50s...with sunshine and warm breezes. We are, of course, supposed to get a rain/snow mix on Saturday, so it will not last forever. But for now, the dog is happily ensconced on his porch. The sun is shining. The kids are on spring break and are outside playing. And it is almost happy hour here in the land of difficult decisions. A glass of wine may not make everything better, but it is very nice to look forward to at the end of a long day....long week....long month.

I'll write about all these things in the next days. I just need to...gather...myself before I do. So many emotions, and hard choices, and indecision rattling around in my brain.

Brain dump

2010-02-14T16:40:00.000-08:00

Wow, it's been a while. I hadn't realized just how long until I came back here and looked at the date stamp on my last entry. Almost a month! Goodness. It's been crazy busy around here, so that has eaten into my down time, but that's no excuse. Time to dump some of the things that have been rattling around in my brain, if I can remember them. ;)

****
I'm starting my job search - well, really, I'm kind of in the middle of it now - and it's getting to the nervewracking part. I am going for tenure track faculty positions, and I have interviews for four schools. The first one, at my current school, is this coming Weds. There is another one next week. I'll probably get a break of 2 weeks before the next one, and #4 hasn't been scheduled yet.

I have my job talk all prepped, and we've been very careful about my top choices of schools. My husband is going to come with me to the other interviews away from home, to get a feel for the area. We're going to meet with realtors. We're being as careful and deliberate as we can possibly be. That's just our nature.

But the *process* is nervewracking. I had my first anxiety dream last night - that I was late to the interview at my home institution. Something about how I arrived that morning in "comfy clothes". Ha. Can you imagine? Anyway, anxiety dreams and job talk nerves aside, I am feeling okay. I would like to only focus on the job search right now, but of course, life goes on.

****
My father had an "episode" when my parents left for vacation a few weeks ago. As in, he lost consciousness on the plane, and they had to turn the plane around. He spent a few days in the hospital - thank god, no major problems, and the loss of consciousness was likely triggered by an easily-avoidable behavior. But in the course of his workup, they found an inherited arrhythmia. So guess who bought herself a cardiology appointment this Friday? I started with a family doc, who did an EKG, but given my family history; heart murmur; occasional PVC's; and slightly abnormal EKG, she felt more comfortable sending me along to cardiology. I hope I'm the healthiest person they see in clinic this week. You know, just a little extra anxiety on top of the job search.

****
I'm feeling rather antisocial these days, and I'm not really sure why. Too much going on, perhaps? I just feel like it's one more thing I have to deal with, and my plate seems rather full these days.

****
It's going well having N away from Sunday through Thursday. We both get a lot of work done. We miss each other but really enjoy our time together over the weekends. I think he misses the dog. I know it gets lonely about Wednesday night - but then, he's coming home the next day. It helps that we have both been crazy busy. He is going to be traveling a lot - for my interviews, and for work - and I am, of course, working on grants and job talks and everything else that I need to do during my post doc. So, it's working. We're happy. No matter what other people think (and I think the majority of them think that we're weird for being okay with this...).

****
I really don't want to move from our house and our neighborhood - and I need to get over this while I go through the job search, so I can keep an open mind. It's more leaving our lifestyle than anything else. I worry about where we would live in each town - what the commute would be like - how I would structure my life - etc. Here, I have things set up so that they work well with my schedule and my life and everything else. But elsewhere, who knows? I've had this before - and I just need to get over it. Hopefully, traveling for the next interview next week will help me see beyond what we have now, to make sure that we make the best decision for us going forward.

****
I haven't had any time at all to think about our childlessness, or those ovulation predictor kits *still* sitting in the bathroom drawer. That's probably a good thing. I'm sure the question of whether we have kids will come up during these interviews -whether it should or not. And I know how I will answer. It's just that...I hope it doesn't hit me the wrong way, particularly when I am on an interview and I need to be professional. Maybe it's best that I'm having the interview at my "home school" first, after all.

I'm sure I have more rattling around in my brain, but that's all I can come up with for now.

I could never...

2010-01-19T17:14:00.000-08:00

When reading - usually a newspaper article, wedding announcement, or obituary - I often say to myself "Wow, I could never..." I never really realized it before - but there are a lot of things that I think I could "never" do.

These include (in no particular order...): living in Manhattan (I always, always think this when reading the wedding announcements in the NYT...I know it's Manhattan-centric, but every time I read that A, a lawyer, and B, a VP at a financial firm, have tied the knot and live in Manhattan...I get a little twitchy. It might be all big cities - I've only lived in one and outside of another, really, and I'm more of a small-town kind of girl - but the very idea of living in Manhattan, well, it gives me hives. And wow, this is a long parenthetical...); having 12 children (frequently seen in local obits); living one's entire life and dying in the same town in which one was born (again, a relatively frequent occurrence in the local obits); being a member of 8 bazillion social organizations; and working in the same job for one's entire life.

I don't know if these "I could never"'s are merely a reflection of who I am - and if I am becoming more and more familiar with myself and my preferences - or if I am becoming, in some ways, a snob? Is it just that I like my life, or that I don't want to consider other ways of living?

It's starting to spill over into the having children thing. The more I read about children and messes and illnesses (usually barfy illnesses, if we're being honest here) and tight schedules and interrupted sleep...the more I start to think that maybe this child-free thing isn't so bad, after all.

Either that or my mind is trying to play a trick on me.

*****
In other news, we are sort-of debating becoming a two-dog family. There is a 7 yr old Beagle mix at the shelter where we adopted our fantastic puppy dog. She was brought in because her owner couldn't care for her anymore. :( We don't know why she has been there so long - but we are debating going to see her this weekend. She might just be the missing piece of our family.

*****
I am really, seriously considering training for a triathlon. Today I swam for 60 minutes with minimal breaks. Woo hoo! I still smell like chlorine, too, which I secretly love.

Things that are driving me crazy

2010-01-18T12:03:00.000-08:00

I feel like I've been doing a pretty good job of keeping a lid on my occasionally quick temper recently...particularly with N working far from home. This week we're going on 8 days with him gone - he had a big meeting last week on the West coast, came back Saturday, and just stayed at work, basically. He'll be home Weds.

Usually, when he is gone, I find myself kind of losing it after a few days. When he is gone, many of the little things that usually roll off my back really get to me. And then I find myself doing weird things like screaming in the car (actually, a good place to scream...), or taking it out on the dog (not physically, good grief, what do you think I am?), or slamming doors. None of which are good for my mental health or the dog's.

So with this extended absence, I have been trying to keep it under control. And it seems to be working. Sometimes I feel even a little bit zen. :)

But there are some things that drive me crazy, and I just have to get them off my chest. Which is why I am here. Because where better to list them, than on an anonymous blog? Yay, anonymity.

So here, in no particular order, are the things that are just driving me mildly crazy right now...

The blogs I read. Most of them are by women who have children. Which is fine. But most of them also focus exclusively on the children. It doesn't help that many of them are by women who have dealt - successfully, obviously - with infertility. So I spend some of my time - in more recent months, probably 30 minutes a day - reading blogs by women who have chosen a different path than I did. And who are now raising what seems to be a ridiculous number of children. I think I need to update my Google reader. The problem is that I can't find a lot of blogs like Holly's Nothing but Bonfires. Huh. Maybe I should check out her blogroll. I'd also love to find more women who have gone down the child free path after dealing with infertility - which is where we are, and what we are doing - but the blogs I have been able to find are either a) really religious (just not for me); or b) not being updated. *sigh*
Commercials. Two in particular:

The Staples one with the "Wow, that's a low price!" guy. It makes me want to stab my ears. With a sharp knife. Seriously - this one even irritates me when it's on mute at the gym and I'm seeing the closed captioning.
The Chevy commercials with Howie Long. Maybe it's the tone of his voice? The "you idiot, buying a Honda or Toyota, when you could get a better deal on a Chevy!" The worst one? The one with the irritating (although cute) little girl. Who's a big girl, and she's going to tell us that until our @#(%#@(* ears bleed. Gah.

Religious extremists. Of all stripes. And I will leave it at that.
People who paint others with a broad brush, and who usually make sweeping generalizations about a) women; b) health care providers; c) Democrats; d) families without children. Obviously, I fall into all of the above categories. And sometimes it just burns my cookies when people overgeneralize and they're doing it about me. Or a group that I belong to.
Our refrigerator. I should love it - it's stainless steel, relatively new, and has a water and ice dispenser (so fancy! I've never had one before!). But (okay, nitpickiness and first-world problems coming up) I can't fit much in it. It's soooo narrow. And, even worse, we can't get the drawers out to clean, because the door bumps up against the doorjamb to the slider in the kitchen. Argh.

Okay, that's all for now. On the good side? The dog. My husband. That we live in a beautiful and warm house in a safe neighborhood, surrounded by good people. We have jobs. And health insurance. Our families are (relatively) healthy, even if they occasionally drive us nuts. We have plenty of food to eat, water to drink, and usually some wine. Or even homemade hooch. I'm busy and fulfilled with my job. Really? We're quite lucky. Which is why I sometimes need a reality check, that the things that are annoying me right now are pretty superficial. Some of them could be fixed by a quicker finger on the Mute button. Others? By removing myself from a situation, or not reading a blog that is driving me crazy anymore. I've been getting better at that. When I read something and I'm rolling my eyes more days than I'm enjoying what I've read? Time to move on. It happens to all of us.

And now, moving on to some actual work...

Trash

2010-01-14T17:45:00.000-08:00

So, for the last 8 months (since we stopped seeing the RE) I have kept ovulation predictor kits in my bathroom drawer. It occurred to me a few weeks ago that I should see whether someone wants to use them, since we are not going to before they expire.

I emailed a friend - she has a two and a half year old - and asked whether she would like them. (They expire in May and June.) And then I thought, hm, I should tell her that she can just ignore me if she wants, since this is kind of a personal topic. At least for the normal people among us. I could talk about opk's til the cows come home (what brand? how did it work? did it vary according to the time of day? and on and on...). But I figured there might be some kind of line there that I was crossing by asking if she wanted to use these.

She doesn't. They're waiting a little longer before trying for another baby. So she won't use them by the time they expire.

Now I have opk's sitting in my drawer, unwanted by me or the only other local person I can think of who might have a use for them. And I don't want to throw them out. It's some kind of denial, I suspect. If I have them in the drawer, then there is always the chance that I could use them one month, that we could time things properly, and poof! we would succeed where we have only had failure. But I know that won't happen.

On a kind-of-related note, I am trying to figure out what to do about birth control. I know, I feel like a complete idiot deciding about birth control when it's not like I really have to worry about pregnancy. I've been off of b.c. for two and a half years now, long enough to get a diagnosis of unexplained infertility, and to have a lot of cycles slip by without two pink lines. But I'm getting fed up with the irregular cycles, the acne (oh, the acne...), etc. etc. etc. So I'm debating whether to go on the Pill, or the extended cycle Pill, or a hormonal IUD. We shall see...

Baggage

2010-01-10T15:20:00.000-08:00

It's funny what pops into mind when I am working on something relatively mindless. Yesterday, it was switching the shower curtains. Moving the one from our bathroom to the guest bath, and putting in a new one in our bath. [I had to move ours because I washed it in hot water and bleach thanks to a small mildew issue...and then the curtain and liner both shrank so much that they weren't doing the job in our stall shower...oops.] Anyway, there I was on the bathroom floor, threading hooks through the holes in the shower curtain, when I flashed back to my old boss and something she used to say quite frequently.

She was old-school feminist. And by that, I mean that she was one of the first women to go to her medical school. She did not want to change her name. She does not wear a wedding ring. She seems almost...angry...when someone asks after her husband. Part of this is personality and part is, I think, a product of the era in which she came of age.

Part of her set of core beliefs was that women who choose to have children - and who then integrate raising their children with a career - are shortchanging their careers. She chose not to have children - and she thinks that *all* career-minded women should make the same choice. That this woman specialized in a field with children boggles the mind. But there it is.

Anyway, I used to listen to her ranting about the latest pregnant employee, or lamenting the fact that so-and-so would never be the same now that she had a child, or being downright angry that an employee had the *gall* to get pregnant and now required (gasp!) maternity leave! I mean, really!

I always kind of protested in my head, but I kept quiet when she went on her rampages. There was nothing to be gained from engaging her, and I knew that I wanted a family and a career. When I got married, I added my husband's name to my own. I'm now exclusively using my married last name professionally and personally. I don't think that this reduces me in anyway, or that it means I have lost my identity.

But my inability to have a child...in a weird way, it makes me feel like I am agreeing with her. And I don't. I really, really don't. I think that the beauty of feminism is that women are free to make their own choices. Some women choose to have children - some women do not. Some women choose to change their names after marriage - some women do not (or their husbands change their names, or both parties change their names). Some women choose to work after having children, other women do not. I have made my own choices - career, taking my husband's last name, etc. But I feel like the choice have children was taken away from me.

In part, I think I have these feelings because we have chosen not to pursue other avenues for having a family. Again, each family chooses what is right for its members. For us, right now, it does not make sense to pursue other options. That is the choice we have made. But because we are not barreling full-steam down the path of different reproductive options, or pursuing adoption, I...feel like we didn't want it enough? I'm not sure how to articulate this. We really wanted a child - we were willing to do some interventions to get there - but not knowing what the problem is, or what the outcomes would be of different, more expensive, and more intensive interventions was a problem for us. But we were not willing to sacrifice our emotional and financial security to have a child. And because of that - because of a choice that my husband and I made consciously (albeit reluctantly) - I feel like I am a bad infertile. Or that we didn't want this enough.

And knowing how my old boss feels - that women *shouldn't* have children if they also want to have a career - I feel like I have bought in to her mentality. That, if she could see me now (and I may cross paths with her in the future), she would be *proud* that I do not have children, and that I am instead focusing on my career. And I don't want that - this is not a choice I wanted to make.

It makes me think of all the variables that are known to the people making choices and decisions, that aren't known to everyone on the outside looking in. We can never really know exactly why an individual or a couple makes a particular decision. But maybe we can believe that, whatever the choice or decision, that individual or couple has weighed all the evidence available, and has come to the decision that is right for them. Life - and its associated choices - is hard enough.

Again

2010-01-09T09:42:00.000-08:00

I did it again...

The friend who is pregnant with twins by donor IUI? I didn't call her on her birthday. I haven't emailed since then (it's been a little over a week) and I am having difficulty getting up the gumption to even text her. *sigh* I've done this before with friends who have gotten pregnant - I think I've even written about it. I....distance myself, for lack of a better word. I don't like it - I usually realize it within a few weeks - but then I have trouble getting myself out of that no-contact rut.

Is it because she's pregnant? I really don't know. I know that's at least part of why I'm having trouble contacting her, even now that I have realized that I missed her birthday and that I am reluctant to email/text/call her. It wasn't an easy pregnancy to achieve - I think she had 4-5 IUIs - and she has had some bleeding.

I don't think I want to hear about it either way...If the pregnancy is going well, then I will need to be happy with her. If she lost one or both of the babies, I will have to help her work through it. And in the back of my mind will be one thought - that at least she *got* pregnant. At least she has been there once - and, presumably, she could be there again.

More and more, I think the most difficult thing about this whole infertility journey is that I have never been able to *get pregnant*. I would not wish miscarriages on anyone - but I would like to know that my body is capable of at least achieving pregnancy. And on this most basic of human actions - the ability to carry on the species - it has failed me.

Maybe that's why I'm starting to push myself harder in my workouts. It's not just that I would like to lose some weight. I think I want to see that my body can do what I ask it to do. Of course, it can't do the one thing that I thought I wanted most in the world. But if it can't do that, maybe it could do another marathon. Or a couple of half-marathons. Even a triathlon.

I still get irritated with my body every month when, yet again, I am reminded of my inability to achieve pregnancy. Maybe if I realize just how much it *can* achieve, that will help me work through this.

Friends

2010-01-06T08:39:00.000-08:00

I feel like I (and we, as a couple) have a very hard time making friends. I don't know why that is. I do seem to gather people as I move through my life, as does my husband, but we have also tended to wind up living far from those we are closest too. I think part of the problem is that we are both introverts. Well, technically, I'm on the border between intro- and extraverted, but I think that stems mostly from my comfort with people when I *do* know them well.

Most nights will find us (or me, if he is away for work) hanging out at home with the dog, watching some TV or maybe a movie, or reading. And I don't have a problem with that! I love sitting on the couch with the dog, reading, or talking to my parents on the phone about one of their many computer-related questions. But I feel like we should have a broader social circle, that we should maybe be going out to dinner or hanging out with other couples. And we don't have that.

I do think that not having kids contributes to this pretty significantly. We don't have kids - so we don't have the opportunity to meet people at kid-centered activities. I don't go to kindermusik, or gymnastics, or need to set up a baby sitting co-op. I don't carpool to take kids to school, or need to set up play dates. I met people when I was in school, but now, in this post doc? I don't know quite where I fit in.

It's probably going to be worse with my husband working in the city and only coming home on weekends. He works all the time when he is there, so I don't anticipate him gathering a group of city friends anytime soon. When he is home on weekends, we spend most of our time together. We don't go to church - we don't really have a desire to. And while we are happy with our lives, and content with the extent of our socialization, I can't help but feel that ours is a pretty lonely life, and that we might benefit from a broader circle of friends.

If something happened (let's hope it doesn't, but work with me here...) I am not sure who would help us out. Neighbors have offered to help if I can't get the snowblower started when N is not here, or to check on our house when we are away. But that doesn't translate into dinners together, or even just hanging out.

Why am I even worrying about this? Is it some sort of societal mandate that we all must socialize x number of nights per month? Is it that I read in my fluffy magazines about people going out to dinner, making plans with friends, and "entertaining" regularly?

I think I started thinking about this - again - when we visited my in laws for Christmas. They have very few...well, really, *no* friends. If family friends hadn't made the trek to our wedding, they wouldn't have had any non-family members there. And from my perspective, I do not want to end up like that. I want to have people I can call if I need to - or meet for coffee if we want to - or just hang out with. I just don't know how to go about gathering those people in this phase of our lives.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

2010-01-05T07:43:00.000-08:00

It occurred to me this morning that there are several things I've 'discovered' over the past year that have made my life easier, in some ways, and just more pleasant. I admit to being a late adopter - but once I've made a change for the better, I tend to really embrace it.

A few things I don't think I knew about last year (or, if I did, I hadn't yet leaped over the chasm of my-god-do-I-change-my-routine???):

- The razor blades with the built in shaving stuff. Seriously. How did I miss this for so long? No more juggling soap and razor, usually dropping both. And it's faster, too. I feel like an idiot for ignoring them for so long - the higher cost is definitely worth it!
- Purity face cleanser. This was one of Amalah's Advice Smackdown recommendations. People on that site have consistently raved about the cleanser, but again. Late adopter here. It's been two weeks. My face is no longer peeling (Cetaphil, I'm looking at you); my horrible zits (likely due to overdrying my skin) are resolving; and I made it through *that* week of the month with minimal damage. Those zits that do show up are much smaller, not nearly as irritated, and disappear much faster. How can a face wash be a life changer?
- Vitamin D. I started taking higher doses after...huh. I can't remember who recommended it. Maybe the family doc I finally saw after putting it off for years? Anyway, I'm taking 2000 mg/day and whether it's that or some other change I made in my diet or lifestyle, my headaches are much more infrequent; I have much more energy; and I no longer fall asleep on the couch at 7 pm. Well, most nights. I need to make sure I drink enough fluids during the day (kidney stones - not something I am aiming for!), but other than that....
- My Blackberry. Okay, I admit it. I did NOT want this thing. But my husband got suckered in by one of those buy-one-get-one mailings, and now I don't want to give it up. Having internet/email/twitter access while traveling? Priceless. With N now working 200 miles away during the week, I love that I can text and email him easily from my phone. Some might call it nagging, I call it love...
- HDTV. I didn't want this either. But my god, have you *seen* basketball in hi def? It's amazing. Now, honestly, I probably don't *want* to see every overly tanned pore on Roy Williams' face. But the clarity of the picture is astonishing.

Now on to do some actual work...

New Year's Eve Review

2010-01-03T17:40:00.000-08:00

Pulled from Sundry's blog, which I love and read, but never comment on.

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
Let's do bullet points...I love bullet points.

Ran two half-marathons
Published THREE papers as the first author
Made a lot of new recipes
Turned 34

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don't really remember resolving anything at the beginning of 2009, so let's call it a clean slate.
For 2010, my two resolutions are: 1) to try not to overthink tasks and chores (as in, if the house needs to be dusted, for God's sake, woman, just *dust* it...nothing was ever gained through overthinking/dreading a task), and 2) to take a deep breath before I overreact to something (usually something I have done to myself)
Oh, and a fitness-related one or two: 1) to run two more half marathons (and break the 2 hour mark), 2) to run one more full marathon, and 3) to do a triathlon of any distance

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Perhaps the more appropriate question would be, did anyone close to you *not* give birth?
Two people from my wedding (college roommate, baby #2; childhood friend, babies #1 & 2) (one more is pregnant, with twins, although it's early days yet)
A friend here in town (baby #1)
A friend from where I worked in DC (baby #1)
Seemingly every child of my mother's friends (babies #1 through, roughly, a gazillion)

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Good grief, not that I can remember. Isn't that awful?

5. What countries did you visit?

Ooh, a fun one!
Canada (I know, I know, but I needed to use my passport, okay?)
Iceland! (for a conference) (but I did fun stuff too)

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

A "real job" - one in which my taxes are assessed *for* me
Oh god, it's so terrible, but a little more money would be really nice. We have a very nice life, but...we run a little too close to the line for my comfort.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

May, in general, because that is when we decided not to pursue IVF or other, further, infertility treatments.
December 14 - my husband started his new job
January 20 - the (FINALLY) end of an error in Washington

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

I think I had a couple: publishing those three papers and surviving; presenting my data multiple times (and surviving!); and, generally, learning how to be a calmer person

9. What was your biggest failure?

Also learning how to be a calmer person. Because I think I failed a lot more than I succeeded.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Oddly, yes, since I am generally a very healthy person. But nothing serious!
I injured my...I think it was my LEFT foot. I swear it was a stress fracture, but I was told it was just an "overuse injury". Six loooong weeks of no running. I hope never to repeat that feat. Ha.
Official diagnosis of type 2 diabetes. Thanks, mom.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
I can't believe I am going to admit this, but I think it was our new TV. Which I can actually hear. And which is a joy to watch movies on. Other than that, we really didn't buy much.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
This is a hard one for me. I would say the President, because I am an unabashed fan, but even he made me cringe a few times. My husband, for sure - he puts up with me on a daily basis.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
This is a much longer list...and because I am in a snarky mood, we'll go with: organized religion; opponents of same-sex marriage (seriously, why? why is this STILL a debate?); various pseudo-celebrities who exploited their 15 minutes of fame for another 5; opponents of science and rational thought... I believe I shall stop there.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Mortgage, food (although doing better on that now), and Target.

15. What did you get really excited about?
My progress in my chosen career field, and the realization that I can *do* this!

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
I'm always a bit behind, but I'd have to say that Cat Stevens song from the phone commercial. And I can't even remember the name. Gah.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
– happier or sadder? Happier. I think.
– thinner or fatter? The same. But working on becoming thinner.
– richer or poorer? Poorer, definitely. Hoping to swing this in the other direction, and soon. A real job will help.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Engaging with the world around me.
Just *doing* things instead of overthinking them (e.g., I never went skiing last year because I overthought driving a hour to go to the closest hill...).
Having more pride in my appearance and accomplishments.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Random dinking on the internet. Come to think of it, I'm going to add that to my list of resolutions.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
At home, with my husband and the dog. We opened a few presents from my Aunt, skyped with the family, and hung out. I baked and cleaned the kitchen. Oh, and I think I did laundry.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?
No.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
LOST, Amazing Race, NCIS, How I Met Your Mother, and the Big Bang Theory.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Um, no?

24. What was the best book you read?
I really liked the Lost Symbol, and I'm in the middle of the Vince Flynn CIA books, which I am enjoying immensely.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Networked iTunes libraries. Oh. My. My husband has the BEST music.

26. What did you want and get?
First-author publications! I now have 3! :)

27. What did you want and not get?
Pregnant. Also, a reason why I can't get pregnant.

28. What was your favorite film of the year?
We're a little behind in our film watching. And honestly? Nothing is standing out. *sigh*

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I'm going to have to look back at my calendar. Oh, right. We went to lunch and shopping in a little town nearby. I had fantastic tiramisu, as well as a HUGE salad. It was fantastic.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
An improved ability to just take a deep breath, and then let (whatever) go. Also, the ability to *not* eat everything in front of me.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Nonexistent. Yoga pants at home, a variety of sweaters and jeans at "work".

32. What kept you sane?
RUNNING.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Um, none?

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
Same-sex marriage. Seriously people. It's legal here now. Get over it. We have bigger things to worry about. And honestly? Has ANYTHING changed? No.

35. Who did you miss?
My college roommate. We didn't talk nearly as much as we used to. I miss her.

36. Who was the best new person you met?
This is a tough one... I don't meet many new people. I'll say the new post doc who arrived in September.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
Just keep moving. Standing still is not an option.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I'm terrible at these types of questions. Sorry.

Kinda grumbly

2009-12-30T17:19:00.000-08:00

It's been that kind of day...Starting with me getting up, doing all of my early-morning tasks (take the dog out, check fasting blood sugar, turn on phone, fill dog's food dish), going upstairs to change for yoga, and stepping on the scale. Good grief. I weighed in at almost 7 more pounds than I weighed a week and a half ago. SEVEN POUNDS?

I was all motivated to get on the scale, too - I think I want to run another full marathon in June (what on earth am I thinking?), and I would like to drop 8-10 pounds before I start training in February. Well, 8-10 pounds from the weight I thought I was.

So. That was depressing.

Not to use the oldest excuse in the book, but I'll just say there's probably some significant water retention going on there. I suppose I'll weigh myself every 2-3 days, just to see what the fluctuation is. Hopefully next week I'll lose some of that water weight and have a better idea of what my "normal" weight actually is.

I would love to eat less - but I have a very difficult time with that. With the whole diabetes thing, I am supposed to eat meals and snacks. So I typically eat breakfast, 3 hrs later eat a snack, 3 hrs later eat lunch, 3 hrs later, snack, and 3 hrs later, dinner. Followed by a small bedtime snack. And my fasting sugars are good. I just suspect that my snacks could be a bit smaller. As could my meals.

So. Trying to get back on track with that. I've bumped up the intensity of my workouts, and I am hoping that helps, as well.

Anyway, I got completely off track here. So I had my grumpy weigh in. Did my yoga DVD. Applied for a faculty job (yikes!). Ran in to campus to pick something up in the lab. Stopped and got chips on the way home. And then took the dog (ha, I just typed "god"...he really *does* rule this house!) to get his nails trimmed. My plan - to drop him off, run next door to BB&B to use two coupons and a gift card, then come back to get him and pick up his treats. I was thwarted by the surly groomer. Who said "No, just wait for him, it'll just be a minute." Me "Buh, buh...*sigh*" I mean, it's not the end of the world (dude, far from it) but I was grumpy.

Then I shoveled snow for 45 minutes. Heavy, wet snow. With slushy ice crap underneath.

And we didn't get any Christmas cards in the mail.

Okay, I'm done grumbling now. I think.

On the plus side:

I have eaten Julia's almost instant tomato soup for the past three non-breakfast meals. Oh. My. Goodness. It is SO good. Low-fat, no weird things, lots of flavor. Thank goodness my husband dislikes tomato soup. More for me!

I made my mother's gingerbread cake. This could go on the negative side, but I'm choosing to remember how yummy it is, and ignore the calories. My husband will be home tomorrow, and I'll make sure he eats most of it. :)

I was actually productive today.

Tomorrow we'll sleep in, since the gym doesn't open til 8. I'm thinking I'll be really indulgent and sleep until 6. Whoa.

Calmer

2009-12-29T15:31:00.000-08:00

I realized today that I need to work to make things a little less stressful for myself. Not that my life is high stress, really. Just that I don't react well when I try to do 10 million things at once, and surprise! Things don't go so well. Case in point - yesterday, trying to walk the dog, juggle the mail, enjoy the sunshine, and...well, you know how *that* went.

So today, I decided to stop and get the mail on the way home from a lovely lunch with a colleague. No packages - but some magazines, which are hard to carry while corralling a dog. Once I got home and enjoyed my greeting from the dog, we took a walk. And I tried to just enjoy the walk and the sunshine. And it was so much more enjoyable. Instead of stressing out about how long it was (it only takes a 1/2 hour, tops, and he enjoys it SO much), I enjoyed being in the sunshine and watching him shove his whole head into snow drifts (hilarious, btw). Being calmer seemed to make the dog calmer, too. He pulled less (or maybe I was pulling less...), he walked nicely, he didn't lunge (well, after his initial, yay, we're on a walk! lunge that he *always* does). It was so nice. So much less stressful.

Then we came home, I changed, and he played with his new toy and took a nap. And I got SO much done in the last 2.5 hours.

I mean, duh. Try to be calm and organized, and things tend to be calmer, and more organized. Who would have thought?

Sort-of-coherent

2009-12-28T18:16:00.000-08:00

I have such big plans for this week - no scheduled meetings, plenty of time to sit in my yoga pants and work on the concept paper for the next grant...and now Monday is almost over and I feel like I haven't accomplished anything. I *know* I did, but I have a hard time believing that right now. I should probably just take a day off - I baked and cleaned on Christmas, and throughout this weekend. As I usually do. And I am running errands and meeting a colleague for lunch tomorrow, which is pretty typical for me. And I'm going to the gym, and taking the dog on walks, and making dinner, and...Yeah. I think I need a day off. A day to do nothing but sit on the couch, read, and enjoy my husband's company. Maybe we can swing that on Friday.

I've found that I get frustrated very easily when I don't have my husband to talk me down from the ledge. Today's case in point - getting frustrated coming back from our walk because I had a dog who was pulling on the leash, a big (unexpected) box and two magazines from the mail, and a poop bag. And it was slippery, and windy, and my hair was in my eyes. Oh, and it was cold. So I was NOT happy when the dog was pulling and then stopping right underfoot and then leaping off again, and then I dropped the mail and nearly dropped the box and should have dropped the poop bag instead, and then I yelled at myself when putting the dog in the house so I could get the trash can, and instead the dog thought I was yelling at him, so I felt even more terrible, so I swore at myself as I closed the door to go back outside and when I came back in he was cowering near the entry. And that's not fair to him. So I spent 20 minutes snuggling with him, talking to my mom on the phone (another computer problem) and convincing him to eat his food. And then doing more work. And then more snuggling. And then more treats. And now we're snuggling on the couch again.

But I really need to make better decisions in these situations...I could have left the damn box in the mail box (it's locked) and gotten it tomorrow. I could have tucked something under my arm differently. I could have stopped, gotten organized, and then finished the walk. I could have made several *better* decisions than I made. And it's times like this that I think it's probably a good thing that we can't have kids - and that we're not going to pursue the technology necessary for us to even have a chance. Because if I can't take a deep breath and get over a walk with the dog??? I'm pretty sure I'm not cut out to be a parent.

Quiet

2009-12-27T15:43:00.000-08:00

We had a very quiet Christmas here. My husband came home on Wednesday, instead of Thursday, which was a nice treat. We stayed put Thursday and Friday, in part because of the absolutely disgusting weather...it rained! in the Midwest! on Christmas Eve! I mean, really. Bleah. It switched over to snow by 9 on Christmas morning, though, and since then we have gotten 6-8 inches of fluffy, powdery snow. Which made up, sort of, for the icky rain.

It was just the three of us on Christmas - we chose not to go to my in-laws', as we had just been there a few weeks ago when my brother in law and his wife were in town. I wasn't up for another trip up there, and the potentially sketchy roads made the decision rather easy.

We slept in, ate snacky food (my favorite thing about the holidays, to be honest), and enjoyed each others' company. We played with the dog - who got the most presents of anyone - and talked to our families. We shoveled and snow blowed and took a few slippery walks around the neighborhood.

It was a lovely holiday weekend, and I'm already looking forward to another one in just four short days. We always go to sleep before midnight on New Year's Eve - part of our traditions now, I suppose. But on New Year's Day we eat more snacky food, watch HGTV, and try not to work. (Although, since both of us worked for 6-7 hours on Christmas Eve, that might not be possible this year...)

And then - in the midst of my enjoying-my-solitude-for-a-few-days, about-to-get-a-glass-of-wine haze, an old friend called. She's pregnant. By IUI. Donor sperm. It's twins. She's due in the summer, and will probably have to move, as she's not sure how she can continue at her current job with two babies. Oh, right - she's not married. I have no problems at *all* with women choosing to have children on their own. It just seems like unnecessary roughness on the part of the universe for some reason. I'm just now starting to come to terms with this whole child-free life thing. I'm just now starting to realize that we won't have to save for college, or worry about a vaccination schedule, or all of those other things that parents do. And instead - the universe throws *this* at me?

Time for that wine. Since, you know, I'm not pregnant.

Onward and upward

2009-12-22T17:36:00.000-08:00

It's college basketball season, my favorite time of the year! Oh, and it's the holidays, too. But I really love BB season...games on almost every night...it's still many months til the Final Four, and anything can happen. It makes me happy on cold winter nights.

Speaking of cold winter nights, my husband started a new job in a city 200 miles away last week. Which means that he spends 4 nights a week there, and 3 nights a week here. I really can't fuss, though - this job is a significant move up for him in terms of compensation, responsibility...everything. We hope it will position him for executive level positions when he decides that this job is not where he wants to be anymore. So, it provides the opportunity for him to move up - significantly.

Of course, the potential drawback is that this is a new company. And new companies fail ALL the time. That was actually the thing that made me most nervous about him accepting this position. What if? [I'm great at the what-ifs...] So we have decided that since he is making more money, and we were squeaking by just fine before, that we would save a LOT more money just in case. It's also a bit easier because my earning potential should increase significantly in the late summer, when I take a faculty position.

His taking this position has generated some interesting responses from people we know here in town. At my place of work - where they are quite open about wanting me to stay as a faculty member - several people have expressed concern, and have asked whether I need to move to the city now that N is there most of the time. I guess because we have done the long-distance thing many times in many different iterations, I find this surprising. It's not like he's being deployed for 18 months. It's not like he's flying to India every week. He gets in his car and drives 3 or so hours, and then he stays at an apartment, works like a demon, and comes home to us on Thursday afternoons. Which, quite honestly? Gives me LOTS of time to get work done. And then we can enjoy each other's company Fridays through Sundays. I mean, don't get me wrong - it's an adjustment (particularly for someone who is not really fond of being alone in the house...thank goodness for the dog...) but it's not like our lives are falling apart.

And this has also opened up worlds of opportunity for me. Waaay back in 2008 (ha!) when we were figuring out where we wanted to move when I finished my degree, we chose this area because we could both have long-term jobs in a small town with good schools. Now that we have decided not to pursue IVF, well, to be honest? The good schools are more a painful reminder of what we *don't* have, rather than something we will need in the near future. N was fine staying in his job - dead ends and all - if it meant stability, relatively good income, and health insurance. But again - not having kids means that we don't really need to focus on those things. I mean, sure the health insurance is good, and it's nice to have a stable income. But he didn't need to tie himself here to get those things. He was able to move on and up and into a new job opportunity that provides him with a lot of opportunity for growth. I have also decided to open up my job search - so that I now have 5 potential universities instead of just the one where I am currently. Even nicer? Two of those other universities are interested in interviewing me. So we are both positioning ourselves to move onward and upward in our chosen fields - something that might not have been possible (at least to this degree) if we had chosen another path last spring, when we were told that our only option was IVF, and even that wasn't a certainty.

I don't mean that we aren't still mourning the fact that we will be a family of two...or that our lives will be very different from what we had planned two short years ago. But there are some positives in this. Maybe I'm trying to be Pollyanna - maybe it's the season for that - but I'm going to try to find the good in this situation. Otherwise the negatives weigh me down, and that gets exhausting after a while.

We're going to have a quiet Christmas at home. We're not even doing gifts for each other - he gave me a heart rate monitor, and I gave him a Bluetooth earpiece for his BB when we were at his parents' the other weekend. We have some gifts for the dog - and I have a card for him. But we're just going to hole up here, enjoy each other's company, and try not to do work for a day. That's going to be the hardest part. ;)

Conveniently forgetting

2009-12-16T17:41:00.000-08:00

I have a tendency to conveniently forget those things that make me uncomfortable or sad, if possible. I guess I'm more of a conflict-avoider than I knew... Funny how life helps you learn more things about yourself, even when you think you know it all.

Anyway, I wrote about how my college roommate flaked on me and went out of town when I was *in* her town, with a primary purpose of seeing her and another friend. She (the college roommate, not the other friend) had baby #2 in late August, and I was so looking forward to seeing her for the first time in over a year, meeting baby #2, and seeing how kiddo #1 (because he really is not a baby) had grown. I set up my visit as far in advance as possible - knowing that I might not have another visit to their area for a while. I looked back (because I am that way) and found that I had emailed her the information for my visit in July. As in, dates. And she was still pregnant. And she told me she put it on the calendar.

Fast forward a few months to a week or so before my planned visit, when I emailed her and my other friends to finalize plans. And she emailed back that she hoped I meant that I was coming that weekend, not the *next*, as they had made plans to go see her grandmother in two weeks, since she hadn't yet met the baby. I was floored. No, I wrote back, I was traveling in two weeks, not one, and I wasn't able to change my plans since, you know, I'd made plane reservations three *months* before. Could they possibly leave a little later on their planned departure day (my planed arrival day) so I could see them for a few hours?

Oh, she wrote back. Well, they couldn't change their plans. Too bad.

I didn't even write back. I couldn't find the words. I knew she was juggling two kids, and maternity leave from work, and whoknowswhatelse. But still. We've been as close as sisters for 16 years now, and she finks out on seeing me for the only time all *year*?

I went on the trip, and I saw other friends. I played with their kids, caught up with them, and thoroughly enjoyed myself. But I was so sad, knowing that I was within an hour of my roommate's house for the first time in so long, and knowing that I wouldn't be seeing her.

And then I didn't call her for over two months. She never called me - balancing home and work and a new nanny and a household is likely enough to keep anyone busy. And I was still hurting.

I finally caved earlier this week. It's the Christmas season, I figured. I should call and set things right, even if I just called to talk about normal things. So I gathered up my courage and hit the right number on my phone. And got...not her voice mail. Definitely not her voice mail. Hip hop music and a message in Spanish? Definitely not.

This sent me into another spiral. Did she change her number and not tell me? Did something awful happen and no one tell me? It's amazing, I'll say, where the mind goes when it doesn't have enough information to draw a reasonable conclusion. I talk to my patient, loving husband, who suggests that I send her an email. Maybe I can get in touch with her that way.

I sent the email, and waited. Not long, as it turned out. Hi!, she wrote. We discontinued my personal cell phone since I have one for work, and I have too many devices as it is.

She called while I was on the phone with a prospective employer. I called her back and we talked about everyday things. My husband's new job. How big her baby is getting. How the nanny is working out. No mention of the fact that we hadn't talked for two months. No discussion of what had transpired during those two months. So I don't know what to think. I've decided that I have too many other things to think about right now, to devote any time to figuring out the nuances of this relationship. I'm glad to be talking to her again. I'm ignoring the fact that this relationship may have changed irreparably in the last few months. And yet, I think (don't we all?) that maybe *she* thinks that our child-free life is so different from hers, that my life trajectory has deviated so much from the traditional path, that maybe we cannot continue to be such good friends as we were.

One of the unexpected pieces of living a child-free life, not by choice, is how often the *issues* pop up in my everyday life. A day does not go by that I don't realize the impact of these choices on every aspect of my life. Someone makes a comment....I talk to a friend after a long silence....a phone message from another friend makes me think that her attempts to get pregnant with donor sperm (she is single, without a partner) have finally been successful....friends who had a baby in November post pictures of their adorable newborn on FB. It just....slaps me in the face nearly every day. And yet, on the surface, I am moving through my life - my husband and I, together. He has taken his new job. I am talking to people about jobs for next year, exploring all my options and not just those with good school districts. But underneath, I am the woman who can't have a child and who is not willing to risk her emotional and physical health to pursue all interventions necessary to correct that fact.

Backup

2009-11-30T08:44:00.001-08:00

I should write here more often, and about more topics, but sometimes life gets in the way. When that happens, I wind up with a backed-up brain, full of things that I need to talk about, but which pile up when I'm away from this space for a prolonged period of time.

Things have been good, overall, but there have also been some issues that have been niggling at me for a while...Among them (and potential fodder for future blog posts - hopefully this week, although I'm not holding my breath): the fact that I haven't talked to my best friend in nearly 2 months; my disclosure of our infertility issues to my other best friend in early November, and the outcome of that; a new job for my husband that will require 4 days a week in a city about 200 miles away (=4 nights alone for me each week); needing to decide what my top options are for my *next* job search (didn't I just finish the last one?); and, finally, my continuing thoughts on what it is like to live as a childless couple.

I hope have more time to write this week. I just had another article accepted for publication, this one in a journal that is important in my field (yay!!!) and I am still working through the third dissertation paper. I have so many ideas bouncing around in my head that I am having trouble keeping track of them all. Professionally, I feel like I am starting to hit my stride. Personally, I feel like I have been keeping multiple balls in the air, and I'm worried they are going to start crashing down around me.

Inadvertant radio silence

2009-11-13T07:19:00.000-08:00

I didn't intend to step away from here for almost a month...In fact, this was a month during which I probably should have written more often. But it's been busy, and I've been stressed, and finding the time to put my thoughts and feelings on screen, as it were, seemed an insurmountable difficulty.

I had a fantastic time visiting family and friends during my trip back East. With...one exception. I will probably write a whole 'nother post talking about how my college roommate completely flaked out on me and went to visit a family member, thereby scuttling my plans to visit her and her family (including a new baby). I was, and still am, very upset about that. But that's fodder for a different post.

Visiting my family was also difficult because it was the first time I'd seen some of these friends since we decided not to go any further down the IVF/infertility route. And, as luck would have it, two of them have new babies. One has twins. I know that those twins were conceived with the help of some ovulation stimulation and IUI...but it still doesn't make it any easier for me, for some reason.

We've made a point of not telling very many people much about our difficulties...and several of those that we told about our problems (mostly around the time of my surgery last year), we have not gone on to tell about our decision to step off infertility road. That, to me, is a more personal decision than the whole "we're having difficulty but we're trying different things". I mean, you can be vague about that. It's difficult to be vague about "we've decided to stop all of the interventions". And even then? I hedge. I hedge a lot.

I'm rambling. Anyway. Two of three friends know nothing of our issues. The third (sister to one of the other two; I know, confusing) I told of our problems on this visit. I had not told her anything, despite the fact that I have known her so long that I can't remember NOT knowing her. She's that kind of long-term friend. Part of my difficulty was that she has managed to get pregnant - and stay pregnant - at the drop of a hat. They have three children and are pondering #4. It's not that I begrudge her her ability to conceive...it's just that it's really hard to talk about this sort of thing with someone who has no idea where you are coming from. She and my sister in law are pretty similar - people who decided (with their husbands, of course) "Okay, time to have a baby!"; went off birth control; and got pregnant the next month. I'm not even kidding. It happened to my SIL for both of her pregnancies.

She was shocked, I think, to hear of all we had been through. She brought it up , too. I guess it shows how connected we are. Just as I was thinking (on the way back to her house from visiting one of the other friends) that I needed to bring this up (it was a goal of mine for this trip), she asked whether we had thought any more about having kids. (I had told her, hm, maybe 2 years ago? that it was something we were talking about...that was, of course, before we found out that I'm defective in some unknown way.) Anyway, she was shocked, and being a physician, and the daughter of an OB/Gyn, she tried to think of all sorts of alternatives that maybe we hadn't considered. Except, of course, we had considered them. Then we got into the adoption/foster care debate, so I told her my feelings on that. It was a long and draining conversation. I was glad I told her, but after that? I really needed time alone. And I didn't really get it. It was psychologically exhausting for me.

Later in the week I met up for dinner with a friend who is pregnant after 1 IVF (covered entirely by insurance...lucky duck) and another friend who also got pregnant the first month she tried. They know that we have stopped all intervention...but they are convinced that "someday" we will be parents. So as good as it was to see them, it was ALSO exhausting for me.

I find that I don't want to say "NO, we're DONE. This is IT." In part, maybe, because I'm not ready to go there in my own head. But I think the other part of it is not wanting to hurt the person I am talking to. So I spent a lot of the week hedging; answering questions with "Well, we'll see" and "I guess we might feel differently at some point in the future". But really? I think we're past that. As much as I have wanted a child - it's not going to happen for us. We deal with that every.single.day. Every birth announcement on g-d FB. Every picture of every kid that is posted. Every time someone posts that you never know *real* happiness until you're a parent. Every time someone says that you never know *real* fatigue until you have a child. Every.single.day. In so many different ways. These friends? It's not staring them in the face all.the.time. They go back to their normal lives - to their families. We come home to a house that will never have children. As sad and bitter as I am about that, we live with it every day. That blunts - or numbs - the pain, at least for me. But it doesn't mean that I'm not sad when I get my period. It doesn't mean that I'm not torn up that I can't get pregnant - that I'm not mad when my mother tells me about a 22 year old having her third baby. But for us? It's an ongoing thing. For my friends? It's something they think about when I am there with them, and when I talk about it.

I was going to talk about our career decisions, but this post has turned into a longer rant than planned. More on that in another post.

I love...

2009-10-19T10:21:00.000-07:00

...coming home again after much too long a trip
...having a sort-of-lazy yet productive weekend
...my guys (human and canine)
...the feeling of finishing a half-marathon! twice in the last 2 weekends!
...breaking my PR in the 2nd half-marathon! (of course, since the first was my first...but I still cut 10 minutes off my time!)
...FALL! leaves changing, sunshine, blue skies
...thinking about the possibilities
...when my husband cooks his chili for dinner
...those crescent rolls in a tube (mmm...)
...crossing things off my to-do list
...friends' new babies
...smiley 6-month-olds

(I just feel like I have been too negative recently...will be rehashing everything from my trip soon, but it's just so good to be home and in my routine, I had to write this first.)

Re-Entry

2009-09-29T14:47:00.000-07:00

Well, re-entry was as difficult as I thought it might be. We had a lovely time at the wedding - helped by the fact that we spent very little time with my in-laws, and the time we did spend with them was in a larger group.

My husband had a realization recently - maybe it was last night? Anyway, I was asking when he wanted to go visit his parents, and he said that he doesn't think they look forward to/anticipate our visits. I like to think that we're not bad houseguests - we TRY to clean up after ourselves, and sometimes even throw ourselves bodily in front of the sink to clean up our own dishes. We don't hog the bathroom (they only have one), as far as I can tell. We eat what they want to eat (even when it gives us stomachaches). It's just...I don't get that vibe that they look forward to our visits. I dunno...they also won't come visit us and stay overnight, so maybe it's just them?

Anywho...all this to say that being with them can sometimes be difficult and draining. I find it hardest not knowing when the latest drama will erupt...and what the carnage will be. Most of the time? I'm completely oblivious to whatever it is that sets them off.

I got totally off track there, so anyway... this trip was lovely in that we were able to spend time off! together! in a fun place! Why, it was almost...a vacation (shh, don't tell). The wedding was in wine country, so we toured a few vineyards, and saw some exhibits, and enjoyed the scenery and the people watching. We stayed at a fancy resort (courtesy of my brother-in-law and now-sister-in-law) that had fancy things I've never seen before, outside of movies. You know, the fancy bathrobes? The slippers? The toiletries that you can't take home - but you can *buy* them if your little heart desires it? We reveled in the luxury of it all, extremely grateful to my brother in law that their generosity allowed us to stay there. The thank you note has been purchased and will be in the mail tomorrow, if I have anything to say about it.

The wedding itself made me think about our wedding. While I loved our wedding - it was very traditional, with a few non-traditional quirks - I would do it completely differently now. Completely. As in, I would strongly suggest that we elope. This was a small wedding - about as small as you can have without either a) limiting it to immediate family only, or b) eloping. It was also non (a?)religious.

I haven't talked about this much on this blog- and probably won't get into it in this post - but I have essentially lost any faith that I might have had up to this point. Big time. I have always had a hard time with overtly evangelical "crusaders", but up til now? I always had some form of faith. Now? Not so much. Is it too much time in science? Too much time thinking? Too much time without the touchstone of a regular church? Too...well, I don't know. I'll come back to that some other day. But I really enjoyed the fact that this was essentially a civil ceremony. There was no singing. There was no praying. There was no praising of some higher power for bringing these two together. (Of course, in their case? that would be the internets...) I really enjoyed that part of it - it was very freeing for me.

It made me a little sad that the wedding we had was - in hindsight - probably more for my mother than it was for me. But it made her happy - it made me happy, at the time - and that is all I can really ask for. Hindsight really is 20/20.

ANYway, I keep getting off track. Lovely wedding, lovely people. I had an introvert moment on Friday evening, when I excused myself from the late-night bar gathering in favor of a trashy magazine in bed. Talking to people...interacting with people...getting to KNOW people...can completely exhaust me. N and I are both introverts - but he does better in these kinds of situations. I do better when I am with a group of people I know well. But this was...tiring. So I took my time, and I was the better for it.

Re-entry into our regular lives has been rough. The dog was completely off his schedule. The house was fine - but there was the mail and the general travel detritus to go through. We finally got the house organized this past weekend, and I realized that next week? I leave for a week out East. So it won't last long.

Overall? I suppose the drama was less overt than I was expecting, although there were the typical weirdnesses along the way. I'm ever so grateful to have my husband - even though my in-laws come as a package deal with him. Really, though - we haven't traveled alone together since our honeymoon, and it was nice to know that my/our enjoyment of that week was not just a one-off. We really do travel well together. So it'd be nice if we could get a smidge more vacation time, so we could practice a little more.

Messy

2009-09-15T07:52:00.000-07:00

My brain is a mess recently...Trying to work through issues related to the age old question of what DO I want to study now...still coming to terms with the whole infertility thing...going to my brother in law's wedding this weekend...my father having vague symptoms that don't seem to connect to anything but that make me think the worst (of course)...

Sometimes it is very tiring being in my brain.

And then, when the thoughts cross? Watch out.

I'm grateful we don't have kids because I don't know what kind of mother I would be right now. I'm angry at the pregnant women I see smoking on the edges of hospital property, because *I* would do a better job while pregnant. Nearly every time I have a twinge pre-period, I wonder whether I got pregnant against all odds. I am looking forward to getting away this week - but not to the work that awaits when we return, or the dysfunctionality (is that a word?) that my in-laws bring to each family gathering. I know what I want to study, but I'm having a hard time articulating it. I'm anxious about the tenure track, and I'm not even on it! I worry about my parents getting sick and living 1000 miles away. And on and on and on...

Sometimes I just want to turn my brain off. I'm grateful that these thoughts don't keep me up at night, but sometimes they keep me from being very productive during the day. Perhaps writing about them more would help? I suppose that is one reason I have this blog - to work through some of these conflicting and consuming thoughts. I don't feel disorganized - my to-do list is up-to-date and detailed - but at times I feel like I am going to lose all the threads of my life if I don't keepupkeepupkeepup...

I hope that this trip helps calm me down a bit... I want to enjoy it, but of course I am taking my computer. *sigh* All those years of never being really disconnected from it all...I think they are still influencing how I go about doing things.

Time to rewrite my to-do list. Time to clear my head. Time to get away for a bit.

Self-Pity

2009-08-31T15:02:00.000-07:00

AKA, Happy Birthday to Me.

I had one of the best birthdays I've had in a long time on Saturday...just me and N and the dog. We went to lunch (and drank wine!), we took a drive, we took the dog to the d-o-g-p-a-r-k.

But the only people who called were my parents and my brother. Not my best-friend-from-forever, not my college roommate (otherwise known as my other half, or the female version of my husband)...and I went into a major MAJOR sulk. I just felt...ignored. And I wondered whether the distance (they each live about 1200 miles away) between us was getting in the way of our friendships. N was sympathetic, but I just needed to wallow. So I did. And I felt badly that I had ended this perfect birthday that way.

Friend one (we have known each other since before we can remember) called Sunday. Her sisters had been visiting, with their spouses/spouses-to-be, and there were new babies and talks of weddings, and she hadn't been able to call until they left and the kids went down for naps. I forgave her, obviously. Duh.

Friend two called this morning at 0630 our time. She had her second baby at 0300 today (well, 0259, if we're going to be picky about these things) and was calling to say happy belated birthday and hey, look! You have a new honorary niece! and I forgave her, obviously. Duh.

I wonder why I feel the need to fuss about WHEN they call. After all, isn't it more important that they DID call, and they DID remember, not that they called a day or so after my birthday? I am not the most important thing in their lives...but they still love me and want me to be happy.

I don't know where I am going with this, just that I hope a) I am a little less self-centered about this kind of thing the next time it happens, b) I don't ruin the next birthday with a pity party, and c) I do a much much MUCH better job of remembering other peoples' birthdays.

On a side note, it was the coldest birthday I can remember. I had to wear long sleeves, and jeans! Usually I am in shorts and a t-shirt. It was just a lovely, lovely day. I am so lucky.

Argh

2009-08-28T07:42:00.000-07:00

And, a happy early birthday to me....on a gray, gloomy day (the 3rd in a row)...and the day I figured out they changed a grant deadline so that it's not the letter of INTENT that's due next week. No, it's the whole grant. And I missed the letter of intent deadline. What the he**?

I am so frustrated right now. It feels like I can't do anything right this week - hell, it feels like I can't do anything right this month.

It started with the wedding, and the not-so-covert glances at my very-not-pregnant stomach. Moved on to the vacation-that-wasn't, and the frustration caused by my family. Segue to an inability to concentrate, a looming tuition bill, books for the semester that will cost in the neighborhood of $500, a checking account that has seen better days, and now this? I know it doesn't seem like much to people who are struggling with *real* issues, but these are *my* issues, and they seem real enough to me.

I've been avoiding phone calls from friends, suspecting that they are pregnant.

I've have been crying at the drop of a hat this week - first at the (early, very early) arrival of my period (woo hoo, not pregnant...AGAIN), and now at the changed deadline dates of a grant that I think I had a very good chance of getting this year.

Why would they want to bring me on faculty if I mess up on something like this? I didn't check the webpage again when I got the email that it was up - I had already checked it, several weeks before, and written down the dates. I had downloaded the relevant information and forms. I had a scheduled worked out. I was working on the background and the significance arguments, with a plan to move on next week to the methods section. Plenty of time before September 25th.

Stupid stupid stupid.

Oh, and I scared the dog by yelling a Very Bad Word when I re-checked the webpage for something (the email of the person for the letter of intent, I think?) and saw the changed dates. So now he doesn't want to be near me.

Can I have a do-over? Maybe for the whole month?

Hatin' on the girls

2009-08-21T06:44:00.001-07:00

I feel the need to get this out there - although, quite honestly, I'm not sure whether anyone else really wants to know about this. But here it is - the ugly truth: I hate my breasts.

I really do.

You may be asking - What about self-love? What about all the functions they're supposed to serve? What about, you know, exulting in the female body, blah blah blah?

And to that, I say - you are not living with them.

I'm sure that, in many peoples' opinions, it's not that bad. I mean, I can see my feet. I can do the things that I want to do. I don't have grooves in my shoulders from bra straps. And thank goodness - I don't need to buy custom-made bras.

But...and for me, it's a big but... They make my life so much more difficult. [Here's the whining part, if you'd like to skip...]. I am a runner. I like to think of myself as an athlete. They get in the way. They hurt. They make it hard to run. It is really hard to find sports bras when you are not a big person in other ways - but you need to contain breasts that are larger than "normal".

It's hard to find regular clothes that fit well. If something fits over my chest, I can guarantee it's too big elsewhere. I wear baggy shirts because I don't like drawing attention to them. On my rest days - when I read the paper in my pjs? - I actually put on a bra before hand because it hurts to have them unsupported.

I've never been able to wear cute tops like my college roommates, or cute bathing suits, or any of that. It's been all about the industrial "nun bras" (as my mother calls them). The bathing suits with high necks. Trying to find tops that conceal and cover but don't make me look like I'm 2 sizes bigger than I really am.

And don't get me started on the week before my period.

Last night, I realized that they impair the forward and back motion of my arms. Like when I'm in the shower. I need to bring my arms out to the side to accommodate them. And when I lie on my back? They are big enough to sag into my armpits.

Even worse, it's not like they're doing what they were put there to do. I can't get pregnant. It's not likely that I will ever need to breastfeed. So at this point? They're big, honking reminders of the fact that my body has failed at this most basic of functions - ensuring the continuation of the species.

I remember complaining to my mother at some point in my late 20s, how they're irritating, they're too big, why didn't I get her smaller chest? She mentioned that she'd been like me when younger, but then she breastfed, and poof! Her boobs shrank. I held onto that statement like a frickin' lifeline. I'm serious. I thought, well, if I can just get pregnant, and breastfeed for as long as possible, maybe they'll shrink? And I won't need to go through the rest of my life embarrassed, in pain, and always seeking THE sports bra that will keep them from flailing about without, you know, squishing them up to my chin.

And then, not to be able to get pregnant? It's just another one in the long line of blows that came from that news. A small one, perhaps, to someone looking from the outside. But when you live with it every.day....it gets old after a while.

There's not much I can do. As I said, this is my personal opinion, which is not likely quantifiable and insurance-coverable. I don't meet other peoples' criteria for 'wow, how bad is that?' so unless we hit the lottery, I am going to have to learn to live with them - and what they will never do for me. Right now, that's pretty hard.

Whiny

2009-08-16T12:38:00.000-07:00

I've been mentally whining to myself for a few days now, and I'm not sure why, or what triggered it. Side note - I love the British (? I assume it's British?) term "whinging". But if I typed that, I probably wouldn't remember what it meant years later. Anywho...

I have been having a hard time recently with the idea that we aren't actively trying anymore. And circumstances have been such that it seems the whole world* is against me, too.

Exhibit A - the diabetes study that I was going to be in - three years, experimental medications, not allowed to get pregnant? Yeah, I'm not eligible. Turns out that my dm is under good enough control - so I can't be included. I didn't make the cut off. So, poof! There goes that idea of being productive and contributing to society through ways OTHER than having children.

Exhibit B - the state fair. We went yesterday - first time to this one for both of us. And Oh.My.God. It seemed like everywhere I looked, there were pregnant people. Hugely pregnant people. But the best was the pregnant 20 year old (well, she looked 20), who was not only a) hugely pregnant, but b) had a 10-12 month old on her hip, and c) was smoking. Yeah. That didn't sit too well with me. It's all I can do to keep nasty thoughts from rising up at the thought of that.

Exhibit C - I think 95% of the people I know right now are either pregnant, trying to become pregnant, or contemplating another pregnancy. And it's getting really hard. The two other people from my old job who were having trouble? Both pregnant and doing well. Which, absolutely - great for them. But for me? It's just a little hard to swallow. People at work? Pregnant. High school classmates on FB? Pregnant.

Maybe I just need to wallow for a little bit - remember why I enjoy our life together as it is. But sometimes I feel like I am trying too hard. And then I get down in the dumps again. It just feels like I can't win right now.

Things I saw

2009-08-13T06:23:00.000-07:00

Life is picking up speed around here, as the students come back for the start of the fall semester. Two short weeks...and I know they will fly by! Yesterday, I went downtown for the farmer's market - a truly frustrating experience, both in getting there and in trying to get lettuce and tomatoes. That's it! Lettuce and tomatoes. I came away with tomatoes, zucchini, eggplant, and green beans. Hm. And had to buy lettuce at the grocery store. Hm.

Things I saw in my travels...

A post-fender-bender car blocking both lanes of southbound traffic on the road I was using to exit downtown. Seriously? If the car can be driven, get it out of the way!
A bumper at the curb in a neighborhood on my way home. I always wonder about this - did it just fall off one morning?
Some of the worst parking I've ever seen - although, quite frankly, the design of the parking lot leaves a lot to be desired. Why would you - on purpose - make the spots not line up with each other?
Pedestrians with a clear disregard for their own lives and those of others. My goodness. If I had a nickel for every one who walked right out in front of my car...

It's state fair week here - and we are going for the first time. Food on a stick! Rides! Cows and pigs! I can't wait - it should be a blast.

Calm

2009-08-11T14:30:00.000-07:00

Ah, finally. I am (finally) home, with my husband, and my dog, and my calm and wonderful life. Until this most recent sojurn East - and the longest period of time spent with my parents, brother and his family for...a long time - I did not realize just how much we had made our own life out here in the middle of nowhere.

Seriously - I always thought that my life was pretty much a mirror of my mother's. At least, I always thought that about our home life. I do a lot of the "indoor" chores, my lovely husband does many of the outdoor things - similar to the way my parents split chores. We (my mother and I) clean regularly - do wash regularly - have high-ish standards for the appearance of our homes. Etc.

But now? Having spent a week+ with them, and my brother and his family? I can safely say that we live very differently from the rest of my family.

I am kind of glad that N wasn't with us for the week (he was only there for the cousin's wedding the first weekend) - because he probably would have died a little bit each day.

It was bad enough that we shared a room (a "suite") with my parents the night of the wedding. That deserves its own post. The next week, my parents very nicely treated us to a week at the shore - something that N and I, certainly, will not be able to afford for many many years. And I'm not saying I don't appreciate their treat.

But the sharing of the bathrooms - and other personal space - and kitchen. The mess. And the noise. And the people. And...good grief. I didn't realize how much I enjoyed our quiet lives - our adult conversations and our calm and peaceful home. Not to mention our clean bathroom (even when it needs to be cleaned, it's tidy), and our peaceful evenings.

I also didn't realize just how much I disagreed with my brother and sister in law's childrearing practices. I saw our niece and nephew much more frequently when they were babies - and they were sweet, adorable, funny, biddable babies. (Tangent...what a funny word, "biddable". But anyway...) Now? Now they are 5 and 7 and my god...I am really glad they are not my kids.They don't listen. They laugh when asked to stop something irritating and/or dangerous. They yell. They say "It's not fair" constantly. I know a lot of it is developmental...but at the same time? A lot of it is a lack of discipline and structure. I knew my brother and sister in law were "unstructured" in their parenting - and I always thought that the kids would turn out just fine regardless. But now? I'm not so sure.

And this time? All of this hit me a lot harder than it has in the past. I think the whole infertility thing - the realization that we are not going to have biological children of our own - made it all worse. I used to think - well, at least we (N and I) will raise our child(ren) differently. At least we will make different parenting decisions. But now? We will not have that opportunity. And the closeness I felt with my niece and nephew has pretty much evaporated. Part of that is distance - and time - and their ages. But part of it? Is that I don't really want to spend as much time with them. I get stressed out - and I don't enjoy it. And that is an awful, awful thing to say (which is why I am saying it here). I always thought I'd be the fun auntie. But until they get a bit older - or a bit better-behaved - I will have a hard time being the fun one.

If someone is reading this - I know that there are people who will say that I don't *have* children of my own, and I *can't* make these kind of judgments about other peoples' kids, because I'm not in their shoes. To them? I would say that I observed these kids fairly regularly for the first four years of their lives - we're talking at least monthly. And I know parenting styles - even if I am not a parent myself. I also know child development. I have spent my professional life around children from birth to 22. And I know that these kids? Are not being raised the way I would raise a child...nor do they act the way I would expect a child of school age to act. And how very frustrating that is - knowing that I will not have that chance. Knowing that the next generation will not include OUR child...

Anticipation vs. dread

2009-07-29T12:02:00.000-07:00

So, we head to my cousin's wedding this weekend, followed by my Week of Guilt with my family (instead of here at home with my vacation-deprived husband and dog). I can't decide whether to anticipate or dread seeing the extended family.

We see everyone about once per year - we're talking aunts, uncles, cousins, cousins-once-removed, etc. In a non-wedding year, this means we're together on Thanksgiving (and in those years, we miss the get-together because we refuse to fly on Thanksgiving). However, weddings are pretty much de rigueur in my family, so in wedding years, we can't escape the gathering.

I'm particularly dreading it this year because of the whole "When are you going to have kids?" thing. My family is not known for its tact. Not at all. And if I saw them more frequently, I might think of this as an amusing little quirk. But we don't see them frequently - and quite honestly? *the question* really gets to me.

I don't want to get into what we have tried and haven't tried. I can't decide on a proper response. My husband thinks I'm completely overreacting. And I'm wondering why I can't just get.past.this.

I've pondered saying "We can't have kids", but people know almost too much about infertility and IVF and other options these days. I'm sure that if I said that, I'd just hear a thesis on why we CAN have kids, and have we TRIED this? or that? or, maybe we haven't seen the right person?

You know what? This is a decision reached after much deliberation and anguish on our parts. I don't WANT to be questioned on this decision - I want to keep it to ourselves - as it SHOULD be - and not deal with peoples' questions or worry or earnest "help". Would it be easier if I could get pregnant but not stay pregnant? Maybe. I have cousins who had multiple miscarriages, so that is familiar to most of the family members. But someone who just can't get pregnant? Not in this day and age!

So, I need to be working on getting stuff together for this trip, but I'm completely unmotivated. Add the dread of seeing the family to my guilt at staying for the week, and it's a wonder I'm not completely immobilized by negativity.

I guess I just need to focus on the positive - wedding! family! fun! open bar! - and hope that people are focused where they SHOULD be - which is on the bride and her groom.

Peaceful

2009-07-24T07:00:00.000-07:00

We have not had a lot of calm in our lives over the last few years...multiple moves, lengthy separations, and the stress of school and work combined to make life pretty frenetic. But this summer...this summer is different. For the first time in our lives together (5 years! wow!), I feel like we have had a peaceful summer.

That's not to say that we haven't been busy - we have. But interspersed with the weekends away, and the visitors, and the daily grind, we have had many evenings where we simply sit on the screened porch in the evening and listen to the neighbor kids create their imaginary world. (No, really - that's what they're doing. We love listening to them discuss how things are going to be in their world, and what they need next....we suspect that we are essentially invisible to them - the grown ups next door - and we love that, since it allows us to eavesdrop on their goings-on.)

It's just so peaceful to sit out there - beer or gin & tonic in hand - discuss the day, watch the birds, pet the dog, and just...be.

For the first few years we dated, summers were our time apart. I had to work - 1000 miles away. We could only take long weekends to see each other, and those were frequently disrupted by travel problems (ORD....oh, how I loathe thee). To spend most (if not all) weekends together - to spend less time in airports - and to just enjoy our house and our dog and being together....I think that is what I will treasure most about this summer.

I suspect that this joy might fade over time, as the memories of those difficult summers fade. They were foremost in my mind this week because I happened upon a trove of emails from that time, and I couldn't help but marvel at the (good) changes in our lives. No, we are not going to have children - and that will likely be a constant source of grief for me. But we have a good life together - a happy life, and a peaceful one.

Of course, the emails also highlighted just how...businesslike...our morning emails to each other have become. Where they used to contain phrases like "can't wait to hold you in my arms again...", they now contain things like "I think we should hit Tar*get this weekend". Romance? Maybe it's in the background now. But I'll take what we have now, and where we are now, any day.

Guilt, grief, etc

2009-07-23T07:01:00.000-07:00

I never know what is going to set me off re: not being able to get pregnant. I thought I was doing pretty well - last night, watching TV, I even commented on how cute a contestant on America's Got Talent was, without the pang of "I'll never have a cute child of my own" that I typically get. And I thought to myself - wow! You're doing pretty well! Maybe you're over it.

Yeah, um, no. This morning, I saw in FB that a friend had registered for her first baby. She's due in October, and there is a big family shower coming up at some point. I looked up the registry, to see if there was something we'd want to get for them. And that? That simple action? Nearly sent me over the deep end.

There were all the little things that I'd dreamed of getting someday - the Boppy, the changing table cover, the strollers and car seats. Instead, I'll be buying them for my friends as they have their first, second, and sometimes third babies. I'll never be the one who picks out the fun Boppy cover. I don't have to worry about which bottles are BPA free. I don't have to have my husband research car seats to determine which is the safest.

So I'm not over it. Not by a long shot.

Even better, since I'm feeling so crappy about this, we get to go to a family wedding next weekend! Full of extended family members! Who we see about once a year! Who will certainly notice that I am not pregnant! Gee, doesn't that sound like fun? And THEN, for good measure, I get to spend a week with my family, but not my husband.

And I just know - I KNOW - that pregnancy, babies, etc. will come up, somehow, at some point, during that week. The way I'm feeling now, I'm not sure how I am going to react. My brother and s-i-l don't even know that we gave up - only my parents and a few close friends do.

I'm also feeling guilty because my husband has next to NO vacation time - thanks, draconian company policy! - so he does not get to go on "vacation" with my family. Granted, we are going to his brother's wedding in September...but I still feel guilty that I will be gone for an entire week. Leaving him with the dog and the house and work. I'm going to take my computer - I will need to do some work while gone - but that is not making me feel much better. I am very good at the guilt thing - but not good at letting go of it.

Gee, it's going to be a fun day!

Brr

2009-07-20T08:06:00.000-07:00

I know I shouldn't complain - but good grief, it's been COLD here in the mornings, the last week or so. I should be reveling in the low humidity, the joy of running outside, the fact that we don't have to put the a/c on...and instead I'm sitting here shivering. Brr.

I'm also worried that this will either result in an unseasonably hot October, or else a really effing cold winter.

Nothing like living in farm country to make you obsess about the weather. My favorite feature in our local paper is the accounting of how many "good" days farmers had the previous week, in terms of sunshine, rainfall, etc.

I'll just say that running in shorts at 55 degrees is a bit chilly, and leave it at that.

2nd 5k of the season

2009-07-18T09:35:00.000-07:00

Alas, my "Beef Days" 5k shirt does not have a cow on it...but I am amused by the fact that it was sponsored by one of the local funeral homes. Heh.

I had a personal best time in this one - yippee! Under 28 minutes. I need to train at that pace for the half marathon in October, so it was a very good run.

While I was there, my fantastic husband hit the farmers market and picked up our CSA, some extra veggies, and the BEST cookies I have tasted in a long time. Thank goodness we live near the Amish...they can beat anyone in cooking!

We have a relaxing yet fun weekend...cookout at the neighbors' tonight, hoping to go to the dog park, and enjoying the coolest July temperatures in decades. I'm contemplating putting on a sweatshirt...brr...

Mental

2009-07-16T06:33:00.000-07:00

Had lunch with a friend who is pregnant the other day...it is always fun to catch up with her, as she is one of the funniest - and most insightful - people I know. Spending a few hours with her always helps reset me in some way.

She is due in October, and is kind of over the whole pregnancy thing. And yet, they'd been trying for over two years when she finally got pregnant - so she is feeling guilty about not loving every.single.minute of her pregnancy.

And that got me thinking - about our current status of NOT trying, and learning to be okay with that. This past weekend was spent with good friends - and multiple small children. It was lovely - it's so much fun to meet the new babies (there are 3-4 every year, it seems), and see how the older kids have grown, and learn what everyone has been up to. But this year, N and I decided that we would just do what we wanted to do, and really try to enjoy ourselves. Since we're not getting a big vacation together this year, we thought of this as our mini vacation.

And boy, did we have a GREAT time. We visited a place I'd wanted to see for years. Found a cave that we didn't know existed - and had a fantastic hour-long tour there (220 feet below the surface! rock formations! stalactites!). And then found a new place for lunch, where we relaxed, had a glass of wine, and enjoyed each others' company and the gorgeous view. At one point, N looked at me, raised his glass, and said "You know, there are perks", and I knew just what he meant. We had left our friends and the multitude of children behind - it was quiet, and peaceful, and so much fun to spend time with each other.

So why do I feel guilty for enjoying our child-free state? There were times last week - when I still thought I could be pregnant - that I actually had negative thoughts about possibly being pregnant. It's almost like my brain has finally accepted that this is not going to happen for us - and it's moved on to making sure I enjoy our life as it is. So I don't think I should feel guilty...but sometimes I do.

From an outsider's perspective, I imagine we seem rather self-indulgent. We don't have college savings accounts (although, quite frankly, since my earning power is rather reduced at the moment, we barely have a regular savings account). We don't have to work our schedules around small people. I can choose which day - and time! - I am going to do particular chores, and those choices aren't derailed by a cranky or sick child. The one variable in our lives is the dog - and quite frankly, he's the best.dog.ever.

I'm not sure whether the guilt is a vehicle for helping me realize that I can make an impact in some way - even if we *don't* have children? Or whether it's guilt imposed by society in some way - that we are expected to have children, and if we don't, we're not contributing? So it's a weird struggle - trying to accept that we are not going to have children, at least at this point, then feeling guilty about enjoying our child-free life.

Roller-coastery

2009-07-15T08:47:00.001-07:00

It's amazing to me, sometimes, how different interactions and/or events can change my mood, and switch a normal, boring Wednesday (get up, exercise, clean bathrooms, wash towels, water plants, shower, start work...) into a really good day.

Usually, these are things that are external to me - an email from a colleague who has good things to say about a manuscript we are working on; a cheerful email from my parents discussing good things happening in the lives of family friends; even just the sunshine and nice breeze after a cloudy and strange day, weather-wise, yesterday.

And it makes me wonder...I've always thought that I was in charge of my own happiness. That I didn't need to depend on others to make me a good, happy, and productive person. I still believe that. But it's very strange to me that others' actions can have such a profound effect on my mood. It's not that I was in a BAD mood before I got these emails this morning. It's just that now I'm in a smile-at-the-wall kind of mood.

Off to take advantage of my emotional boost and need for productivity today...

I'm getting old and grumpy

2009-07-14T07:26:00.000-07:00

No, seriously. I think I am. When circumstances and situations converge in a particular way, I am definitely old and grumpy. *sigh* I knew the gray hair didn't bode well...

See, we were at my husband's college for a reunion with a bunch of his friends this weekend. It takes place every summer - and for 3 of the past 4 years, we've gathered at their alma mater. Although prices have gone up in just that short period of time, it's still relatively cheap, there are lots of things to occupy all of the families, and we get to hang out for a couple of days in one of the most beautiful places I've seen.

We were stuck in a traditional dorm again this year, which makes it hard to hang out. There are townhouse-style dorms that make the hanging-out easier. We're going to try to get those again next year -we keep getting bumped for other groups. N and I are in charge of the 2010 get-together, so we'll see how we do. Anyway, being stuck in the dorm = free tickets for breakfast in the cafeteria. Hey, free food! Even if it IS cafeteria food. I mean, how bad can it be?

N and I skipped out on Saturday and went to a local place for a killer sweet roll. But Sunday we joined the rest of the crowd in the caf. It was, not surprisingly, one of the most carb-heavy meals I've had in a long time. Would it kill them to have some hard-boiled eggs, cheese, or non-French Toast options? But I digress....

We were there early (as we are childless, and therefore move faster than the rest of the group). Sat at a table for 8, thinking that others could join us as they drifted in. And we were close to some empty tables, so that could work out nicely. Until a family of 5, there for a church group thing (aka, Super-Christians, as N and I call them), just plunked themselves down at our table. They didn't ask, they didn't even gesture and raise eyebrows while pointing at the empty seats. Nope - just plunked down and made themselves at home. Not a word to us. Yay, Super-Christians. Way to be...super-annoying and super-self-involved. Sheesh.

So we got up and waited for friends to navigate the lines with their two small children. While waiting, I saw a young girl - there for a different Super-Christian camp thingie. She was wearing those cotton short-shorts that all teenage girls seem to wear now? You know, with the writing on the rear? Except, instead of saying "Juicy!" or "Hot!" or whatever stupid thing is typically written on there...hers said "SPATULA". Yes, a kitchen tool. On her tush. What on earth is up with that??? And of COURSE no one else saw it. But I swear, it was there.

See, I'm getting old and grumpy.

Fortunately we had a lovely weekend with friends, got to catch up with people we only see once or twice a year, and were never asked point-blank when we're going to start popping out some kids. Whew. Bullet dodged. And more on that later. I need to go be grumpy and do some actual work.

Daydream believer

2009-07-09T10:38:00.001-07:00

I'm a daydreamer. Not in the "Get your head out of the clouds and get your work done!" sense, no, I've never had a problem focusing and finishing what I need to work on. No, my daydreaming occurs when my mind is not occupied with other things. When I'm cleaning, for example, or running mindlessly on the treadmill at the gym. Or riding in the car when I don't have to drive or navigate. Those are the times my mind wanders.

I was daydreaming yesterday while I was cleaning the bathrooms. My favorite mindless activity. It really is...tangible results, minimal effort, clean bathrooms. What's not to like? And, like so many times before, I daydreamed about being pregnant. See, after last month's wacky cycle (21 days, no obvious signs of ovulation [o.s.o., for short], etc.) I have been having a much more normal cycle. I had o.s.o, AND we managed to get busy pretty close to then.

So for the last two weeks I've been caught up in a game of "maybe this time". Maybe THIS time, things worked out timing-wise. Maybe THIS time, my defective tubes/ovaries/whatever kicked it into high gear, and we'll get our miracl. Maybe THIS time...and on, and on, and on.

Yesterday was particularly bad...I managed to daydream myself into a March due date, having to figure out how to tell family members when we have a family wedding next month! and I'm spending a week with my family! and then seeing my husband's family in September, for another wedding! And we're seeing my husband's college friends this weekend! All occasions during which much alcohol will be consumed.

This morning I was a bit more realistic. I have my typical PMS signs - ravenousness (with no discernible effect on my blood sugar...I hate my dm), klutziness, and now, within the lats hour, cramps. *sigh* I also took a hpt this morning, just to be sure that the beer I've been drinking over the past few days (Michel*ob Ult*ra, best low-carb beer I've found, and it comes in an Amber version) wasn't pickling a potential youngster. Totally negative. Really really negative.

I knew that was the case, of course. If we couldn't get pregnant during my lovely regular cycles, with IUIs targeted to the proper date, why would I think that having .... you know... maybe kind of close to the right date would work? Why do I let myself go down that road? And it's not just the family gatherings...I thought about the half-marathon I signed up for this fall. Christmas/Thanksgiving travel. My post-doc, and my need to begin looking for faculty positions. I was all.over.the.map, and the whole time I knew it was just a daydream.

I don't know, I think I need to talk to my husband again about our current approach/lack of an approach. We're currently in the "do nothing, hey, maybe we'll have a miracle!" pattern. And I don't think it's working for me. I think I need to say, you know what? This is not going to happen, and we need to do something to make sure it's not a surprise during a time when we are not ready for this. I think I'm ready to come down on the side of *never* being okay, and *maybe* moving on out the door. I think.

Of course, maybe the whole problem is that I was never homecoming queen...maybe that would have solved all my problems.

Choices

2009-07-07T06:22:00.000-07:00

We had friends visiting us this weekend - using us as a home base for seeing other friends in the area. It was so nice to see them - even though I have only met them a few times, they are lovely and their little boy is just a delight. One of the questions they ask him (when he's acting up) is whether X is a "good choice". So, for example, was it a good choice to refuse to put on your shoes to go outside and see fireworks? And he usually gets it, which is impressive.

It was great to see them for a few days, for me to get to know them better (they are college friends of my husband), and to know that we'll see them again next weekend before they head home. I like to think that as we settle in here, we'll have more fun weekends with friends from near and far...although it is hard meeting people when you are a) not in college, b) not in school, and c) boring (we're pretty boring, we know this, and we're okay with it). It'll be interesting to look back in 5 years or so to see whether and how we've managed to build a friend and support network here. Choosing to be friends with other adults tends to be easier, I think, when you have kids who are the same age, or who are in the same class at school. For those of us who are childless, it's a little more difficult to encounter those who may become good - or even just casual - friends.

We even had some time to ourselves, which allowed us to make some good choices as well. We took a nice drive up to a local lake that I had somehow missed seeing in my time here. It was hot and sunny and beautiful. We drove around the lake, and through the countryside, and gawked at big, beautiful houses and random farms right near town. I can't believe I hadn't seen some of these places before - it makes me want to keep exploring our new-old town, just to learn more about what is out there. It helps that N has a new car and is perfectly willing to take drives in it, too.

I think the only thing that was missing from the weekend was a trip to the Dairy for me to get some ice cream. That will have to be remedied sooner or later.

A window into others' lives

2009-06-30T12:03:00.000-07:00

Driving to the local co-op today (I needed fruit), I realized that my love of bumper stickers and other car adornments is likely because they provide a glimpse into the lives of the people driving those cars. Or not, I suppose, if someone bought the car and then didn't bother to remove the stickers, magnets, trailer hitch decorations, etc. I'm a naturally nosy person - just ask my husband! - so I love reading multiple bumper stickers on cars that are plastered with them. Sometimes? I just have to wonder.

Like the guy in front of me today, who had a lovely pair of fake testicles hanging from his trailer hitch. Really? You thought that was a good idea? Are you demonstrating where your brain resides? Or compensating, in some small way, for some of your shortcomings?

Or, my favorite sticker of the day: Eat Beef. The West wasn't won on salads. Hah. You'd never see this sticker back where I grew up - which I think makes me love it more. :)

I've seen several of the Republicans for Voldemort stickers, and I'm confused as to whether they are on cars driven by a) Republicans who have a keenly developed sense of irony, or b) Democrats who want to point out that Republicans haven't done much better than Voldemort in choosing their recent nominees (and, ahem, president/vice president).

And on that political note...because my husband doesn't really want to hear my diatribes against those who publish on the Opinion pages of our local paper...We had a column yesterday written by a self-described "Christian apologist", who proceeded to attempt to debunk the arguments for gay marriage using some...awkward and rather insulting metaphors. I know that these guest columns are open to those with different and opposing viewpoints, but I can't begin to tell you how sick it made me to read this drivel while drinking my smoothie.

I also find it rather...what's the word I'm looking for? Inconsistent? That people who want to be left alone to raise their families the way they see fit (with guns, spanking, and all sorts of things "those liberals" hate) don't want all families accorded this same courtesy. I may not like the way you parent, but I'm also not going to confront you about it unless my child is a guest in your home (see, guns) or you're injuring your child (see, spanking). So why do you care if a child has two moms or two dads?

And now my brief, inarticulate foray into political speak has ended. Back to work.

First 5K of the season

2009-06-28T15:27:00.000-07:00

My first 5k of the season was yesterday...a local run for the Festival for July 4th. On June 27th. I guess they don't like to bunch all of their activities together? Anyway, it's been hot as blazes all week - and humid, to boot - so I was desperately hoping for temperatures in the 70s at 8 am. I think I got my wish - it was also a teensy bit less humid - so it was less like running in a washing machine, and more like just running in humid weather. Whew.

I managed to break 10 minute miles - pretty good, considering the foot injury that had me out of running for six.endless.weeks. And it was a hilly course - good practice for the half marathon that my brother and I plan to run in the fall.

We had a productive weekend, including selling an old car, buying a new one (which we will pick up this afternoon), cleaning up around the house, preparing for guests next weekend, and hanging out with friends on our screened porch yesterday. A nice weekend - the only thing missing? Ice cream. *sigh* I'm an addict, I know it.

This week promises to be mildly busy but not crazy, like last week. We are not heading out of town for July 4th, so need to figure out what we want to do on the day itself. We will have houseguests, but they are using us mostly as home base for their visit to the area, so I think we'll be on our own for fireworks, etc. It's so weird to think that tomorrow, a year ago, we were closing on this house. It's even better to think that I don't have to pack again for at least another year. After 4 moves in 5 years together (wait, let me count again...1 (N sold house), 2 (partial move back East), 3 (full move back East), 4 (move to rented townhouse out East), 5 (move to this house)...) shoot - make that FIVE moves in FIVE years, it's a bit strange to have a year off. Huh. More time to do actual work, I suppose!

Onward and upward....without packing boxes in tow, at least for this year!

Melting...

2009-06-23T06:35:00.000-07:00

Good grief, it is HOT here in the middle of the country. According to this morning's paper, our high density of land planted with crops is not helping the humidity. Huh. I didn't know that "crop transpiration" could actually affect the dewpoint and humidity levels. You learn something every day!

We are doing a CSA this year for the first time - a half share, since the dog doesn't really eat vegetables, and the full share is intended for four people. It's been great so far - although I've had to look up what some things are (and, um, use Goog.le Images to determine which is the broccoli rabe and which is the arugula...) and what I can do with them. Garlic scapes? Had no clue. But apparently they taste really good, so we're looking forward to trying them.

Picking up the CSA also means getting to go to the farmer's market on Saturday mornings, which was not part of our routine before. And gosh it's fun. They hold it on the bottom level of a parking ramp - shade! easy parking! - and everyone walks around with their coffee and pastries (or, um, egg rolls...not into that, I can tell you). It reminds me of what vibrant communities University towns can be. Sure, there are all the political and town/gown issues. But it really is a fun place to live, particularly in the Midwest. Small town, but lots of cultural events, and a tuned-in population that pays attention and wants to maintain the quality of life.

Makes me glad we left the world of $750,000 "fixer uppers" and moved back here...

Dear, revisited

2009-06-19T09:00:00.000-07:00

Also...

Dear Pep*to-Bism*ol,

You know, when you're not feeling so hot, and you really feel the need to chew on a chalky, pink, sort-of-minty, sort-of-not tablet? The LAST thing you want to do is wrestle with your packaging, which seems to have been designed by a sadistic plastics engineer. Seriously. It's 2009. Could you PLEASE make it so that multiple attempts are not required to access the actual tablets? What's up with the seemingly impenetrable plastic? And really, who wants to go find scissors to get to the Pep*to??

My gut thanks you.
A

Dear

2009-06-18T18:45:00.000-07:00

Dear gray hairs,

I know I can't stop you from coming in; after all, I'm getting older by the day. But do you really have to be a completely different texture than the rest of my hair? And do you have to stick up and out at weird angles, so I look like I've stuck my finger in a light socket?

I'd appreciate it if you could rethink your position (ahem, literally).

Thx,
A

******
Dear general public,

I know the Midwest can be confusing, but really? The states are not interchangeable. There are actual differences between them. Shocking, I know.

It'd be nice if you could figure out that just because Ohio and Iowa both have four letters, three vowels, and a consonant, they're not the same state.

K?
Thx,
A

Mostly calm...chance of showers

2009-06-17T09:01:00.000-07:00

I made it to and from my international conference with no major glitches...I even managed to get myself around a foreign city and country with no problems. The traveling alone skills returned rather quickly, and I actually enjoyed the time to think and be quiet with myself. Not to say that I wouldn't have love it if N could have come along...but it was a good week. I saw some sights that I never would have seen otherwise, and once I got over my nervousness at talking to people (ahem, "networking"), I had a very good time at the conference.

Having lived in large cities on the East coast, as well as this small town in the Midwest, it's always interesting to me to see how people respond to my answer to "Where are you from?" When I say I'm from here, they seem to assume that I am some kind of...bumpkin, for lack of a better word. But when I said I was from "near D.C." (where we lived before), they seemed to assume that I was a *big city person* and that I would have *attitude*. It's just interesting.

Side note - the dog is wagging his tail in his sleep. Aww....

I also managed to figure out where I think I want to go for my next grant. And, after meeting with various mentors and faculty over the past week, I think they are pleased with my new direction as well. I am very excited - I think it's an area that I could do a lot of very good research in. My post doc advisor (she's in charge of our grant) said that I'm "in the right place, at the right time", to which I wanted to reply "Great! Then I'll have a job when I'm finished with the post doc?" :) There are no guarantees in life...but I am hopeful that good ideas and a willingness to be open to new directions will help me go places on my chosen career path.

While the conference was good, the ideas were flowing, and I've had a busy but good couple of weeks home, I've also had it kind of thrown in my face that hey! We don't have kids! And we likely never will! So, *sigh*. People are clearly well-meaning, and duh, they don't know what we have been through. But still, it hurts when someone asks whether children are "in the picture". What do I say? No? No, but not by choice? I don't want to give a blow-by-blow of our difficulties, but I also feel like I am shortchanging us if I just make it seem like no, we don't have kids, and we didn't really want kids. Today, a college kid came to the door and asked if I was "the mom". I thought the phrasing was kind of weird, but said yes. Turns out he was shilling for some study guide company? I don't know what one? But he clearly was not interested in talking to me, since we don't have small children. I'm also worried about what to say when we get together with N's friends later this summer...we are the only couple without children, and I just know that it will come up in some way, shape, or form over the course of the weekend. We've briefly talked about how we would answer these questions, but...well, again. Do we want to get into the gory details? Do we want to just leave it at "oh, we'd love to have kids some day"? This isn't something you can really Google, although hm, I might try that.

I am also trying to get over myself and my focus on our infertility...I don't want this to be my defining characteristic, much as I didn't want the quest for a child to be my/our defining characteristic. I need to broaden my life, make new friends, and try new activities...make connections that don't rely on the presence of children for them to flourish...and learn more about what I want to do with MY time over the next however-many years. I need to mourn the family we didn't have, but I also need to live the life that we do have. It's a pretty good one.

Shifting

2009-05-29T07:50:00.000-07:00

I head out of town tomorrow for nearly a week. International travel, for the first time in, well, a long time. I'm a little worried I've lost my mojo - not only for traveling internationally, but for traveling by myself. I used to do it all the time...but I worry that now I've become too used to traveling with my husband and letting him take care of things. I imagine it'll be good for me - in a place where I know no one, where I don't speak the language, and where I'll need to figure out how to get around on my own. I have a feeling, though, that I will be ready to come home once the conference is over!

My imminent departure has led to a great shifting of "stuff" around the house. Working on projects I want to finish before I go (time-sensitive things, like potting plants), piling up clothes that I think I want to take, doing the same with toiletries (good grief, the toiletries...I consider myself relatively low-maintenance, but it seems as though I'm taking more stuff than I could possibly use...), doing the laundry, etc. etc. etc.

I've also been trying to shift the focus of my research interests, with minimal (at best) success. The grant I was planning to write - for the past year, at least - focused on a topic that seems to be on its way out. And the agency has funded multiple studies on this topic just this fiscal year. Sooo....perhaps it's good that I am headed out of town - and to a work conference, no less. I usually get some good ideas by listening to others talk about their work, and I'm hoping that this conference will spark some creativity on my part. I've been worried, because I feel like I am spinning my wheels trying to find the next.big.idea...but maybe I should just let it go for a week. It's not like I won't be working - I will - and letting my brain relax a bit could be the spark that I need.

We're also considering getting a new car. N's car is almost 7 years old - American made - and is one of the brands that are being dumped. So its value as a trade-in will be nearly nothing if we wait much longer. But...the car we are thinking of getting is most definitely NOT a family car. It's tiny - would fit us, the dog, and a duffle bag - but not a carseat. Like moving N's office into the putative nursery, this is one of those shifts that I'm finding I need to work on. I can't feel overjoyed about the prospect of a new car if it's one that a carseat won't fit into. Not yet. I need a little time, still. I feel like, well, we made the decision not to go forward at this point, shouldn't I feel happy and relieved and...yeah, not so much. I think I'm still grieving my vision of "family", even though I know that my current family is pretty excellent. Time, I guess, will heal (or at least scab over) all wounds.

Changes

2009-05-25T14:13:00.001-07:00

We've had a very nice - and productive - long weekend. Full of chores and things around the house and getting some tasks done that we were putting off. Washing windows, potting plants, and hanging out with the neighbors. All good things that we've thoroughly enjoyed. The best part is, we haven't gone that far from home all weekend - the farthest was my trip to SuperTarget yesterday. Boy, do I love my ST. Really. I stock up there for weeks at a time - and fill in with trips to the farmer's market or the local stores for produce.

Today it's drizzly and cool - quite a change from the last few summer-like days. My lovely husband mowed this morning, while I cleaned up some books in the middle bedroom. Because our plans for this afternoon included moving his desk and office stuff into the middle bedroom. That would be the one that I thought was going to be a nursery. It's well-placed (right next to our room) and small. Close to the guest bath (which was to eventually become the kid's/kids' bath). It was perfect. And now it's N's office.

I'm okay with this, but I'm also a bit sad. I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm grieving the "loss" of that room, but it is difficult to realize that there isn't going to be a baby (or babies) living in this house for a very long time. That there won't be nights when I stumble down the hall, to get to a crying child. That the bathroom will stay nice and neat and tidy for guests - and we won't have to fish bath toys and crayons out of the tub when people come to stay. I worried about whether the room was too close to the guest room - you know, when people come to visit, they might not want to hear a baby crying.

Instead, it now houses my husband's truly beautiful desk (and I mean that sincerely), our new bookshelf, and the stuff that has lived in the corner of the family room for almost a year now. Since we moved in.

But it's like a friend said when we told her that we were planning to do this - you can't let the fact that you can't get pregnant stop you from living your life. I see that more in the big things - I'm going to meetings, we're traveling, we're trying to enjoy our childless lives. But it's in the small things, too. Like moving a desk on a rainy summer holiday.

Crabby, Tired, and Sad

2009-05-22T07:20:00.000-07:00

I know, such a lovely title for a blog post. But it's not like anyone else is reading this, anyway, and this functions more like a journal for me than for anyone else's enjoyment. And if anyone is reading (most likely, my husband, although I doubt even that!) he or she already probably knows that I've been in a crabby mood the last few days.

You know it's bad when you get frustrated with the dog...the sweet, loving, lazy dog. That's how my day started, when he wouldn't willingly come downstairs. Then, he had the gall to get up while I was exercising downstairs (I know!...also, I do know I was totally overreacting) and I had to move him to the couch. Really - it sounds ridiculous as I type it, but this morning, it was sending me over the edge. I capped the morning by not only dropping the butter container, cracking the bottom, but also getting my period.

Ahhh...PMS. I don't get headaches or cramps or anything, I just get totally crabby and completely klutzy. More so than usual. And, this is the first of many months where we're not actively doing anything to try for a pregnancy...and so it's very sad, too. Isn't it bad enough that we haven't been successful in the pregnancy department? I mean, do I have to have nasty cramps, the crabbiness, and the klutziness, too? I hope that this gets better as time goes by...I thought I was okay with stepping off the infertility treatment train, but if I get like this every month it is going to get very old, very very fast. As in, it's already old already.

Is it that I haven't given myself enough time to deal with our decision? I don't know. We just decided not to pursue other options a few weeks ago...it really hasn't been that long. Maybe I'm still in the mourning process, for lack of another description. It certainly doesn't help when I am confronted with pregnant people literally everywhere we go...from good friends, to neighbors, to friends-of-friends. And I'm still having a hard time with the sad thoughts when I do encounter someone who's pregnant.

Work has been busy - for both of us - which is good. But in the back of my mind, there is always the thought that I'm going to become what I never wanted to become - someone like my first "real" boss, who was bitter and angry and self-centered, and who hated women who had children because they decided to put family first and not their careers. I always thought I'd show her, by having a family AND a great career. So much for that. So while it's been busy - and a bit mentally draining - recently, it's also difficult to realize that I'll never have to balance work and young children, or maternity leave, or any of that. Even the fun stuff, like showing pictures of my kids to colleagues at meetings.

So maybe it is that I'm just going through the mourning process. Maybe it's good that I'm leaving for a work-related meeting next Saturday - in Iceland, of all places. Maybe being somewhere differnet will help get my mind off of how I feel like a failure for not being able to get pregnant, and for getting off the treatment train before we'd exhausted all the options available to us. It'd be nice if clarity and peace came in nice, tidy packages that show up when we need them most...I'm still waiting for mine.

Competitive lawn mowing

2009-05-17T12:52:00.000-07:00

I've never lived with my husband in a place where we've had more than 10 square feet of lawn that is our responsibility. Before he moved in with me, he lived in a lovely house about 30 minutes away, and I knew he took great care of his lawn and garden. It always looked nice, and tidy, and well, I liked that about him.

Then he moved down to my condo so we could live in sin, and the association was responsible for the lawn. We then lived in an apartment - no lawn - and a townhouse with the aforementioned 10 square feet of grass. When he came back to the Midwest last summer, leaving me in the townhouse for a couple of months, I cut it with the weed whacker. That's how small it was.

So now, living in suburban heaven, it's hilarious yet slightly scary to see him take up competitive lawn mowing. We now have neighbors on all but one side - well, and the front, where the street is. Duh. And they all take wonderful care of their lawns. Mowed regularly, treated for weeds, edged, trimmed, etc. And my husband is more than keeping up with them. He mows, and edges, and trims, and weeds. He has the lawn service come out. He carefully removes any dandelions that might dare to intrude on his patch of grass. And he does all of this, every week, without asking for my help. And I love it.

He also claims to hate the outdoors, which I have now reinterpreted to mean as "camping" (i.e., having to pee in the woods and go without a shower). Because clearly, he doesn't hate the outdoors when it means he's out there taking care of the lawn. I love that he cares so much.

And on a different topic, completely...Neighbors just had their third kid in 5 years; the women across the street from them (right across and then across-and-down a bit) are both pregnant with their third kids. And we just found out that it is not going to happen for us. We've decided not to go through with IVF at this point, although we could always change our minds. But I don't see us doing that. It's been a sad few weeks for me, trying to come to grips with this. I don't think it's going to happen overnight...but why does it seem as though everyone is pregnant? And all I see are pregnant women?

Awkward

2009-05-06T07:25:00.000-07:00

So, there's a kid who rides the 7:30 bus with me a couple of times a week. He uses it to get to the local high school - a nice option, if you ask me. Seeing him gives me flashbacks to high school - which feels like it was about 15 minutes ago. He's so...awkward. Never looks anyone in the eye. Never says "good morning" to our bus driver (which seems to be de rigeur when it's the same woman driving the same people to work every day...one thing I love about this town). Never acknowledges that there are other people on his planet. So very, very teenager-y. I watch him get off the bus and trudge off to what must seem the most boring place on earth...the high school. There's something about the set of his shoulders that makes me feel sympathetic, and helps me remember that high school isn't always the best time of anyone's life. And then I think, thank goodness! I'm done with that! I have plenty of degrees, and I don't have to go to school anymore (although I love it so much it may be tempting...). And I also think, woo hoo! I know how to interact with people, and talk to them, and saying "good morning" to the bus driver doesn't give me the heebie-jeebies.

But then I realize that I haven't left it all behind...I didn't go to the spring clean up weekend in our neighborhood because my husband wasn't home, and I feel shy and awkward around most of our neighbors. Particularly when there are lots of them in a group. I occasionally skulk past the offices of our area secretary and program associate, because some mornings I just don't want to say "good morning". I read on the bus. I don't make eye contact. And sometimes I think that I haven't left the awkwardness of high school behind at all.

Thinking about how we're navigating through all of this infertility stuff also makes me feel awkward... They want us to consider IVF now, since they haven't been able to figure out what, exactly, is our problem. And I have to be honest - as much as I want a baby, as much as I want to see my husband become a father (because, really? he'd be a fantastic father...) - I have to say that I'm seriously leaning towards not doing IVF. I'm not sure I'm up for going through all that we would have to go through - and not be sure that we'd have a baby at the end of it. But I feel awkward saying that. So many people out there on the internets seem to jump right in to IVF - not without thinking, that's not what I'm saying - but with more gusto than I can gather right now. Is that because they've already gotten past this point? That once you decide, you *just do it*?

I'm also having a hard time finding other people who are talking about this point in their decision making...whether it's IVF yes/no, or IVF+ICSI yes/no, I can't seem to find people talking about how they have decided to go for it (whatever "it" is) or....stop. So, who talks about the stopping part? Where are there people who have decided that, for them, this is where it ends? And how do you talk to other people about that?

Travel

2009-04-29T08:15:00.001-07:00

I went to Toronto last week for what turned out to be a fantastic meeting. I was anticipating...how to say this nicely? I was anticipating that the group, currently on its 11th gathering, would be less-than-welcoming to new participants. And I found the exact opposite, which was such a pleasure. It reinforced my interest in my dissertation topic, and prompted me to start working on developing contacts in another clinic in the hospital here.

I also had one of the better travel experiences I've had recently (which means my trip to my parents' house next weekend for a cousin's wedding shower is now doomed). Cookies on the flights (woo hoo, NWA/Delta merger!), exit rows, on-time departures and arrivals, and a bag that arrived on both the outbound and inbound segments. Seriously fantastic.

I love airports. I love people-watching, and airports are one of the best places to accomplish this. I could sit in an airport for days, likely, and not run out of people to observe, discuss with my husband (if available; I feel fortunate that I married another unashamed people-watcher), and remember.

This trip, people were mostly normal. There were a few who stand out, though:

To the gentlemen who felt compelled to clip his nails in the Toronto airport, while waiting to board the flight to Minneapolis: Seriously? Ew. You couldn't find 2 minutes to do that before you got to the airport?
To the four people who a) took up about 16 seats, in a very small boarding area, and b) removed their shoes: Really? You can't keep your shoes on for 1/2 an hour in the airport? Do we all need to see (and, in some cases, smell) your bare feet? I repeat: Ew.
To the woman who I nearly accosted in MSP, trying to find out if she was at the meeting (long story - I thought she had been there, and she mentioned my town on the flight to MSP, and I put 2 and 2 together and thought, potential collaborator! Alas, not so much - she was not at the meeting. *sigh*): I apologize for practically stalking you to find an opportunity to ask you whether you had attended the meeting. And thank you for being so lovely and Midwestern, and actually having a brief conversation with me, instead of pepper-spraying me.
To the family I saw, whose child appears to have the condition I used to work with, extensively: I hope your child is receiving excellent medical care; she was one of the cutest kids I've ever seen. I didn't approach you because, well, I'd already hit my quota of uninvited conversations for the day. But I've been keeping you in my thoughts, and hoping that all is going well.

Also? The recorded voice in the MSP airport, the one that tells you when the "moving walkway is ending"? Has a British accent. In Minnesota. What is up with that?

I am happy to be home, but drifting a bit as I figure out what I should focus on this week. Paper #1 resubmitted, and waiting for a final verdict. All fingers are crossed, which is seriously hampering my ability to type.

And, one final note - April? You have been rather icky, thanks. I'd appreciate it if you could give me some sunshine and warmth here in the last two days you're on the calendar. [I missed the nearly-record warmth last week while in Toronto...]

Gallivanting

2009-04-19T15:25:00.000-07:00

It's a gloomy weekend here, although the promised rain has not yet materialized (and it doesn't seem like it will come at all...). Yesterday I had plans to plant some seeds for this summer (literally, vegetable and herb seeds) and maybe do a load or two of laundry. But N had other priorities. Since we are going to be apart the next three weekends, he wanted to do something fun.

So off we went to an antique mall about an hour away.

I know, I know...does that sound like fun? Well, to two nerds (like us) who love to look at old things, and laugh at a) what people collect, b) what is an "antique", and c) some of the hilarious items that human ingenuity has invented over the years, it was a fantastic idea.

We had a great time. We found a bookcase of the type that N had been searching for since childhood - it is currently in our family room, having booted the piano from its wall. We plan to display some of our favorite items in there - it's a glass-fronted bookcase, so perfect for some of our ships-in-a-bottle (N's grandfather made them) and other knicknacks.

But my prize find was a pile of old Life and Women's Day magazines. Oh, my goodness, do I love old magazines. And now N knows my weakness (which I managed to successfully hide from him for five years). The ads, in particular, make me snort with laughter. I am going to have to share some of them here - they are just too good to keep to myself. We had fun last night paging through some of the magazines - looking at the stories as well as the ads. Good times.

Today was a bit more mundane. I, and the rest of the local population, went to SuperTarget for our BIG shopping. We stock up there on frozen and pantry items - it is soooo much cheaper than the more local grocery. Went to the local grocery for things that ST doesn't carry (oddly enough, soy cheese? at least in the varieties we prefer? strange...). And then went by the pharmacy, only to be told that one of the most reliable and established topical acne meds requires prior authorization from my insurance. Apparently they don't approve it for acne if you are over 35. Because, you know, a) I'm not over 35, and b) what? people over 35 get acne. Thanks, stupid insurance company. So now I know that when I turn 35 in a year and a half, I won't be able to get coverage for this medication. Which, I might add, is available in cheapo generic form. I wonder if it's worth writing them an email, questioning that decision. Anyway, so a very irritating stop to end my errands.

Friday I wished I had someone with me as a sidekick all day, due to the amusing things that popped out here and there. The construction crew blaring (yes, blaring) "Lady in Red". Very manly, guys. If only you were singing along, too. The license plate "N Abler". Not quite as bad as "Stalker", but do you really want to be advertising that, too? The fact that two days after I wrote about rarely running into people we know around here, we ran into one of N's college classmates at the park where we ate lunch on Friday.

This week I have to submit an article revision (let's hope they accept it...) and then travel to Toronto on Wednesday for a Big Scary Conference. Time to go practice my presentation again...

Small town

2009-04-15T15:52:00.000-07:00

I'm not feeling very witty today. Close friends are expecting their first child, and a long-time friend (who's more like a sister) had healthy twins today. Wonderful news all around, but difficult when you're in the situation we're in. So, I need to pull myself out of this funk.

Some random thoughts...

I'm still not used to the small-town aspect of where we live...the tendency to see someone you know everywhere you go. It's not as bad for me as it is for some people who have lived here longer, but it still happens.

Last night we went to dinner with friends - hilarious friends, who always make me snort Diet Coke up my nose while laughing. We had a great time at dinner - and -only- saw two people that at least one of us knew. That was kind of a surprise - I thought we'd see more, particularly on cheapo wing night. Dinner was good, and they let us stay at our table for about 3.5 hours. That's about our average when out with these friends. Good thing we enjoy each other's company!

Walking around the neighborhood, I'm still not in the say-hi-to-the-neighbors mode. And I have a terrible habit of waving with the hand that is holding the dog-poop bag. Yeah. I'm sure they love me around here.

It is absolutely beautiful here today - of course, I'm still cold, but that's nothing new. Bright blue skies, sunshine, a little less wind than usual. In other words, weather that makes you think that hey! spring might actually come, eventually.

My wonderful husband is off getting his hair cut. His appointment was at 6. He left here at 5:35. The hair place? Is about...2.5-3 miles from here. It takes 10 minutes, tops. Now, maybe he'll get taken back early...but still, 25 minutes to go three miles? I don't think so.

The dog has bronchitis, and is on several different meds. I told him he was lucky we loved him a whole lot, because he's going to use up our tax refund on vet bills and peanut butter.

No fooling...

2009-04-05T12:06:00.000-07:00

It was an interesting week hereabouts...personally and in a broader sense.

We were traveling last weekend - I had a conference in Minneapolis - so we got to see many of my husband's college friends. It is always lovely to see them, but we hardly ever manage the four+ hour drive in between reunion-type gatherings. We spent Friday evening with several families we hadn't seen in many months, and it was just wonderful. Of course, it was also like stepping into the middle of a daycare on a crazy day, since there were 8 kids of various ages running around. But still fun - and great to catch up with everyone.

My conference went well - and my presentation was, apparently, quite good. So I am happy about that. I did a bit of networking, spoke with a higher-up at the institution where I completed my PhD, and enjoyed seeing some people for the first time in a few years.

I also got less than 6 hours of sleep both Friday and Saturday nights. Good grief. I thought I was good at the no-sleep thing...but apparently my body now prefers 7 hours of sleep, thank you very much. It took until Thursday for me to feel relatively awake again - after going to bed at 8:30 on Tuesday night. If I ever do manage to get pregnant, the sleep deprivation part will certainly be interesting.

My husband and I also talked a lot about dealing with infertility, the fact that we are in this for the long haul - children or no. And we started discussing what life might look like if we don't have kids. I have worried throughout this that he would think I am blaming him for our problems - and it was good to have these discussions and realize that we are on the same page. We both still desperately want a child (please? just one?) but also realize that it may not be in the cards for us. And if that is the case, we will still have a very happy life together. It will just be different from what we had planned originally.

Then, on Friday, our state Supreme Court decided that our current laws on marriage were unconstitutional...giving everyone who wishes to have a civil marriage - and rights in the eyes of the state - the opportunity to marry. Wow. I knew, moving back here, that this was a possibility, and that the state is much more progressive than outsiders think. But this was just fantastic to hear. [And now, of course, if you have not been under a rock for the past 3 days, you know my state of residence...] I dread the possibility of a constitutional amendment - as opponents are planning - but I also hope that this becomes a non-issue over time...and that we all realize we have bigger problems than worrying about what people do at home. Stable families - recognition by the state - and legal options for all? I'm for it, and I'm so proud of my adopted home state for taking this step.

And now, the dog is bathed, the kitchen is clean, and the husband is vacuuming. I've sent an email about the next presentation, and I did some work yesterday on the article that needs revisions. I think it's time to read a trashy novel on the couch.

Up and Down

2009-04-03T06:57:00.001-07:00

It's been an interesting couple of weeks around here...and I have so much rattling around in my brain, I'm going to resort to bullets.

I didn't think I would talk about this here, but I'm not pregnant. Again. For another month. This makes 18 months - and more than 18 cycles, since my cycles run short - of trying. The last 2 we've tried unmedicated IUI's, neither of which have been successful. We're to have one more - which I can't help but think will also be unsuccessful - and then we need to consider IVF.
We have some insurance coverage for this, but not a lot. And so our desire to have a family is tempered by the financial cost of creating that family. Which, quite frankly, sucks. I hate that having a child is, for us, tied so closely to our finances. We may not be able to afford IVF at all, or we may be able to afford one cycle. Our clinic is the only place where I can have any procedures done (insurance restrictions), and it is well-known for its one-embryo transfer policy for women under 35. So. We have one more chance to have a family...maybe two...and then that is it.
This has led to some major soul-searching on my part, as I try to reconcile what I always *thought* my life would include (marriage, house, job that I love, kids) with what it likely will include (marriage, house, job that I love). We have made many decisions predicated on the fact that we would -one day- have a child. Or children. Now? I love where we live, and I love our neighborhood. But it is full - literally - of children. On our street alone - which has 8 finished houses - there are 13 kids with another 3 on the way. We stick out like a sore thumb. And it's hard, quite honestly, to see all the kids running around, to know that this is a perfect place to have kids in this town, and to think that we will not be able to have a child.
I know, I'm probably putting the cart before the horse. After all, we still have at least one more chance! But it's getting increasingly unlikely that we will have a successful outcome - pregnancy - with so few chances left to us. And I know we haven't been trying -that- long, by many standards...but with our financial restrictions, this really is it for us.
Work-wise, I've spent the last two weeks dealing with someone who defines passive aggression. Wow. I sincerely hope that I am never like that in my professional dealings.
On the plus side, one of my dissertation papers was accepted pending revisions. So, on to the revisions! And they need to be finished in about 2 weeks, so that is even better....as it shortens the time I need to deal with passive-aggressive woman.
Also on the plus side, I didn't kill the dog with a treat. Yesterday, I gave him a treat (which, shhh, also cleans his teeth). It was big. Too big, apparently, as he got it stuck on some of his back teeth. Multiple extraction attempts later, I finally called my husband in a panic. He suggested offering another treat (duh). Mission accomplished - and I learned that the dog will do nearly anything for a piece of pepperoni. So noted.
It is supposed to be beautiful here today and tomorrow; the antique shops are open; and we don't have to be anywhere or do anything. After last weekend - work conference for me, visiting friends for my husband - it will be nice to have a calm weekend at home.
Of course, then we're supposed to get rain/snow on Sunday. Ta da! April in the great Midwest.
And, last but not least, FINAL FOUR, BABY!!! Although I will be sad to see the season end...I love this time of year.

Reminiscence

2009-04-02T17:10:00.000-07:00

The final ER is on tonight...and I'm a bit sad, to be honest.

I remember watching the show in college...15 years ago. I was just a baby nurse, had no idea what I was getting into, and certainly had no idea what the show did right...and wrong. Wow. I can't believe it's been that long. I haven't watched for many, many seasons...but I will watch tonight, for old time's sake.

I had a love/hate relationship with ER. The show's presentation of life in the ER is likely one of the best on TV. But the show's portrayal of nurses has always left me cold. A show with two nurses (or more...I don't know what has happened in the last few years...) who have gone on to medical school? Really? Because the nurses I know don't really want to be doctors. They want to be nurses. That always, always bugged me. It's a very doctor-centric show. They straight up admit that. But it still bugged me.

My mother hated how they would scrub with their masks down...If' I've heard it once, I've heard it a thousand times.

But ER ending reminds me more of how things have changed. In the time it's been on the air, I've finished my undergrad, gotten a master's degree, taken care of a lot of really sick kids, traveled across the US, found a new specialty, gotten married, and gotten my PhD. My goodness. In 15 years. How time has flown.

Nerves

2009-03-25T13:02:00.000-07:00

I think I am a pretty nervous person, in some situations. I thought it might be related to my previous employment situations (see post from yesterday), but now I think it's more likely an ingrained personality trait.

I am a terrible cuticle- and hangnail-chewer. Terrible. It doesn't help that I have the World's Driest Skin on my hands. And when I am nervous about something (or a couple of somethings...) my fingers automatically go to my mouth. I hate it, I know it looks awful and unprofessional, and I have a heck of a time stopping. I managed to for our wedding...not sure why that worked when it hasn't so many other times.

I mean, I'm a health care provider, for heaven's sakes. I know just what germs and nastiness are on my hands (even after I wash them). It's frustrating to me that I can't just stop this behavior.

Right now I am nervous about the email I just sent to my old boss, replying to her snarky comment from yesterday. I'm also nervous about a meet and greet tonight, which might give me some leads on part-time jobs. I'm anxious about whether we should do any home improvements this year, or whether we should just count our blessings (thank you, tax refund) and wait. I'm nervous about the talk I have to give Saturday morning. I could go on, really, I could.

Chew, chew, chew...

Cutting ties

2009-03-24T12:17:00.000-07:00

This isn't particularly related to life in the great Midwest, but it is related to the fact that we wound up here after I had some interesting experiences trying to leave my previous position. The person I worked for had a difficult time, we'll just say, letting me go. She wanted me to stick around long after my work there was completed - at my own expense, and with my husband already halfway across the country, in our new home. For the second time in my life, I put my foot down, declared that this was not the way things were going to be, and left when I wanted to. While our relationship suffered a bit at the beginning, recently, her communications have been more cordial. Every now and then, though, her emails go completely off the deep end. And then I have to figure out how to respond, if at all.

This is only the most recent difficulty I've had in these sorts of situations...leaving my previous job was an exercise in futility. 3.5 years later, I still can't believe that I tried to resign from that position at least three times before I was successful. My boss simply refused to accept my resignation. Granted, the situation was complicated by the fact that I was in school, and we had a relationship that went beyond just a simple boss-employee relationships. But still. It certainly did not need to be that hard.

Both of these episodes occurred at the same employer, so I am left wondering...Is it me? Or is it that employer? Because I could make the argument that I had a difficult time standing my ground, or that I wasn't able to make my needs clear. But I could also make the counter argument that this was an extremely toxic employer, and both of these individuals were merely acting in ways that are accepted in that environment.

Either way, I am reminded periodically of what life was like before, and what life is like now...and I realize how much happier - and calmer! - I am now. But, of course, I still have to deal with crap in occasional emails....and even though I love where I am now, that is not easy.

Exploration

2009-03-23T09:01:00.000-07:00

So, we took a drive in the country yesterday. In our new home, this isn't that difficult to accomplish. Take two lefts, and then at the "T", take a right. After about, oh, 100 yards, poof! Country!

I had wanted to see where this road led for a while...if you take it in the other direction, as I do a million times a week, you head into town. But I'd never gone past the few houses that you can see from the intersection where we turn to get to our house. So yesterday my wonderful husband humored me and took me on a drive.

Seriously, it was 3 minutes, maybe? and we were in the middle of farms. I'd heard that our current home state has people living on only 5% of the land. The other 95%? Agriculture and farms. After our drive yesterday, I completely believe it. I also learned last week that the population of the county we lived in for the past 2.5 years (Back East, as they say here...and yes, it is capitalized) is now around 1 million. That is 1/3 of the population of our new home state. I never thought I would love living in a rural state as much as I do. I love driving past the fields, seeing who has started the spring burn, which farms have their cows and hogs out, which farmhouses have been remodeled...

Of course, our lovely drive in the country led us in a big circle, until we ended up at our local mall, where we indulged in a Sunday lunch at a large chain restaurant. So it's not like we live in the middle of nowhere...it's just that the country? Is a lot closer here than it's ever been for me. And I really, really love it.

Blessings

2009-03-20T13:16:00.000-07:00

I have been walking around (and sometimes, dancing around) all week with a smile on my face. Not that I'm usually a depressed kind of person - but this week has been especially spectacular.

In bullets...because that's how I think...

It's spring break! Because I left campus to do my dissertation research, I haven't had a spring break in...huh. Actually, it's been since college, since during my coursework I would work during all of my breaks. Not that I haven't done any work, but I've only done a little each day, I only had one meeting, and it's been much more relaxed than usual.
We got a tax refund. Ordinarily, this would completely tick me off. However, we were fretting just Monday evening about what we would do if we owed thousands and thousands of dollars. What with moving, job changes, and buying the house, we were really concerned that we would owe. A Lot. So, to hear that we waaaay overpaid, and that we would be getting money back? A gift. We're thrilled that we'll be able to spiff up our savings account. Yay!
But we did splurge a teeny bit, and bought a chair we'd been contemplating for the living room. We had a huge open space and seating for 4 - including 3 on the couch. They just delivered it and it looks so nice.
They delivered it the day after we bought it. This is something I love about living in a small town. No waiting a week for delivery. And, we got to deal with the really nice people who sold us the rest of our LR furniture.
On a funny note, though - when we went in to ponder chairs on Saturday, the salesperson remembered us. And our furniture. And where we live. Hm.
A long dinner with friends on Wednesday night. As in, four hours. At a local restaurant that just reopened after flooding last summer. It was fantastic - good food, good friends, good conversation. She is newly pregnant, so we were celebrating that. But it was just a nice reminder of the fabulous friends we have, and how much fun it is to spend time with them.
MARCH MADNESS!! I love love love college b-ball season, and this is my favorite weekend of the year. And, since it's spring break, I've been feeding my addiction. My brackets (2 pools, one family, one family+friends) stink, but really? The fun is in the watching. I even root for upsets when it's going to mess up my brackets. So. Much. Fun.
Random thought...what do rumble strips feel like in a buggy?

Reflections

2009-03-18T08:03:00.000-07:00

It's spring break this week, so things around here are rather quiet. We've also had absolutely gorgeous weather for the last few days, and it's been such a treat to go out without a coat! or gloves! or a hat! Although a woman on the bus had all a coat, gloves, hat, and scarf when it was 50 degrees outside. But I digress...

So I've been taking advantage of spring break (no classes! no meetings!) to clean up a bit around the house. We moved here in stages, given some restrictions put on me by my last place of work, and things have been piled up and generally disorganized for way too long.

I've been working on the extra bedroom, which, if we should ever have children (and that is not looking very likely) would be a kid's room. It's now a catch-all for all the random stuff without a home. Yesterday I spent an hour organizing toiletries. We don't have to buy band-aids for about 5 years. Good grief.

On Monday, I found my old journals. I wrote in a journal most nights from about 7th grade through right about when I met my husband. I now type faster than I write - and, to be honest, my writing is pretty messy - so I have a private blog that functions as a journal for me. Once I found the journals, though, I just had to sit down and read through some of them. I know which ones are really old and which ones are more recent. So I went back to 7th grade.

I have no idea how my parents didn't give up and leave me on the side of the road. Seriously. I was such. a. twit. I spent waaaay too much time arguing with them, wondering what other people thought of me, worrying about the "cool kids" in school, and having crushes on boys. Sheesh. I'm sure everyone goes through this - but it really hit home to me, reading my 12-year-old self's musings.

I guess it just goes to show that, eventually, everything works itself out. The boy I had the crush on? Happily married to his high school girlfriend. The "cool kids"? Well, I was never one of them but I think I'm doing just fine. And most of them are doing just fine, too. Worrying what other people thought of me? I am still working on that one, but I think I'm finally comfortable in my own skin.

And it's only taken me 21 years.

Living in Flyover Country

Busy busy busy

Kicked to the curb

Incomplete thoughts

Why *aren't* there more of us?

Going to the movies

2011 in review

Home again, home again

Grumbling

Bits and pieces

Whirlwind

Hindsight

Dreariness

Crunch time

Starting off on the right foot

De-Grinchifying

Thankful

Frustrations

Brain dump

A decision made, and a cautionary tale

Regrets?

Another month, more pregnancies

Oh, where to start

The Reason for God: Belief in an Age of Skepticism

Blindsided

My brain is too full...

Perfect Storm

Lazy? Not so much.

Body Image

Seriously, pancreas, what the hell?

Bullets

Tidbits

Autonomy and Adulthood

Context

Muddled

Some random thoughts

Thanks for validating my non-marriage

Regularly scheduled programming

On a completely different topic

Searching high, searching low

What, exactly, are we trying to prevent?

Connections

Decisions

Oy

Brain dump

I could never...

Things that are driving me crazy

Trash

Baggage

Again

Friends

Ch-ch-ch-changes

New Year's Eve Review

Kinda grumbly

Calmer

Sort-of-coherent

Quiet

Onward and upward

Conveniently forgetting

Backup

Inadvertant radio silence

I love...

Re-Entry

Messy

Self-Pity

Argh

Hatin' on the girls

Whiny

Things I saw

Calm

Anticipation vs. dread

Peaceful

Guilt, grief, etc

Brr

2nd 5k of the season

Mental

Roller-coastery

I'm getting old and grumpy

Daydream believer

Choices

Why aren't there more of us?